You're not all that / she's too hot for you.

[HEMI6point1]

I could post this in the off-topic section of CS, but I figure it's better for here.

By now a lot of you might know about a free dating site called Plenty of Fish.

On the Plenty of Fish site when you send someone a message you can then check a "sent msgs" section that shows whether someone read your email to them. While helpful in concept this becomes really stressful when you're sending emails to women you're attracted to when you look and it says "read" but no response or worse, "read deleted."

I get a lot of those, sadly. I was told once and I completely agree with a statement I heard: "It's like a job application, you keep emailing until you find one that is a hit."

Now for the part that really irritates me. A couple of people seem to think that I shouldn't be emailing these women at all. As a matter of fact, one said even offline if I saw these women at a bar/lounge/market, don't bother as I'll get blown off.

The reason? "You're not all that" was the answer every time. To which I said, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, what another girl thinks is meh another may think is cute." Plus, I am always with another wise set of words: "No girl is too beautiful for you."

Which of course was met with the typical "only people who can't get dates mutter those two statements" which is complete bullshit.

Now before you ask, the women I emailed were NOT Lucy Pinder or Marissa Miller lookalikes. They were average girls.

To these people, I should only be emailing or approaching BBW's because "with your looks that's the only women you'll get." Not to take anything away from BBW's but I just don't go for that body type, sorry!

My take on this, it's not healthy (for yourself or the other person) to force yourself to go out with someone you're at best not attracted to or at worst flat out repulsed by simply to tell people "Hey look guys I have a girlfriend!"

Now I know I'm not Brad Pitt but I'm not dog meat either. I don't have washboard abs, long wavy hair or a 100K luxury sedan but how many other people actually do either?

OK, now here are some links.

First is my profile (includes new pics shot last week or so): http://www.plentyoffish.com/member14155612.htm I tried to weed out as much fluff and negativity as possible and get right to the "meat" of it.

Here are the last 4 girls that I emailed, only the 1st one might universally be considered "hot:"

http://www.plentyoffish.com/member11652884.htm - It's easy to see why I emailed her.
http://www.plentyoffish.com/member13596990.htm - I love a chick that works on cars! Sadly, it wasn't to be.
http://www.plentyoffish.com/member10427239.htm - she probably saw my primary mode of transport and thought "too poor."
http://www.plentyoffish.com/member8644768.htm - OK I thought this girl was ridiculously pretty, not sure about anybody else. She actually didn't delete my email (fingers crossed!).

And no I didn't send "hey baby U sexy" emails, they were well thought out emails geared towards each person.

That's why they say online dating only works 15% of the time.

[AdminAssistant]

What? So, BBW's (Big Beautiful Women) should only be a last resort? Your friends need a serious slap up the head. Fat =/= desperate

I'm on OkCupid, and having some success. I hated plentyoffish, the only guys in my area on there looked like creepy pervs.

Fact is, online dating takes time. A lot of time. I didn't check your profile (and you may want to check that site's rules about linking other's profiles), admittedly. But you just have to be patient with it. There's lots of guys that had awesome profiles that never responded to me. Guess that's what I get for being a "BBW".

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Okay. A couple of things, if you don't mind my opinion.

You are hardly giving someone the benefit of the doubt if you think that they will reject you solely because you "aren't hot enough" or "too poor."

You aren't a bad looking guy, but to suggest that a good looking girl is only after a model or a rich guy is not cool. Some are, yes. They think their looks gives them some entitlement or something. You don't want those girls.

I was a "hot" girl when I was younger. I dated guys based on if I liked them or not. If they were funny, or kind, or treated me like a gentleman. Yeah, I dated some pigs, but once I figured out they were pigs, I quite dating them. I went out with all manner of guys, good looking to out-and-out homely. Don't automatically assume a girl is solely seeking a male model or material gain.

And about that: You're posing with a car in, what, three or more pics? (I can't go back and check, the site won't let me look more than a couple times. ) You're sending a clear message here, and not a great one: the message is "aren't you impressed with my car?" The fact that you are also posing in front of an entertainment center of some sort (I dunno if that's deliberate, but the composition of the pic would suggest that it is, even if you didn't mean it that way) suggests that you are expecting a girl to be impressed with your expensive toys.

Again, maybe some women are, but a lot aren't. A lot just roll their eyes at that. They figure you don't have much personality if your personality is that you have a nice car. They might think you're too obsessed with your car.

Also, I think you should mix up your wardrobe a bit. You're wearing a collarless t-shirt in every single pic, and a billed cap in most of them. Not a way to dress to impress. Those are boy's clothes. Wear that in some of the pics, but put some more adult clothing on in some others. A woman does not want to think that you dress like that all the time, but your pics suggest that you do. Those are the pics you are trying to make a first impression with. You wouldn't wear that stuff to a job interview. It's kind of the same sort of thing here.

Not trying to bust on you here. But I think your pics are doing you a disservice. Get a friend to go on a picture taking excursion around town, with a couple changes of clothes. Look like you're having fun. I bet that will help some.

[powerboy]

I am also on Plentyoffish.com. I am having luck there. Everyone that I am sending emails too are responding back and trying to get to know me. I was on okcupid.com and that site just plain sucks. I was getting no response at all.


I also had a couple of friends like yours. Oh, you are out of her league shit. Screw them, what do they know. If they were friends, then they would be supporting you in trying to go and talk to that hot lady over there.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Really.

The hot lady might be kind of lonely because nobody decent has got the balls to go talk to her, thinking she's "out of their league."

Confidence is very attractive. Remember that.

[Flyndaran]

...Oh, you are out of her league shit. Screw them, what do they know. If they were friends, then they would be supporting you in trying to go and talk to that hot lady over there.

Was it me or did those women look like party girls rather than those looking for a relationship?

Leagues exist for a reason. Most people like to date those of equal appearance. It's not wrong or weird.

[Boozy]

Was it me or did those women look like party girls rather than those looking for a relationship?

The second one was especially.....classy. Her tongue is sticking out in every picture to show off her piercing.

Someone like that is likely getting dozens of e-mails a day from guys looking for a cheap date. Your e-mail may not have stood out in that case.

Are you looking for a relationship or just a good time? Because expectations and lifestyle may be a factor in why you're not getting the responses you're looking for.

[AdminAssistant]

I am also on Plentyoffish.com. I am having luck there. Everyone that I am sending emails too are responding back and trying to get to know me. I was on okcupid.com and that site just plain sucks. I was getting no response at all.

Probably depends a lot on the area and the age range you're looking for. Seriously, in my area, there were very few guys younger than 35 on plentyoffish. And the few messages I was getting were from creepy old men. EW.

ETA: RK, is right, if I saw a profile where a guy was always posing with his car (or horse or dog or whatever), a small red flag would go up. It says, "this is allllll that my life revolves around".

[Depot Denizen]

I liked the first and fourth girls.

It just takes time, really. Find someone whose personality you like and see if they have similar interests. Chemistry and personality are more important than looks. I got lucky and my girl has all three. For a while I was just about looks and kept getting shot down. After I had stopped looking I happened to meet my girlfriend at an orientation meeting and messaged her through Facebook and went from there.

But really, ignore the looks and go for the one you like the most. Find the girl that you think you click with and give it a shot. Maybe there's one strong thing that you find a connection with, some common interest, especially an uncommon or even rare thing. My girlfriend likes motorcycles, zombie movies and punk rock, for instance.

Don't let yourself get down because someone tells you that "you're not all that" or "she's too hot for you". The real catches are the girls (really, the women) that don't focus on that. I've met some really nice girls that are pretty, are extremely smart and have deep personalities. They do exist. If you like her, go for it and give it a shot. No one should tell you otherwise.

[Giggle Goose]

Yeah, I'm with RK. I'm sure you're great in person, but your pics look a bit like "I'm trying to be macho." Again, that's probably not the case, but that's all girls have to go off of. Just a pic and a few words.

As for the "you're not all that," it's highly likely that maybe these girls aren't, either! I've heard horror stories of potential dates that look a LOT different than their pics.

Personally, I've always struck out on online dating. The hard truth is that most (not all) of the people are shallow or looking for a piece of @$$. My two real relationships, including the one I'm in now, were always from IRL. I realize how fortunate I am, believe me!

[blas87]

You're going to have to grow a thicker skin if it hurts your feelings that girls are reading and deleting your messages.

It can happen outside of the Internet as well.

I will fully admit, when I was doing the online dating site thing, I deleted a lot of messages without replying...actually, almost all of them. I wasn't going to waste some poor guy's time....some guys are actually desperate enough to take a "thanks but no thanks" and turn it around and beg and plead or even take it as a "thank you let's meet!"

And for the online dating sites that have forums, I have read so many "woe is me" threads about "I send so many messages and no one has the decency to even thank me, even if they aren't interested".....why waste time?

I got a message from a guy too old for me, delete. An ugly guy, delete. A fat guy, delete. A guy with a kid/kids, delete. Same thing I'd do outside of the internet.

Of course, that makes me a picky, stuck up bitch for not wanting to waste anyone's time, but I don't really care if that's what people want to think.

If I could go back in time, there's a laundry list of guys that I'd rather they "read and deleted" me before they had a chance to leave a foul taste in my mouth.

[HEMI6point1]

I don't get the issue with the car pics. If it was a Camaro or something I could see the "trying to be macho" thing but it's a Sable. Not exactly what I was trying to do in the pics.

[Pedersen]

I got a message from a guy too old for me, delete. An ugly guy, delete. A fat guy, delete. A guy with a kid/kids, delete. Same thing I'd do outside of the internet.

But at least you're okay with being judged by your own appearance, and therefore it's okay for you to do the same to the old guy and the fat guy.

Note: The link above was just the first I could remember. I've seen others with similar rants from you.

[AdminAssistant]

I got a message from a guy too old for me, delete. An ugly guy, delete. A fat guy, delete. A guy with a kid/kids, delete. Same thing I'd do outside of the internet.

Mm-hmmm. Even though as a "BBW" (*bleh*) my choices should obviously be limited , but I have some standards. Not really any across the board but kids are a definite pass. A creepy looking old guy, no thank you. The guy with the webcam pic that showcases his bear-like hair all over his shoulders, EWWWWWW. Anyone who feels the need to list their many, many WOW and D&D characters, nope. Ditto anyone who openly admits living with their parents.

If someone messages me, and I don't want to talk to them, I often don't reply because I just don't know what to say. "Sorry, I'm allergic to ugly"? "Get a back wax"?

[SorryIsGoodEnough]

I have a POF profile, but it's hidden, because I have a boyfriend. I used it to make some friends and yes, it worked. I know I just got hits because I'm not ridiculously ugly, but I made like 5 local friends off of there and that's all I wanted. Plus, I like the forums there. Entertaining to lurk.

To the OP, I can see you've been on the forums there, have you posted in the section for people to review your profile and help you tailor it to get more replies?

I think your profile comes across as a little...well, you don't have to say 'I ONLY WANT GIRLS WITH A SMALL TO MEDIUM BUILD KTHX'

Just don't reply to pictures you're not attracted to. Leaving that part out might make you seem more approachable. And there were other things I noticed about the way you worded your profile that made me 'Uh huh, right.' and want to click away.