Me

[smileyeagle1021]

Right now I genuinely hate myself. Absolutely hate everything about myself. I hate that I'm such a horrible person that I can't adopt (one agency didn't even approve me to work with them because I'm such a horrible person, the other one let me proceed before the birth mother decided I was a horrible person). I hate that I couldn't force myself to be straight when I was younger so that adoption would be my only option. I hate that I can't just enjoyably stick my penis in a vagina and become a father, something I have wanted to be before I even truly understood the full ramifications of the word. Though who am I kidding, even if I were straight, my blood pressure makes sex to completion difficult so even then, I probably would have difficulty having a family. I hate that I have tricked so many people into thinking I'm not a horrible person. I hate that I have a husband who loves me, despite the fact that every minute he stays with me is a minute he isn't working towards his own goals of having a family because I'm too horrible of a person to be allowed to have one. I hate that I have friends who tell me things will work out when I know that they won't, karma will never reward someone as horrible as me. I hate that when I look at happy families, rather than feeling happy for them, I hate them for having something that I can't have. I hate that my first reaction to people telling me that they've chosen to be childfree is to despise them utterly for squandering the gift of fertility while some of us ache for that opportunity and can't have it. I hate that despite knowing that I will never be happy, that I'm too much of a coward to end the suffering. I hate that there are literally thousands of resources to help me overcome being such a horrible person, that all I have to do is pick up the phone, but to pick up the phone means convincing myself that I'm worthy of help, and a horrible person such as me certainly doesn't deserve help, let them help people who deserve it. And most of all, I hate that I know I will probably never change.

[SkullKing]

Hey man, what do you feel you have done that is so horrible?
Is it because of your sexual orientation only? If so that doe snot make you a bad person in any way.


Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

[smileyeagle1021]

I'm a gay man with a kind of fucked up history who wants nothing more than to be a father. Apparently, you can be a gay man and be a father or you can have a kind of fucked up history and be a father, but you can't be both and be a father.

[SkullKing]

That sucks.

good luck man, so many children need a home, hope you get your wish.

[telecom_goddess]

Was this a state adoption? Have you tried private adoption? I know that's potentially expensive but worth a thought. Or maybe a surrogate?

[smileyeagle1021]

Was this a state adoption? Have you tried private adoption? I know that's potentially expensive but worth a thought. Or maybe a surrogate?

We've tried both state and private. The state wouldn't even consider us, I was too horrible of a person for them. Because I couldn't demonstrate to them how I was coping with childhood abuse, I was not suitable at the time, because I told them I wasn't abused (because I wasn't), I'm dishonest and never going to be a suitable candidate.
The private agency approved us, but the birth mother decided I was too horrible of a person, that I wasn't emotionally stable enough. People have told me that in hindsight it was obvious that the birth mother was never going to let us have the child, she was just using us for her own amusement, that she gets off on toying with people like that, but that doesn't change that in our file the adoption failed because the birth mother decided she didn't approve of me, even if the agency says I'm an alright guy. We can't afford another try to a private adoption, even not having the adoption go through, we are out about $10k, we'd need to save up at least another $20k to try again, with $30 being more realistic.
Surrogacy is completely out of the question. In Nevada, a surrogacy requires both donor egg, donor sperm (though it can be ours, the main point is the woman carrying the child cannot be in any way related to the child). The absolute minimum for this is $50k, with upwards of $100k not being unheard of.
About our only option that is realistic is find a friend who is willing to either get one of us drunk enough to sleep with her or is willing to use the "turkey baster" method (which, doesn't actually involve a turkey baster anymore, they actually have at home fertility treatments, they are technically intended for heterosexual couples where the man has a low sperm count and needs help introducing the sperm as close to the egg as possible to increase their odds, but I am not above using it for an off-label use).
We've already had people tell us though, it's time to admit that maybe we were just never meant to be parents and we should look for what we were meant to do. Which, if I'm not going to be a parent, I might as well kill myself now, because I will have nothing to live for. I love my husband, but he's always been the stronger one, he can handle dying alone, I don't think I can. My greatest fear, and why I tried so damned hard to make myself straight, and sometimes I think I should have tried harder even though I know it is impossible, is dying alone and forgotten. My nieces and nephews will shed a tear, but none would probably bother to show up at my funeral, most of my friends will die before me (most of my friends are older than me, and of the ones who are younger a good number have lifelong conditions like diabetes or epilepsy which drastically shortens their life expectancy) and even the ones who outlive me probably won't miss me too much. The only lasting legacy I will leave behind is my records with social security and the IRS. If that is all that I have to look forward to, what's the point in dragging it out?
And before everyone gets worried, no, I'm not going to kill myself, not even seriously considering it. I'm too much of a coward to take my own life, and besides, as long as my mother is still breathing, I won't condemn her to the same fate that I fear so much.

[Teysa]

Just out of curiosity, are the rules for fostering a child as stringent as the ones for adopting? It seems like you and your husband could give a foster child some much needed love and support. It could also give the state some tangible proof that you would be a good father. I do know it's not the same as adopting a cute little baby, but it might open some doors and help some one else at the same time.

[smileyeagle1021]

Just out of curiosity, are the rules for fostering a child as stringent as the ones for adopting? It seems like you and your husband could give a foster child some much needed love and support. It could also give the state some tangible proof that you would be a good father. I do know it's not the same as adopting a cute little baby, but it might open some doors and help some one else at the same time.

Fostering is actually more stringent... that was our first choice. We very much believed that if we couldn't conceive naturally, that was a clear sign we should be taking in the children who are already here who have no home. But, the county said no, because I could not prove that I was coping with abuse (that never happened, but don't let facts get in the way), that I was unsuitable.

As much as I love my husband, I hate being gay, I wish more than anything that I could hit the reset button, pray that whatever transposition error or whatever it is that caused me to be gay would fix itself in the reboot, and I could be straight, and I could have a family, that all it took was putting penis in vagina (and enjoying it no less) and I could have a family.
My attitude on the topic isn't helped by all the gay men who spout "but not having to worry about getting pregnant is like the best part."
As much as I know there is nothing wrong with being gay, as much as I know it is natural, as much as I know it is how we are born, I can't get over the cruelty that I was one of the people who turned out that way. It is a cruel joke that a gay man has dreams of being a father.