Indirect Confrontations

[Greenday]

I can't stand it when people refuse to start a confrontation with a problem they have with me. For example, junior year in high school, I was talking to this one really nice girl in my history class. One day after the last class of the day, some other guy comes up to me to tell me that she wants me to stop talking to her so much. A.) Why the hell would I believe the guy she sent? And B.) What's the problem with telling me herself? If anything, that lowered my opinion of her.

Like, I hate going through multiple people to get a message from someone. I don't like confrontations, but if I have something to tell someone, I say it to them. Being direct makes sure the message doesn't get garbled. And it sounds like it's a totally unimportant topic when you have someone else pass on your own message.

Lately, I've fallen for a good friend of mine. Apparently, it's been painfully obvious. But instead of her saying something to me, she tells a friend of ours that it would be really awkward for us to date since we are such good friends. (Now that I think about it, that's not totally a no, though for the most part, it is) I mean, if she knows I like her a lot, but doesn't want me to date her, it'd be a lot easier on me if she just said so.

[ThePhoneGoddess]

You must understand there are some personality types that cannot stand dealing with confrontation of any kind. I am one of those types. I require harmony in my daily interactions with people and will do anything I have to to keep it. If I feel that I cannot have a harmonious relationship with someone, I prefer to simply cut off any contact with them---permanently.

As a mature person, I realize now that confrontations are simply a fact of life, and sometimes they must be dealt with, and the sooner they are over the better. But as a teenager I did not know this, and would often deflect things onto others, like the first girl did to the guy who confronted you on her behalf.

If I know that I need to have a confrontation with someone, no matter how small, I will worry myself into a frenzy and my blood pressure shoots through the roof. I have especial problems with people who enjoy arguing for the sake of arguing and see confrontations no differently than any other form of interaction. As soon as I peg someone to be that type, I will avoid them like the plague, as I am terrified of having to interact with them.

My point is that you may be the type who finds nothing stressful about confrontation, and these girls you interact with may be more like me. I don't know, obviously, but their behavior may be a mixture of disliking confrontation and not being mature enough to understand that sometimes it must be done. The second girl may really value your friendship and is afraid that if she turns you down directly, you'll just stop speaking to her.

[Boozy]

I have especial problems with people who enjoy arguing for the sake of arguing...

Boy, have you come to the wrong place...

Just kidding.

Seriously, I'm a lot like you. Confrontations used to cause me to have the same sort of physical reaction. I got very sick just thinking about it. It was my current manager who got me thinking about it in a different way: She said, "Look, you don't crap on other people. You treat everyone with respect and fairness. So why do you allow other people to treat you any differently?"

So now I see direct confrontations now to be far more civil than "spreading the word" that I'm upset. I don't like people talking about me behind my back. I'd rather have someone speak to me directly. So I owe it to others to do the same.

Indirect confrontations seem to fall by the wayside as people get older and more mature. High schools are rife with this kind of behaviour. ThePhoneGoddess is right - its a manifestation of insecurity and lack of confidence.

[rahmota]

Oh I hate that sort of Crud. I've always been the kind of person for good or bad that if I have a problem with a person or situtation I'll got to the source of the problem and deal with it. If You have a problem with me I want the person to come to me not send some flunky. When I've had people do that I've sent the flunky back to tell them to come to me and not send flunkies anymore as I'll ignore them. I know I may be a bit too confrontational but it cuts out a lot of miscommunications and stuff that results from sidestepping direct problems.

[ThePhoneGoddess]

Boy, have you come to the wrong place...

hehe, no actually that's why I like to come here...the debates here are relatively civil compared to other message boards I've been on.

A big part of my fear of confrontation is that I was raised by a somewhat tyrannical father, who did not permit arguing or disagreeing of any kind and would become frighteningly loud, angry and sometimes violent if he was not obeyed and agreed with without question. I am literally terrified of people who are angry. If someone gets really angry at me to my face I will start to shake and cry hysterically and I feel like a helpless 5 year old again. I will do completely irrational things to avoid having that happen.

[Rapscallion]

(Now that I think about it, that's not totally a no,

Oh yes it is. She wants to let you down gently, doesn't want to lose you as a friend.

Pity that glands don't have much sense. The girl I was crushing on at work? Her work ethic is ... lacking. We don't have much in common at all. Despite this, my glands went into flip-flop mode when I saw her for several months. Glad I'm out of that, and hopefully I'll stay out of it.

Rapscallion

[Greenday]

Wow, Raps, way to kill my hopes and dreams. How do you sleep at night?

On a side note, she may be going back home with me to see a Jets-Steelers game. Eat that non-believers!

[AFPheonix]

Some people just don't have the testicular or ovarian fortitude to face their problems. It sucks for whoever they're needing to communicate to, but I typically won't hold it against them, and I do make an effort to make myself approachable if I get the feeling that there's something someone needs to talk to me about.
It's really a courage thing, and I don't blame people for being scared to do it.

[Rapscallion]

Wow, Raps, way to kill my hopes and dreams. How do you sleep at night?

With my eyes closed.

On a side note, she may be going back home with me to see a Jets-Steelers game. Eat that non-believers!

A sports fan, eh? She's either seen the light or genuinely likes sport. The former is more likely, in my experience.

RApscallion

[Greenday]

She's actually a Jets fan, which is a total bonus.

[NightAngel]

I'm a bit harsh about this stuff because I hate stupid games.

If you don't want to talk to, date, whatever someone you SHOULD tell them to their face. I think it's disrespectful and immature not to. It's wrong to make a third party get involved by being the messenger- frankly, at what point did any of this become the messenger's business? Also, what ever would make anyone think that I'd want that job is beyond me.

To Hell with that nonsense.

[Seshat]

It's also a cultural thing. In some cultures, direct speech is seen as boorish and rude; indirection is required, lest someone lose face over a matter.

I'm from a direct-speech culture myself, and have social awkwardnesses, so I find indirect speech incomprehensible. But I encounter it enough that I ended up researching it.

[Greenday]

I live in New Jersey, attitude capitol of the world. Come on, it's "New Jersey, where the weak are killed and eaten."