I think this is so rude

[AdminAssistant]

So, I'm stage managing a musical right now. As in, I run it. I get there before everyone else, unlock everything, turn on all the lights, make sure everybody gets there in time, supervise the crew, troubleshoot problems, make sure all the pre-show stuff gets done in time. Then, during the show, I call all the light cues and give the sound guy warnings for when a character is about to walk on stage. To give an idea, the first act is one hour. There are 105 light cues in that act alone. It's intense work. I have worked my ass off for this show...and when you work on a show, you start to feel like family with your cast and crew. Or so you think.

Tonight, I'm walking around making sure things are locked up, and I hear actors say, "IHOP? Let's go to IHOP!" I'm walking all around them, even talking to them. As they're leaving, I tell them all good night, and they reply. And continue with their after-show plans. Did they fucking invite me? No.

I just feel that's so rude, to be making plans to do something around someone, and leave them out. I would never do that. And I didn't bring it up, because I have this...thing...about being unwanted. I just can't do it; it feels awkward. I mean, I know it's a little different because I am a little older than they are...I'm a TA, and they're undergrads..but hell's bells people!

Am I being too sensitive?

[guywithashovel]

I don't think you are.

I've had things like this happen to me before. When I was a teenager, the kids in my church youth group would make plans to do things with each other and leave me out of it all. It can definitely make a person feel awkward.

[MaggieTheCat]

Hmm, I know how you feel. I don't think you're over-reacting. I've been in similar situations MANY times back at my old job. I worked in a fairly small office (there were usually 1-2 other people in the office with me at any given time) within a call center. When I'd go out for lunch, I'd always offer to get something for the others in my office. Did they ever offer to get anything for me? No. If I actively asked, "Hey, are you going out for lunch, could you pick up something for me?" They'd usually agree. But they never said, "Hey, I'm going to Subway for lunch, do you want anything?" which I did EVERY TIME I went out. They often took me up on it.

Occasionally we'd also do group lunches where (again, usually I) would run out and get something for everyone in the office, or we'd get delivery from a pizza place or something. When we did this, I always invited the other supervisors and managers in the call center, since, hey, especially if we're doing delivery, might as well get the most out of it, right? Again, I was the only one who would ask anyone outside of our office. And when I said I was going to, I'd usually get a line something like, "Well, I GUESS you could if you really wanted to..." like it was some big imposition.

One time one of the managers even said something like, "Did you invite the other managers? You don't need to include the supervisors, but make sure you ask the managers if they want anything before you leave." Seriously.

People in general tend to tick me off. It goes back to something I was trying to say in my "Friends" thread, about how people will take your help and be friendly with you when they wanna be, but they never return anything.

[DesignFox]

I agree. That is pretty rude. And I'm like you, Admin, I like to feel "wanted." I don't invite myself places. I just feel wrong about that.

After a show, you do start to feel like family, so I'd be upset if I was left out, too. When I was in school, we always invited EVERYONE involved in the show when we went out- even as high schoolers we invited the teachers if they wanted to come to the diner with us (granted, due to age difference etc. they declined, but at least they were invited!)

[Slytovhand]

Ditto. Rude...

Ditto. Used to do that myself...

CBF now.

[I8DaCookie]

I also do theatre and it may not be them being rude but just the rift often found between actors and techies.

When I was getting my BA and working in our theatre, I was the only one who actively moved between being an actor and a techie (I also stage managed). When I first started, actors hated techies and techies couldn't stand actors. They separated themselves. They also did not attend cast parties together nor did anything after rehersal/show together. It wasn't until a few people who kept the rift going graduated and I started stage managing that we all began to go out together for drinks. Hell, I was the first techie (ASM) to even join a group of actors for a drink after a show. I'm not sure how much of an impact I had made personally, only that someone had refered to me as the "sweetheart" of the theatre department and one of my close techie friends said I was the only actor he liked because I was willing to do tech. It also helped that the theatre majors were willing to take classes that were of not their concentration.

I always keep one thing in mind that my professor said to my stage management class: In our theatre, it is accepted that stage managers interact on a personal level with the everyone because we're all taking classes together and of the same age. But in the professional world, a stage manager must maintain a wall between themselves and the rest of the cast & crew. This is because of the stage manager must be seen as the professional one and keep a certain level of respect to run the show properly.

I'm not sure what the dynamic of your theatre is like, but this is what it was like for us.

On another side note ( I know this is getting long), I was always the type of person that believed I had to be "invited" along and that I should never ask if I could join in, mostly out of fear that I was intruding. I missed out on a lot of things doing that. I had to be the one to speak up and ask if I could join them. I found out that the reason I was often not asked to join is because the people making the plans didn't think it was something I would enjoy doing.

[AdminAssistant]

I don't know...I know some Equity SM's and they get pretty friendly with the cast. You just have to stamp down that when you're IN the theatre, then what you say goes. I was pretty easygoing with my cast, because they're all juniors, seniors, or just graduated. They've all done shows before, they know the ropes.

Just got out of strike, that was pure and utter hell. I swear, actors can be so whiny sometimes. "Waaah! Pulling out all of these staples is hard! Waahh!" Lawd! And the standing around talking when stuff needed to get done. Oh, and my ASM showed up in heels. Sandals. For strike. What the fuck, man?

I was an actor (BFA-Performance, 05), but I did all kinds of tech stuff. But that was the attitude at my undergrad program. We were a small program, so for every show, if you weren't in it, you either ran crew or ushered. Actors pretty much had to do tech work, take classes in costume construction, scenic construction, makeup, etc., and had to work in either the costume or scene shop a number of hours each week. On the flip side, techies had to take acting and voice classes and were encouraged to audition.

[Greenday]

I wouldn't be surprised if it was the student-TA thing. While I don't agree with discussing plans like that around people you don't plan on inviting, I can understand not inviting authority figures. You may feel like you cannot be yourself and not let loose. I know in my department, it's not unusual to hang out with our teachers after hours. But that's just my department at my school. None of my friends could ever imagine hanging with their teachers outside of class.

[DesignFox]

The profs in my art department used to hang out with the students, too. It was fun! We even partied together on occasion...

Anywho, I think any theater program there is usually some kind of tension between cast and crew. I know every theater group I worked with did. But that didn't stop us all from hanging out together. We had our rivalries, sure. But it was never so bad that we wouldn't party together! What kind of crap is that?!

I mean there were the truly obnoxious, both on cast and crew, but most of us got along or just tortured each other with some silly pranks. We had a blast with cast and crew jokes.

The only time our one drama president was truly a dick, was the time they had t-shirts made and didn't include the tech crew's names on the back with the actors.

So, we made our own t-shirts with a tech slogan- which became a tradition that stuck.

Oh, and the drama president had a scene in the play where he got water dumped on his head...it was winter...we stuck the water in the snow and made sure it was eeeeeextra cold for his scene!

[AdminAssistant]

I will say that they invited me to the final cast party, but I bailed. Not because of what I posted about earlier, but because it was late (12:30), I was hot and icky, it was pouring down rain, and I was exhausted. I just wanted to go to bed, not get cleaned up and go drink for a few hours.

[powerboy]

It is rude. I hate not being invited somewhere. It makes me feel as if I am not wanted. I know that I am, but still.

[Boozy]

Many times if you're not invited somewhere, it is because you are not wanted there. But it doesn't always mean that there's something wrong with you.

In AdminAssistant's case, I'm betting it was an oversight. Other possibilities include the cast believing that she isn't interested in joining them due to her (presumably) greater maturity, or feeling uncomfortable due to her TA status (position of authority). In any case, we know it's not a matter of her being unlikeable. We all like her a great deal around here, after all. Not being invited in this case is probably a matter of thoughtlessness rather than a focussed attempt to exclude her.

[AdminAssistant]

In any case, we know it's not a matter of her being unlikeable. We all like her a great deal around here, after all.

Daaaaawwwww....You're gonna make me blush!!

[blas87]

I must agree with Boozy.

It probably has nothing to do with you as a person. And if you lived closer to me, I'd invite you everywhere I went on the weekends

I'm pretty used to being left out these days. My friends think that just because I don't go out so much anymore, that I don't need to be included on anyone's birthdays or going away parties.....and they act all surprised when they see pictures of me going out with my *true* friends who actually do still invite me out and know that I will go out when I have extra cash or my bf is out of town.