One more time....

[DrFaroohk]

I find myself torn in this situation. I ask the boy to stop playing with whatever he's playing with or doing whatever he's doing. I say "Stop it. Leave it alone." Because he shouldn't be playing with it or doing it. Then he'll look right at me and defiantly and do it one more time.

One the one hand, this is blatant disrespect and has no place in the home. He's openly defying an authority and doing so with full consciousness of what he's doing. It's not even just "I really want to touch it one more time" it's more like "Fuck you."

On the other hand, it really doesn't matter. Whatever the real problem was, it's over with now, and the last "one more time" was just to try and push my buttons and it's not really important. I accomplished what I set out to do, which was get him to put the knife down or stop screeching at the top of his lungs or whatever it was he was doing wrong.

So I feel torn between these two points of view and always wonder what to do.

[gremcint]

You told him to stop he didn't. When he does that "one more time" then he just earned himself a punishment, eventually he'll try for 2 times.

[Gerrinson]

Punishment may work. Its a tough call though, because it depends on how smart and/or stubborn the kid is.

I was both smart and stubborn. What worked best with me was telling my why I should/shouldn't do XYZ.

I've taken both approaches with children and found that, generally, once they know I'm serious about punishment (i.e. I never make empty threats) then they quickly warm up to reason. And, after a while, they start reasoning for themselves. For the most part, it leads to kids behaving very well for me when they don't obey anyone else.

There are a few exceptions, like my niece, who is simply evil incarnate. Short of a imprisonment, I doubt there is anyone or anything who will actually be able to control her short of just giving in to her every whim. Which just serves to keep her quiet for a bit while reinforcing her bad behavior.

[DrFaroohk]

Haha explaining things doesn't really work. Before I had kids I was like "I'm gonna be one of those cool parents, I'm NEVER gonna say 'because i said so', I'm gonna be cool and actually talk and explain things to my kids!"

So its like this: "You can't jump up and down on the floor because the floor is old and it might break."

"But I'm just liiiiiiiiiitttle! I won't break it."

"You could break it. You jump up and down a lot on it, the floor is old, it could very easily break. It's old."

"But I'm liiiiiittle! It won't break."

"Yes it will. So stop jumping on it. If it breaks and you fall through, you could get hurt."

"awwwwww but I'm tooooouuuuugh! I won't get hurt!"

"Yeah you will, and there's rats and spiders and pedophiles living under the floor, so its extra scary."

"But I'm just liiiiiiittle it won't break!"

[jackfaire]

Oh god yes the explaining things dream. I thought it would be so bloody easy. Then I realized that kids lack bloody logic.

[McDreidel09]

Unfortunately, DrFahrook, just telling the kid to cut it out may not work anymore. You may have to remove him from the situation and use punishment for defying an authority figure. Childhood is when one learns about authority figures. Be one and punish him for defying.

As I understand, he is your stepson,yes?

[KitterCat]

Different things work on different kids. And to complicate things even more the same thing may not work every time for the same kid. Dame it why cant kids come with instruction manuals?

DrFaroohk, if talking to your kid doesn’t work and he’s being openly defiant punish him with a different method. Take something away, ground him, time out, heck if it’s the only thing that works give the kid a spanking. From the description of him picking up a knife or screaming at the top of his lungs I’m guessing that he’s pretty young. Now is the time to figure out what works before he starts figuring out how to manipulate you. And he will figure it out.

I’ve got a two year old who’s already figured out how to manipulate strangers by flirting with them. If a two year old can figure out giving a woman a smile while batting their eyelashes and tilting their head down will get them what they want, an older kid is going to be worse. I dread the day when he starts dating.

Depending on how he’s acting and what he’s doing depends on how I punish him. He’s figured out how to reach things on higher bookshelves by pushing things to step on against him. So I yell at him “No” and will take the toy he’s using as a stepstool away for a while. If he tries with another toy I yell “No” again, take the toy away and give his tosh a whack. If he tries again we go through the steps and he gets put in time out for 5 minutes. Eventually he figures out mommy means it when she doesn’t want him climbing the bookcases to get things higher up. At this point I don’t have to go through that particular song and dance.

If he’s your stepson do you have the Dad/your husbands backing when it comes to punishments?

[DrFaroohk]

lol, I must sound like woman when i post. I AM the husband. He's my wife's son.

I grew up in a step family, and I saw what a touchy situation it all was. My dad and stepmom eventually just had to reach an agreement where neither one is allowed to even hint at anything negative about the other's children. They couldn't help but fight and argue about it. "Your son needs to start paying his own way." "Well your son doesn't!" "That's because my son is 15, yours is 29!"

So I'm naturally paranoid about overstepping my bounds. Sometimes if he's acting way up and my wife just can't deal, I'll step in and just take charge and say "This is how is it now." And deal with it. And I can tell her feathers get ruffled a little bit. Not even meaning to, just a natural thing I guess.

Ah well, he already manipulates us.

[McDreidel09]

Well, seeing as he is your stepson, it may be difficult for him. Take it from me. I was a stepdaughter not once, but twice. It really is a hard thing for a child, especially one so young to comprehend.

Maybe you should go do something with him, spend a bit of bonding time with him? Even if it is going outside to barbecue in the summer time or taking a walk outside. Those are ways that I bonded with my stepdads.

[IDrinkaRum]

This reminds me of not last night, but the night before. I had to take away:

1 Care Bears dvd
1 Tambourine
1 Blue Gameboy Advance

I had to lock the them up on Wednesday night. All day yesterday, Child Rum kept on asking and asking and asking for it. I told her no. I explained to her why I took them away. Then I told her that if she did be quiet and stopped shouting, her ears would fal off and Nana Rum would have to sew them back on.

Ahem ...

Yes ... I did get desperate. However, she's watching the dvd now as I type it and she's sooo happy to have her dvd back she's doing exactly as I asked her.

Now ... what wa the ramblin about?

Yes ... You might have to take away privledges/items/etc. before he understands consequences.

[DrFaroohk]

Yeah that doesn't work so well either, because it just escalates and he can push it farther than I can. I take away toy A, then he throws monster fit, which results in losing toy B, which creates an even larger fit, so now we've lost toy C, and suddenly, there's still a fit, but no more toys to take away. Now what? There's always the "distraction", like doing something fun with him to keep him from throwing monster fits, but that just lets him know that "Hey, when I throw these monster fits, I get to do something fun immediately afterwards!"

[IDrinkaRum]

I either take toys which I did the other night (and she has plenty of toys to take away). Or I make her sit down and count to 100. By the time she's at 100, she's forgotten what it was she was mad about.

Could you try that? It's my own version of time out. As she gets older, she'll count to higher numbers of course. And if she doesn't want to do the counting or she starts shouting and talking really quickly, I saw "Is that how you do it for Ms. Teacher?" Then she calms down, re-starts the counting.

[crashhelmet]

It'll continue to grow until they learn that you are in charge. My parents were different than most. My dad was a Marine Corps Drill Instructor. My mom was the daughter of a Marine. We didn't get away with shit. I take that back. My little sister did. She was the baby of the family and "daddy's little girl." She got away with murder.

In our house, it wasn't a single toy that was taken away. It was every single one of them. Our toybox was a military issue footlocker, padlock and all. My dad once threatened to throw everything in the trash if I didn't have my room cleaned when he got home from work. I called his bluff and woke up the next morning on my bedroom floor. Everything in my room was out on the curb waiting for the garbage men to pick up. I had to get it and move it all back in to my room before I left for school, and couldn't be late. Thankfully, I only lived a few blocks from the school.

The best way for a kid to learn discipline is to teach them discipline. They need to learn Newton's Third Law of Motion. "For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction." This should apply to both good and bad. Praise and/or reward when deserving and punish when needed.

CH

[McDreidel09]

Yeah that doesn't work so well either, because it just escalates and he can push it farther than I can. I take away toy A, then he throws monster fit, which results in losing toy B, which creates an even larger fit, so now we've lost toy C, and suddenly, there's still a fit, but no more toys to take away. Now what? There's always the "distraction", like doing something fun with him to keep him from throwing monster fits, but that just lets him know that "Hey, when I throw these monster fits, I get to do something fun immediately afterwards!"

Timeout was usually effective when I was younger. Except, I didn't go to the corner. I had to sit at the kitchen table with my head down, so I don't get distracted by anyone or anything. As I got older, things would get taken away. As I went into my teenage years, it was losing privileges such as being able to go out, having friends over, car usage, cellphone usage,etc.

I've learned through much observation and practice, that just saying "Hey cut that out," does NOT work unless the child is already well behaved. With my sister, I was able to tell her to stop and she would. Other children I had to baby-sit, I had to physically remove them from the situation and make them sit at the kitchen table for x amount of minutes (usually it was a minute per year, so 6 minutes if the child was 6 years old). However, I had one power that parents don't have. I could give them the fear of their parents coming home and finding out that they were naughty.

[jackfaire]

I made a nephew of mine do situps and pushups as a punishment he got so into doing them he forget about misbehaving and started wanting to do more.