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Author's Note : Over the past few days, I wrote this personal reflection on how men, especially teenaged boys, are often stereotyped when it comes to sex. By the time I was finished, it turned out to be a great deal longer than I'd intended. I considered going back to pare it down, but I honestly don't think I have the emotional strength to go through it all again. I've decided to simply post it as is (in two parts because it's actually longer than the maximum length for a single post), and leave it up to you folks here to decide if you have the patience to read the whole thing. I will be very grateful if you do, or even if you just read part of it or skim through it. Thank you very much.
Just recently, I was cleaning out my hard drive when I came across a file of notes and personal reflections I had made about interesting videos I'd found in places like YouTube, Dailymotion, and news sites. As I was looking through it, I found myself staring at something that I had somehow managed to avoid thinking about for a long time. Like a tidal wave, it brought back so many memories, so much anger ...
About two years ago, I watched a video of an ABC News segment :
A 15-year-old boy is sitting at a table in a crowded New York restaurant, studying and waiting for his math tutor to arrive. The tutor turns out to be an extremely attractive blond woman, wearing an inappropriately low-cut top and short, tight skirt. As their tutoring session begins, she starts coming on to the boy. He repeatedly tells her to stop, and asks her to help him with his work, but she persists in hitting on him, growing ever more seductive and shamelessly obvious. Finally, she suggests that they go to her house to finish the lesson. The boy seems embarrassed, confused, and even scared. The other customers in the restaurant have witnessed all of this, in increasing discomfort and disbelief. What the customers didn't know was that this was all staged.
An ABC News crew had set up hidden cameras throughout the restaurant. The boy and the tutor were both actors. The restaurant employees all knew that the ABC crew was there, and what they were doing. This was a "social experiment," to find out how people would react if they saw this happening right in front of them.
Now, I think that it's fairly obvious how people would respond to seeing a grown man coming on to a 15-year-old girl who was trying to push him away and repeatedly telling him to stop. But what if the genders were reversed? Would the bystanders intervene, or do nothing?
You know, maybe I was just being cynical, but when I read the description of this segment, I immediately resigned myself to seeing the restaurant patrons doing absolutely nothing to help the boy. Much to my surprise and gratitude, however, they did intervene. Admittedly, those interventions were nowhere near as quick or as forceful as they undoubtedly would have been for a teenaged girl receiving unwanted attention from a grown man, but our society being what it is, I don't think we could have expected that.
They repeated this scenario several times with different customers, and each time, somebody stepped in to help the boy when they saw that he didn't like the tutor's advances. I vividly remember things like the patrons sarcastically asking the tutor if she was a "sex ed" teacher, and telling the tutor that she should "take a survey" if she doesn't understand why her behavior was embarrassing to the boy. At one point, the tutor tried to take the boy home with her, and a group of women physically blocked them from leaving, saying "He's not going anywhere with you" and "It'll be a cold day in hell before he leaves with you."
(There was only one time that the patrons did not intervene at all. In this particular run, the crew instructed the actors to make it look like the attraction was mutual. When it appeared that the boy and tutor were both willing participants, there were raised eyebrows, but nobody said anything.)
It was mostly women who took action to help the boy, but a few men as well. In one case, a man was visibly angered by what he was seeing, but his wife kept telling him to stay out of it. In the final run, a table of four men reached out to the boy when the tutor briefly left, and invited him to join them. When the tutor tried to take the boy home with her, the men made it clear to her that it wasn't going to happen.
I was amazed, impressed, and deeply touched by how the restaurant patrons sought to protect the boy from the woman trying to take advantage of him. It gave me renewed hope ... If only I had stopped there. If only I had quit while I was ahead.
I should never have read the "Comments." I knew that I shouldn't. I honestly don't know why I did.
I couldn't get through more than a few pages of the Comments before I had to stop, or else I would have punched a hole through the wall, or my computer screen. It was a strange mix of feelings I had - I was not at all surprised, and at the same time, I couldn't believe what I was reading ...
And on and on and on ... As I was reading through one sexist comment after another, my hands were soon shaking and clenching with rage. I just had this one thought pounding through my head, over and over and over :
"He said no! He said NO! What in God's name is wrong with you people? Why can't you understand? HE SAID NO!"
So men in general, and teenaged boys in particular, are not allowed to say, "I don't want to." Is that it? I was so angry, I was on the verge of breaking down crying. In fact, I'm not entirely sure that I didn't. My memory of that is kind of a blur ...
How many decades has it taken for our society to understand that when a girl says no, she means no? I see it taking even longer for this. We could accept a boy's word for it that he just doesn't want to. We could respect his choice. We could protect him from a sexual predator - and any woman who does this is a sexual predator. But, no. Instead, these people would berate him for being gay or stupid, tell him to be a "real man," and pressure him to say yes to something he doesn't want to be a part of.
When a girl is pressured, coerced, intimidated, or harassed into saying yes when she doesn't want to, that is unquestionably wrong ... It should not be any different just because it's a boy saying no.
... It probably sounds like I have a personal stake in this. I do. I have a story - Two, in particular. I'm going to give you a condensed version of these events, because describing them in full would take several pages. For privacy reasons, I have changed the names of all of the people involved, with two exceptions - my sister, Katie, and my husband, Sean.
My first story involves my high school sweetheart, Paul.
(Sean, dear heart, just bear with me.)
Paul often stayed at his aunt and uncle's house, because his parents traveled a lot. His aunt had a close friend named Ashley, who was a frequent visitor to their house. Ashley was 26, and she could have been a model.
... I swear, Ashley seemed so nice.
Before long, I noticed that Paul always seemed very quiet and uncomfortable when Ashley was around. I actually thought that Paul had a crush on Ashley and felt awkward around her, especially when I was with him at the same time. I remember thinking that I should have been unhappy about this, but I honestly didn't mind. Ashley was gorgeous. I figured that it was natural for any teenaged boy to be attracted to her. I even began teasing Paul about it, making little jokes about how nice it must be to have Ashley in his house all the time. Sometimes, when Ashley was nearby, I would snuggle up close to Paul, playing up the "clingy, jealous girlfriend" thing. It was all in good fun. Or so I thought. I was quite, quite wrong.
I honestly don't know how it could have escaped my notice for so long. Eventually, I began to realize that there was something more going on here than just an awkward crush. Paul seemed really tense and anxious whenever Ashley was present. He was always reluctant to talk to her or even about her, and would often go out of his way to avoid being alone with her.
As time passed, it only grew worse. I began noticing a lot of odd things. For example, when Paul's family had a big dinner with several friends and relatives invited, I happened to see Paul in their living room, changing the seating arrangement. At first, I thought he was making sure that he and I would be sitting together, but then I realized that Paul's aunt had already put the two of us next to each other. I discovered that Paul was moving Ashley's seat all the way to the other end of the table from where we would be.
But Paul wouldn't talk about it. Every time I tried to bring it up, he would cut me off with a one-word answer and change the subject.
One afternoon, Paul was hanging out at my house, with me and my sister, Katie. We were all having fun, until I talked about Ashley. The mere mention of her name instantly made Paul stop smiling and tense up. I had had enough, and with Katie's help, insisted that Paul tell me what was bothering him. It eventually came down to me threatening to break up with him if he still refused to talk to me. (I was bluffing, but Paul didn't know that.) It was then that I found out the truth.
Ashley had been coming on to Paul for months, virtually every single time that she could get him alone, and sometimes (in small ways) even when other people were present. Paul had told her repeatedly that he had a girlfriend and he wasn't interested in Ashley, but she just wouldn't let up. He had kept this all to himself for so long, but when he finally started talking, he just let it all out. Ashley was making him feel so uncomfortable and humiliated, and he was now at his wit's end - frustrated, confused, and having no idea what he should do.
Just recently, I was cleaning out my hard drive when I came across a file of notes and personal reflections I had made about interesting videos I'd found in places like YouTube, Dailymotion, and news sites. As I was looking through it, I found myself staring at something that I had somehow managed to avoid thinking about for a long time. Like a tidal wave, it brought back so many memories, so much anger ...
About two years ago, I watched a video of an ABC News segment :
A 15-year-old boy is sitting at a table in a crowded New York restaurant, studying and waiting for his math tutor to arrive. The tutor turns out to be an extremely attractive blond woman, wearing an inappropriately low-cut top and short, tight skirt. As their tutoring session begins, she starts coming on to the boy. He repeatedly tells her to stop, and asks her to help him with his work, but she persists in hitting on him, growing ever more seductive and shamelessly obvious. Finally, she suggests that they go to her house to finish the lesson. The boy seems embarrassed, confused, and even scared. The other customers in the restaurant have witnessed all of this, in increasing discomfort and disbelief. What the customers didn't know was that this was all staged.
An ABC News crew had set up hidden cameras throughout the restaurant. The boy and the tutor were both actors. The restaurant employees all knew that the ABC crew was there, and what they were doing. This was a "social experiment," to find out how people would react if they saw this happening right in front of them.
Now, I think that it's fairly obvious how people would respond to seeing a grown man coming on to a 15-year-old girl who was trying to push him away and repeatedly telling him to stop. But what if the genders were reversed? Would the bystanders intervene, or do nothing?
You know, maybe I was just being cynical, but when I read the description of this segment, I immediately resigned myself to seeing the restaurant patrons doing absolutely nothing to help the boy. Much to my surprise and gratitude, however, they did intervene. Admittedly, those interventions were nowhere near as quick or as forceful as they undoubtedly would have been for a teenaged girl receiving unwanted attention from a grown man, but our society being what it is, I don't think we could have expected that.
They repeated this scenario several times with different customers, and each time, somebody stepped in to help the boy when they saw that he didn't like the tutor's advances. I vividly remember things like the patrons sarcastically asking the tutor if she was a "sex ed" teacher, and telling the tutor that she should "take a survey" if she doesn't understand why her behavior was embarrassing to the boy. At one point, the tutor tried to take the boy home with her, and a group of women physically blocked them from leaving, saying "He's not going anywhere with you" and "It'll be a cold day in hell before he leaves with you."
(There was only one time that the patrons did not intervene at all. In this particular run, the crew instructed the actors to make it look like the attraction was mutual. When it appeared that the boy and tutor were both willing participants, there were raised eyebrows, but nobody said anything.)
It was mostly women who took action to help the boy, but a few men as well. In one case, a man was visibly angered by what he was seeing, but his wife kept telling him to stay out of it. In the final run, a table of four men reached out to the boy when the tutor briefly left, and invited him to join them. When the tutor tried to take the boy home with her, the men made it clear to her that it wasn't going to happen.
I was amazed, impressed, and deeply touched by how the restaurant patrons sought to protect the boy from the woman trying to take advantage of him. It gave me renewed hope ... If only I had stopped there. If only I had quit while I was ahead.
I should never have read the "Comments." I knew that I shouldn't. I honestly don't know why I did.
I couldn't get through more than a few pages of the Comments before I had to stop, or else I would have punched a hole through the wall, or my computer screen. It was a strange mix of feelings I had - I was not at all surprised, and at the same time, I couldn't believe what I was reading ...
"He cares more about school than this hot ass teacher? That is fucked up, man."
"When I was 15, if I had a sexy tutor like that coming on to me, I'd have gone home with her in a second. Any man who says differently is either gay or lying."
"If I saw that the kid didn't want to go with her, I'd have done everything I could to encourage him to go. I would have said trust me, you won't regret it."
"Why the fuck would any straight 15-year-old male pass up a chance like this? No wonder he can't pass math. He's stupid."
"He was gay. No other explanations possible. Not that there's anything wrong with being gay, just saying ..."
"If I'd been there, I'd have intervened all right - to tell the boy to quit being a pussy and get himself some pussy instead. LOL."
"If this had happened to me when I was a teenager, I'd have killed anyone who tried to stop it."
"Listen, a teacher hitting on a teenaged student is seriously messed up - when it's a male teacher and a female student. A hot female teacher putting the moves on a teenaged boy is AWESOME."
"Why did those women have to cockblock him like that? Jeez, New Yorkers are stuck up."
"It's only rape if she's ugly."
"I don't mean to sound sexist here, but consent is really only relevant if it's a woman."
"Men can't be raped. That's a biological fact, and you're kidding yourself if you think it isn't."
"No wonder he needs a tutor. He's a moron."
"Uh, no, this is bullshit. If you are normal, meaning straight, you should be attracted to a hot ass like this. He's old enough to be a man about this. If I was there and he was whining like this, I'd have had a field day mocking and berating the little [string of homophobic slurs] ..."
"This scenario is completely unrealistic, unless the boy is gay. If it was a girl abused by a man, that'd make sense, though." [FYI - This comment was written by a woman.]
"How the fuck is this a bad thing? He gets laid, and he gets help passing school. I don't see a down side."
"I'd say to the kid, 'Hey, dude, are you gay or just stupid?'"
"When I was in high school, I had guys hitting on me every damn day, and at least three of my teachers made passes at me. All my girlfriends had similar experiences, or worse. And you expect me to feel bad for a 15-year-old guy getting hit on by a woman who looks like a Playboy model? Give me a break. If anything, this would be a good lesson for him. Maybe now he'll understand what girls have to go through all the time."
"Let me get this straight. A 15-year-old boy is about to have the greatest sex of his life, and we gotta stop it? OMFG, what is this world coming to?"
"If she was ugly, it'd make a whole lot more sense. Just saying she was way too attractive to rape anybody."
"If that was my son, I'd give him a wink and a thumbs up. And if he tried to whine that he didn't want to, I'd slap him for being gay, a wimp, or an idiot. Or all three."
"As a high school teacher, and a mother of two sons, I can tell you right now that this is a fantasy. Anybody who has spent time around teenaged boys knows that they are way too driven by hormones to say no to a woman even half as beautiful as this actress. I am not putting down boys. It's not their fault, it's just biology. I would certainly never put down my own sons. I'm just being realistic. In real life, this simply doesn't happen."
"It's only rape if you don't want it. And if a 15-year-old boy really doesn't want a piece of that, there's something wrong with him."
"They were just jealous, that's all. The women were jealous of this hot babe, and the men were jealous because ... Well, you know."
"When the tutor left, I'd have gone straight to the kid and said, 'Grow some balls and fuck the shit outta her.'"
"I would totally bang her. Shut the fuck up all you people saying it's rape. It's only rape if the kid doesn't want to, but in this case, I'd say he wants to. He's got to want to."
"If I was there, I'd be asking WTF is wrong with the kid."
"I can't believe all those idiots actually fell for this B.S. I would've taken one look at this hot piece of ass and known right away that there was no way in hell that a teenaged boy would say no to her. Cuz I'm not a moron."
"So now he knows how girls feel every day. Good."
"Did that kid take stupid pills this morning?"
"When I was 15, if I had a sexy tutor like that coming on to me, I'd have gone home with her in a second. Any man who says differently is either gay or lying."
"If I saw that the kid didn't want to go with her, I'd have done everything I could to encourage him to go. I would have said trust me, you won't regret it."
"Why the fuck would any straight 15-year-old male pass up a chance like this? No wonder he can't pass math. He's stupid."
"He was gay. No other explanations possible. Not that there's anything wrong with being gay, just saying ..."
"If I'd been there, I'd have intervened all right - to tell the boy to quit being a pussy and get himself some pussy instead. LOL."
"If this had happened to me when I was a teenager, I'd have killed anyone who tried to stop it."
"Listen, a teacher hitting on a teenaged student is seriously messed up - when it's a male teacher and a female student. A hot female teacher putting the moves on a teenaged boy is AWESOME."
"Why did those women have to cockblock him like that? Jeez, New Yorkers are stuck up."
"It's only rape if she's ugly."
"I don't mean to sound sexist here, but consent is really only relevant if it's a woman."
"Men can't be raped. That's a biological fact, and you're kidding yourself if you think it isn't."
"No wonder he needs a tutor. He's a moron."
"Uh, no, this is bullshit. If you are normal, meaning straight, you should be attracted to a hot ass like this. He's old enough to be a man about this. If I was there and he was whining like this, I'd have had a field day mocking and berating the little [string of homophobic slurs] ..."
"This scenario is completely unrealistic, unless the boy is gay. If it was a girl abused by a man, that'd make sense, though." [FYI - This comment was written by a woman.]
"How the fuck is this a bad thing? He gets laid, and he gets help passing school. I don't see a down side."
"I'd say to the kid, 'Hey, dude, are you gay or just stupid?'"
"When I was in high school, I had guys hitting on me every damn day, and at least three of my teachers made passes at me. All my girlfriends had similar experiences, or worse. And you expect me to feel bad for a 15-year-old guy getting hit on by a woman who looks like a Playboy model? Give me a break. If anything, this would be a good lesson for him. Maybe now he'll understand what girls have to go through all the time."
"Let me get this straight. A 15-year-old boy is about to have the greatest sex of his life, and we gotta stop it? OMFG, what is this world coming to?"
"If she was ugly, it'd make a whole lot more sense. Just saying she was way too attractive to rape anybody."
"If that was my son, I'd give him a wink and a thumbs up. And if he tried to whine that he didn't want to, I'd slap him for being gay, a wimp, or an idiot. Or all three."
"As a high school teacher, and a mother of two sons, I can tell you right now that this is a fantasy. Anybody who has spent time around teenaged boys knows that they are way too driven by hormones to say no to a woman even half as beautiful as this actress. I am not putting down boys. It's not their fault, it's just biology. I would certainly never put down my own sons. I'm just being realistic. In real life, this simply doesn't happen."
"It's only rape if you don't want it. And if a 15-year-old boy really doesn't want a piece of that, there's something wrong with him."
"They were just jealous, that's all. The women were jealous of this hot babe, and the men were jealous because ... Well, you know."
"When the tutor left, I'd have gone straight to the kid and said, 'Grow some balls and fuck the shit outta her.'"
"I would totally bang her. Shut the fuck up all you people saying it's rape. It's only rape if the kid doesn't want to, but in this case, I'd say he wants to. He's got to want to."
"If I was there, I'd be asking WTF is wrong with the kid."
"I can't believe all those idiots actually fell for this B.S. I would've taken one look at this hot piece of ass and known right away that there was no way in hell that a teenaged boy would say no to her. Cuz I'm not a moron."
"So now he knows how girls feel every day. Good."
"Did that kid take stupid pills this morning?"
"He said no! He said NO! What in God's name is wrong with you people? Why can't you understand? HE SAID NO!"
So men in general, and teenaged boys in particular, are not allowed to say, "I don't want to." Is that it? I was so angry, I was on the verge of breaking down crying. In fact, I'm not entirely sure that I didn't. My memory of that is kind of a blur ...
How many decades has it taken for our society to understand that when a girl says no, she means no? I see it taking even longer for this. We could accept a boy's word for it that he just doesn't want to. We could respect his choice. We could protect him from a sexual predator - and any woman who does this is a sexual predator. But, no. Instead, these people would berate him for being gay or stupid, tell him to be a "real man," and pressure him to say yes to something he doesn't want to be a part of.
When a girl is pressured, coerced, intimidated, or harassed into saying yes when she doesn't want to, that is unquestionably wrong ... It should not be any different just because it's a boy saying no.
... It probably sounds like I have a personal stake in this. I do. I have a story - Two, in particular. I'm going to give you a condensed version of these events, because describing them in full would take several pages. For privacy reasons, I have changed the names of all of the people involved, with two exceptions - my sister, Katie, and my husband, Sean.
My first story involves my high school sweetheart, Paul.
(Sean, dear heart, just bear with me.)
Paul often stayed at his aunt and uncle's house, because his parents traveled a lot. His aunt had a close friend named Ashley, who was a frequent visitor to their house. Ashley was 26, and she could have been a model.
... I swear, Ashley seemed so nice.
Before long, I noticed that Paul always seemed very quiet and uncomfortable when Ashley was around. I actually thought that Paul had a crush on Ashley and felt awkward around her, especially when I was with him at the same time. I remember thinking that I should have been unhappy about this, but I honestly didn't mind. Ashley was gorgeous. I figured that it was natural for any teenaged boy to be attracted to her. I even began teasing Paul about it, making little jokes about how nice it must be to have Ashley in his house all the time. Sometimes, when Ashley was nearby, I would snuggle up close to Paul, playing up the "clingy, jealous girlfriend" thing. It was all in good fun. Or so I thought. I was quite, quite wrong.
I honestly don't know how it could have escaped my notice for so long. Eventually, I began to realize that there was something more going on here than just an awkward crush. Paul seemed really tense and anxious whenever Ashley was present. He was always reluctant to talk to her or even about her, and would often go out of his way to avoid being alone with her.
As time passed, it only grew worse. I began noticing a lot of odd things. For example, when Paul's family had a big dinner with several friends and relatives invited, I happened to see Paul in their living room, changing the seating arrangement. At first, I thought he was making sure that he and I would be sitting together, but then I realized that Paul's aunt had already put the two of us next to each other. I discovered that Paul was moving Ashley's seat all the way to the other end of the table from where we would be.
But Paul wouldn't talk about it. Every time I tried to bring it up, he would cut me off with a one-word answer and change the subject.
One afternoon, Paul was hanging out at my house, with me and my sister, Katie. We were all having fun, until I talked about Ashley. The mere mention of her name instantly made Paul stop smiling and tense up. I had had enough, and with Katie's help, insisted that Paul tell me what was bothering him. It eventually came down to me threatening to break up with him if he still refused to talk to me. (I was bluffing, but Paul didn't know that.) It was then that I found out the truth.
Ashley had been coming on to Paul for months, virtually every single time that she could get him alone, and sometimes (in small ways) even when other people were present. Paul had told her repeatedly that he had a girlfriend and he wasn't interested in Ashley, but she just wouldn't let up. He had kept this all to himself for so long, but when he finally started talking, he just let it all out. Ashley was making him feel so uncomfortable and humiliated, and he was now at his wit's end - frustrated, confused, and having no idea what he should do.
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