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The way my sister-in-law raises her kids

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  • The way my sister-in-law raises her kids

    My brother (G) and his wife (P) have two children: Z, a 13-year-old boy, and L, an 11-year-old girl. These kids are, I think, already pretty screwed up, and from what I understand, it's only going to get worse.

    Let's start way back when Z was born. His mother was extremely over-protective of him (still is, too.) To the point where she wouldn't leave him alone with anyone until he was a couple years old. She didn't work at the time, so there were no babysitters, or daycare, or anything. Z went everywhere with her. If for some reason she had to go somewhere and Z couldn't come, then G stayed with him. Z knew only his parents for the first couple years of his life. Therefore, when P finally did relent slightly on her grip on him, and let him stay with my parents and I for a few day, the kid SCREAMED for HOURS for his mother. There was absolutely no consoling him. He got better as he got older, but seriously, I remember the first time he spent the night alone with us, and it was bad.

    Fast forward to today. P hasn't changed much. Yes, she has let both the kids stay with my parents and I a few times in the past...but not very often. It'd usually be something like 3-4 days during the summer, once a year. I don't think she allows the kids to go to any sleep-overs with their friends either (but they can host sleep-overs as long as P is around to supervise.) Lately, even the 3-4 days we'd get the kids for the summer has stopped; we haven't had them on their own for probably 2 or 3 years now.

    The kids are weird when their parents are around. Z isn't so bad, but L is really, REALLY clingy to her mom. Like, she literally clings to her mother's arm and won't let go unless she needs to go to the bathroom or something. Both of the kids are also very quiet when they're with their parents. They're better when the parents aren't around. They open up a lot more and talk and play like normal kids. When their parents are around, they act really scared, like they're going to get in trouble for putting one toe out of line. All they do is huddle around their parents, and won't interact with anyone else.

    Example of the extreme: Kids were staying with my parents and I for a few days in the summer a couple years ago. Z really likes video games, and so do I, so we get along pretty well. He's good, too. I had gotten him Super Mario Bros. Melee for Christmas that year and asked him how he liked it. He said he wasn't allowed to play it because it was rated "T" for "Teen" and he was only like 10 or 11 at the time, so his mom wouldn't let him play it. First, I was peeved about that because P never told me she didn't want Z to play the game -- he had played it at our house before, and she never had a problem, and Z loved it, which is why I got it for him. If she didn't want him to have it, she could have told me and I could have taken it back and gotten something else (or given them the receipt to do the same thing.) Anyway, I digress. I told him his mom wasn't around and I was giving him permission to play SSBM if he wanted to. He said he couldn't, that he'd get in trouble. I asked him how? He said his mom would get mad at him. I told him his mom wasn't around, and we wouldn't tell her. He said L would tell on him. Now, at this moment, L was out shopping with my mom (they went clothes shopping) and they weren't going to be back for a couple of hours. I told Z this. He STILL wouldn't play with me, he was so scared his mom was going to find out and get mad at him.

    P is getting sicker more recently, I think, too. G, P, Z and L were visiting my parents this past weekend. My parents' house has 4 bedrooms, and since none of us kids live there anymore, they essentially have 3 spare bedrooms. Plus extra space to set up air mattresses if need be. Despite this, P and G always insist that the two kids sleep in the same bedroom as them, on the floor.

    Well, the bedroom they stayed in this weekend has another bedroom right across the hall from it. So P and G reluctantly agreed to let L sleep in the second bedroom, but still wanted Z to sleep on the floor in their room. It was HOT in Wisconsin over the weekend, and they insist on sleeping with the bedroom door closed (so the kids won't get away from them in the middle of the night) so it was going to be sweltering in that room with three people and no air circulation. My mom finally convinced Z that sleeping in the third bedroom in the basement would be more comfortable. P again reluctantly agreed, asking Z numerous times, "Are you sure you'll be okay by yourself? Do you want me to sleep with you? Are you sure you don't want to just sleep with us?" Z and my mom finally convinced her that Z would be fine.

    My mom got a fan out for Z, too, but it wasn't working right, so she had to take part of it apart to get to the blades. It was one of those circular fans on a stand that has two guards, front and back, around the blades to protect them. She had to take the front guard off to get the blades spinning. And once she got it started, she didn't want to turn it off, 'cuz it might not turn back on. But she also didn't want to put the guard back on, while it was running. So she put the fan in the corner of the room and just told Z not to touch it. He's 13, he knows better anyway. He's not a dumb kid. And the fan blades were bendy plastic. Anyway, as soon as P found out about this, she forbade him from having the fan in the room. She turned it off, unplugged it, and moved it out the room, because it was too dangerous for her little baby. She also insisted that my mom find a nightlight to put on the nightstand next to Z's bed. He's 13, for pete's sake!

    Last but not least, P confided in my mom that she is never, ever going to let her kids out of her sight. As in...they're never allowed to go anywhere with their friends without her (no sleepovers, no movies, no group activities unless she's along to chaperon)...not allowed to date, period, even if she is with them...never allowed to move out of the house. Yes, that's right. She doesn't want them to move out of the house when they get older.

    I think she's psychotic. G just goes along with her and occasionally encourages her, although P is the real force behind most of this. Not wanting to let your kids move out of the house? WTF? My boyfriend said it sounds like a case for CPS. Whatever it is, I hope those kids aren't scarred for life yet, but at this rate I dunno how they won't be.
    Last edited by MaggieTheCat; 06-24-2009, 12:19 AM.

  • #2
    Well, all I can really say to that is at least now I know I'm not the most neurotic mom out there.

    I mean, geeze. Sure, I worry too, but I manage to make myself not be "that mom."

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    • #3
      My mom was a very over protective neurotic mother....to the point where I was afraid to go off on my own or w/ friends....throughout HS, college.....its a terrible feeling.

      I finally have my own feet, though it took a long time....I still an on edge that she'll just pop in my home and try to "help" me.

      Don't get me wrong, I love her, but she needed to let go.

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      • #4
        My mom was that way too, but not nearly to the extent that P is...I was at least allowed to go out with friends and go to sleep-overs and what not. And go off on my own when I got my driver's license (which I didn't get till I was 17 and didn't really start driving much till I was 18, but still.) I considered my mom over-protective but geez. P is just the extreme of the extreme.

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        • #5
          One thing I wonder, do the kids actually go to public school, or are they taught at home so mommy can keep them in her sights?

          Not that I know much about the system, but CAN one actually call child services because they're allowing their children to be socially neglected?

          Your Bro needs to step up and tell her to knock this crap off. By being so passive, he's allowing this kind of behavior, and IMO, makes him just as much guilty. They are HIS kids too, and he has a responsibiliy to help them grow up healthy, social life included.

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          • #6
            That's really messed up. I hope she realizes that she's supposed to be raising her son and daughter to be adults, not to stay children for the rest of their lives. That's the point in having kids, so they turn out as healthy, moral, and sound-minded adults.

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            • #7
              The kids do actually go to a public school. Something that was a huge debate when Z was old enough to go to school. I don't think she wanted them in the public school, but honestly, she's not smart enough to home school them. She really is pretty stupid when it comes to book-smarts. She almost didn't graduate H.S. She's just sneaky and sly when it comes to manipulating things to be her way.

              And she acts like a giant child herself, so it's really no wonder she wants to keep her kids that way. Everything to her is fun and games and she giggles after every comment she makes and she thinks she's so cute and funny. She reminds you of a 40-year-old H.S. girl. She never grew up.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by MaggieTheCat View Post
                ...
                And she acts like a giant child herself, so it's really no wonder she wants to keep her kids that way. Everything to her is fun and games and she giggles after every comment she makes and she thinks she's so cute and funny. She reminds you of a 40-year-old H.S. girl. She never grew up.
                Oh lord, that's my psuedo-sister-in-law.
                The fact that she bred with another moron makes me sad for the future.


                I want to make it perfectly clear that there is a big difference between mentally slow and moron. My best friend is slow, but she's the kindest most hard working person I've ever met.

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                • #9
                  There's a really good chance those kids are going to end up with some severe sort of social anxiety disorder because of the way your SIL is raising them. What she's doing is extremely unhealthy for them both mentally and emotionally.
                  There are no stupid questions, just stupid people...

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by tropicsgoddess View Post
                    There's a really good chance those kids are going to end up with some severe sort of social anxiety disorder because of the way your SIL is raising them. What she's doing is extremely unhealthy for them both mentally and emotionally.
                    I know...my parents have tried to talk to her and my bro about it. They're very private, though, and don't really listen to anyone. It's their little family of four and they don't like to let anyone else in, including other family. Christmas get-togethers? Always at my parents' house, or some neutral ground (restaurant or similar.) They never host. Thanksgiving is completely out of the question, they refuse to get together with the rest of the family because they have their own traditions. All other holidays are completely random whether they'll want to play nice or not, but most of the time it's not. If they invite us to watch Z's baseball game, or L's dance recital, or something similar, they never invite us over to the house. Again, it's always neutral ground (the event in question, and then dinner at a restaurant, and then good night!) They're like this with her side of the family, too, not just ours.

                    Anyway, yeah, we've tried to tell them. It's sad. I don't really know what else to do about it. It makes me upset 'cuz I used to be Z's hero (he said it himself when he was littler) and I'm just not anymore, 'cuz I never get to see the kid and when I do, he's usually pretty socially awkward.

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by tropicsgoddess View Post
                      There's a really good chance those kids are going to end up with some severe sort of social anxiety disorder because of the way your SIL is raising them. What she's doing is extremely unhealthy for them both mentally and emotionally.
                      It's either that or as soon as they can get away from her, they go crazy experiencing all the things they couldn't before. I've seen it swing that way too with many of the kids I know that were brought up ultra conservatively.

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                      • #12
                        After reading this it makes me think of bubble boy
                        JUST MY opinion

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by lovlybones View Post
                          After reading this it makes me think of bubble boy
                          I think John Travolta is screwed up in ways unrelated to his upbringing.
                          Hee... too obscure?

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