People Keep Sexual Frustration Spreadsheets?

[catcul]

Huffington Post ran a pair of stories about people keeping spreadsheets of the times their spouses said "No" to them. The first was a man who sent a spreadsheet to his wife as she was leaving on a business trip. The second was a woman who got divorced because he kept saying "No." Of course, there were other issues, too. I guess you could say they didn't Excel at marriage.

In all seriousness, these people have communication issues. While I have little sympathy for the men, I find making these spreadsheets public is extremely tacky.

[AmbrosiaWriter]

It smacks to me of people who feel that because they are married, they are entitled to sex now. As if now getting tax breaks means that the other partner (male or female) is now no longer allowed to say "No" to sex.

I agree that it is a communication issue, as well as the mentality of "I deserve sex because we are married." Why the hell can't people just talk to each other?

I mean, my boyfriend and myself live 6 hours away from one another, and when an issue arises we take the time to text "Hey, need to talk to you really quick about X." Then in the conversation we work it out. It's NOT THAT HARD.

[NecCat]

Being sexually frustrated enough to go to these lengths to document probably means the person is frustrated enough in the marriage to consider divorce. In many areas the divorce of a sexless marriage (including ones where sex takes place, but infrequently enough to satisfy one partners 'normal' sex drive), the person refusing the sex is now considered 'at fault' for the divorce, putting the other party in an advantageous position financially at the divorce proceedings. Saying 'but they refused sex all the time' is not a convincing argument, presenting a spreadsheet indicating dates and times is much more compelling. Keeping a spreadsheet is neither tacky nor an indication of someone who feels they deserve sex all the time, just because they are married. It is a smart step if the marriage has deteriorated to the point where divorce is being seriously considered or actively pursued.

Publishing it would be extremely tacky and a severe breach of trust, but I don't see any indication in either article that the people involved have been identified in any way except age and gender.

[KabeRinnaul]

Publishing it would be extremely tacky and a severe breach of trust, but I don't see any indication in either article that the people involved have been identified in any way except age and gender.

Also, if I read the articles right, in the first case the guy sent it to his wife and the wife shared it, and in the latter the wife showed her friends and they shared it.

It would be way worse in either case if the spreadsheet creator shared it themselves in some sort of bizarre public shaming attempt or something.

[AmbrosiaWriter]

Being sexually frustrated enough to go to these lengths to document probably means the person is frustrated enough in the marriage to consider divorce. In many areas the divorce of a sexless marriage (including ones where sex takes place, but infrequently enough to satisfy one partners 'normal' sex drive), the person refusing the sex is now considered 'at fault' for the divorce, putting the other party in an advantageous position financially at the divorce proceedings. Saying 'but they refused sex all the time' is not a convincing argument, presenting a spreadsheet indicating dates and times is much more compelling. Keeping a spreadsheet is neither tacky nor an indication of someone who feels they deserve sex all the time, just because they are married. It is a smart step if the marriage has deteriorated to the point where divorce is being seriously considered or actively pursued.

"Because I didn't get the sex I wanted, I should get more out of the divorce than the other person."

Yeah... let's think about that one for a second. No one is entitled to sex, so those areas who blame the person who doesn't want to have sex at the whim of the partner are completely ridiculous. That's really not an argument refuting my claim that the person keeping the excel spread sheet feels entitled to sex.

It's actually only supporting it more - actually makes the situation worse. They feel entitled to not only SEX, but to gain more out of the divorce because they didn't get the sex they felt they were entitled to.

[crashhelmet]

What I'm wondering about is just how long this was going on before they started making the spreadsheet.

While there are valid reasons for intimacy to drop out of a marriage, or any committed relationship, sometimes it's because they're getting that intimacy somewhere else.

[Gravekeeper]

While there are valid reasons for intimacy to drop out of a marriage, or any committed relationship, sometimes it's because they're getting that intimacy somewhere else.

And sometimes the Tigers are in the 9th inning~

[lordlundar]

Eh, I'm calling BS on this one. There have been a lot of articles (even on reputable news sites) where the original story was made up as a joke or con job and in a rush to get the headlines there's no fact checking until way later, if it's ever done. This one reeks of that setup.

[Greenday]

Eh, I'm calling BS on this one. There have been a lot of articles (even on reputable news sites) where the original story was made up as a joke or con job and in a rush to get the headlines there's no fact checking until way later, if it's ever done. This one reeks of that setup.

Would't shock me. I wouldn't be surprised for it to end up on Cracked's BS news stories list.

[s_stabeler]

AmbrosiaWriter, it wasn't until the 1970s (I think) that a spouse could even refuse sex, so I'm not surprised the attitude persists.

On the toher hand, I agree that it shouldn't be grounds for divorce. Evidence the marriage has broken down? possibly. But grounds for divorce, with financial penalties for the other spouse? no.

[Seshat]

There have been - and I believe still are - many cultures which consider sex to be a requirement between a married couple. Even if the marriage was arranged.
These have included European-derived cultures.
Both women and men are still fighting the concept of 'you can't rape your spouse, consent is automatic', in rape trials around the world.


That said, if sex is a problem in one's marriage, the couple should, as people have said in this thread already, communicate!

If one partner is chronically exhausted, reorganise the duties. Or hire someone to do part of their work.
If one partner is .. unappealing, admit it, and encourage/help them to correct the problem. (Soap and water, dental work, medical checkups, etc...)

Etc, etc, all the way to...

There are sex advisors and sex workers* who assist the disabled. Some will help figure out arrangements of foam wedges and pillows and so forth to enable positioning, so the couple can .. shall we say, perform independantly after the consultation.
Others will come in and actually help position one or both partners, and stick around (but stay as 'uninvolved' as possible) for the duration.
Even if there's a possibility of some medical emergency, there are services appropriate to that. I know one sex worker who's First Responder trained and would be more than happy to sit in the next room and read, with either a baby monitor or a call button arrangement to alert her if she's needed. And if not - great!
I know for a fact she's not the only First Responder trained sex worker, too.

There are few types of disability where sex is just not possible at all; and the disabled (okay, the adult disabled) are just as likely to be sexually interested as the able-bodied!

* ('sex worker' is a catch-all phrase, including everyone from the person who writes the sex advice column in the glossy magazine to the full-service prostitute. Some of the people in the industry specialise in helping the disabled.)



And, of course, if one person just plains wants more sex than the other, they may need to consider alternatives to monogamy. Which is a whole 'nother topic for a whole 'nother thread.

[Bloodsoul]

I have enough trouble maintaining a spreadsheet for my Dungeons & Dragons character!

[Mr Hero]

The bigger issue I see isn't that the wife is denying sex that the husband feels entitled to. The excuses come off as pretty weak. And the fact that the wife published the list suggests to me she didn't try and alter it in her favor. The bigger issue is a lack of honesty, something that both parties ARE entitled to.

[Nyoibo]

I don't know about frustration, but I keep a diary of when I've had sex, I was only going to do it for a year, but then my phone got wiped and I had to start over again

[Aethian]

I don't know about frustration, but I keep a diary of when I've had sex, I was only going to do it for a year, but then my phone got wiped and I had to start over again

My period tracker app has that ability. It's how it was narrowed down to when I had gotten pregnant the first time.