People who don't know when to leave

[DrFaroohk]

I'm not very good at confronting people. I think its due to my extremely low charisma, so for instance if I were to say "Hey guys, look, I'm tired, I want to relax and have some alone time, so could you please leave" it sounds more like "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU FUCKING COCKSUCKERS OR I'LL KILL YOU AND MURDER YOUR FAMILIES AND RAPE THEIR DEAD BODIES!" Everything comes out wrong.

So I try to communicate with very strong hints. Such as "Boy, am I tired."

<ahem> "I SAID BOY AM I TIRED!"

<nothing> Friends still hang out. They obviously don't notice my excessive yawning, my moping as if I don't feel well, and my proclamations that I am very tired. They still just hang out.

So then I move it up a bit. I get all distant and distracted, and when they ask me whats up I will flat out say "Hey guys, look I'm sorry, I've just had a long day and I'm not feeling very social right now."

Still nothing. They just shrug and keep going about their business.

<ahem> "I SAID I'M NOT FEELING VERY SOCIABLE RIGHT NOW!"

They look, shrug, tell me its ok, and keep going about their business.

What do I have to fucking do? I shouldn't HAVE to say "GET OUT." People should be more alert to very obvious signals. What the fuck. I don't want to have to piss off and alienate my friends, but right now I happen to want some alone time. Is it too goddamn much to ask!?

[the_std]

"Hey guys, look, I'm tired, I want to relax and have some alone time, so could you please leave"

Why can't you just say this? Hell, practice it in front of the mirror if you have to. You will save yourself the aggravation of all of your "hints" which obviously don't work, so you shouldn't be trying them anyways. Being straight-forward is definitely the best way to go in this situation. Why blame your friends for your inability to say what you mean?

[DrFaroohk]

It's not just them, it's pretty much everyone I know that I can't talk to properly. It's not even my choice of words, its just how I say them. I have a kind of high pitched nasally voice, and I have a tendency to sound like I'm talking down to someone even when I'm not. Inflections and tones and whatnot. There's not been a whole helluva lot I can about it.

And me being stubborn, I still feel like my hints are a perfectly acceptable way of getting the message across. It's not my fault they are too dense to pick up on it. I pick up on most everyone's hints, even the ones that aren't deliberate. And I'm not all that observant either.

What really really sucks is I ran out of my medication so I've been on a downward spiral for a few weeks. Damn health insurance. Can't afford a doctor to get a scrip

[the_std]

While your friends are being rude by overstaying their welcome, this situation is completely within your control. You can tell them to leave. You choose not to. And if there's nothing you can do about your tone and inflection, and if they're your friends, they ought to know that you're not trying to talk down to them, and therefore you should be fine to tell them to get out, in polite terms.

By choosing not to ask them to leave, it is no longer their fault. It is your fault. If they are, like you said, too dense to pick up on your hints, they're not enough. You can take it to the next level and say, "Kay guys, I've got some stuff to do. Please leave, and we'll talk later!". If they're your friends, they'll get it.

[BroomJockey]

And me being stubborn, I still feel like my hints are a perfectly acceptable way of getting the message across. It's not my fault they are too dense to pick up on it.

So, you're stubborn, but they're dense. One could flip that, and say you're dense and they're stubborn, too. It's simply a matter of perspective. For all you know, they think you're being passive aggressive in asking them to leave how you do, and they want you to man up and ask them to get out. I'm going to apply one of the universal guy rules here. "Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Obvious hints don't work. If you want something, come out and say it."

[DrFaroohk]

I know, I know. I just don't feel like I should have to. It's my house, it's my personal time, if they get it (and they should get it!) they should respect it. And before someone says "Well we don't live in Shouldland, Francine!" well if we went by that standard then you still wouldn't be allowed to ride the bus if your skin was too dark.

[MaggieTheCat]

You can take it to the next level and say, "Kay guys, I've got some stuff to do. Please leave, and we'll talk later!". If they're your friends, they'll get it.

I was going to suggest this too. Make up some excuse if you have to. "Well guys, I have to get up early tomorrow for an interview, so I really need to get some sleep." "Hey guys, I have guests coming over tomorrow so I really need to do the dishes and vacuum and clean up around here." You could even add in something like, "Well, I hate to cut our visit short tonight 'cuz I'm having fun, but I really have stuff to do so I need to get going/(insert excuse here.)"

[Slytovhand]

Maggie, I'd see those examples as just more of the same - hints.

I obviously don't know how your relationships are with your friends, DrF, but in some of the world I live in, "I'm really tired and need sleep" would be met with "Cool, so go to bed, we'll let ourselves out later, and we'll try and be quiet". But then, it's also likely to get ppl just head off...

How's "Ok, I need sleep now cos I'm stuffed.. home time!", or "You guys need to fuck off now, before I kill you all"... said in such a way that they take it as humour (but serious), so as to not take offense...

But, as I said, it all depends on your relationships with them...

[guywithashovel]

In the past, I have had trouble with this kind of stuff, too. I've never had to deal with friends/family who come over and wear out their welcome. However, back when I still lived with my mom and dad, I would have to deal with them (usually Mom) not wanting to leave me along when I came home from work.

Back then, when I came home from work or school, my mom would inevitably want to follow me into my room and start chewing my ear off about what she had done that day, who she had seen at the grocery store, or something else that was going on in the family. Now, I'm a very introverted person, and at the time, I was working a retail job---a job that required me to be very extroverted. When I came home, I wanted to hibernate in my room for a while and have some quiet time. However, my mother never seemed to want to let that happen---even though she often told me that she knew that I wanted to spend time alone after coming home from work. However, that never stopped her from following me into my room when I came home and giving me a 30-60 minute talk about all the minute details of her life while I stood there, struggling to keep my eyes open, often with my head slouched against the wall.

I know, I should have just said, "Mom, I just want to relax and have some alone time for right now." However, that would have led to two things.

1. It would have prompted her to ask questions like "Was someone rude to you tonight?" "Did you have trouble with one of the managers?" "Did you get in trouble for something?" "You do know that this stuff happens at EVERY job, don't you?"

2. I would have felt like an asshole.

[DrFaroohk]

lol....a friend of mine has that problem. He's still finishing off college and he stays at home during the summers and his mom pesters him a lot. "You want something to eat?" "No thanks I'm good." "We have meatloaf." "No thanks, I'm not really hungry." "awww...is something wrong? You wanna talk about it?" "No no, I'm just not hungry." "We have meatloaf though! With ketchup! And potatoes!"

[Slytovhand]

One day, many years ago, my gf and I decided to go away for the weekend (her birthday, and I was going to propose). So, we left work (we worked together) about 4pm, and I drove us the hour to get to the retreat we were staying in. To get there, up in the mountains (well, ok, hills... hinterland???) was a narrow-ish road, that zigzagged a fair bit.. having to drop to 40k's a fair bit (that's.. what? 25mph??)... all the time, her giving me grief about my driving (I drive my way, she drives hers... I've never had a serious accident.. she can't say the same).

So, we get to where we're going, and she immediately goes to the spa and wants me to join her.

I'm stuffed, and need a time-out.. just some chill time in bed.. nanna-nap comes to mind (but no need to actually sleep - just relax).

This became ...'problematic'... as she took it personally.

See - these things can build up, and people can take it personally - an affront to themselves... when quite obviously, it's not. So, you guys really need to take a bit of time out with them, and tell them straight out that when XYZ occurs, you really just need your space at that time. GWAS, that means telling mum "Hey, when I come home, I just need some serious relaxation time - alone! I've been dealing with crap all day, and I really can't focus on you. So, I'd advise leaving it til a bit later in the night, or you run the risk (certainty) of me completely ignoring what you're telling me. kthnxbai!"


(FTR, after I had my chill, I went downstairs to the spa... and it was all better! well... that time was... I'm still single and free - what does that say about the weekend away??)