My mother on Child Rum

[IDrinkaRum]

My mother thinks:

1. Child Rum is "solid" which in her mind equals "fat". I can't over feed her. I can't give her the foods she likes to eat (and will eat), but I have to give her what my mother calls "healthy" foods. Because Mr. Rum & myself are fat, Child Rum is going to be fat too.

However, she's 4 feet 1.5 inches tall. She's 64 pounds. The pediatrician is happy with her weight/height ratio. (94% for height/96% for weight).

2. My mother thinks Child Rum can just overcome her fear of the vacuum cleaner any time she wants to. Like, it's just a game and if we say "Stop being afraid! It won't hurt you!" enough times, Child rum will magically just decide not to be afraid of the vacuum cleaner.

3. She needs to start talking more on the phone when my mother calls to ask Child Rum how her day went/what she did at school.

She knows Child Rum responds best to when we look her straight in the eye and talk to her. She's even told me I have to do that more. So why is she surprised that Child Rum hates to talk on the phone?

4. She's convinced that I'm insane when I say that Child Rum has Autism. She's just emotionally and mentally 2 years behind and someday she'll just over come the discrepancy. She doesn't care what the doctors have told me and Mr. Rum. She point blank has told me that she doesn't think Child Rum is Autistic. For her Autism still equals Rainman. And because Child Rum is a girl and speaks sentences, and can be coherent and is friendly towards anybody, she's not Autistic and she knows everything.

I'm completely frustrated about this.

Mr. Rum has seen her attitude; has seen me in tears over this. And what does he do? Nothing! Doesn't back me up. Doesn't open his mouth to say what he sees when he's alone with her - doing the "Daddy Thing" while I'm doing my "alone thing" (either napping, doing laundry, going out on errands, etc.).

It seems like I'm talking to a brick wall. What to do?

[Peppergirl]

I'd always thought that YOUR parents were okay and Husband-Rum's parents were the evil ones.

I kid. Just trying to make you smile.

Have you tried to talk to hubby about it? Does he realize that his silence is deafening in this regard? He needs to speak up, not only to *his* parents when they act the fool, but YOURS too.

I don't think you're being overly sensitive. 'That time of the month' just makes things a bit more magnified. It doesn't create issues that weren't already there.

I'm sorry. I wish I had a hug smiley over here for you, hon.

[IDrinkaRum]

Thank you. I think my mother has become more and more obstinate with Child Rum as Child Rum gets older and starts to do more.

My mother doesn't think they're teaching her anything at school. While I know that's not true, I'm angry that they haven't been helping Child Rum in printing her numbers. She can write a number 1 and a number 0 and they look "normal", but her other numbers, no way in hell are you going to be able to decipher them.

I think the writing program they are using is useless (it's called "The Sensible Pen/Pencil"). I'm going to visit the office of the Occupational Therapist I have spoken to before and see what I can do to get Child Rum's writing to improve through hard work at home.

I've warned Mr. Rum that the next time his mom calls, I'm going to ask her if the reason she doesn't come up here at all is because she's ashamed of having a defective granddaughter. I seriously am. It shouldn't matter that my house is in a constant state of disarray. (I had to clean the table to find something on it, but at least part of the table is clean. ) I've suffered from depression for long that having a house that is really messy doesn't mean anything to me as long as Child Rum is dressed/fed/bathed. Who care if there is chocolate syrup stains on my carpet and toys scattered all over the house? I have no elbow grease and so my flat top stove doesn't get as clean as I like it as I can't do it, and Mr. Rum is always too tired to do anything. My kitchen counters are cluttered with appliances/dishes/things I need out on my counters. Stuff like that.

Yes, I know ... I'm babbling now. But really. I don't know what's wrong, but just reading an overly sappy card is causing me to cry at the drop of a hat.

Sorry for the rambling, but I need to get this off of my chest because both my own mother and my mil are making me feel like the worst mother in the entire world.

[MaggieTheCat]

We don't think you're a bad mother, Rum! I've heard the horror stories about your MIL but I thought your mom was okay. I'm so sorry she's just adding frustration to an already frustrating situation. For what it's worth, our apartment is usually pretty messy too, and we don't even have children to watch over. I usually leave at least some things out in the kitchen, especially if I use them often -- for example, there's usually a frying pan or sauce pan on the stove that I leave out 'cuz I use them so often. And even more than that, I leave bottles of spices and stuff like olive oil and vegetable oil laying around the kitchen too 'cuz I use them so often that I hate to go digging through the pantry for them every time I need them.

Please don't feel bad! We're all here for you.

[Peppergirl]

I second what Maggie said. You are a WONDERFUL mother! You're just emotional right now and everything seems to be crashing in on you.

We are here for you.

[Nyoibo]

2. My mother thinks Child Rum can just overcome her fear of the vacuum cleaner any time she wants to. Like, it's just a game and if we say "Stop being afraid! It won't hurt you!" enough times, Child rum will magically just decide not to be afraid of the vacuum cleaner.

Does mother have a fear of something like spiders or snakes? If so, just take one out and give it to her with no warning, then just say "Stop being afraid! It won't hurt you".

[gremcint]

Ask your mother how she would have reacted to her mother telling her how to raise you?

As for the not believing she has Autism, what does she think Child Rum has?

Further if she's not in any way medically trained then tell her that you go to experts who know what their talking about.

Look for a documentary on autism to show her.

[Fryk]

About #2...

"oh my God, mom! You're so right! I never would have thought of simply NOT being afraid! It's so simple!! Why don't psychologists expouse that philosophy more? Oh, yeah, because it's HORSESHIT!!!

"'Try not being afraid'. Yeah, I'd tell her that, but I'm too busy trying not to smack the piss out of you right now. Maybe I'll try later."

Family drives me bonkers. Maybe it's because I'm not super attached to my own, but I already told my wife not to expect me to put up with that kind of crap. I have no problems telling her OR my faimly members "Oh, look at the time! Time for you to leave sosorryyoucan'tstaywishyoucouldBYEEEEE!!!!"

[violetyoshi]

I think it's terrible for your parents to suggest Child Rum should eat only "healthy foods" They are a growing child, do they think starving them is going to prove something?

I heard the other day on my Facebook, that Tyra did a show about "pregorexia", where women so concerned about their weight will not eat enough during pregnancy. You should tell your mother health should come first NOT image. She is damaging Child Rum, by placing her insecurities on them.

I really wonder how far things will go until people, realize how damaging size discrimination is. Will it take Anorexia becoming a fashion movement again?

[IDrinkaRum]

I have no clue what stick is up my mother's butt to have her talk on and on about Child Rum's weight. I've gained 20 pounds in the past year or so. I get emotional, and I eat, or I'm depressed and I eat. It's a vicious cycle. I tune my mother out when she talks about my weight. But when it comes to my daughter's, I'm like "Leave it be mom. She's fine."

As for not believe she has autism? My mom thinks Child Rum is just emotionally/mentally SLOW. As in, I don't take her out enough to interact with other children, I don't talk to my daughter enough, I don't spend enough "quality time" with Child Rum.

I try to limit her interaction with other "neurotypical" children as I know children in her age range (and a little older) can be cruel. She plays in her own world, next to the children, but doesn't interact with them at all. Not my fault. Not her fault. She's seen how she plays with her little, almost-2-year-old cousin. Child Rum runs roughshod over her cousin and does all the "playing" for the two of them.

My mother is in a state of denial.

Yes, my daughter knows her first & last names, knows how to spell them, can recite her phone number & address. But that doesn't make her "normal" any more than me deciding to run in circles on day whilst flapping my hands makes me autistic.

(I also hope no one thinks I'm writing this so I can get pats on the back or anything).

[Lace Neil Singer]

My mother thinks:

1. Child Rum is "solid" which in her mind equals "fat". I can't over feed her. I can't give her the foods she likes to eat (and will eat), but I have to give her what my mother calls "healthy" foods. Because Mr. Rum & myself are fat, Child Rum is going to be fat too.

My mum thinks that I'm fat. -.- I try not to let her get to me, but she doesn't seem to understand that it's taken me years to get over an eating disorder and become at peace with myself, so I do not need someone telling me I should lose a few pounds. Tell your mother that unless she quits it, she could be responsible for bringing on an eating disorder. Child Rum obviously has a healthy relationship with food; you want to make sure it stays that way.

2. My mother thinks Child Rum can just overcome her fear of the vacuum cleaner any time she wants to. Like, it's just a game and if we say "Stop being afraid! It won't hurt you!" enough times, Child rum will magically just decide not to be afraid of the vacuum cleaner.

Yeah, and I can just overcome my intense fear of bees and wasps too, just like that! Is your mother scared of spiders? Next time you find one, shove it at her and tell her not to be afraid; I'm sure she'd get the picture then.

3. She needs to start talking more on the phone when my mother calls to ask Child Rum how her day went/what she did at school.

Blargh. I hate talking on the phone and avoid it whenever possible; thank goodness that a lot of stuff can be done online, and bills can be paid by direct debit. I am much better talking to a person than on the phone. -.- I don't know if that's an autistic quality or not, but I've always hated talking on the phone, tho somehow mobiles are OK. Would Child Rum respond better with a mobile, or is it all phones?

4. She's convinced that I'm insane when I say that Child Rum has Autism. For her Autism still equals Rainman. And because Child Rum is a girl and speaks sentences, and can be coherent and is friendly towards anybody, she's not Autistic and she knows everything.

I noticed that with people when I was diagnosed with Aspergers. It's incredibly annoying; I ended up printing out reams of info from the internet to show them that the Autism spectrum is extremely wide and varied and therefore two people can have Autism or Aspergers and have completely different needs. Maybe do the same, or try and get hold of a documentary on Autism? This may just be cuz she needs education on the subject.

[BroomJockey]

(I also hope no one thinks I'm writing this so I can get pats on the back or anything).

Would never cross my mind, and yet, if you were, I'd still not particularly blame you. You put up with an enormous burden with a large share of grace. I doubt most would begrudge you the need for an occasional booster session.

[BlaqueKatt]

It shouldn't matter that my house is in a constant state of disarray. (I had to clean the table to find something on it, but at least part of the table is clean. ) I've suffered from depression for long that having a house that is really messy doesn't mean anything to me as long as Child Rum is dressed/fed/bathed. Who care if there is chocolate syrup stains on my carpet and toys scattered all over the house? I have no elbow grease and so my flat top stove doesn't get as clean as I like it as I can't do it, and Mr. Rum is always too tired to do anything. My kitchen counters are cluttered with appliances/dishes/things I need out on my counters. Stuff like that.

my houses have always been like that-it's called "lived-in" and for me personally I'd rather be in a home like that than a "sterile" house that looks like no one lives there. As long as your child is happy and healthy-you're doing a great job parenting-though depression can be serious it sounds like you kinda have a handle on it(as much as a person can-you're not in denial about it-which is great-I know too many people that are), but you're not letting it affect your child-which is terrible hard.

I salute you-for your efforts!

[protege]

my houses have always been like that-it's called "lived-in" and for me personally I'd rather be in a home like that than a "sterile" house that looks like no one lives there.

You'd like my place then. It's usually a bit of a mess. Not 'disgusting' by any means, yet with two kitties...there are usually papers scattered about, and kitty toys all over the place. I do what I can, but I really *hate* cleaning

[IDrinkaRum]

My place has the very lived-in look. Though, *knock on wood*, we have only had one cockroach infestation, which was quickly nipped in the bud and that wasn't even my fault. Turns out the house next to us (we live in a townhouse 9 houses in a row - all attached to eache other) has/had a cockroach infestation that was slightly out of control (when the owners lived there, but now that they have simply walked away from the place and trying to short sell it before it gets foreclosed on) but the infestation has slowed down because there is no food anywhere. (When my family & I lived on Base Housing at Offutt Air Force Base, if one person got their house fumigated for cockroaches, all the houses had to be fumigated because if one house got it done, the roaches would just go to the next house).

Anyways, no cockroaches. No ants. No bugs of any kind. And yet my mother acts like something is about to jump out on her at any minute.

However, she did say she was going to save her "pearls of wisdom" for my sister and only give them to me if I ask her for them. I was talking to her on the phone, and I wasn't enthusiastic about something she said. (Truth be told, I wasn't paying any attention and actually daydreaming).

Yeah right ... I told her I didn't need any pearls of wisdom from her today.

Now, where was I?

Oh yeah ...

Thank you Broom for thinking I'm going through this gracefully. (My Mother didn't name me Grace for a good reason - It's either because my maiden name is Kelly and I'm definitely NOT blond and blue-eyed or because I'm really clumsy - take your pick. ) I try. I really do. Sometimes I do lose it - whatever "it" is at the time. But I love my daughter. When I get angry or sad or whatever, I make sure to give her extra hugs and kisses and extra "I love you's". I make sure she knows I'm not mad at her.

Also, I did talk to Mr. Rum this morning on our way to the Renn Faire we went to. Told him that my mom thinks Child Rum's not autistic, or that she thinks Child Rum is fat, or that all we have to do is repeat to her to not be afraid. He said that if she does it over the phone, to just hang up on her. No warnings, no nothing, just hang up. (I'll warn my mom first. Something like, "Mom, I don't want to discuss this. Stop it." If she persists, I'll say, "Mom I warned you, I don't want to talk about it" and hang up on her).