My mother-in-law

[XCashier]

My mother-in-law is trying to take over my life.

Nineteen years ago, I married a man who was the nicest, kindest person around. He was especially kind and considerate of his mother, which I thought was a good sign, since you don't want to marry someone who's inconsiderate of his mother.

Fast forward to eight years ago. I have a baby boy, the entire family is thrilled. Two years later, hubs has his mom move in with us to "help out". She took over everything, leaving me the cleaning. She vetoed every thing I said to my son. She bought him expensive presents and lots of sugary stuff. I tried to make her stop, told her that my family has a history of diabetes and weight problems and I don't want my son getting a bad start in life. She verbally agreed, then turned around and kept doing just as she pleased. She basically disrespected me and took over my role as Mother and head of the household.

Hubs did not understand why I wasn't happy having her in the house with us. Wasn't it wonderful, I was getting all this time to myself with Granny helping out? When I told him what she was doing, he "pish-tosh"ed me as well, saying I was overreacting. All our friends and my family said having her live with us was a bad idea, but he turned a deaf ear.

She finally moved out after I had a minor meltdown. She left hubs a guilt-tripping note about how she was so ill-treated by her ungrateful daughter-in-law. It took a while to smooth out communications.

Three years ago, we sold the house and moved to another state. Earlier this year, she moved out here to be close to her only son and grandson.

And now she's doing it again. She got an apartment near us, and due to our weird work schedules, there are many evenings where neither hubs nor I am home to take care of our son, so Granny does. She did not learn anything from last time. She's still spoiling him (less sugar, thank God, but still plying him with expensive toys we can't afford, and she really can't either.) and he's turning into a very manipulative child. Hubs still think she walks on water and is oh so happy she's out here with us, and is again talking about getting a house and having her move in with us!

This woman is a master manipulator. She knows how to make herself look like she's in the right. I, on the other hand, am not very good at reading people or understanding subtleties, nor do I use them myself (I put my cards on the table, and some people think I'm rude for my straightforwardness). Therefore, I am unfortunately getting stepped on again.

I spoke to my mom about this a few days ago, and she said, "Don't let her take over again!" Problem is, HOW? I really am not good at confrontation. How do I get them to understand my point of view without coming across as a bitch, a whiner or a dimwit?

I'm seriously scared that if the shit hits the fan again, hubs will side with his mother and leave me, taking my son.

[kiwi]

You dont have a Mother in law problem you have a husband problem!

Your husband needs to realise that you, and your son are his family now and that his mother has been relgated to extended family.
I would recommend reading the book boundaires and asking your husband to read it to, he needs to admit their is a problem (and if you are upset then there IS a problem).

It has taken me nearly 4 years of constant asserting myself and moving 4 hours away from his family to get the BF to realise that I do not want or need my life run by his family. They are threatening to move to the same area as us again, I told him I would leave if he lets his family move that close because they have no understanding or respect for boundaries of any kind. Not as an idol threat but to make him realize just how serious the situation is. His family is controlling and over bearing, they need to know and have their say on EVERY single aspect of our lives from what bread we eat to what car we drive and how we drive it.

If your husband wont admit there is a problem then I would insist on counseling and have an objective person look over the situation. You are your sons parents so you get the final say on how he is raised.

Good luck

For all you girls out there, do not EVER date or marry a mommas boy unless you want misery in your life! I am giving you fair warning. If you are ever referred to as "the other woman" by his mother RUN! Run long and fast!

[XCashier]

I would recommend reading the book boundaires and asking your husband to read it to, he needs to admit their is a problem (and if you are upset then there IS a problem).

Is this the book you are referring to?

For all you girls out there, do not EVER date or marry a mommas boy unless you want misery in your life! I am giving you fair warning. If you are ever referred to as "the other woman" by his mother RUN! Run long and fast!

I wish someone had told me this before. I was told to look at how a man treats his mother; that's how he'll treat you. If he's mean and vicious to his mother, he'll be mean and vicious to you. I didn't realize that if he over-adored his mother, he'll put you solidly in second place. Find the happy medium.

[kiwi]

Is this the book you are referring to?

Yes thats the book, its a good start anyway. This is a long road to hoe, thats the first book I read 3 years ago and it jump started me discussing things with the BF. (even though its christian based its not a bible thumping book at all, it just explains that sometimes as christian women you are expected by society to be submissive to your husbands will and that its okay to say no).

He is STILL a BF because of his mother, I won't marry into that family voluntarily while he continues to allow their interference.
Firstly you have to stay calm when you discuss things with your husband, if you become emotional you start to look hysterical rather than rational. Secondly you don't have to be rude to be firm, you can be assertive without being aggressive. Third and lastly your husband has to recognize their is a problem, even if at first he only thinks that "you" have a problem.

The BF once said "you don't like them, thats your problem not mine" and we discussed the fact that I couldn't be with someone who allowed people to say nasty things to me, steamroll over my wishes and ignore their constant bad treatment. It became his problem when he realized that he could loose me over this. It took 3 years to get to this stage and if I had a do-over I would have gone after the first time I was told to my face what an inconvenience I was and that I would never be the foremost women in his life because that would always be "the mom".

both of us started watching this show outlaw inlaws

it really helped the BF to see that what his parents were doing was destroying our relationship.

I hope that helps at all

[Talon]

I really am not good at confrontation.

Neither was I when it came to my overbearing maternal unit. I got over it, so can you.

Never start a fight. But always finish it.

- Sheridan, Babylon 5

[jackfaire]

My in laws tried to tell me that they had a say in my daughter's upbringing her name, everything. I told them politely as possible that if they thought that then they were smoking some really good stuff. She is my daughter I decide.

They backed off after that. In your case I would document everything. If it comes down to it you may need to leave with your son. Check your state laws and talk to a lawyer if you sense it going that way.


Most states will favor the mom for custody but your MIL will try to use the fact that she, "has to do everything" as evidence that your an unfit mother. If you document the times she has stepped in and undermined you against your wishes or needs you will have a good defense against this kind of attack.

Side Note: That how a guy treats his mother thing is bull. I treat girls I dated with love and respect. I don't like nor respect my mom. I have as little contact with her as possible. I don't know who came up with that piece of "wisdom" but it needs to be erased.

The implication there is that mom is always a wonder loving caring selfless person. She isn't.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Here's the thing. And this probably won't make me popular with you, and I'm sorry for that, but you evidently didn't learn, either.

It's my opinion that you rely on her because you can. She "has" to care for your kid because of your work schedules. You need to change your work schedules. You need to do whatever you have to do to make that happen. Right now, it's easy to not do it. You have child care. It becomes a bad habit, so it happens.

If you don't want to rely on her, then don't keep yourself in a position where you "have" to.

This is important. Your job is not more important than your relationship with your child. If you honestly think that your husband might actually side with her and take your child away, then you have to do something right damn now to cut that off before you find yourself trapped.

[onemagicmummy]

i havent read em but have heard recommended for cases like this Toxic Parents and Toxic In Laws

good luck hun

Kiz