Izabel Laxamana Suicide and Public Shaming

[Rageaholic]

Might or might not be related to this particular case, but a youtube comment (of all places) summed up how fucked up this public shaming meme is.

SOCIAL MEDIA SUICIDE: 13 Year Old Girl Commits Suicide After Dad Publicly Shames Her on Internet

He cut off all her hair as punishment and then shared it with the world.

No matter how poorly someone's child reflects on them, how does casting an even brighter light on the punishment accomplish anything at all? How is the humiliation connected with the lesson? Does the parent think it makes him look good? I

It's because the parents think that what they're doing is right, and they're bragging about what an aggressively good parent they are.

A mockery-based household is not good, especially in the age when we have have easy-access video/uploading at the time.

Bolded for emphasis.

[Andara Bledin]

While the comment is likely related, the outrage is over something that never happened.

He didn't publicize her punishment and he didn't brag about it.

There's a lot of things out there that you can get on your outrage wagon over, but this isn't one of them, and the fact that so many people are determined to waste time on this specific case is not only publicizing all the wrong things, but is actively preventing the necessary resources from being focused on kids in trouble who can actually be helped.

In a free society, not every suicide can be prevented. It really sucks, but that's where truth and reality lie. This was one of those suicides. Pointing fingers and using hindsight (especially when it's not even accurate) isn't going to help this girl or her family or anyone else in a similar situation.

Everybody wants a scapegoat, a person they can point to as being "at fault" and who they can do things different than so that this sort of thing won't happen to them. But it's a cold hard world, and life just doesn't work like that. Bad things happen and most of the time all you can really do is do your best.

[Shangri-laschild]

This was in response to some video. It doesn't specifically say bullying, but getting judged and looked down by everyone isn't much better.

There were times in school, especially around that age, when I felt like like I was being looked down on or judged. Sometimes it was by people who definitely bullied me. Sometimes the people in question weren't actually doing anything or saying anything, it was just a vibe I was getting from them or a way I could tell they felt. And other times, it was honestly all in my head. I saw things a certain way and didn't realize that either stuff had nothing to do with me or was for completely different reasons and if those people knew I felt that way, they would have been very surprised. I don't think I was alone in feeling like that. Plenty of people around that age feel like that. Feeling like that does not automatically mean bullying.

If the dad didn't post this video, this whole situation very much sucks for him. On top of losing a daughter, he's now being publicly gone after. Which when you think about it, if he didn't post the video, he's being bullied and publicly shamed for supposedly bullying and publicly shaming someone.

[s_stabeler]

while that is true, Shangri, if she felt that nobody cared about her- and it's what she might have felt, not necessarily what si easonable- it may have made it more liekly that she thought of suicide.

oh, and Andara: while it may not ave been possible to prevent Izabel Laxamana from comitting suicide, it IS worth trying to figure out why she committed suicide, so that, if those circumstances arise again, we can find out before and prevent it from happening. usually there is some form of sign that someone needs help.

[Gravekeeper]

I find it hard to believe that having her hair loped off and the process recorded as a future reminder her for her ( which, bluntly, is kind of fucked up ) didn't contribute to her suicide. A 13 year old doesn't just spontaneously kill herself in a vacuum. She obviously had some kind of problems going on and the father went the punitive/authoritative route instead of the supportive one.

[NecCat]

while that is true, Shangri, if she felt that nobody cared about her- and it's what she might have felt, not necessarily what si easonable- it may have made it more liekly that she thought of suicide.

oh, and Andara: while it may not ave been possible to prevent Izabel Laxamana from comitting suicide, it IS worth trying to figure out why she committed suicide, so that, if those circumstances arise again, we can find out before and prevent it from happening. usually there is some form of sign that someone needs help.

This is exactly what I was thinking. Searching for a reason, while it might be presented on the internet as a witch hunt for a convenient scapegoat, is always worthwhile as a teaching moment for others in the future It's heartbreaking to have someone you love commit suicide, if there is a chance you could learn something to prevent that in someone else in the future, always worth the attempt.

[Greenday]

the father went the punitive/authoritative route instead of the supportive one.

Yea, after giving her how may chances going to supportive route? As we know, she's screwed up multiple times before whatever incident it was that landed her in trouble getting her hair cut off (Which is a dumb punishment but whatever).

How long are you supposed to go the friendly route and get taken advantage of before putting your foot down?

[Andara Bledin]

This is exactly what I was thinking. Searching for a reason, while it might be presented on the internet as a witch hunt for a convenient scapegoat, is always worthwhile as a teaching moment for others in the future

So, bullying is totally a-ok in everybody's book as long as people believe that it's likely that the victim was, themselves, a bully.

I'm thinking that's not the message you mean to be sending...

[Gravekeeper]

Yea, after giving her how may chances going to supportive route? As we know, she's screwed up multiple times before whatever incident it was that landed her in trouble getting her hair cut off (Which is a dumb punishment but whatever).

How long are you supposed to go the friendly route and get taken advantage of before putting your foot down?

You don't body shame a troubled 13 year old girl and hand her a video of it as a reminder. Also, taken advantage of? The fuck? Plus, where do you get "supportive" out of "Stop it or I'll shave your head and videotape it"?

[Greenday]

You don't body shame a troubled 13 year old girl and hand her a video of it as a reminder. Also, taken advantage of? The fuck? Plus, where do you get "supportive" out of "Stop it or I'll shave your head and videotape it"?

Because just saying you'll get punished if you keep doing it is not punishment at all.

[Rageaholic]

I find it hard to believe that having her hair loped off and the process recorded as a future reminder her for her ( which, bluntly, is kind of fucked up ) didn't contribute to her suicide. A 13 year old doesn't just spontaneously kill herself in a vacuum. She obviously had some kind of problems going on and the father went the punitive/authoritative route instead of the supportive one.

This is what I'm thinking too. There is just something psychologically fucked up about the punishment that I can't put my finger on. Even ignoring the video hitting the webs, using that to hold over her head seems extreme. (though if she was into drugs and alcohol, he might have been desperate)

I'm not going to judge the father based on this one incident as I don't know all the details, but I just don't see these punishments helping matters.

[mathnerd]

Parenting through humiliation is just as bad, if not worse, than physical abuse if you ask me. I can only think of one situation where shaving a kid's head might be appropriate, and I've done it. That situation was that the kid in question was refusing to wash his hair, and it had become a health and hygiene issue. I gave the kid a month to get it right, and told him that if, at the end of the month, he had not gotten better about keeping his hair shampooed then I would keep it shaved so he didn't have to worry about it. The punishment directly fits the crime, and since a shaved head is acceptable in a boy, the humiliation factor just isn't there like it would be with a girl.

As others have said, this girl didn't commit suicide in a vacuum. I doubt that the head-shaving incident was the major cause, but I am absolutely certain it was a contributing factor, and maybe even the proverbial "straw".

[NecCat]

- I assume you are thinking of people blaming the fathers behaviour for the girls decision -

So, bullying is totally a-ok in everybody's book as long as people believe that it's likely that the victim was, themselves, a bully.

I'm thinking that's not the message you mean to be sending...

Not at all. The news articles, even the ones that are speculative instead of fully informed, are part of a process to find answers to a problem that concerns a lot of people in a lot of ways, and should be encouraged.

Teenagers often behave irrationally. Teenagers often believe themselves more alone or unaccepted then they are. Did the fathers punishment increase her suicidal tendencies or thoughts? Did she feel alienated at school, or was she actively bullied there? Did she express worrisome thoughts on a web site? More importantly, are these things that form a pattern with other teenagers who perform suicide? Most importantly, is there a pattern of experiences or a pattern of expression of feelings that can be recognized and used to prevent things like this?

It isn't bullying to form an opinion of someone else's behaviour, or to express that opinion to others. Even though this could be seen as causing the father more distress, I'm not sure it matters to him; he's probably going to blame himself no matter what other people decide or tell him about it. Also the public questions and searching do serve a greater purpose.

[Canarr]

I find it hard to believe that having her hair loped off and the process recorded as a future reminder her for her ( which, bluntly, is kind of fucked up ) didn't contribute to her suicide. A 13 year old doesn't just spontaneously kill herself in a vacuum. She obviously had some kind of problems going on and the father went the punitive/authoritative route instead of the supportive one.

Well, actually, they do: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/s...oryId=92319314

Anderson says that suicide is an overwhelmingly impulsive act. He cites a study of survivors that said only 13 percent reported thinking about committing suicide for eight hours or longer; 70 percent said they thought about it for less than an hour; and a whopping 24 percent said the idea had occurred to them less than five minutes before their attempt.

While I agree about cutting off her hair being fucked-up as punishment, I don't really feel comfortable judging the father by that incident alone. Now, if he had actually uploaded that video, I'd be with out. But just for the cut alone - not sure.

[Gravekeeper]

Well, actually, they do: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/s...oryId=92319314

Anderson says that suicide is an overwhelmingly impulsive act. He cites a study of survivors that said only 13 percent reported thinking about committing suicide for eight hours or longer; 70 percent said they thought about it for less than an hour; and a whopping 24 percent said the idea had occurred to them less than five minutes before their attempt.

Anderson is a novelist, not a doctor and again, suicide doesn't just occur in a vacuum. Suicide is *not* an overwhelmingly impulsive act. Only about 1 in 4 could be considered impulsive and, here's the thing, the more impulsive a person is, the more likely they are to impulsively commit suicide if they are in a suicidal state. Its correlation, not causation. Also, the more impulsive a suicide attempt is, the less serious it tends to be, medically speaking.

Additionally, an impulsive suicide in no way means there were no problems leading up to the suicide. Suicide is the end result of many well documented risk factors. Its the process of slowing giving up on life or seeking escape. Not just going "Welp, today sucked, better suck a shotgun".