Doing my own thing

[DrFaroohk]

I tend to lash out at people when its not really necessary, and blame them for things, like my wife or my kids, when really, what really bugs me most of the time is I can't remember the last time I did "my own thing". is that terribly selfish of me?

I'll sit there and play with the baby, go do storytime with my stepson, do whatever else with my wife but I'm always doing what someone else wants me to.

I COULD do my own thing, but every time I try I get this awful shitstorm from everyone else. i.e. a few nights ago I put my stepson to bed, and i came out and I said fuck it, I want to play this new game I got. I hadn't been able to play it yet, wanted to, its not like I'd been ignoring my family all day, and my wife said "Hey, do you want to play this game?" And I was like YAY!!!!! So I played it, until I realized my wife was just sitting on the floor sulking. Then she wound up having this big crying fit because I never want to do anything with her.

Since neither of usi s working, nor do we ever really go anywher, we're together ALL THE TIME! And I'm always doing what she wants. i'm always doing what the kids want. I can't do my own thing without some major guilt trip, which people don't seem to realize RUINS IT. If I need 1 hour of me time, and then 20 minutes into it people start bitching about how fucking bored they are, that just reset the clock. Those last 20 minutes didn't count.

I just want to do what I want to do, not what someone else told me, without getting shit for it. Is that so very much to ask? I let everyone else do their own thing - I never sit there and cry when my wife is watching stupid youtube videos or playing some game on facebook, I quietly go entertain myself! I read, I play guitar, I lift weights, I watch TV, or I just call it a night and go to bed. I don't sit there and cry because she doesn't want to come to bed at the same time as me.

It's not like I want to go out drinking, picking up chicks and harassing minorities. Sometimes, once in a while, I just want to sit down and do nothing, as if there's not 3 other people who depend on me for 100% of their happiness and entertainment. I want to sit there and play mindless tower defense games or solitaire or minesweeper, without someone sitting next to me sighing heavily, tapping their feet, asking me all kinds of questions, or sulking and crying.

[Rageaholic]

Is it selfish? Yes But is it a bad thing? NO

Let me put it to you this way, who is being more selfish, you or your family? Your family is the one who expects you to be their for them. With kids it's understandable, but it sounds like your wife is using emotional blackmail (and I'm no marriage expert, but I don't have to be to know emotional blackmail is cheap).

[BlaqueKatt]

Is it selfish? Yes But is it a bad thing? NO

To elaborate-a person only has so much in the "give to others" storage "battery", it needs to be periodically recharged with down time, or do something for yourself time. Because otherwise you end up "running on empty" and usually all that's in the reserve tank is bitterness and resentment.


I suggest* either explain it the way I just did-or start giving her a taste of her own medicine-start bugging her when she's on facebook-demand attention when she's watching youtube videos-when she questions what your doing merely say, "well I thought this was what you wanted me to do"


*remember I am horrible at relationship stuff-take my advice at your own risk-I run on pure logic-which usually backfires in relationship stuff.......

[violetyoshi]

I COULD do my own thing, but every time I try I get this awful shitstorm from everyone else. i.e. a few nights ago I put my stepson to bed, and i came out and I said fuck it, I want to play this new game I got. I hadn't been able to play it yet, wanted to, its not like I'd been ignoring my family all day, and my wife said "Hey, do you want to play this game?" And I was like YAY!!!!! So I played it, until I realized my wife was just sitting on the floor sulking. Then she wound up having this big crying fit because I never want to do anything with her.

So she offers a game for you to play. Then when you do play, she sits on the floor sulking like an upset 2 year old, after she OFFERED YOU THE GAME? I'm not sure, if she might be suffering from the "I have a child so I can behave like a child" mindset that seems to be common with many mothers these days, but she should not be respected or regarded for that behavior.

You should tell her, if she wants attention she has to get it from you like an adult not a small child. You should also ignore her "scenes" like pouting, and throwing a crying tantrum when she doesn't get what she wants. Eventually she will learn those tactics do not work, and move on to something else.

I mean, you didn't sign up to marry a woman who acted like a cranky 2 year old, every time she wanted something. You wanted to marry a wife right? This kind of manipulation really makes me, because I have tried most of my life to deal with things like a mature person. Yes yes, I know, I can already hear the laughs coming from the peanut section of this board.

In all seriousness, she's being a bad wife to you. You have to tell her, that you're not her slave. That manipulating you like a 2 year old who wants attention, is unexcusable. That you wanted to marry a woman, not a child. If she doesn't like it, well she could go hook up with someone into childish women. I've heard Japanese men like that sort of thing, no offense, I'm serious. They like women who behave immature cause they fetishize the youth thing. Although in the USA we're getting close to that I think.

[Fashion Lad!]

Everyone needs to be able to do their own thing or come up with their own way of being entertained at some point in their life. It's pretty childish of an adult to depend on someone to entertain them. It's even more childish to make a suggestion and then sulk when someone takes them up on the suggestion.

I'm going to go play with my Rubik's cubes now.

[DrFaroohk]

There's also the added problem, which I didn't mention before, is that my wife's husband, is a major asshole. So is my stepson's stepfather, and my daughter's father. So he doesn't necessarily want to rock the boat too badly either, thankful as he is that they put up with him in the first place...lol....

[violetyoshi]

Everyone needs to be able to do their own thing or come up with their own way of being entertained at some point in their life. It's pretty childish of an adult to depend on someone to entertain them. It's even more childish to make a suggestion and then sulk when someone takes them up on the suggestion.

I'm going to go play with my Rubik's cubes now.

I agree. Seems this woman needs someone to babysit her. They should have adult daycare for these people.

[telecom_goddess]

There's also the added problem, which I didn't mention before, is that my wife's husband, is a major asshole. So is my stepson's stepfather, and my daughter's father. So he doesn't necessarily want to rock the boat too badly either, thankful as he is that they put up with him in the first place...lol....

Ok I"m officially confused as to the family relations you have...sounds like a lot of divorces and remarriages

[powerboy]

Ok I"m officially confused as to the family relations you have...sounds like a lot of divorces and remarriages

Actually I think that he was talking about himself.

[Kalli]

If it makes you feel any better, I'm guilty of doing pretty much exactly what your wife is doing, and now that I've read this, I feel like a complete bitch.

I'll let poor hubby have his alone time from now on, absolutely.

If I'm anything to go by, sounds like your wife doesn't have the right perspective. I used to see "He doesn't like spending time with me, boohoo" but now I see "The poor bastard wants some chill time and I'm wrecking it over and over again. And I'm supposed to be his best friend. Get over yourself, Kalli."

I think you just need the right way to explain it to her so that the light bulb goes off.

[DrFaroohk]

Well typically I just post about it on fratching and then she "accidently" clicks on the history and winds up reading whatever I've just written. I hate it when people snoop on me, but this seems to be accomplishing something so I let it go.

[violetyoshi]

Well typically I just post about it on fratching and then she "accidently" clicks on the history and winds up reading whatever I've just written. I hate it when people snoop on me, but this seems to be accomplishing something so I let it go.

I guess her own immature behavior, is now betraying her. She's going to have to face reality and put on her big girl panties* at some point.

*I really hate the term "put on your big girl panties", and only use it when the person in question is so immature, they deserve such a demeaning phrase used towards them.