The games people play when they're pissed off at you

[MaggieTheCat]

Such as, "I'm not going to talk to you and just wait till you notice I'm mad, and the longer it takes for you to figure it out, the more pissed off I'm going to get." I mean, seriously. Why do people do this shit? My mother used to do this to me ALL THE TIME. She would give me the silent treatment. Even when I'd ASK her what's wrong, she'd say "Nothing." If I asked her again or pushed the issue, she'd completely go off the handle and say something like, "You know perfectly well what's wrong!" When really, I'd have no freaking clue. She'd never explain it, either, but she would demand an apology from me. I now apologize for just about every friggin' thing that ever happens, even if it's not remotely my fault or if I didn't have anything to do with it. I learned from a very early age to say "I'm sorry" in response to just about anything my mother said.

There was one time that she was screaming at me for something or another. I don't remember what. She asked me a question, but I didn't understand it. Not that I needed her to explain it better, it was like I literally just didn't understand what came out of her mouth. Either she screamed it so incoherently that I just missed it, or it got lost somewhere between my ears and my brain 'cuz I was so shocked. Either way, I asked her what she said. She just about hit the roof... "You know perfectly well what I said! You heard me!" "No, I didn't! I really didn't hear what you said!" "LIAR! Answer the damn question!"

Yeah.

When my husband and I get upset with each other, we generally tell each other about it. At least, he'll tell me if he's upset at me, and he's told me to tell him if I'm upset with him. I'd sort of gotten into the habit of not telling people when I'm upset, picked up from my mom, but I've mostly broken it by now. My husband and I have resolved to never go to bed upset with each other; once one of us knows what's bothering the other, we can work things out pretty well.

So, does this sort of thing happen to anyone else?

[RecoveringKinkoid]

I don't play those games. I'm a grown up.

A few people have tried that silent treatment shit on me, and these were people who really should have known better. They are no longer friends. I let them go on for as long as they like. I had one asshole go on for about a year.

Since this was a guy who would not shut the hell up, ever, the silence was refreshing. And when he finally realized (he was a bit thick) that his silence was garnering no response whatsoever from me and was ready to talk, about the only thing I had to say to him was, "I prefer adult friends to deal with their problems with me like adults. Have a nice life."

Got a problem with me? Let's address it. If not, let's not play horseshit games.

[Flyndaran]

I am dense as a brick to normal adult social non-verbal cues, so I am doubly dense to complex mind games.
It is so much simpler to just take people at their word and screw 'em if they don't adapt to my simplicity. I like to think it give most a refreshing change from the headache that is too much social complexity.

[DrFaroohk]

Sometimes its hard to just bring something up. My wife and I have gone through this before, not talking to each other about problems and letting it build up. The thing thats hard for me is that I never really know if what I want to talk about is a "legitimate" thing to talk about, or if I'm just being plain bitchy. I don't want to get shut down with something like "Hey, you have no right to bring that up!" or "Quit being such a crybaby!" (even though she probably wouldn't say those things) so I sometimes just kick around with a bit of an attitude until she asks me whats wrong. That way, it's harder to do the shut down, because she asked me. It works both ways.

We actually just had a conversation about it last night, and we've both agreed that it's NOT the best way to handle things, because something as stupid as leaving the milk out gets way overblown.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Well, see,the way I see it is if you are mad enough about something to act mad about it, then you are mad about it enough to want talk to me about it.

If it's not worth talking about, then it's not worth acting like an ass over, either.

I figure if someone wants to talk, they will talk. I'm certainly not going to initiate a game of charades over someone else's problem.

Walking around with unresolved resentment is a sure fire way to have your relationship fail. You can take that to the bank.

Sometimes, I wonder if I should bring something up, too. You wonder if you're being petty. So what I do is just wait till I cool off and then when I'm more rational, I decide if it's worth bringing up. Often, unless it's a recurrent problem, it's not. If it is, at least I've cooled off and don't initiate the conversation in an angry way. Sometimes, I can even inject a sense of humor into it.

[MaggieTheCat]

DrF, I know what you mean and sometimes feel that way too (wondering if the reason you're mad is a "valid" reason.) However, I've basically discovered that if something is bothering you enough that you're bothered about it, it's worth talking about. If you do talk to the person in question about it and they shoot you down with a "that's no reason to be upset" excuse, then, I'm sorry, but they're the ones being the ass, not you. True friends and SOs should realize that even if they think it's silly or not a big deal, it's obviously a big deal to you so they should hear you out without making you feel bad about it.

[DrFaroohk]

I totally agree on that, Maggie. I think its just that my wife and I have both been in shitty, shitty relationships in the past and we're kind of conditioned to think that's how things normally are!

One compromise we found that works, and maybe we should get back to it, is if something is bothering one of us, we write each other little letters on the computer. Just a little notepad file. It helps to keep things cool. It breaks the ice, we get to say our piece and it doesn't feel like you're being backed into a corner with accusations or complaints.

[joe hx]

When I was growing up, I was taught by my parents that it was simply wrong just to feel anger. If I ever was angry, I had to bottle it up because I sure couldn't go to my parents lest I get yelled at or beaten. This resulted in my having occasional severe temper tantrums.

I guess they were just drunk and didn't know any better. Even after years of therapy, anger is a tricky emotion for me.

[gremcint]

Silent treatment from my Dad, for over a year and half while I was a teenager.
He did the same to my sister for about 2 years.

He is a complete child, he's threatened to do it again over the dumbest arguements.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

People this childish should not assume that their keeping thier twinkie-chute shut for a change is a punishment for anyone.

In every case it's been done to me, I frankly enjoyed the sudden absence of bullshit in my life.

[Flyndaran]

I have far too much constant fear and anxiety to leave much room for anger for more than a few minutes. I guess it's a small benefit.

[Greenday]

Ah, diving into the knowledge I've picked up from my Love & Marriage class. So much fun.

The silent treatment and that whole "you should know so I'm not telling you" punishments are just plain stupid. Communication, one of the major C's of relationships, will utterly break down by not, well, communicating. If you are having problems, not talking about them will only cause further problems.

[violetyoshi]

If people behave that way towards me, I'll treat them at the age level they're acting. So I'd talk to them in the type of sing-song voice you use on young children, and say "Use your words!" Eventually they'll either see how childish they're behaving, or leave.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

I don't even give them the satisfaction of noticing that their behavior is any different. If they speak to me, I speak back to them. If they don't, well, that's fine, too. But if they are waiting for me to "notice something is wrong" they will have a long damn wait indeed.

[LewisLegion]

People tend to think I'm giving them the silent treatment when I'm really not. At least, not in that 'I'm going to punish them by not talking to them!' mindset. When I get angry I tend to keep my mouth shut and process it all internally first, wait until I'm not angry, and THEN discuss things if they need to be discussed. Most times I'm angry at stupid stuff and I know its stupid so by the time I'm not mad any more there's nothing TO discuss.

That way, I won't say something to start an argument or that I'll regret later in the heat of my anger.

Unfortunately, a lot of people know that when I get mad I get quiet, and so either a) assume I'm mad at them and being immature and giving them the 'silent treatment' or else b) can't stand knowing I'm mad and so prod me and prod me and prod me trying to guess why I'm angry or cheer me up and only make me madder. Even if I tell them I'm fine, its something stupid, just leave me be, they'll continually try and cheer me up or get me to talk. My mother and one of my coworkers are horrible at that. Drives me nuts.

Let me figure things out on my own first and then, if it's ANY of your business, I'll tell you.