Women who are afraid to age

[Cassandra]

Why is it that whenever you are in a drug store, looking through a magazine, or watching television, you are bombarded with anti-wrinkle/anti-aging tools? Really? Isn't aging a part of life? I just don't understand why there are so many women out there that feel that they HAVE to look younger than they really are. Why can't they just accept their true age and let it shine through?

I was in the office of an ear, nose, and throat doctor and on the wall were some before and after shots of women in their 60's-70's and under the pictures was "Ask us how we can help you look younger with Botox and other cosmetic injections". I'm not even 30 yet and I've got some fine lines around my mouth (I smile A LOT) and very slight crow's feet. I don't care. Simply because this is me. My mother and grandmother have never used products that claim to make them look younger and everyone thinks my mother is my sister and my grandmother is my mother.

The only products I use are cleansing and moisturizing because I have dry skin. I don't wear make-up. And I have been asked on numerous occasions if I did modeling.

It just bugs the hell out of me that our society has become so obsessed with "beauty" that we have forgotten to accept that aging is just another part of life and there is no stopping it.

[Fashion Lad!]

I don't know why women are afraid of aging. I know why I'm afraid of aging. I don't think I look that great with wrinkles. I hate wrinkles! Slight wrinkles are fine... huge wrinkles, no way! People generally don't like seeing a lot of wrinkles. The lines on the forehead look barbaric. (Just being honest about how I see them.)

What I really don't agree with is all these companies playing off of womens' insecurities. Most products don't work, but they'll still charge you an arm and a leg for them. That's what sickens me. A lot of them appear to be glorified moisturizers.

Now there are some aspects of aging that are good (for men, at least). Gray hair! I thought it was horrible, my hair is black and I have gray hair at my temples. My girlfriend thinks it's very sexy. She has no gray hairs (I don't want her to have gray hair. I don't think it's sexy on a woman.) She's also older than me and I have gray hair.

[MaggieTheCat]

I couldn't agree more. I don't wear makeup and I would never have botox or anything else like it done. I like who I am for who I am, and so does my husband -- he hates makeup and would never want me to have any cosmetic surgery or anything like it. The only procedure I have had done that was considered "cosmetic" was a laser hair removal procedure to get rid of unwanted facial hair, that I had due to hormonal inbalances.

Still, I understand why women wear makeup. My skin is very very clear; I don't need makeup, even if I didn't mind wearing it. Not all women can boast this and if someone has bad acne or some other issue with her skin, she may want to cover it up. In fact, there was a woman at the call center I used to work at who I wished would wear makeup...she had this horrible, huge, hairy mole on her neck. It was absolutely disgusting and she didn't do anything to cover it up.

[the_std]

In fact, there was a woman at the call center I used to work at who I wished would wear makeup...she had this horrible, huge, hairy mole on her neck. It was absolutely disgusting and she didn't do anything to cover it up.

Uhm, really? She's comfortable with something that is a part of her appearance, something she's most likely been ridiculed about her whole life, and you're gonna find fault with that? How come it's okay for you to not want to wear make-up, but for you to desire it for someone else?

That smacks of double standards to me.

[BroomJockey]

Why does anyone fear ageing? Because the older you get, the closer you are to Death. And that's terrifying for a lot of people. Further, before you can even get to Death, you get to go through the whole process of your body breaking down. Reaction times slow, organs operate less efficiently, bone density decreases, etc etc. People are scared shitless about not only the great chasm, but the living hell you may go through on your way there. If you can convince yourself that "you're not really that old yet," then you can put off the fear of death.

[DesignFox]

<snip> (I don't want her to have gray hair. I don't think it's sexy on a woman.) <snip>

So, you're going to make your GF dye her hair when she gets older? 'Cause it's probably inevitable that she will get gray hairs at some point.

This is why women are so insecure about any aspect of aging. "It's not sexy on a woman."

For us, it's a nightmare waiting to come true. We want to be found beautiful and desirable. All of advertising, movies, etc. tell us that wrinkles and gray hair (the two big signs of aging) are not sexy. Hence, we fight tooth and nail to cover it up and look young.

I'm lucky in that I don't need to wear make-up, and so far anyway, my hair is holding it's own (I'm still pretty young, though, not yet 30). I also feel lucky to be dating someone who doesn't have a problem with any of my flaws, and frankly prefers the look of "real" women over the over-hyped paintings we see in magazines.

I really hate the double-standard that gray hair/wrinkles on a man add character, but somehow detract from the attractiveness of a woman. I mean, I guess I understand the base animal instinct when it comes down to it (women who are past childbearing years being less attractive from a reproductive stand point) but then why would old guys be appealing? I mean, yea, maybe they are more stable, but out in the wild the old guy can't defend against the young bullies taking over the herd or be strong enough to pull in prey.

Yea. I hate double standards.

[BroomJockey]

I really hate the double-standard that gray hair/wrinkles on a man add character, but somehow detract from the attractiveness of a woman.

Just remembered a comment I heard once: Wrinkles exist to show us where life has been.

Kinda makes sense, after all, botox'd people don't look very lively.

[Fashion Lad!]

So, you're going to make your GF dye her hair when she gets older? 'Cause it's probably inevitable that she will get gray hairs at some point.

You're putting words in my mouth again and I don't appreciate it. I would not make my girlfriend dye her hair. If she wanted to go gray, that's her decision and I'd support it. I'd just prefer it if she didn't.

[Pedersen]

You're putting words in my mouth again and I don't appreciate it.

Now who's putting words in someone else's mouth? Why, I do believe that we have a severe case of the pot calling the kettle black. Let's examine exactly what DesignFox said, shall we?

So, you're going to make your GF dye her hair when she gets older? 'Cause it's probably inevitable that she will get gray hairs at some point.

Nope, she didn't state that you were going to make your girlfriend dye her hair. She asked if you would as a way of finding out how you were going to deal with it. Specifically, she was responding to this:

I don't want her to have gray hair. I don't think it's sexy on a woman.

And that sort of statement really does make the reader ask how you are going to deal with it. If you stay with her long enough, she will get gray hairs. Will you tell her she's unattractive now? Will you abandon her? Will you make her dye her hair? DesignFox was more specific, since she assumed you would not be an asshole and either abandon her or tell her she's no longer attractive.

I won't make the same assumption. How will you deal with it?

I would not make my girlfriend dye her hair. If she wanted to go gray, that's her decision and I'd support it. I'd just prefer it if she didn't.

Interesting. She won't be sexy anymore, but you'll support her. Poor woman will get to age and believe herself unattractive to the person she loves (if you don't think she's sexy, you won't act the same, and she will notice the difference unless you're either a fantastic actor or she's a moron. Since I don't think either of those is true, she's going to notice).

Now, for something amusing, let's look at the post that started it, and put two statements side by side real quick:

I don't know why women are afraid of aging.

I don't want her to have gray hair. I don't think it's sexy on a woman.

Yep. Statements like those leave it an absolute mystery why women would be afraid of aging. Completely baffles me. Definitely.

[Fashion Lad!]

Now who's putting words in someone else's mouth? Why, I do believe that we have a severe case of the pot calling the kettle black. Let's examine exactly what DesignFox said, shall we?

Oh wow. You're so good at breaking down the psyche of me. You've managed to figure out that if my girlfriend has gray hair, I won't find her attractive. Save for the fact that I never mentioned really anything else about her. You've got me down. You're so amazing. So impressive with that little victory.

And the question was worded in a way that to me seemed like an accusatory question. But those don't exist and I'm being sensitive. Once again, you've amazed me with figuring out all I find attractive about women in one post. Truly, I'm in awe.

I don't find gray hair sexy on a woman. But did I ever say women with gray hair aren't sexy? No. Some of the most gorgeous women I've seen have gray hair. But no, you have me figured out. I don't know what I like. I'm glad you were able to figure everything out for me. Truly, I'm amazed.

[BroomJockey]

Oh wow. You're so good at breaking down the psyche of me.

Snark does not serve you well. People were merely pointing out you came across poorly in your post. You may wish to actually clarify your position next time. Moral high ground and all that rot.

[Boozy]

How come it's okay for you to not want to wear make-up, but for you to desire it for someone else?

Sort of what I was thinking. We all have standards of beauty, but we cannot hold others to them. If I had a giant hairy neck mole, I'd probably get it removed. But I don't tan or use self-tanning creams despite my incredibly pale skin. I'm sure there are people out there that find it "gross" when I wear shorts. If I don't want those people judging me on my pasty-white legs, then I can't be offended about someone else's mole.

[DesignFox]

Thank you Pedersen. You've picked up my point exactly.

I'm going to leave it for now. I can't figure out how to respond without being misinterpreted again.

[Fashion Lad!]

Snark does not serve you well. People were merely pointing out you came across poorly in your post. You may wish to actually clarify your position next time. Moral high ground and all that rot.

No, wait Pedersen said was accusatory. What DesignFox said sounded like an accusatory question.

So, basically from point of perspective, you guys would be silently advocating my girlfriend dump me or get rid of me because soon I will find her unattractive because as she ages she will get gray hair. But, I made a statement that I don't find something attractive. I NEVER made the statement that it would make a woman unattractive to me because she had gray hair.

I dated a woman who was nearly 40 when we broke up. She had a gray. I thought she was still attractive. I haven't even hit 30 and this was 2 years ago. But without knowing that, I get:

Interesting. She won't be sexy anymore, but you'll support her. Poor woman will get to age and believe herself unattractive to the person she loves (if you don't think she's sexy, you won't act the same, and she will notice the difference unless you're either a fantastic actor or she's a moron. Since I don't think either of those is true, she's going to notice).

Twist my words around, say that shit about me and expect me to be civil. Not going happen.

[DesignFox]

Whoa, dude. Calm down. No one was advocating for your GF to break up with you. Now you *are* putting words in people's mouths.

I'm not your GF. I'm not in your situation.
But if my BF said to me, "I think gray hair is unnattractive on a woman." or if I heard that he would prefer I dye my hair, but he'll deal with it if I let it stay gray, *I* would feel quite crappy. I would feel inadequate because I know that the way I look is not what he prefers. We don't like to feel like our guys settled for us. We like to feel like our guys are proud to have us standing next to them.

It may not be important to all women. But to me it is very important that I feel desired. My ex used to wonder why I just wasn't in the mood half the time (this was around the time we ended up splitting). Well frankly, having my flaws pointed out or comments made about how I should wear make-up or he preferred if I did this or looked like that didn't make me feel very sexy.

It was rather crushing to be told on the one hand that I was sexy, but then never actually receive a compliment. You can't just say that stuff. You have to mean it. You have to show it. As Pedersen said, we know the difference.

I'm frankly terrified of getting older. Exactly because of statements like the one FashionLad made.

If it makes me a bad or insecure person, so be it. I don't buy make-up. I don't dye my hair. I hope when I get old enough to "require" these things, I'll still choose not to use them. But it doesn't change the fact that I am terrified that I will end up undesirable because I've gotten older and it's starting to show. I hope that by the time I'm going gray I'll either be wise enough not to care, or sitting on the back porch with someone who still finds me desirable and loves me like crazy- despite my wrinkles, bulges, scars or gray hairs.

We women just deal with this as part of life. The media plays on it. Advertisers play on it. Our insecurity is a gold-mine. And that is why all these products exist and sell so well.

It's not because our guys don't love or support us. But because we know (or we stupidly believe) guys won't find us desirable if we look "old" And we just can't avoid that after a certain point. It doesn't even necessarily mean someone is a bad person. It just is. And society (or at least the media) as a whole upholds the double standard.

*goes to sulk in a corner*