Babying Your Deadbeat Adult Children

[blas87]

They say parenting is a lifetime of responsibility. Maybe that is true.....but some parents and adult kids take it too far.

If you were to see my boyfriend's family, you'd think my bf was the middle child and his older brother was the baby. He is babied and babied and pampered, does not have to work, does not have to do anything around the house, gets everything handed to him, because he has a disease.....

I used to have sympathy for my bf's brother, until the other week when those two butted heads and I saw the real side to his brother....the side where he shows that he KNOWS how well he has it, he takes advantage of it, throws it in my boyfriend's face....and also uses his disease as a crutch to act like a jerk and always get his own way....therefore, also using it as a crutch to get his parents to go with him and against my bf.

He USED to be a wild child in tons of legal trouble....then he got older and got that disease and then became extremely introverted and anti-social.......as my bf got older, he got in lots of trouble (well, still does unfortunately), but whenever he and his brother butt heads, his brother rips and tears him to shreds, calling him a loser and a drunk and all kinds of things....even though he used to do the SAME thing at that age and the only reason he quit doing it was because he got Lyme disease!

This past weekend, my bf and I got back from going out on Halloween and his brother threw a shit fit about us being noisy and walking around the house before bed....and then yesterday, bf's mother tore us a new one for waking up his brother that night and that from now on, if we were going to be out late, we had to go to my place or stay in the guest house so we wouldn't disturb his brother because he needs his sleep and if we wake him up he can't sleep, despite the fact that his brother is like a cat and sleeps almost all day and all night every single day, only awake to go to school and do his homework.

Yep, school is the only thing he has going for him. He doesn't work, his parents won't make him work, even part time, he lives there for free.......but when it comes to my boyfriend, he had to make up for "rent" when he didn't have a job by fixing up the guest house (which was just an empty undone house when they moved there) and all the yardwork and chores, which does make sense, but his brother doesn't have to do anything, unless he wants money, then they'll try to get him to do chores....so he found a way around that....he uses his grant money to get by and pay for his expenses.

I just had to rant....it pisses me off and just adds to the problem.....I bet anything 5 years from now, he'll still be at home.

[BroomJockey]

I bet anything 5 years from now, he'll still be at home.

Sucker bet.

[blas87]

I probably should have mentione that he has lived outside of home before. Paying his own bills and the whole nine yards. I know why bf got stuck back at home, but I don't know how his brother did....

Needless to say, bf is restless and itching to get his ducks in a row and get the hell out.....his brother is quite content staying there. It's just so easy when you are babied and catered to, with no responsibilities.

[protege]

Blas, I know *exactly* where you're coming from.

My younger brother is like that. He's 30, and still lives at home with my parents. That idiot has been unemployed nearly 2 years, is on unemployment, yet "can't afford" things. But, he constantly has money for video games and/or beer. His beef with most people, is that he's resentful. He thinks that he should be making $100k a year, simply because he has a Masters degree. He has actually turned *down* jobs because "they don't pay enough."

2 years, not to mention most of his life, he hasn't had to work. He's never had to do anything because of my mother. She's constantly bailing his ass out and/or making excuses for him. Because of that, it's no wonder he's still living at home, and doesn't seem to be doing much in looking for another job. Why should he, when he can mooch off my parents? Should also mention that he doesn't do jack shit to help them. Most of his day is spent either playing video games, sleeping, or watching TV.

He actually got pissed at me the last time I was down there. I usually stop by most nights to see if there's anything to eat, or to pick on my other brother (who also lives at home, but works as a full-time substitute teacher), or to give my "old man" a good ball-breaking Anyway, my loser brother started going on about how I'm "not allowed" to eat at my mother's, since I don't live there... What the fuck is that shit? Yes, I don't live there. But, when I did...not only did I pay rent, but I helped out my parents when I could.

At that point, I lost it. I mean, I don't take shit from anyone. Especially from a piece of crap like my brother. Mom wasn't around to defend his ass, so I lit into him. That's when he made some rude comments regarding my weight, and the gloves came off. He got told that "yes, I do have a gut. However, I can always lose it. You'll still be a 30-year-old, unemployed, loser." Needless to say, he was pissed

But, when he was working, he'd whine about it. Specifically, how he had to pay rent. Sick of it, I put him in his place--I went off about how my mortgage payment is *3 times* what he was paying my mother for rent; how I had car payments, insurance, all of my utilities, food, and other bills." Needless to say, he shut up after that.

What can I say, other than I have a *very* low tolerance for people like that.

[blas87]

Thank you protege. I KNEW you'd respond to this and know where this was coming from!

Maybe those two should get together and live in a box on the side of the road.

I'm not part of the family and therefore, I keep my mouth shut, but it's so hard.....every time his brother starts up with his crap.......I just want to tell him off.

[protege]

You're quite welcome

Things have gotten interesting at my mother's lately. Dad's getting a bit tired of having "those two parasites" at home. Now they're both rude to him, and my mother. Never heard of not biting the hand that feeds them...

Anyway, I've heard rumors that my father is going to screw them both over. That is he's going to leave them out of his will Why? Well, he doesn't deserve the rudeness, and he's a bit tired of how they treat our grandmother. They totally ignore his mom. Yes, I know that side of the family has issues, but still. Yes, I know they annoy the hell out of people, but they mean well. As such, I can't ignore them--who knows, they might be able to help me out--and try to see them as much as I can.

[blas87]

Wow, how deliciously evil......I like it!

I just wish more parents realized that they are adding to the problem by not doing anything, and if there are other kids involved, there may be problems for years to come.

I have a feeling that once my bf does get his stuff together and gets out, he won't be back very often, and he and his brother are never going to talk or even be decent to one another again. There is such a riff between them because of all this.....and the fact that their mother allows his brother to act that way and she always takes his side.

And, like your brother, bf's brother has no respect. He kicks and screams at his dad if his dad doesn't remember to pick up all of his pills for him, he throws a tantrum if his mom doesn't make his food when he wants it......he throws a fit if ANYONE makes any noise when he wants to sleep.....but he has ruined so many movies for my bf and I by hanging around and talking....just nonstop talking......loudly. But if we watch a movie at any rate that's too loud....he throws a fit, and bf's mother throws a fit...

[Slytovhand]

I've been thrown into the position of the other brother.. had that for years at a time, actually.

Oddly enough, the story was a bit different from my side of the fence!

Also oddly, I think I've been the only one to live on their own... EVER! And have been doing so for well over a decade now!

OTOH, I saw my sister as the one scunging off my parents! (not that I really care, as long as it had no negative impact on my life... just sometimes it did!) She was certainly a daddy's little girl (and I was seen as mummy's little boy, I suppose).

So, Blas and Protege, I can certainly see where you're coming from! But, I'd suggest - get on with your lives, and don't let it get to you... if they start up again, just point out (quietly and 'tactfully') what you've managed to achieve with your life - that they're not going to get while they live the life they do!

Isn't success the best revenge?

[kiwi]

The boyfriends brother has some moderate mental illness, depression and anxiety attacks. He is warpped up in cotton wool and coddled on a scale I have never ever seen before.
He has a job (finally at 24) working 20 hours a week, his parents ring him every shift and he orders the food he would like.... every single day its fast food. This boy has never eaten a vegetable in his life that wasn't in fried potato form. Despite living 3 blocks from work (he finally moved out a couple of months ago) his parents drive him to and from each shift... they live 20 minutes away.
His mother goes over to his apartment to collect his dirty laundry OFF THE FLOOR, and tidys his room once a week. He uses them as his own private taxi service and has literally called the BF at 2am because he was a smart arse and now someones gonna beat him up. Just to mention his age again, 24, TWENTY FOUR!!!!!

He does own a car (that his parents brought for him) but has no drivers liscence, his parents pay for about $400 worth of weed each month, and his rent, and any clothes, shoes, music or whatever he might want. All without flinching.
He acts like a 13 year old because that is how he has been treated, his parents totally admit what they are doing but refuse to change it becuase he threatens suicide as means to get what he wants.
He knows and has admitted he milks his mental illness before, he is so smothered he doesn't know how to be independant at all, he doesn't know where his illness stops and he begins. They are setting him up for a HUGE fall, once they are dead the BF is not taking over.

[blas87]

Wow. That's pretty comparable to my bf's brother.

He has a car, a very expensive luxury European car....and who makes the payments on them because he's too "sick" and "can't" work?

I lost a lot of sympathy for him when I transferred departments and found that a lot of my coworkers have diabetes and heart and lung problems and they still work....even if they have to use FMLA and call in a lot and sometimes miss a lot of work.

I don't know much about Lyme, but I can't really imagine that it's so bad he can't AT LEAST help with housework, do his own laundry, and at least have a part-time sitdown type job........

I mean, unless things get really serious with bf and marriage comes into play, it's not my family or my business really, but it hurts and angers me to see how his brother can manipulate their mother and turn everything against my bf and always get his own way. It's absolutely sickening. The fact that he uses his little disease to manipulate everyone around him and always get what he wants and to be able to get out of having to be a fucking adult. And I'm sure the reason his mother won't put her foot down is that she's scared he'll do something rash if she dares ask him to walk the dog or fill the dishwasher.

Although I WILL say, the next time he throws a fit about being waken up, I probably WILL say something. Someone with no job, not paying rent, and being coddled like a baby doesn't deserve sympathy for being woken up, especially when that's all he ever freaking does.....and not to mention that you won't ever get any sympathy for being woken up by a night shift person.

[Tanasi]

I looked up Lyme disease and for the most part it's not so bad once treatment starts and the vast majority recovers without any lasting effects. If you don't mind what is his complaints?
I'm getting the feeling that he's looked this up on the interweb and is taking advantage of being in the land of dairy.

[BlaqueKatt]

I don't know much about Lyme, but I can't really imagine that it's so bad he can't AT LEAST help with housework, do his own laundry, and at least have a part-time sitdown type job........

it's not-

Arthritis. After several weeks of being infected with Lyme disease, approximately 60% of those people not treated with antibiotics develop recurrent attacks of painful and swollen joints that last a few days to a few months.

Neurological symptoms. Lyme disease can also affect the nervous system, causing symptoms such as stiff neck and severe headache ( meningitis), temporary paralysis of facial muscles (Bell's palsy), numbness, pain or weakness in the limbs, or poor coordination. More subtle changes such as memory loss, difficulty with concentration, and a change in mood or sleeping habits have also been associated with Lyme disease. People with these latter symptoms alone usually don't have Lyme disease as their cause. These features of Lyme disease usually start to resolve even before antibiotics are started. Patients with neurologic disease usually have a total return to normal function.

Heart problems. Fewer than one out of 10 Lyme disease patients develops heart problems, such as an irregular, slow heartbeat, which can be signaled by dizziness or shortness of breath. These symptoms rarely last more than a few days or weeks. Such heart abnormalities generally appear several weeks after infection, and usually begin to resolve even before treatment.

How Is Lyme Disease Treated?

In its early stages, Lyme disease can be effectively treated with antibiotics. In general, the sooner such therapy is begun following infection, the quicker and more complete the recovery. Antibiotics, such as doxycycline or amoxicillin taken orally for two to four weeks.

What Is the Outlook for People With Lyme Disease?

Most people with Lyme disease respond well to antibiotic therapy and recover fully. Some people may have persistent symptoms or symptoms that recur, making further antibiotic treatment necessary. If left untreated, Lyme disease can cause permanent damage to the heart, nervous system, and joints.


So if he's taken the antibiotics-he's "cured" and just being a dick-but you probably knew that already....

[blas87]

I have a feeling that he just believes what he wants to believe, aka the worst case scenarios, and uses them to his own advantage.

My personal stance, if he has the strength to throw hissy fits about his dad forgetting his pills or his brother waking him up, then he has the energy to get out of bed and do something.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

He will kill himself if his PARENTS don't buy him 400 dollars worth of weed???

And they do it? ???

That's some little racket. I don't think he's the one with the mental illness. His thinking is clear as a bell, by all appearances.

It's the parents that need the shrink.

[kiwi]

RK he threatens suicide for just about anything, its is go to threat.

The "boy" (as they call him) and his mother have an intensely co-dependant relationship with each other. He uses his mothers need for love and control to manipulate her in to buying or doing whatever he pleases. She uses his insecurity and panic attacks to be the saviour and to have complete and utter martyrdom to the rest of the world because she "sacrifices" her life to help him.

Her husband is a mouse, he is treated like an idiot who is to do as he is told. She constantly puts down everyone in her life (including me which is why I limit my contact to the bare minimum) and treats him as if he exsist to serve her. She has a fairly firely temper and will explode if he so much as dares to question her orders. So he sits on the couch and watches hockey and works 100 hours a week so he never has to be home.

The entire family is fucking screwed in the head.