Trivializing other peoples problems

[Rageaholic]

Otherwise known as so called "perspective". There is nothing I despise more than people trying to give their "perspective" when you're going through a hard time. And that hard time could be anything from having a good day rained on to all out depression.

I used to get this at church quite a bit (when I'd go, but that's for another thread). Just because there are people in 3rd world countries who are starving doesn't mean that we're all happy here in America. When I have a problem, be it my computer breaking down, stress from School, job hunt stress, or any number of things, do you really think I want to hear about how much crappier other people have it? Do you think that by reminding me of all the worst conditions on the planet is going to make me think "Gee, I guess I had it good all the time, even if I do feel like complete shit"? Think that's gonna magically make me happy again?

What's even worse is when you pour your heart out to someone, only to have them belittle your problems. Then they have the gall to talk about all of their hardships, belittling your problems, and you as a person. And no, they are not trying to sympathize. Those who sympathize tell you their hardships to offer understanding and perhaps ways to get through it. The people I'm railing against are those who tell you to "Grow up" and "if those are the worst things you'll have to deal with, your life is pretty damn easy".

Fuck you

You just want to feel like some kind of martyr, and to do that, you're putting down someone who's going through a hard time. You fucking opportunist.

[gremcint]

I completely agree. Whenever I hear the sarcastic "Awww Muffin" I want to punch their lights out.

I recently put it to someone this way: "your pain does not negate mine, your leg being broken does not magically heal my stubbed toe"

Of course then there is the ever infuriating: welcome to the **** world.
I've told people off for that one.

[Rageaholic]

I completely agree. Whenever I hear the sarcastic "Awww Muffin" I want to punch their lights out.

I recently put it to someone this way: "your pain does not negate mine, your leg being broken does not magically heal my stubbed toe"

Of course then there is the ever infuriating: welcome to the **** world.
I've told people off for that one.

I gotta remember that one (the middle one that is). "Welcome to the real world". I could start an entire different thread on that expression!

[Ree]

I hear you on this one.

Yes, perspective is important. It keeps us from getting bogged down and wallowing in our self pity.
However, that doesn't mean we don't need somebody to just listen and let us vent and then commiserate and say, "That really sucks.

I always remember that old expression, "I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet."

Yeah...it sucks that the dude has no feet, and I feel bad for him, but that still doesn't negate the fact that I am standing here with my feet half frozen because I HAVE NO FREAKIN' SHOES!!!

I do think, though, that people just want to make it all better, so they say all these things to try to help.
It's not always a martyr thing going on.

[Cat]

I cried when I had no shoes, til I met a man with no feet....and then I laughed really hard (cookies for reference!!)

But yeah, I understand what everyone's saying.....I remember a discussion with a buddy about this...how can we say someone's pain is worse than someone elses? For example...someone's beloved pet dies....that could be the worst thing happening to them, and someone shouldn't trivialize it because their (whomever) died. (I actually saw this happen about 10 years after said discussion.....)

[Boozy]

I don't think people should compare the quality of suffering, if only because they will often get it wrong when they do.

Happiness and misery are very subjective things. The footless man might be very happy because he has a large and loving family to carry him. The shoeless person might have no friends to help him and needed those shoes to keep his job. The shoeless guy is clearly the more miserable in this situation.

Even when someone's misery is clearly so much greater than ours, it does nothing to alleviate our suffering. If I'm already feeling depressed about something, it doesn't help to mention the man you know with terminal cancer. Now I feel down about losing my shoes AND the poor bastard with cancer. You've just made it worse by mentioning it.

[Rageaholic]

.

Even when someone's misery is clearly so much greater than ours, it does nothing to alleviate our suffering. If I'm already feeling depressed about something, it doesn't help to mention the man you know with terminal cancer. Now I feel down about losing my shoes AND the poor bastard with cancer. You've just made it worse by mentioning it.

Exactly my point. Instead of bringing up someone elses suffering, perhaps they should be bringing up something positive. THe only people who wouldn't feel for the poor guy with cancer would be EWs who only care about themselves. Why punish me for having compassion?

Gah! If only more people could think like that, then they would know when to STFU.

[Boozy]

THe only people who wouldn't feel for the poor guy with cancer would be EWs who only care about themselves. Why punish me for having compassion?

I know what you mean. Do people really expect that mentioning some horrible tragedy would cheer someone up?? "Oh, I was feeling so depressed about losing my job. But now that you've reminded me of the Holocaust, I can't help but feel cheerful and optimistic about the world! Hurrah!" What kind of sociopath do they think they're talking to?

Not only do we still feel badly about the original problem, but now we feel guilty about it too.

[jackfaire]

When people tell me, "It's a matter of prespective"

I tell them thanks your right it is from my perspective this is the worst thing to ever happen to me. *kicks stupid people*

From the other side of the coin though I get people mad at me if I am not more upset about something that happened to me that to me is trivial (not there thing but my thing something that affected me badly) .

[Crescent Cat]

It really depends on the person and the situation. There are people out there that really do complain about little trivial things all the time and sometimes you have to tell them to shut up and put them in perspective.

I had a friend who was just like that. She complained all the damn time about everything. Boo hoo - she had no money and no job, but she didn't want to actually look for work because it was hard. And she was doing poorly in school, because she wasn't doing any of her assignments because she was too stressed to work. She was sooooo tired because she stayed up all night playing video games! And it's all the state of Arizona's fault! Yeah! This all happened because she moved out here from Illinois!

She knows for a fact that if she were still in Illinois this wouldn't be happening to her! Apparently in Illinois you get to stay in your apartment rent free and you don't have to bother yourself with actually doing your school assignments.

Yeah, basically it was whine whine whine about everything but she never bothered to do anything about it. Yes, I realize that it's hard to find a job and school can be very stressful at times, but she wasn't even trying to get work or do her assignments. If she were at least putting forth the effort then I would've had some sympathy for her. Instead I got so sick of her self-inflicted sob story that I told her what for.

She eventually shaped up . . . kinda.

Point is that sometimes you really do have to put people in perspective, but that doesn't justify douche bags that do so when it's uncalled for.

Example:

Manager: (sigh) I have to lay off 100 people tomorrow because of the economy. I'm really not looking forward to breaking the news . . .
Manager's wife: Oh stop whining! 800 people are going to starve to death tonight! How does that make you feel?!
Manger:

There's always going to be someone who has it worse than us, but that doesn't mean we don't have the right to feel frustrated, sad or depressed at our own problems. Sometimes it really is that bad.

[Rageaholic]

I don't know crescent cat, I would probably get tired of people complaining constantly about things they can control, but on the other side of the coin, perhaps she really is stressed about life.

Right now, I don't have a job, I live with my supportive parents (who are well off), I am not even a full time student at my community college, and I feel overwhelmed. Unfortunately, there is a lot of homework in the 2 courses I am taking, and it's not easy stuff. Really, compared to a lot of people on this board, I am probably "spoiled", but that doesn't mean I'm not without my problems. When I think about my one friend who doesn't have the support of his family, I feel my problems are trivial. I just get more overwhelmed thinking that I probably have it "easy" compared to a lot of other people. And that's just from thinking, had someone actually said that to me, I would probably lose it (and they have).

Then again, it's not like I ain't trying. So maybe she is just looking for something to complain about.

[Crescent Cat]

Regarding the situation with my friend - if she had at least attempted to change her situation I would've been 100% supportive (I still was supportive of her despite this but my patience ran out). She literally didn't do a thing - not one damn thing - to try and fix it. She NEVER went out looking for a job on her own. I talked her into going to a job interview where I was working once but that was a hassle.

I sat next to her in class so I can attest that she she almost never did her class work and on the rare occasions that she did, she'd start them at the last minute and complain about how stressful it was to try and meet the deadline. She'd spent all her other time goofing off on the internet.

If she took her school work seriously and actually tried to find a job that would be one thing, but she never did. She was a complete and utter slacker who used her sob story of a stressful life to sponge off of others.

I tried to help her. I tried to motivate her to be self-sufficient but one's patience can only stretch so far.

[Rageaholic]

I'm wondering though, did she have the support of her parents? I mean, if she's living on her own and his no other option, I can kind of see her point. I have friends who's parents didn't support them and even threatened to kick him out of the house, forcing him to move across the country to live with his relatives. He does have the support of his relatives for now, but I don't know how long that's going to hold up. At this point, if I was on my own and had no one supporting me, I would probably be in a similar situation. Not saying it's your problem or anything, you're doing what you can. I just wonder if she's depressed and lacks motivation. I know I've been there.

On the flip side, I've known people who kept complaining about how poor they were, but ended up buying TWO new cars. Now it's really hard to feel for those people much, especially since they are only worsening the problem. I guess that's a case when some perspective, or at the very least, common sense can be a handy weapon.

[Crescent Cat]

She did have the support of her mother and could've moved back in had things gotten bad enough. In fact she's living with her mother now. The only reason she moved from Illinois to AZ was to go to school. Her mother moved to Utah which made moving back a lot easier for her. I'm just hoping she's learned something from this.

[Rageaholic]

She did have the support of her mother and could've moved back in had things gotten bad enough. In fact she's living with her mother now. The only reason she moved from Illinois to AZ was to go to school. Her mother moved to Utah which made moving back a lot easier for her. I'm just hoping she's learned something from this.

Okay, I hear ya now. I think a little "perspective" is in order here. She needs to realize that she can change her situation by going back home or attempting to better herself. The only other reason I can think of is being anxious about getting a job or failing, but the way I look at it, it's better to try and fail than to not try and fail.