If you loved me you'd...

[Akasa]

Fastest way to piss me off and have me break up with you is to utter those words. That is emotional blackmail at its finest in a relationship. To me it proves *you* don't love me and you see me merely as a convience and an object to do your bidding. Maybe even to control.
I only fell for it iwhen I was young and hadn't had many boyfriends before as well as other issues I won't go into here.
There was a crush object that uttered those words. I turned, walked away, and refused to take his calls after that. He tried to have a friend get me to call him. I refused. Said friend tried to take his side. She saw nothing wrong with it. She is no longer a friend.
When it comes to emotional blackmail I don't fuck around.

[Lace Neil Singer]

Good for you. That phrase pushes so many teenage girls into having sex when they're not ready. To me, it's indication of firstly an immature personality and second a control freak. Using emotional blackmail to try and control someone is disgusting.

[Flyndaran]

It's not just perpetrated by guys.
It is stereotypically female to play those kind of mind games. I guess you just had incomepetant guys. Kidding.
Seiously, I'm dense enough that my girlfriend can't hint or use any kind of subtle manipulation. It just doesn't work.

[McDreidel09]

It's not only for relationships either. My mom uses it for when she wants me to get her something or get something done.

I just look at her and say "Well, I guess I don't love you."

I absolutely hate that phrase.

[lovlybones]

I understand how you can see "If you loved me you'd..." phrase as manipulation, but I have also tried to use that phrase to get my mom to stop drinking.

trying to use it as motivation, and I thought it would work...

and I can say it doesn't work either way as motivation or manipulation.

[blas87]

Emotional blackmail is used by both genders. Women are just better at playing it up with a more...guilt trip way of going about it.

For instance, this stupid camping trip/drunk fest this coming weekend about 3 hours away from where I live. No way in hell do I want to partake in that, when I could just go out with my friends where I live and not risk my car breaking down, being hours from home, and with only few people I know. My boyfriend is dying to go, I refuse to take him, and his one friend is totally on my ass to go.

A girlfriend would have said to me "But you'll disappoint everyone....everyone is DYING to meet you, and they've all got their hopes up about it! You don't want to disappoint anyone, do you?"

But his friend's approach to it? "There's going to be hundreds of girls there, all of them are going to be crawling all over your boyfriend because you won't be there. Do you really want that?"

That really makes me wanna go! Not.

Why can't people just be honest....even if you don't get what you want, just be honest. "I want to have sex with you." or "I want you to come to this party." NO guilt trips, NO threats of temptation....

[powerboy]

Like Blas said, lets just be honest with others. Instead of trying to guilt someone into doing something.

[Pedersen]

Because of trying not to guilt my wife into something, I've managed to deprive myself of something I truly enjoyed.

Ever since I was able to do so, I was at the theater within, at worst, the first week of a new Star Trek movie. Usually, opening night. I'm a huge ST fan.

She hates the theater. I want to see the movie with her more than I want to see it, but only marginally. I really wanted to see this one in the theater.

Thanks to her refusal and a thread on here named "Rick Berman", one of the biggest points in the movie has been ruined for me (warning: if you read it, and haven't seen the new movie, there's a huge spoiler in it that wasn't masked over). A moment that should have been "Holy shit!" is gone. Something that mattered to me. Something I enjoyed, and wanted to share.

She said no to something that was a long standing tradition of mine. Why do people guilt others into doing something? That's one reason why: To avoid losing something that matters to them.

And it fucking sucks when you do lose it, believe me.

[Lace Neil Singer]

Just to clarify, I never said that it was only guys who used that term. Just that I've seen that phrase used by teenage girls describing their boyf pressuring them in many magazine agony aunt columns, so much that it's commonplace.

[MadMike]

I just look at her and say "Well, I guess I don't love you."

Good one! I'll have to remember that one if someone ever tries to use that dreaded phrase on me. My ex used to use it all the time to get me to cave into whatever her ridiculous demand of the day was.

[Nyoibo]

Why can't people just be honest...

Well if it's anything like my experiences with being honest all it gets you is shit upon shit, I don't manipulate people for things I want much because I don't want much, but when I do want something you can be damn sure I'll lie or manipulate to get it, because honesty's never got me anything but bad.

[Boozy]

Pedersen, I don't understand why you didn't go see the movie by yourself or with someone other than your wife. What did I miss?

[Pedersen]

Pedersen, I don't understand why you didn't go see the movie by yourself or with someone other than your wife. What did I miss?

Simplest answer:

want to see the movie with her more than I want to see it, but only marginally.

The emphasis on with her, and the part that I failed to mention: She's a huge ST fan herself. In fact, we met because of ST. It's stupid, it's silly, I know all that. But it's something that mattered to me.

If it was a movie based around one of the Douglas Adams books, I might go, depending on how good I thought it would be. But I wouldn't really be bothered by waiting until it came out to DVD either.

My upset over the ST movie is because it's one of those things that's kind of special for us. I've had to give up something that mattered to me to try to maintain that. And just random reading of an unrelated thread wound up taking away one of those moments in a movie.

If you're a Harry Potter fan, it would be like me mentioning right now that (text is white on white, select to see it) Dumbledore died at the end of Half-Blood Prince, and doesn't come back to life by the end of Deathly Hallows. I'd have just ripped away a pretty big item from you while discussing something else that didn't need to mention it.

I avoided spoiler related threads elsewhere. True, I still learned a lot by watching the trailers. But I didn't know everything (still don't). So, since I can't unlearn it, and since I'm not planning on stopping reading forums online, I come down to having lost the movie experience, and having lost a significant emotional story point, all because of my own desire to share this with her combined with her absolute refusal to see the movie in the theater.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

See, I dont' get that either. There's things my husband likes to do that I am not into (I also hate going to theaters). I am a long term member of the SCA adn my husband doesn't get into that. We do our own thing.

The SCA is important to me and I would LOVE it if he came with me to things. Really, truly love it.

But only if it's something he's going to enjoy, too. Knowing he's there to please me but having a miserable time will only make me have a miserable time, too. I love him, and don't want him to just endure something he doesn't like for the sole purpose of pleasing me. Because that doen'st please me if he's not having fun, too.

It's important to you because it's something you want to enjoy with her. But it won't be a mutual enjoyment thing even if she does go. You cannot artificially create the situation you want here.

As for emotional blackmail, yeah. I'm with you all. Utter that phrase to me and it will be the last thing you ever utter to me, because nothing I hate more than trying someone trying to use my good feelings and affections to take advantage. Several emotionally immature men learned this to their vast suprise and unhappiness back in the day.

[Pedersen]

It's important to you because it's something you want to enjoy with her. But it won't be a mutual enjoyment thing even if she does go. You cannot artificially create the situation you want here.

You're right. You'll also notice that my original reply said that I haven't tried the emotional blackmail. Instead, I've given it up.

People asked "Why would someone try this?" I was answering, using me as an example. Something that, for whatever stupid reason, genuinely matters to one of the people in the couple, and matters even more that it's a mutual enjoyment thing for both of them.

I can understand why it would be tried in those conditions. I just wanted to help others understand.