Grandpas!

[jackfaire]

I don't really hate grandpas but I hate the situation my mom tends to put me in. My mom has convinced my sister to let my mom's husband be called grandpa by her kids.

I won't let my daughter call her husband grandpa because he is not my dad. He will never be my dad and I don't want him to think he is my dad. That being said I tell my daughter about her real grandpa.

Now I understand my mom and her husband wanting him to get the designation but two things.

One when I ask that you stop trying to get my daughter to call him grandpa by introducing him as such every time you see her don't tell me that your just trying to let her know who he is. He is not grandpa he had no hand in raising me. Coming into my life when I am 27 gives him no right to consider himself my dad.

Two Don't get so butt hurt that your solution is to stop trying to see my daughter at all because after all if your husband can't be grandpa then he will be nothing at all (their words).

Seriously get over yourselves you can see my daughter at her birthday or not but do not presume you get to decide your designations when I want my daughter to remember her real grandfather.

[Boozy]

Two Don't get so butt hurt that your solution is to stop trying to see my daughter at all because after all if your husband can't be grandpa then he will be nothing at all (their words).

That would be exactly the level of maturity I'd expect to see from someone oblivious to their child's feelings.

I hate it when parents think they can marry whomever they want and that person will be immediately accepted as a parental figure in their child's lives. It's a very self-centred attitude, and I think it assumes that their child is not a real person capable of making their own choices, but just an extension of themselves. "If I love someone, my child must love him too."

I'm so fortunate that my divorced parents never did that, but I have several friends who were not so lucky.

[RavenStarr]

IMHO I think it should be the childs choice on whether they call a step relative Grandpa, Grandma, whatever. I think if they are comfortable doing so I see no harm.

[IDrinkaRum]

My dad's mom remarried when my dad was 15. She raised him alone from age 7. (Though he didn't really remember his bio dad in his life at all at any time).

I call my dad's step-father Grandpa. Even now, after Grandma's death. Even though Grandma was the glue that kept the family together. I even refer to him as my daughter's Great-Grandfather.

Yes, he's not my dad's bio dad. He didn't even help in raising my dad. (At 15, he was practically a man and went into the Service after graduating high school).

I wasn't given a choice whether or not to call Grandpa Grandpa. He was just simply Grandpa.

jackfaire - is your bio dad still around? If so, then yes, he is your daughter's bio grandpa. But your mother's husband is, technically, her Step-Grandpa (and your stepfather, even if he married your mom when you were 27).

Ask her how she feels about it. She might want to call this man her Grandpa (as many other children her age have a grandma and a grandpa and she wants to fit in).

[jackfaire]

IMHO I think it should be the childs choice on whether they call a step relative Grandpa, Grandma, whatever. I think if they are comfortable doing so I see no harm.

That is actually how it is. If my daughter chooses to call him Grandpa we will let her. My issue is them trying to get her to call him Grandpa.

If she feels that relationship with him great. Right now though they never see her and mostly through their choices.

[IDrinkaRum]

And that's sad. Who cares if she calls him "Great Jumping Jack"? As long as it's a name both are comfortable with.

My daughter, through watching "Ni Hao, Kai-Lan" has learned the word "ye ye" (pronounced Yeah Yeah) which in Mandarin Chinese is grandpa!

She does move between "Ye ye" and "Grandpa" but she prefers saying Ye ye. I think my FIL has gotten used to it, but the first time she said it, both FIL & MIL looked at me with WTF? faces. It was hilarious!

[RavenStarr]

That is actually how it is. If my daughter chooses to call him Grandpa we will let her. My issue is them trying to get her to call him Grandpa.

If she feels that relationship with him great. Right now though they never see her and mostly through their choices.

This is exactly how it should be. She should only call him Grandpa because she wants to not because she has to.

BTW you inspired me to start a thread in social woes. Its about my son calling his neighbor "Grandpa" Check it out.

[HYHYBT]

I'm not sure why the need to explain to a very young child that the husband of Grandma isn't "really" Grandpa. Well, explain, yes, but constantly reinforcing "he's not really" or not seeing them as much over it seems to me to be as petty as their insisting he be called Grandpa.

Could you possibly work out some other, similar term if you really want to save "Grandpa" only for your dad? For example, my brother's family worked out in advance what everyone would be called, and it works fine. The kids have Papa and Grandma on their mom's side, and Grandpa, Nana (our stepmom) and Gramma Viv (Mom's name being Vivian) on this side. Everybody has a separate name they're happy with, and all worked out by the adults before the first grandchild was born to avoid any possible argument or confusion later.

[jackfaire]

I'm not sure why the need to explain to a very young child that the husband of Grandma isn't "really" Grandpa. Well, explain, yes, but constantly reinforcing "he's not really" or not seeing them as much over it seems to me to be as petty as their insisting he be called Grandpa.
.

Actually we have never explained or reinforced to her. None of us have said anything to my daughter about who he is to her. We made the request of my mom that she not push my daughter to refer to him as grandpa.

My daughter on her own has never used that term for him. If she does it will be her choice. No one is telling her not to do it we just want her to decide for herself.

On my side I do have a small issue with my mom constantly bad mouthing my dad to me and pointing out how her current husband is so much better. This is part of my issue with it.

My mom wants to basically pretend my dad never existed. I want my daughter to know who it was that took care of her mom and her when I was in Basic and couldn't be there for them.

[HYHYBT]

Oh, that's different. Sorry.

[jackfaire]

Oh, that's different. Sorry.

No apologies necessary I understand where you were coming from.

[IDrinkaRum]

Have you tried explaining to your mom that if she continues to think husband #1 (who, I'm assuming is your biological dad) doesn't exist that means you don't exist and to that extent your daughter doesn't exist? Let her chew on that for a while. If she's too dense to comprehend that, draw some maps or graphs or something.

Yeah ... My grandmother was the same way with my dad's bio dad. (First we got a story of his dad dying in a car accident. However, after his mother's death, my dad had a memory of going to Mexico once with his mom - at a time when Mexican divorces were relatively easy to do - but she never discussed my dad's bio dad after that - said she didn't want to hurt step-grandpa's feelings ).

If your daughter doesn't call your mom's 2nd husband grandpa, what does she call him, "hey you"? Just wondering. Have you talked to her about it? And maybe your mom refers to hubs #2 as "Grandpa" because she's at a loss to what to call him in front of your daughter? Maybe he's told your mom in private that he doesn't want your daughter calling him by his first name?

[jackfaire]

If your daughter doesn't call your mom's 2nd husband grandpa, what does she call him, "hey you"? Just wondering. Have you talked to her about it? And maybe your mom refers to hubs #2 as "Grandpa" because she's at a loss to what to call him in front of your daughter? Maybe he's told your mom in private that he doesn't want your daughter calling him by his first name?

She calls him by his name. Honestly I think he would be ecstatic if I called him Dad but it's never going to bloody happen.

Seeing as everyone else calls him by his name I think he can deal. No it's my mom wants to replace my dad. He also wants to step in and take my dad's place.

That is my choice to make not his. If my mom had her way I would be deferring to her in all of my decisions and my life goal would be to give her money and take care of her like my dad did so that she can coast through life never having to work for herself.

Both of them claim they are mentally incapable of holding jobs and they leech off tax payers. I have no respect for either of them.

I try not to let this color my daughter's perception of them but if he wants to be grandpa then he takes part in her life and actually earns the title otherwise they can both shut up and not force a relationship on her that they have no actual interest in working at.