Things I hate?

[kiwi]

I HATE being away from my family, I really miss them and shit is going down right now and no one will give me a straight story.

I HATE being told "don't worry you can't do anything anyway"

I HATE that I am put in the middle of arguments I don't even know are going on

I HATE that I get phone calls from some with them in tears and emails from others full of nasty accusations towards my other family members.

I HATE that my family airs their fucking dirty laundry in public for all to see

I HATE that where I am staying at Christmas when I fly home is being turned into a contest of who I love more, as is who I am seeing and for how long.... this from people who couldn't give a shit about making any time to see me when I was back for a 10 months a couple of years back

I HATE that access to me during my trip is being turned into emotional blackmail between family members and friends

I HATE that my family won't admit they need help to get over shit that has gone down in the past

I HATE that my family communicates by "whomever shouts the loudest is right" or "who ever has the nastiest insult wins"

I HATE that my family will tell me one week that they can't afford to buy food or pay rent and the next telling me about a shoppings spree making me swing between sadness and resentment

I HATE that people are hinting at illness, death, abandonment and loneliness.... they are so freaking dramatic it makes my head spin!

I HATE that their mind games are still affecting me. I swing between guilt and fear

I HATE that I purposely call in an upbeat mood and don't burden them with problems or frustrations because I don't want them to worry about me, but they don't afford me the same courtesy. Then I listen to their bitching and moaning for an entire hour every week because otherwise I would be a terrible daughter, sister, aunt etc

More than anything I HATE that I no longer want to even go home. K has really helped me work through my past and calm down. I'm a different person now to the one they knew, I don't want my life based on anger and melodramatic episodes that would make soap operas look tame.
I have a nice, quiet, and peaceful life now with no yelling or threats or anger. I'm dreading the 10 day trip thats more than 6 months away.

[DrFaroohk]

Wow dog...I totally feel for you here. I'm not sure of your exact situation but you just described my parents' divorce to a T. Whatever's going on, it seems like they've turned you into a crutch to lean on for emotional support.

I suck at giving advice, but now might be a good time to get a little bit selfish and take care of yourself for a while. Find a good friend or something that you can lean on and take a little bit of the load off.

Hang in there, pull through this, you'll be stronger for it.

[Slytovhand]

I'm dreading the 10 day trip thats more than 6 months away.

Umm... don't go?

It's good that you're a different person by moving away. Might be worth telling them all, in absolutely NO uncertain terms, that if they don't knock of their crap and start being more mature in the way the deal with each other, then you're quite happy to not have anything to do with any of them any more... after all... what will you really have to lose? (cos, from what you've just said, you've got a hell of a lot to gain!)

[AdminAssistant]

Kiwi,

I'm only 8 hours away from my folks, but that's exactly what it's like with my parents. I'm their bargaining tool - and they're still married. Of course, Dad's been threatening to leave for about a year and he's started drinking again...I swear, sometimes I wish they'd just get a divorce and get it over with. If she had room, I'd just go stay at my sister's every time I go home.

[kiwi]

Umm... don't go?<snip>what will you really have to lose? (cos, from what you've just said, you've got a hell of a lot to gain!)

And the problem with that is tenfold, I want to see my new and only niece who will be a 18 months old.

I havn't been back in almost 2 years now and I miss my friends and my family. As melodramatic as they are, they are the only family I have which is why this is tearing me up so much. Im trying to be a good daughter and sister (the arugments are between my Mother and only Brother), they are the only family alive now.

I also want to get my stuff! When I left NZ I had a suitcase and nothing else. I left most of my clothes, books, photos... you name it, its in boxes in my mothers garage and I want it, at least some of it. K and I have been putting aside money each paycheque to help pay for shipping some of it back.

It's also a money issue, we have already paid of the tickets (a 4 grand investment) and booked off our holiday time for K. It will be our ONLY holiday this year and most likely next year as well because its so expensive. Thats why I want it to be a happy and relaxing trip.

I think I will email those invloved and spell out that I just wont accept the dramatics while I am there. If they start up with me or each other, K and I will get in our rental car and go somewhere else until they start acting like adults. I'm not going to ruin K's vacation as he has worked so hard to get me through immigrating and he NEEDS to know this vacation is going to be relaxing. 10 days lazying on the beach will do him a world of good.

They are both adults, if they want to yell and scream at each other then thats fine. But they should NOT be doing it in front of an infant or in front of me.

[tabbyblack13]

If your family treats you like that then ditch them. My Mother left her family because of the emotional and mental abuse. It was effecting her marriage. You might have to do the same thing before it effects your relationship.

[kiwi]

this is the last straw

I get another lonely phone call today from my Mother who casually mentiones that my brother and his girlfriend havn't set the time for christmas dinner because they dont know when her family are arriving...sorry

Two years ago was to be my LAST christmas in NZ for who knows how long (at that stage I was moving to London for 5 years) and they drove 7 hours three days before christmas to spend it with her family.... fine that hurt but fair enough.

Then last year my niece was born (the first grandchild for both sets of granparents) and they took my niece down to her parents place for christmas and have been severely restricting my mothers access to her (for no reason, my mother is wonderful with small children she owned a kindy for 5 years a while back and has an early childhood degree) my bother tells her to come over, and then she is told that time is inconvient... She has seen her for half an hour maybe once a month despite living twenty minutes from them. They have been saying no presents, no easter eggs and then posting photos on facebook of her with the other grandparents and you guessed it... presents and easter eggs...and shes fairly heart broken over this. My Mother spends christmas completely alone because she is NOT invited down with them (I asked why she wasn't going because she was to upset to and we were told it would be to much of a hassle... to see her first grandchilds christmas).

I find out this year... they have invited her entire family up for christmas, aunts, uncles, grandparents the entire bit. They expect me to just fit in with their plans with no consultation.

So let me get this straight. For two christmasses in a row My mother (who is disabled and while not an angel has tried her best with what she had) is left ALL BY HERSELF for christmas with barely a phone call. This christmas K and I are spending around 4 grand to come home and we have to "share it" with her family. The reason.... THEY DONT WANT THEM TO FEEL LEFT OUT

FUCK THIS FUCK THEM I AM SO ANGRY I FEEL LIKE IM GOING TO EXPLODE.

well they can go to hell if they think I'm going to let this double standard go on

My Mother pleaded with me to "keep the peace" but they can get stuffed if they think they can treat her this way, and K and I this way as well. Im not spending thousands of dollars to spend my christmas around strangers. I am certainly not going to spend them with a brother who has so little respect for my mother and I. He can get fucked. I love my niece but she has no chance if she has a man like that raising her.

Im done with him. I have been thinking about asking my Mother to move here to be closer to me but didn't want to take her away from my brother. Now he has removed that barrier for me. At least here she will be wanted and loved and included.

[tabbyblack13]

If she is disabled then someone should be looking in on her. My Dad checks on Grandpa once a week and Grandpa isn't disabled. If she is better off with you then she should be with you.

[kiwi]

Well I have emailed him calmly and politely and let him know how I feel about this.

I don't expect him to change his plans as he has made it crystal clear just how unimportant we are now he has his girlfriends new family but I was not going to take this lying down.

I didn't swear once, I wrote the email then slept on it, then edited it this morning and sent it. Im really proud that I stood up for myself and my Mother. I said almost everything I wanted to ( I left out most of the stuff about him hurting my mum) because this is about him hurting my feelings. If he wants to bully me I wont take it with a smile like she does, unlike her I feel under no obligation to have a relationship with him. Espeically as he has made it so very clear that both my mother and I are superflouses and an inconvienence.

But as I said before Im done with him. I will still send him christmas/birthday cards and presents but only as a matter or courtusey. I will be seriously discussing if once Im a perm resident here if my Mum can be brought over under the family reunification clause.
She said in her last phone call that she talks to me more than she sees or talks to him and I live across the world.

[Slytovhand]

Hey Kiwi... and response?

I've made it clear to my family that they are just another part of the 6 billion humans currently on this planet - being related does not give them any special privileges in my books... after all, Hitler, Pol Pot, Stalin, Attilla the Hun etc all had family... being related to someone doesn't make them a saint, or worthy of any more forgiveness than anyone else (blood is only as thick as the head it's in).

I don't necessarily advocate this idea to everyone, but certainly, some people need to pull their socks up in how they treat their family members... and what they'll let them get away with.

[PepperElf]

Mom's sisters often had stuff like that going on. Playing favorites, telling lies, trying to stir up hate and discontent. Mom took the stance that if you can't handle something, give it to God... so she said "God, here you go... my sisters."

Since then, she was able to maintain - if not a normal relationship, then at least one that's healthy enough for her to handle with two sisters (set a) while cutting off the other 2 (set b).

One cousin tried yelling at Mom for it and got put in her place very quickly. Mom didn't (and still) doesn't have time for the evil-spawned drama and refuses to get entangled in it.


editing my stuff after reading more about your mom...

eh, maybe a vaction for just you and your mom
sounds like she needs some family too