What to say and when to say it

[DrFaroohk]

This is a skill I never learned. Or maybe I was just born without it. For example, I'll ask someone how they are doing with a personal problem, such as a divorce, or cancer, or a criminal thing, when really they didn't want it being brought up because they're just trying to put it behind them. Or, I might think they want to just put it behind them, so I don't say anything, but then they really did want someone to ask them because they wanted to talk about it.

Or I'm brutally honest when I should have lied, or I lie when I should have been brutally honest. Sometimes I give reassuring compliments when I really need to be a little more harsh, or vice-versa. It goes on and on.

I suck.

[lordlundar]

Such is life. You can't hope to be perfect in it, merely survive it until you lose the fight.

[powerboy]

I have learned to just tell it like it is. Honestly is the best policy. If you don't like something, just tell them. If you like something, just tell them. That is what our old Tech Manager did. He told it like it was.

[Boozy]

When someone is going through a rough time, I just say to them, "How are you? Whenever you feel like a chat, you can call me, you know." That leaves it open. If they want to talk to me about it, they know they can. Otherwise, they can treat my "How are you" as small talk, say "Fine", and move on.

When someone does open up, and they are venting or sharing bad news, just say, "I'm sorry." Nothing else is required. Nine times out of ten they just want you to listen.

Honestly is the best policy.

Honesty is rarely the best policy in the vast majority of social situations. Avoid it like the plague lest you be.

[Peppergirl]

I've found a little trick that's worked well for me, at least so far. I try to temper it with a dash of humor.

I say: "Ok, gonna get this out of the way - and feel free to tell me to shut up if I'm over stepping or if you don't wanna talk about it."

And then I launch into whatever it is.

I'm batting a thousand so far, in that I always get at least a *mild* chuckle out of the person. Even the one's who have, ultimately, said they don't wanna talk about it. And even then, they've thanked me for asking.

Maybe I'm just lucky and I'm sure it may not work for everyone, but I've found it helpful for me.

[DrFaroohk]

Oh another good one I almost forgot:

"Hey their, familiar person. How's that close family member of yours that I am acquainted with?"

"That family member just died in a most tragic way, and its a very painful memory that I am trying my best to forget. Thank you for bringing it up."

[joe hx]

Sometimes you don't have to say anything - you just have to be there.

[DesignFox]

Well, you can't always make everyone happy. You are inevitably going to offend someone. And some people are just too fucking sensitive.

Your last example: "How is person X?" Well, if you didn't know they died, it's hardly insensitive to ask about them. I mean, how the fuck were you supposed to know? That person should stop being an asshole.

In life, I've learned it is best to be honest as much as possible. You can be honest without being blunt or cruel.

If you aren't sure what to say, just listen! Don't say anything. A lot of people going through a rough patch of life merely want an ear to bend. I normally do what most everyone else has already said and offer a shoulder to cry on if the person wants it, but otherwise I don't bring up their problems. If they want to talk, they know I'm there- if they don't, they don't have to be reliving anything.