My current state of mind

[MystyGlyttyr]

Didn't wanna detract from the autism thread already here, but...

I am just...not coping well lately, I think.

When I first found out what Asperger's was and was told "Yeah, you're textbook," for a while, it was a RELIEF. It was "Oh thank GOD, there's some kind of explanation, I'm not just a complete and utter freak." I branched out and found a support group and start going and meeting other people who were like me and I've genuinely enjoyed it, and learned to play up the pluses and down the minuses.

I think the honeymoon is over though. I mean, it's sunk in "Oh, I'm not just a freak, I'm DIFFERENT." It was one thing to be the weird kid. Now I'm still the weird kid who's nearly 30.

I mean, imagine being a teenager your entire life. That's basically what I'm told to expect. The mental and emotional stability of a 15-year-old forever. I mean, I was always behind, I was still playing Ninja Turtles and wanting to roughhouse on the playground while the other kids were moving on to dating and whatever else. But I was still progressing, more or less, until now, and I just...stopped. I'm in this awkward place where maybe I'd like to date, but the thought of it terrifies me still.

My mother has flat told me she doesn't think I'd be able to handle living alone yet. I want to move out, I want to get out into the world and explore and do my own thing but I'm afraid to. There's a jillion things out there I don't know how to do. My folks were baffled when I asked them if I needed to dress up fancy to open my first checking account, because from what I saw on TV, people in banks were always dressed up in suits and stuff. Every time I go do some new "adult" thing, I panic beforehand. My dad took me to look at cars a while back and I freaked out so bad that we had to go home and I couldn't bring myself to go back.

At the same time, I know I'm getting older. I just turned 27. Especially in line of work I want, wrestling, I'm getting on in the years. Most people still look at me and see a teen but I know that can't last. Eventually I'm going to be aging visibly and I'll be a freak old person with a complete lack of capacity. People will be posting stories about me on places like CS.com talking about "OMG the weird old woman who was in here today." I'm not trying to guilt anyone who posts about the weird old people on CS.com, I'd post it too. But I'm going to BE that weird old woman.

I've just been depressed for a while now and not knowing exactly how to put it. I don't know who to talk to. The lady in charge of my group moved away and I don't really think any of the others are people I can talk to. I talk to my friend Catherine sometimes but I can't dump everything on her constantly, nor do I want to. I don't think my parents or siblings would understand, they'd probably just be annoyed by the melodrama. Hell, it annoys me. I feel like I'm whining. "Oh wah my life is gonna suck." They have serious problems like bad health and advancing age and stuff that's an actual concern for us all right now. I don't think I can whine about how I hate how my head works to someone who's anemic or who's heart is failing or what have you. It's stupid and it's immature and yet it's driving me to crazy.

I know I should find a counselor or something, I know, I know. That's always the answer, well, you gotta talk to a counselor. I don't know any counselor, and I don't want my family to know I'm talking to a counselor. I don't want to bother them about this, and finding out I'm sneaking off to therapy without trying to keep them involved would be a bother.

I just feel like a damn pest, all the time. Like all I do is get in the way and be a load and a waste of effort. I don't do enough to help, I'm too damn mean and weird and a loner and I make people uncomfortable.

I'm not depressed, not in some clinical sense. I'm just...down, you know? I just wanna be like, you know, better. Whatever meaning you can come up with for that.

[Cat]

So, wait....what's odd about you again? 'Cuz everything you wrote sounds familar to me. I was always behind my friends (still am) and adult things freaked me out (still so) and I'm 31!! I had slight panic attacks when to came to dealing with simple car issues and doc's apptments.

You're no freak, no more than anyone else out there in this world. But I do understand the need to vent....

*hugs and tea and chocolate*

[violetyoshi]

You sound just like me! I even turned 27 this year! You don't have the emotional stability of a teenager, just because you have an interest in what adults might consider childish things. If anything, most of the people I run into who are adults, act like wild 15 year olds.

As far as being a weird old woman, have you seen the cartoon Hey Arnold? Arnold's grandmother would always be doing something wacky, like dressing as different characters and stuff. I thought after watching the show, that you know, when your that old you might as well act crazy, cause you can get away with it. What are people going to do about it?

I would highly suggest you visit the online community Aspies for Freedom:

www.aspiesforfreedom.com

You can discuss your feelings with other people who have Asperger's Syndrome, and there what your experiencing is rather normal for everyone there. My screename there is violet_yoshi. I also have Asperger's Syndrome.

The problem is generally society has become intolerant of any difference. You have to learn to understand that it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, there's a lack of empathy in general from people towards others who are unique.

People also tend to have a odd concept of what is immature. For example, someone who is into cartoons, but shows great strength and understanding towards people who are different, is more mature than someone who watches "adult" shows, but is also intolerant of anyone who doesn't fit their view of how things should be. It's like Spongebob and Squidward, Squidward acts like an adult, but he's also a grumpy curmudgeon while Spongebob is perfectly happy, even if he is perceiving the world in a way others might find childish.

I also think it's really cool your trying to become a wrestler. I've been a tomboy most of my life, and I think it's great whenever women break into the boys club so to speak. I'm really supportive of Nintendo, because they're the only gaming company at least in America, that has embraced female gamers who have been stigmatized in the past as having no skills.

I think based on how Autism Spectrum Disorders affect more men than women, maybe a lot of the girls who are on the Autism Spectrum have more of a male brain. So there's more of a tendency to have tomboyish interests, and as far as maturing, perhaps we're just not maturing in the sense that women are expected to mature. Especially in regards to what I consider social nonsense, but we'd probably be considered mature if we were compared to where guys are on their maturity level at our age.

I hope I've been of help. It's really troubling for me to hear that your having such a hard time accepting yourself and having Asperger's Syndrome. I hope things get better for you.