Friends And What's Important...

[blas87]

Sometimes I really wonder why I am friends with some of them....

So as I posted on CS, there was a bikini contest that I signed up for. It's really important to me.

I knew that the night of the event, not many people would be able to come because of work, and I totally understand that. I just wanted anyone who could come to come.

Some of my friends, DAYS later (as this was 4 days ago!) still have not even ACKNOWLEDGED the fact that I did go and do it. It's not that they couldn't/didn't show....it's that they DID NOT even comment on it or even say anything to me.

Fuck, even complete strangers from a forum on the Internet were more supportive than some of my real life friends. THAT really says something.

It's not that they couldn't make it, per say. If they would have even wished me good luck and voted for me online, that'd be plenty for me. Even if they just voted once.

But Friday and Saturday night, oh....lo and behold....they are still alive and well. And wanting me out and about at the bar with them. Right MEOW. The times being as they are, I probably should not have even been in the contest and spent the money that I DID drinking that night. Obviously I'm not in any financial state to go drinking every single night off that I get. Even if I wasn't drinking....I wanted to go out to the movies with my boyfriend, get some grub, and spend a quiet weekend with him. He and I don't go out much anymore because neither of us have much money, and we find it better to spend the little money we have on "Date" type stuff and staying in and cuddling.

But I digress. Oh, so urgent, blas, you NEED to come out right NOW. EVERYONE is here! EVERYONE!!!11!!!! is out tonight, and you HAVE to come.

Fuck you. You didn't even acknowledge something that was truly important to me, and now you're demanding that I come out and drink with you, and you refuse to take no for an answer and you won't quit texting me? And when I start ignoring you, all of a sudden more and more of my friends are texting me and begging me to come out?

No.

Maybe you can take this as a personal form of payback. Although, since most of them are always out drinking on the weekend, it obviously wasn't any special event. But maybe now they realize that if you're going to blow off something important to me, I'll blow you off next time. You couldn't even be bothered to wish me luck or vote for me, or even say "Hey, that's cool you're doing that!"....and you want me there right NOW and I HAVE to come? Fuck no.

Having said all of this, thank you to all my real friends who did support me and vote for me, and ESPECIALLY to all of you CS/Fratch folks! It really says a lot when complete strangers from the internet are more supportive than real life friends!

A million thanks again. If I win, the greater majority of it will be because of you guys. Thank you!

[Cat]

First off...let me wish you luck in the contest....and I will go read the other post about it

Second, I completely understand....I have friends who alwats whine that I have to drive to see them more, get snarky when I don't...and when I plan birthday-hike for myself....they don't show or rsvp.

I put in more hours driving weekly then they do, and everytime I ask them to hnag out down by me...nadda. A few of them are close to be written outta my life because of this.


So sorry to thread-jack, but I know excacly how you feel....

Though, as I look at it, I can and will now ignore most request for my attandance at any event they feel important

(my shoreline friends and bf aside...THEY came out!)

[blas87]

You didn't thread jack at all. In fact, I'd love to hear from people who share the same pain that I do. It's good to not feel alone.

Distance was a valid excuse that night, as was work. It just baffles me why some of them couldn't be bothered to even say "Hey good luck!" or "Hey I heard about the contest, I'll vote for you!" but come Friday and Saturday, they were pitching a fit that I wouldn't go out to see them.

I'm not an extreme person, and rarely does something happen for me that is that important where I try to get everyone around me involved. But when it does, naturally, people back out or make up excuses, but it doesn't stop them from treating every single weekend outing as SO important and that I HAVE to come with them!

[Boozy]

I think they probably just forgot about it, which is why they didn't ask any follow-up questions. I suspect they would have remembered if they had known how important it was to you, but they probably didn't realize that.

If I heard that one of my friends was entering a bikini contest, I'd assume that they were doing it on a lark. As a spontaneous, "just for kicks" sort of thing. It's not one of those obviously important moments like a wedding, a birthday, a funeral, a birth of a baby, a graduation.... you get the idea. Honestly, in a situation like this, I'd need my friend to come right out and say something like "This bikini contest may sound silly, but it's actually very important to me." Otherwise, I'd have a chuckle about how care-free my friend is, hope they have a great time, and move on to thinking about other things.

I don't know if you made any of that clear to your friends (apologies if you did), but what's stopping you now? They obviously like you and want to hang out with you. Why not call one of them up and say, "Hey, I want to tell you all about the bikini contest the other night." As soon as they're reminded, I'll bet you'll get a chorus of "Oh right! How did that go?"

So many of the social and relationship problems I hear people complaining about stem from their expectations that their friends and loved ones be mind-readers. They aren't. If you want something from a relationship and you aren't getting it, ask for it.

[Slytovhand]

While I do agree with you in theory, Boozy, there are times when something is really really obvious (or should be), but still gets ignored.

I learnt that lesson a long long time ago, that the things that really interest me mean bugger all to those people around me - so, I withdrew and just do what I do and don't talk about my stuff a lot. I tend to 'keep secrets' now.

Best example of why: I was graduating from a course I did. YAY!! I invited my friends into town and to the graduation, and they knew it was a big deal to me (after all, I'm inviting them in!!). We had organised to go out afterwards - nothing spectacular, but dinner at a cool place in town. They piked Apparently, they had gone to Hungry Jacks (Burger King, for the non-Aussies) before hand, so weren't hungry... grrrr! I did a Blas, blew them off, and went to dinner by myself.

I learnt that the big things to me weren't really going to be big things to anyone else... so.......

This is why we need a good sense of self-esteem, and not rely on other people to provide it for us.

I take it to a bigger extreme - I will not bother with people who will not put in the effort and energy to go out of their way for me. I give them a bit, and see what happens. Doesn't need to be a lot - emails are a simple start. But, if you can't be bothered replying, or sending me one to start off with (or an sms etc),then fine!

"I'm busy" translates into "You're not high enough on my list of priorities to put any effort into". I mentioned this to someone a couple of years ago. While she agreed, I'm still waiting for her to drop me a line... yet, she'll act all guffy when I see her at work and "Oh, how are you? I haven't seen you in ages. What's been happening?" Well - you'd know if you were a friend who gave a stuff!

Look at the bright side, Blas.. Those are the sort of 'friends' who won't hold you back or down when you get on with your life. For me, that translates into not missing people so much I can't leave the country and travel the world for the next decade or 2 (as per my Bragging Base post). They will, instead, be the people you left behind... and they'll be scratching their heads wondering why you don't bother calling them when you're living in Paris!

Enjoy the ones you've got

Good luck in the comp. I'll try to pop on and vote later today (got a reminder written on teh back of my hand right now.... you know what graveyard shifts are like with the memory!)

[Boozy]

While I do agree with you in theory, Boozy, there are times when something is really really obvious (or should be), but still gets ignored.

And that may well be the case here. Blas didn't indicate what sort of conversations she had with her friends before the contest. If she did let on how important it was to her, it was rude for her friends not to acknowledge it.

At that point, she's have to re-evaluate the value of those friendships.

[Greenday]

This reminds me, I didn't vote this hour yet.

Story of my life. My friend's are never around when I REALLY want to do something, but they don't hesitate to bother me to do something really stupid crap they want to do. No I don't want to go out with you and a bunch of guys. Why in world would that sound fun to me? I mean, I've come up with fun stuff to do but always get shot down. Just gonna do it back to you.

[DesignFox]

Most of my annoyance with un-supportive friends ended when my ex and I broke up.

Turns out it all wasn't any loss.

I now have a boyfriend who will come to the barn and try to ride. Who has met the horse (and the horse seems to approve of him). AND who wants to come see one of my shows.

I have friends who actually think what I do is cool, and they don't put me down for spending all my spare cash on it- or worse- tell me I'm not permitted to talk about it because they "don't care". (nothing feels more rotten than winning your division at a show and then coming home to a BF and friends who refuse to let you talk about your accomplishment- or worse, belittle it)

Lesson learned for me.

If you specifically mentioned how important this was to you, at the very least your friends should be supportive of it- even if they couldn't actually go and witness the event.

[powerboy]

Blas, good luck. And if you need someone to vote for you and the poll is also online. Then I will vote for you. I had friends who I have written out of my life, because they ignored me to much.

[blas87]

I went on Facebook the day I decided to do it and texted all of my friends about it.

I hear some of you loud and clear you feel the same way. I can never convince my friends to go to a movie with me or out to eat....suddenly they are "too busy"......I cannot do what they do. I do not want to get evicted or kicked out by a room mate because I kept skipping out on rent because I went out and partyed every single night!

[blas87]

Here, this would be a better example.

One of the friends I am referring to.....she isn't one of the friends who has completely refused to acknowledge this whole thing.

But this girl is as bad of a Facebook addict, in fact, worse than me, because she has it on her phone so she can Facebook it up anywhere, anytime. And I KNOW she'd been online all week last week and she had to have seen my status updates.

I took last Thursday night off for the event, obviously. So I took my laundry to my parents' house Thursday instead of Friday since it wouldn't make sense to drive 15 miles just to do laundry on Friday. Anyway.....so after all week of not commenting or showing any notice on what I had planned for Thursday night......ohhh....it seems she DID notice my status about taking Thursday night off for the event, because my status said something about doing my laundry at my parents' house before getting ready for my big night...

Of course she noticed THAT. Around noon, I get a text message from her on my phone. What does it say?

"I see you took tonight off....wanna go out for drinks tonight at xxxx?"

Um, excuse me? All week you chose not to notice or even care about what I've been planning on this night, this whole week, and then you see I took tonight off and want me to go drinking with you?

I kept my cool and texted her "Sorry I can't I'm going to xxxx bar in xxxx town because I've been planning this whole bikini contest all week and it's solid plans. Sorry."

She texts back "Oh, sorry I won't be able to make it. Text me when you can go out drinking with me again."

Whatever.

At least she wished me luck. But still, all week last week, I saw her status updates and comments on our mutual friends' statuses. She HAD to have seen what I was planning. But no....we gotta go drinking together, but of course she wasn't willing to go where I wanted to go! Of course she just stayed in town and drank where she always does...!!!

[DesignFox]

Aww man. That's total crap! What would the difference have been if she went to the bar YOU were at, instead of a different one? I don't get it.

If people do that to me enough, I seriously stop hanging out with them. That is completely uncool. If she was inviting you out, obviously she had the night available.

[Cat]

I am def waiting for my friends (the ones who ditch me) to call/txt me to see if I wanna hang this weekend....what I shame I am already going to see the Sea Chanty Festival at the seaport, with the friends who are willing to drive to see me (helps they are into the chnaty scene {yes, we have a chanty scene})

One of my ditchie-friends bday is soon....I may have to be "busy"

[anriana]

If one of my friends was in a bikini contest I wouldn't go.

I probably wouldn't acknowledge it either because I wouldn't have anything nice to say.

[AdminAssistant]

I probably wouldn't acknowledge it either because I wouldn't have anything nice to say.

Why?

I mean, beauty contests and the ilk aren't really my bag (baby), but if it were a friend, I'd at least wish them luck. It's ballsy as hell to get half naked and walk around in front of a bunch of strangers to be judged. And if it were a good friend, I'd probably go, sit on the front row, and make a lot of obnoxious catcalls.