Stupid people...

[Kimmik]

Ok yeah that is a broad term... but I am talking about the people that do not know when to just shut the hell up.

In Jan of this year I lost my first born son at 2 weeks 4days... he developed a bleed in the cerebellum that is extremely rare and most times fatal. In his case he became brain dead. So we made the hard choice of taking him off the ventilator and held him as he passed. BTW the hospital is a huge teaching/research hospitals and is known as being in the top for neonatal care.

Que the stupid people... I have been told...
"how could you kill him... he could have gotten better doctors are wrong all the time"
"why should mothers day upset you? It isnt like your a mom"
"your pregnant again... your just going to loose this one too"
"omg you held it??!! how morbid."
"Oh it is not like he lived long why are you so upset"
" You'll get over it"
"Why would people be concerned for your husband?" (this one was after I got upset because everyone seemed to ignore him.)

*sigh* I just dont understand it... and it pisses me off... why and how people can be so... stupid. Stupid most likely the wrong word... but I cant think of a better one. Thanks for letting me vent... that has been gnawing at me for this entire year...

[Boozy]

What horrible people, Kimmik. I'm sorry you're being forced to deal with people who say insensitive things. It's hard enough dealing with such a loss.

My condolences.

[Ree]

I am so sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry that you have had such insensitive things said to you.

When I was dealing with my own loss last year, my brother, who had also experienced the loss of his spouse, gave me this advice:

"People are going to say some really stupid and annoying things. The important thing to remember, though, is that they really don't know what to say when there has been a loss, so they will just say anything, and, sadly, sometimes attempts to say something come off really badly.
For example, people will often say, 'I know how you feel,' when they really don't. Nobody can really know another's pain. They may have experienced their own loss, so they have an idea of what their pain was like, but they have no concept of your pain.
They may even share stories of their own loss just trying to empathize or show that they do know how you feel, but when a person is already hurting, that isn't really all that helpful. I could never understand why people thought my hearing about their sadness would make me feel better. I was already grieving for my wife, so how helpful was it to make me feel bad about their loss?"

My brother is a very wise man. I was truly glad of his advice as it helped me through some really awkward moments.

Even with all the unintentionally cruel but well-meaning comments I heard, I don't think any of that came close to the nasty things people have said to you, Kimmik.

Just when you think people can't get any lower...

[Kimmik]

Ree i so wholly agree with his statement. I do not mind the ones that stutter an apology or the ones that even blurt out "omg how do you keep going". I do mind the God needed another angel so he took your son...

It has been a hard year... as well I am currently 6 and a half months along with our second child... being monitored very closely. *god I am so sick of tests* I had a co-irker tell me before I took leave... "OMG you're due on Jan 15th!!! wouldnt it be so neat if the baby came on the 18th" I finally lost it I am sad to say.

I told the co-irker that no it would not be neat... nothing will take away that pain... time will dull it but Jan 18 will always be the day I lost my first born the day that I held him as he breathed his last. All i have is a very small pewter urn and a few photos to remind me of my little miracle baby. And that there is nothing in this world that will make it alright, all better or take away the hole in my heart..

I scared a few managers that day... i am not proud of myself... but damn it... nothing makes ANY loss all better.

Though I will admit in a cosmic irony of sorts... Shayne was due in April... that is when Abby was conceived...and the date that I am having her is the day that everything went wrong... the 23rd of Dec when I went into early labor... The doctor does not want me going into labor naturally since so much went wrong last time... ok off to bed with me... i have a foot/hand/elbow in my ribs.

[Peppergirl]

Please do accept my sincere condolences for your loss.

I am so very sorry.

And congrats on the impending arrival of Shayne!

[Kimmik]

Please do accept my sincere condolences for your loss.

I am so very sorry.

And congrats on the impending arrival of Shayne!

Thanks but Shayne is the one that passed and abby is the one on the way
But thank you and everyone... it helps to know there are good folk out there.

[AdminAssistant]

Don't be ashamed of 'losing it'. It's better to get all those emotions out there, in the open, than to try to hold it in, hold it in, hold it in... And with what you've gone through, plus a second pregnancy, you deserve to be a tad bit emotional, methinks.

My condolences for the loss of Shayne, and I hope for the best for Abby (love the name!).

[MaggieTheCat]

I too am very sorry for your loss, Kimmik, and that you've had to endure such...well, stupid (maybe ignorant is a better word?) people and their comments. *offers hugs and baked goods* Honestly, I read your first post to my husband and we just looked at each other in disbelief. I could never imagine saying any of those things to someone in your situation. But as it's been pointed out, some people just don't know what to say in such a sad situation.

[Peppergirl]

Thanks but Shayne is the one that passed and abby is the one on the way
But thank you and everyone... it helps to know there are good folk out there.

Ugh. Open mouth, insert foot. I'm so sorry.

I love the name Abby, btw.

[LadyMage]

I have to ask this, HOW CAN SOMEONE GET BETTER FROM BEING BRAINDEAD!! I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on tv but I think braindead basically means dead, the brain isn't working anymore and never will, just for some reason the heart and lungs are working and will give out eventually anyway. oiy sorry but that question alone would have made ME run at the person to give their neck a 'hug' and I am not even in your situation or could even dream of understanding how upset you are, or your husband for that matter

you and our husband LOST A CHILD! how can someone say things like that to you after that

good luck with your next child though, I am sure she will be fine and cute to boot

please keep us posted

[XCashier]

"how could you kill him... he could have gotten better doctors are wrong all the time"
"why should mothers day upset you? It isnt like your a mom"
"your pregnant again... your just going to loose this one too"
"omg you held it??!! how morbid."
"Oh it is not like he lived long why are you so upset"
" You'll get over it"
"Why would people be concerned for your husband?" (this one was after I got upset because everyone seemed to ignore him.)

WTF?! I am appalled at the lack of sense, sympathy and basic common decency of these remarks! Did these people never hear the saying "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"?

I'm no Miss Manners, but it seems to me the best thing to say in this instance is "I'm sorry," and then be quiet and listen to the other person.

Kimmik, I'm sorry for your loss, and for you having to deal with such boorish cretins afterward. I wish the best for your family and your new baby.

[Flyndaran]

I have to ask this, HOW CAN SOMEONE GET BETTER FROM BEING BRAINDEAD!! I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on tv but I think braindead basically means dead, the brain isn't working anymore and never will, just for some reason the heart and lungs are working and will give out eventually anyway. ...

My great grandmother was declared brain dead and we should just pull the plug. A little while later she woke up without any obvious impairment.
Sometimes doctors really are full of shit.

[Rapscallion]

WTF?! I am appalled at the lack of sense, sympathy and basic common decency of these remarks!

You said it better than I could have done.

My great grandmother was declared brain dead and we should just pull the plug. A little while later she woke up without any obvious impairment.
Sometimes doctors really are full of shit.

Quite.

Rapscallion

[blas87]

I'm very sorry for your loss, and for the ignorant blab that fools spew when they can't think of anything to say.

[Ree]

I'm very sorry for your loss, and for the ignorant blab that fools spew when they can't think of anything to say.

...or for the ignorant blab they spew on purpose. While, as I mentioned before, some people say anything for lack of knowing what else to say, there will always be exceptions to the rule. Some people just have no concept of a brain to mouth filter and would say that kind of garbage no matter what.