The games people play when they're pissed off at you

[violetyoshi]

People tend to think I'm giving them the silent treatment when I'm really not. At least, not in that 'I'm going to punish them by not talking to them!' mindset. When I get angry I tend to keep my mouth shut and process it all internally first, wait until I'm not angry, and THEN discuss things if they need to be discussed. Most times I'm angry at stupid stuff and I know its stupid so by the time I'm not mad any more there's nothing TO discuss.

That way, I won't say something to start an argument or that I'll regret later in the heat of my anger.

Unfortunately, a lot of people know that when I get mad I get quiet, and so either a) assume I'm mad at them and being immature and giving them the 'silent treatment' or else b) can't stand knowing I'm mad and so prod me and prod me and prod me trying to guess why I'm angry or cheer me up and only make me madder. Even if I tell them I'm fine, its something stupid, just leave me be, they'll continually try and cheer me up or get me to talk. My mother and one of my coworkers are horrible at that. Drives me nuts.

Let me figure things out on my own first and then, if it's ANY of your business, I'll tell you.

Maybe you need to remind them, that your an adult, and not their child. That mommying or daddying people who tell you they don't want that, could be perceived as a form of harassment so if they have a desire to baby someone, there are many virtual pets on the market.

[Lace Neil Singer]

Anger's a problem for me; I tend to keep it bottled up til it explodes out of me. In the past, I used to self harm, but I try not to resort to that any more. The problem is, it's very hard to find something else to channel my anger into, so I end up exploding with rage at my boyf over a minor issue, when what's really making me angry is something else entirely.

[Boozy]

People tend to think I'm giving them the silent treatment when I'm really not. At least, not in that 'I'm going to punish them by not talking to them!' mindset. When I get angry I tend to keep my mouth shut and process it all internally first, wait until I'm not angry, and THEN discuss things if they need to be discussed. Most times I'm angry at stupid stuff and I know its stupid so by the time I'm not mad any more there's nothing TO discuss.

I was about to make a post that said this exact thing.

Mr. Boozy will sometimes ask me if I'm mad and I'll lie and say no. If I say "yes", I am then trapped into discussing the issue whether I'm ready to or not. 90% of the time, I calm down and realize that the thing I was so angry about is really fucking stupid, and I'm glad I didn't get into it with him. I have nasty PMS sometimes, and I get irrational.

I try not to do the "silent treatment" thing during my calm-down phase, but it's really difficult to chit-chat with someone you want to kill. If possible, I leave the room.

[Peppergirl]

When I'm annoyed or pissed at someone, I try to take a deep breath and think about it before I say something. So, I suppose that during this time, my actions could *probably* be construed as a 'silent treatment'.

But, like others have said, it's to everyone's benefit if I *don't* speak up at the exact time I'm annoyed, because I'll blow it up out of proportion.


My ex husband, on the other hand, was the type that would bottle things up. He would go weeks or months and show no outward sign that he was pissed at me for something. Then all of a sudden, I'd so something *really* minor and he would just LOSE HIS SHIT on me. It was almost as if he kept a mental tab of every 'infraction' I'd committed, and decided to let loose all at once. Then, of course, I'd be standing there with my jaw open - wondering how the hell to even *begin* to address any of it.

It was SOOO unhealthy!

We get along pretty well now...dare I say we are *almost* friends, so I've talked to him about it recently. He, of course, says I'm crazy and he never did that. Interestingly, his girlfriend (who I really like) says otherwise. She actually asked me how to deal with it.


Do any of you have the ability to communicate calmly with a loved one when you're REALLY angry, without taking some time to calm down first? If so, I'd be really interested in how you do this.

[DrFaroohk]

Although the "You should know why I'm upset" can have its merits, at least when it has been made clear to the other person before. i.e. if your wife tells you she hates anal sex, and one day you just decide to friggin' drive it in there, and later she might be acting upset, and then you say "Why are you upset?" "Well you should know why." And you SHOULD know why. You damn well knew that she didn't like anal sex and you did it anyway and at the very least acknowledging it shows you were paying attention, even if you ignored it.

[AdminAssistant]

Heh...when McGee dumped me, I started to inwardly retreat and sulk and cry (my typical reaction to that kind of thing). And then...I decided...no, I'm going to say what I want right here and now and consequences be damned. And I gave him both barrels. Later I apologized for a few of the really not nice things I said and for storming out the room when I should have stayed til I calmed down, mostly because he offered friendship and I realized that I wanted that, too. But it felt good to get it all out of my system...hell, that makes it possible for us to be friends, because otherwise that resentment would have just built and built and built.

[Peppergirl]

Although the "You should know why I'm upset" can have its merits, at least when it has been made clear to the other person before. i.e. if your wife tells you she hates anal sex, and one day you just decide to friggin' drive it in there, and later she might be acting upset, and then you say "Why are you upset?" "Well you should know why." And you SHOULD know why. You damn well knew that she didn't like anal sex and you did it anyway and at the very least acknowledging it shows you were paying attention, even if you ignored it.

Ok, um - I'm not sure if this is a hypothetical situation, and I probably don't really *want* to know.

That said, if I were on the 'receiving' end (so to speak) of a situation like this, lets just say there would be NO confusion about how I felt toward him afterward.

There would be no 'silent treatment' or mind games requiring the man to figure out what was wrong with me....he'd be hurting in places men don't like to hurt, TRUST ME on that.

[Flyndaran]

Ok, um - I'm not sure if this is a hypothetical situation, and I probably don't really *want* to know.

That said, if I were on the 'receiving' end (so to speak) of a situation like this, lets just say there would be NO confusion about how I felt toward him afterward.

There would be no 'silent treatment' or mind games requiring the man to figure out what was wrong with me....he'd be hurting in places men don't like to hurt, TRUST ME on that.

I believe we have a word for unwanted sex acts.

[Lace Neil Singer]

My ex husband, on the other hand, was the type that would bottle things up. He would go weeks or months and show no outward sign that he was pissed at me for something. Then all of a sudden, I'd so something *really* minor and he would just LOSE HIS SHIT on me. It was almost as if he kept a mental tab of every 'infraction' I'd committed, and decided to let loose all at once. Then, of course, I'd be standing there with my jaw open - wondering how the hell to even *begin* to address any of it.

Your ex husband sounds disturbingly like me in that aspect. o_O Tho, I am trying really hard to talk things that anger or upset me thru with my boyf, rather than just letting loose in a volcanic eruption of anger over something stupid like leaving socks on the floor or not putting the milk away.

[XCashier]

People this childish should not assume that their keeping thier twinkie-chute shut for a change is a punishment for anyone.

In every case it's been done to me, I frankly enjoyed the sudden absence of bullshit in my life.

Amen to this!

If you have a problem with me, talk to me. We're both adults, and neither of us can read minds. I cannot know there is a problem unless you talk to me, grownup to grownup. Want to give me the silent treatment? Then don't get doubly pissed at me if I ignore you right back. I don't understand mind games and won't stoop to playing them.

[Peppergirl]

I believe we have a word for unwanted sex acts.

If you're telling me to 'use my words', then yes - I'm aware there is a word for unwanted sex acts.

I'd use that word if that's what I meant.

Since that's not what I meant, I didn't use it.

[BroomJockey]

If you're telling me to 'use my words', then yes - I'm aware there is a word for unwanted sex acts.

I think he was talking about the original situation you were responding to, which, yes, there's a very specific word for DrF's example. And that word is, in fact, rape. I'm not entirely sure how his comment relates to yours, however. *shrug* Mayhaps some explanatory clarification shall be forthcoming...

[Nyoibo]

I picked it as more of an "oops I slipped" one.

[Peppergirl]

I think he was talking about the original situation you were responding to, which, yes, there's a very specific word for DrF's example. And that word is, in fact, rape. I'm not entirely sure how his comment relates to yours, however. *shrug* Mayhaps some explanatory clarification shall be forthcoming...

I was responding to Dr. F's story about how a man gave his wife anal when she didn't want it, then she gave him the 'silent treatment' and the 'guess why im mad' game.

I was saying that if my husband/bf did that to me, knowing I dont like anal, there would be no game playing or trying to figure out why I was mad. I'd would be crystal clear.

My response was really in the vein of how *that* situation would be one in which I would definitely not play 'silent treatment'.

I was confused by the rape reference, because that's not where I was going.

I'm rarely clear, though - so I can understand people being confused.

[DrFaroohk]

It could have been anything I used for an example, and this is a perfect example of people going the wrong way with a thread. You're debating about rape, and that clearly wasn't the point. "Oh but that's what you said derrrrrrr!" Shut up. You know what I meant. Which was that sometimes, the "you should know why I'm mad" routine is somewhat appropriate. To break it down into simple terms, so everyone can follow me, person A does something that they know damn well annoys person B. They've done it before, and been spoken to about it before, and they did it anyway. That's when person A is justified in saying "You should know why I'm upset." And its not just about that one particular incident. At least if it was me, the full context is this: "We've been together a long time, we've talked about this very issue many times in the past, and if you honestly have no clue why I'm upset, then it shows me that you haven't been paying attention because you honestly don't give a shit."