saddening.

[siead_lietrathua]

this video makes me really sad.
(trigger warning: abuse)
http://www.upworthy.com/its-heartbre...econd-2?c=ufb1

summary:
for a social experiment, one night they have a man drumming loudly in the early morning hours. he's hooked to an amp and easily heard along the whole street. it takes no time for people to start banging on the door asking him to turn the volume down.
not so bad.
but the second half... they hook up a recording of a heterosexual couple fighting. things smashing, screams of anger and pain, the scale of the violence escalating over time. and not a single person steps out. nobody even calls the police.

it blows my mind and breaks my heart that the same people that got friggan irate over music would ignore a person's screams. i've been that person to bang on a door to break up a domestic before. yes it's awkward as fuck but it's better than pretending nothing's happening while it escalates.
and yes, i know the video is about male to female violence, but the scenario could be used to any couple.

so, thoughts? what would you do in that situation?

[Ginger Tea]

I honestly turn a deaf ear when the guy down the hall gets into shouting matches with his girlfriend, who spent nearly a whole year living in his small room, things flared up on giro day and that was the only time she seemed to go home, normally still shouting at our house when she's over a hundred or more yards away.

They called the police out on each other sometimes without even making a racket in between, I got out of the bath once and although I heard voices in the corridor I thought it was her late teen children, I was quite shocked to see a WPC stood in front of the door, I almost dropped my towel.
I was asked if I had heard anything and genuinely replied nothing that would require the police.

a few years prior, might have been less than one, it was some time back, a new girl moved in to the room between and knocked on my door to ask for the number of the police, when they came she had the scripted excuse of "It's his pills." he got signed off work with depression 10 years ago and was on medication that clearly said do not take with alcohol, yet he went through bottles of white cider a week, the nasty stuff that makes bleach taste like fun.

So I've come to ignore them when they have their spats, she moved out when the land lord was going to evict him due to the family next door kept calling him when ever they would act up as his room was next to their ~8 year old children.
But she still comes round occasionally and although it's been a while the door does still slam and you can hear her wailing far away.

[Andara Bledin]

so, thoughts? what would you do in that situation?

No hypothetical for me. I will and have called the cops on disturbances, musical and dispute alike. I'm actually quicker to call the cops on fights than I am on music.

There will be no Kitties while I'm around.

[Boozy]

Domestic abuse situations are notoriously volatile and the offender hardly ever stays in jail. That's why people don't want to get involved. They don't want to live beside the asshole they "ratted out".

My brother-in-law made a call to the cops one night after his neighbours got into a loud argument that seemed like it might be physically violent. The asshole in that relationship got arrested, but came home two days later. The girlfriend took him back. He somehow knew it was my BIL who called the cops (process of elimination, we figure) and slashed his tires. He now makes vaguely threatening statements to him on a regular basis.

Brother-in-law can't say he regrets getting involved, because he's a tough guy with a tough skin and can handle it. But not everyone feels safe sticking their neck out like that.

[crashhelmet]

Often times, people just don't want to get involved. For every wannabe hero out there, there is someone that wants to avoid confrontation.

When teaching rape and kidnapping prevention classes, we teach I teach my students to yell fire instead of help. It seems to draw more helpers that way.

[Ginger Tea]

When teaching rape and kidnapping prevention classes, we teach I teach my students to yell fire instead of help. It seems to draw more helpers that way.

A video game channel I watch has a Tuesday theme and one video veered from the norm by using a Roomba simulator, the episode had the two hosts green screened in as normally their visual or vocal reactions are the selling points not the broken game itself, although some glitches are fondly remembered.

One host grabbed the other and he yelled "Bad Touch" in response, then went on to say that children are advised to honk instead of cry out should a stranger try and touch or take then away.
Children scream, people ignore screaming children, even with high profile abductions on the news that week, a child could just say "I hate you you're not my dad go away." and just be mean to either their father, stepfather uncle foster keeper or anything else, just not necessarily an abductor, we've probably all seen at some point a parent physically carry an unruly child away screaming blue murder, so a kidnapping could be blanked out in the same way.

But a child just honking like a goose gets more of a double take.

[Andara Bledin]

Honking is the new wolf. As soon as that becomes a universal thing, it will be just as ignored as children screaming.

It's fine for a stopgap measure while the real problem is addressed, but if you don't address the problem in the meantime, you end up needing a new stopgap measure when the old one becomes the same as the problem it was a salve for.

[hinakiba777]

I live alone. I have very few close friends in the city. If I heard a domestic dispute, I would honestly do nothing about it. I might try calling the cops, maybe. But I would be scared that the person would find out it was me who called. Then I would be in trouble, as I have no defense for myself.

Plus sometimes when you help someone they just get mad at you for calling the police for whatever reason. I can recall call the police for a few people who turned around and got pissed off that I had done that.

People just don't want to get involved in other peoples problems. I have been crying and injured in a public place and not gotten any help for ten or more minutes. I once had to walk 200M, down a snowy hill with a sprained ankle because no one would stop to help me. Even when I got to the coffee shop asking for help, it took a moment before someone offered me assistance.

[Rageaholic]

You know, I was thinking of starting a thread on when to intervene. As much as I'd like to say I'd be a big hero, I'd probably be confused about what to do. The thing is, without knowing all the details, it's hard to decide if the situation requires outside assistance. For example, about a month ago, I heard someone yelling from across the street. And when I say yelling, I mean aggressive "I'm going to kill you" kind of yelling. The kind of yelling you here when a fight is about to break out. I was in my backyard at the time so I peered over and to my horror the person being yelled at was a little girl. She was crying and the man who was yelling at her (I imagine it was the father) was screaming at her to stop something. It turned out they were my new neighbors. He lead her inside the garage and I heard a thud (like he hit her).

Now the obvious solution would have been to call the police, but the thing is, I didn’t know all the details. What if the daughter happened to run out in the street and her father reacted emotionally? All I heard was yelling and for all I know, that’s what could have happened. I wouldn’t want someone calling the police on me just because they suspected that I was doing something wrong. And even if this was an abusive situation, could calling the police make things worse? What if the neighbors find out it’s me? What if the police get pissed at me over calling them? What if the police do nothing and the neighbor takes it out on the daughter? All of these things made me apprehensive about calling the police.

And I’m kind of ashamed of it. I mean, look at what happened in Cleveland a few months ago. Had the neighbor ignored the girls screams, who knows what could have happened. The situation could have also been resolved earlier had neighbors picked up on suspicious behavior. On the other hand, do we really want to live in a world where every remotely suspicious thing is reported? I’m rambling, but you get the idea. There needs to be a balance between noticing something that isn’t right and being a paranoid nutcase. Unfortunately, that’s easier said than done.

[Andara Bledin]

Just ask yourself this...

Which will make you feel worse:

A) You call the cops, they don't find anything. Maybe the guy gets mad, maybe he doesn't.

or

B) You don't call the cops and an ambulance arrives later but by then it's too late.

I know that I'd much rather be guilty of calling a false alarm with cause than ignoring cause because I'm too worried about what might happen.

[siead_lietrathua]

sometimes you don't even have to call the cops right away. it's amazing what just going over, doing the all-concerned act can do. people don't like getting "caught" being shitty, and tend to stop. just don't be aggressive.

when i broke up my neighbors fighting, i didn't go to the door and be like "ya'll stop fighting or imma call the cops!!!". that shit just brings the aggression onto you. i knocked, said i heard a loud bang, just wanted to make sure everything was ok. i let him mention the fight, and suggested one of them leave to cool off. i told him i was concerned for BOTH their safety (never assume the male is the abuser after all), and that if we heard sounds of violence we would call the police if we thought it was necessary so noone would be hurt. the guy chose to leave to cool down since he was the one with a car.

distracting people can do a world of good. even hollering over a fence "hey, ya'll ok over there? sounds like somethin fell/ someone got hurt? need a hand?" can help. you're diffusing the energy of the situation. it may not stop the fight completely but it should bring down the escalation of it, and if people think they're being watched they tend to take it down a few notches. i never had to bang on my neighbors door more than once in the 2 years we were in the same building.

granted, it's different if you actually see someone hit somebody, or when kids are involved.

@Rageaholic: even if the dad was reacting emotionally to his kid being a dumbfuck, that right of a parent to be pissed ends when violence starts. i'm not talking about spankings, and don't want to get into that debate. but if a da is potentially hitting his kid hard enough that you could hear it through his garage walls and in your own yard, that's a damn hard beating and not just a "you dun fucked up" spank.

[Andara Bledin]

The idea about hiding what you think you know and just playing "concerned neighbor making sure everything's ok" is very good. It moves you out of "potential threat" category to "annoying neighbor" which very rarely inspires wrath.

[RedRoseSpiral]

I'll call the cops at a drop of the hat. Had to a few months back when douchbag upstairs was dragging his girlfriend by the hair outside. All the manager did was yell our her back porch that they needed to quite down.

[Rageaholic]

Just ask yourself this...

Which will make you feel worse:

A) You call the cops, they don't find anything. Maybe the guy gets mad, maybe he doesn't.

or

B) You don't call the cops and an ambulance arrives later but by then it's too late.

I know that I'd much rather be guilty of calling a false alarm with cause than ignoring cause because I'm too worried about what might happen.

Good point. Though in my defense, I haven't seen any other freak outs from them.

I do like the "concerned neighbor".

[cindybubbles]

When I was at the old condo, any scuffle or loud noise, or large gathering meant we called security, not the police. I think the security officers would call police if it got out of hand.