"Friends"

[MaggieTheCat]

I started thinking about this when replying to the "stuck in the middle" post, and figured it was best to start a new thread about it.

I have very few true "friends." I can think of three people (outside of my immediate family) who I really trust and who have been there for me/I've been there for them every time the shit hits the fan.

Oh sure, I have lots of "friends." I know lots of people and I'm friendly with lots of people, and I hang out with lots of people. But really, when it comes down to it, most of them really don't give a damn.

Case in point. Back in Wisconsin, I had a "friend" who I was very, very close to for several years. We would hang out together fairly often and sometimes just go on drives and talk about stuff, mostly relationship issues (romantic and otherwise.) For a while, I started considering him my "best friend." I trusted him and would confide in him when I needed advice/was having a bad day/etc.

However, there would also be periods of time when I wouldn't hear from him for days, sometimes weeks. I knew where he worked (he was a bartender at my favorite bar in town) so it would get to the point where I'd actually go to the bar specifically to see him and ask if he wanted to hang out sometime, because he wouldn't return my phone calls or texts.

Then he moved away to go to college, and got even more distant. I understand this. He would come home every weekend to work the bartender gig, and the bar is closed on Sundays (and he usually didn't work both Friday and Saturday nights every weekend) so he'd often say during the week, "let's get together this weekend." And then I'd never hear from him. I'd text him or call him to ask if he wanted to do lunch or go for a ride, and I'd get no response, at all.

I hardly EVER talk to him anymore, and it really sucks 'cuz we were so close for a while, and I miss some of the conversations we'd have. On the other hand, the last couple times I've seen him, he's acted like a complete jerk, so I wonder if it would ever be worth it to try and mend our friendship.

I guess what I'm getting to is it really irks me that people can be so "friendly" when they want to be, and act like they don't give a damn the next minute. There were times when I would call/text my friend crying, asking him to call me back because I was upset and needed someone to talk to, and I'd never hear from him about it. Not even the next day, or a week later, saying "sorry I didn't get back to you, I lost my phone" or "I couldn't call you back the other day, hope you're feeling better." Just absolutely zero acknowledgment of the situation.

[Slytovhand]

Yep... know where you're coming from...

But I think you forgot to mention, when they're crying and wanting to talk to you, you make the effort... And doesn't it suck that it isn't reciprocated.

Personally, that's why I'm such a loner/hermit type. I learnt that people will never put in the effort that I will. Granted, my efforts can be large ones, done occasionally, while others will do smaller ones, more often...

Keep the ones who want you to care - dump the one's who don't really give a damn if you're there or not. (but... don't fall into the trap of always being needed.. and confuse that with friendship...)

[blas87]

Amen to that.

It's pretty sad that after how many years of doing this "friend" thing with people, it took me until I was 22 years old to understand that there are some people out there who just are not good friends. People who only care about themselves and everything pertaining to them is a huge deal, but something that's important to you is nothing and if it's not convenient, forget it.

I just went through something like that myself with the bikini contest. It's quite rare that something is important enough for me to get all riled up about and ask for support with......and it was just astounding the amount of people that I didn't expect to support me (coworkers and people that I didn't think even cared for me much!) and people who are just "work friends", who are actually proving to be more true friends than the people I thought my friends are. Not to mention people from here and CS.....people who will probably never meet me face to face or talk to me IRL....and they were all for me. It's unbelievable when a bunch of acquaintances and complete strangers believe in you more than people that you thought were your friends.

It's also amazing how many people will drop you and write you completely out of their lives when you start running low on money and quit going out and drinking so much, or start acting like an adult and abiding by a budget and not neglecting your bills and other finances......when they are still partying it up all the time and risking getting evicted or kicked out by their roommates for not having any money for rent!

[IDrinkaRum]

Trust me, I completely understand this. And I keep having dreams confronting these 2 "friends" of mine. And even in my dreams they just blow me off!

One of them - Mare*, I've been friends with since 1989. We went to high school together & we were in the same choir class. She had an accident where she fell off her loft bed, hit her head, and all her memories before 1989 were completely wiped away. When she came back, she didn't remember anyone and walked with a cane (she had severe balance issues). I befriended her and were so close, we were psychically closer to each other than she was with her twin sister.

The other friend - Anya* and I were friends from high school also. We lost touch, got back together and again, we were as thick as thieves. She was one of my brides maids in my wedding.

Then I had my daughter. I had post partum depression. I had a mother & father who would tell me that they'd watch said daughter whenever I'd ask them to. Then they would tell me they'd have no time to watch child (and then complain about not seeing her "enough"). I couldn't go out to bars and watch Anya's husband play in his band. After the PPD lasted for so long, it turned into full blown depression. I've also been diagnosed with Emotional Anxiety, Social Anxiety and OCD.

When I needed them the most, they flaked. I wasn't important enough.

I cried myself to sleep on many a night because I missed them so much.


*Names changed to protect the guilty.

[lovlybones]

I have had the same situation come up. being in college its hard to keep track of people over time, when one of my really close friends "was too busy" to hang out anymore i got really upset about it.

eventually, I have learned that I shouldn't be friends with someone who can't make time for me. its just not right for me to be so willing to change my plans to fit theirs, and even when i do they back out at the last minute, its total crap. but i also says that they aren't good friends, and no one needs someone like that as a friend.

[blas87]

It's really sad and hard when you come to the realization that someone merely uses you at their own convenience and doesn't really think of you as a real friend

[Greenday]

Ok, how about this shit? I like to go visit my best friend every so often during the summer. Once every few weeks. She just graduated at my college, but her lease isn't over until mid-August. I'm friendly with her three apartmentmates. I even considered one of them my friend. But this apartmentmate has been crap to my best friend. Her boyfriend isn't the most considerate of guys. Besides that, he snores REALLY REALLY loudly. My best friend can't sleep because of it. I've talked to the other two who were in the apartment and they both said it was obnoxiously loud. But like, it's so bad that my best friend cannot go to sleep until the other girl's boyfriend wakes up in the morning. My friend has no actual sleep schedule because of him because she wouldn't be able to go to sleep until like 7am. Because of this, my friend told the girl her boyfriend can't sleep over anymore because she can't sleep because of him. Sounds fair enough, right?

Obviously not. The girl had her boyfriend drive two hours to hang out and they went out drinking so he couldn't drive home so he had to sleep over. But the girl planned it that way. Once again he snored ridiculously loud. My friend pounded on the door, texted, called, pounded on the door to no response. My friend called the school's police and they said they'd kick him out. They never came. They are VERY worthless. Should have just called 911 and said there was a trespasser.

The girl had the balls to write my friend a note saying that she doesn't think it's fair that the only person she wants to stay over, her boyfriend, isn't allowed to. It's only one person after all (oh, wait, wasn't another one of our friends supposed to stay with her in two weekends and then another girl weekend after that? so much for just one person). She then said since she can't have the only person she wants to stay over, my friend can't have anyone stay over (a.k.a. me since I'm the only one who my friend has stay over). But it's not like I'm obnoxious.

So now, even though the girl and I had been friends before, she won't let me stay over just because she's a spiteful bitch. This means I have nowhere to stay in two weekends for a mutual friend's 21st birthday party. So my best friend only has one option and now the bitch can't have ANYONE sleep over, not just her boyfriend. But the bitch is going to spin things and make my friend out to be the bad person without saying why no one can sleep over.

[blas87]

That's not a "friend" at all, Greenday. Welcome to the world of finding out how ugly some people can really be.

[Greenday]

Yea, it kinda sums up last year. Lot's of finding out who I can and can't trust.

[blas87]

Hey, I feel for you. I'm still trying to figure out who is a real friend and who just uses me for entertainment or something that they think I have.

[powerboy]

This is how I am. I will give you three chances. The first time, something could have happen. The second time, you redeem yourself. You blow me off a third time and well, you are not a friend. Now ofcourse my group is excluded from it, since we are pretty much a family.

[Akasa]

I have one friend who is like family, she's been there for me I've been there for her. Everyone else has to prove themselves to me. There is someone approaching friend status right now. He's brought me groceries while I hand pneumonia and couldn't walk a mile to the grocery store.(Which is closer than the bus stop.)

[blas87]

Wow, powerboy, you're way too forgiving.

I tried the baseball rule of thumb before and that just gave people more opportunities to blow me off.

You blow me off once, I better at least get a phone call or a text. If I get a text or plans get cancelled in decent time, then you get a second chance. You totally blow me off and don't call or text or even bother trying to get a hold of me and act like nothing's happened and you're done.

[Slytovhand]

"I'm busy"="You're not high enough on my list of priorities for me to put any effort into".

And I totally believe that!

I recently sent a post to my yahoo group telling them I'm disappearing to China soon. Someone posted back that they'll miss me...how??? I mean, the only contact has been via those posts online, and once every 8 months or so, a text... how can you miss someone from that?? Baffles me! (yeah, ok, I'm harsh..! )

Blas, I totally agree with the last part of your last sentence, but I like to believe (in my naivete) that there's a good reason for the sudden dump... if not - bye bye!

[powerboy]

Wow, powerboy, you're way too forgiving.

I tried the baseball rule of thumb before and that just gave people more opportunities to blow me off.

You blow me off once, I better at least get a phone call or a text. If I get a text or plans get cancelled in decent time, then you get a second chance. You totally blow me off and don't call or text or even bother trying to get a hold of me and act like nothing's happened and you're done.

If or when that happens again, I will use your approach.