Fear and Choices

[jackfaire]

I am gay. I spent most of my life to this point either oblivious or aggressivly running from this fact.

I have a failed marriage that failed for mundane reasons. I have a daughter I love. I have dated a few girls here and there.

I have been so bloody terrified of what I am. When I was a kid in the 80's being gay meant you were the pedophile on the corner.

Being a teen in the 90s that hadn't improved by much. When I realized I was at least bi I only came out to one person in my Senior year because all I could think about was the then recent deaths of gay teens.

I am finally accepting who and what I am. It's hard though I spent so long building in my mind this image of how I was "supposed" to be. The catalyst was catching up with an old friend a girl that knew me back when I was first stepping out into the world.

I dated her for a couple of months. I have realized dating her I was forcing myself not just to be straight but that I was so desperate to be straight I was going to leave the city I love to be with her so that I could be someone else.

I am finally accepting that I can't run. I can't change. I can't be some guy from hoboken. I gotta be me.

I am bloody terrified. I turn 30 this year and lived through a lot of adventures. My life hasn't even started yet. I have spent the last 5 years hiding in my apartment getting more and more distant from the outside world. Now I have to step out there and I am bloody terrified.

Sorry for the rant.

[HYHYBT]

Except for the part about dating girls and marrying, this seems very familiar

[powerboy]

Congratulations on finally accepting what and who you are.

[Vagabond]

This is probably not good advice, but it's worked for me...
Don't be terrified of the world, make the world be terrified of you.

(Maybe doesn't apply in your case, but helped me get over my fear of the dark when I was young.)

[jackfaire]

(Maybe doesn't apply in your case, but helped me get over my fear of the dark when I was young.)

I used the jumping into the bed and covers yanked over my head method of bravery.

[Lace Neil Singer]

This is probably not good advice, but it's worked for me...
Don't be terrified of the world, make the world be terrified of you.

(Maybe doesn't apply in your case, but helped me get over my fear of the dark when I was young.)

Worked for me. I went thru a stage of being a nasty bitch, on the basis that it was better to attack than defend; years of bullying saw to that.

Now tho, I prefer to show a different face... but woe betide anyone who attacks me now.

[jackfaire]

Worked for me. I went thru a stage of being a nasty bitch, on the basis that it was better to attack than defend; years of bullying saw to that.

Now tho, I prefer to show a different face... but woe betide anyone who attacks me now.

Being smart as a kid I was always considered different and got bullied for it. This is a whole other level of different.

[Vagabond]

Jackfaire:
1. I wasn't allowed to jump into my bed - waterbed, big no-no.
2. I had stuffed animals to protect me; and used the covers pulled up to my neck!
- I needed them, the door to the attic was in the corner of my room! Vampires were up there - I knew it, and my room was the only way out of the attic.

[jackfaire]

Jackfaire:
1. I wasn't allowed to jump into my bed - waterbed, big no-no.
2. I had stuffed animals to protect me; and used the covers pulled up to my neck!
- I needed them, the door to the attic was in the corner of my room! Vampires were up there - I knew it, and my room was the only way out of the attic.

1) Always wanted a waterbed until I slept in one.

2) Victorian style?

[Vagabond]

Jackfaire:
I didn't sleep through the night until I had a waterbed. Now I have a regular mattress type bed and well, it suffices. Good thing about my waterbed, it went all the way to the floor - I never worried about monsters under the bed, that is where my dresser drawers were.
Victorian style? No, more of a design issue. Door opened to staircase going up to attic. That door just happened to be in my bedroom. I could be unsure of what you mean by Victorian style.

[jackfaire]

Jackfaire:
I didn't sleep through the night until I had a waterbed. Now I have a regular mattress type bed and well, it suffices. Good thing about my waterbed, it went all the way to the floor - I never worried about monsters under the bed, that is where my dresser drawers were.
Victorian style? No, more of a design issue. Door opened to staircase going up to attic. That door just happened to be in my bedroom. I could be unsure of what you mean by Victorian style.

Tower bedroom attatched to the Attic above the second floor. My dream room. I always wanted one.

[Vagabond]

No. Not a tower bedroom. Bedroom just on second floor. Adjacent to the stairs that came from the ground floor the 2nd floor, so stairs to attic above those stairs.
Never thought about a tower bedroom. Hmmm. I've always imagined having a bedroom on the ground floor, cuz I'm lazy.

[Peppergirl]

I have a failed marriage that failed for mundane reasons. I have a daughter I love. I have dated a few girls here and there.

Well, to be fair (to yourself, too) - your marriage would have failed eventually under the weight of your not allowing yourself to be you. Mundane or not, it couldn't have survived after awhile.

A guy I grew up with joined the military, married and had a kid, then realized he was gay and divorced her. He got custody of his son and has a great boyfriend and they're raising him. It hasn't been easy, but he's SO much happier and content now that he's being his real, true self.

I'm happy for you, Jack. Self-discovery is a great thing. And admitting it to yourself and getting out there and discovering things as the 'new' you is a chance for new discoveries and adventures.

Good luck!

[Lace Neil Singer]

Being smart as a kid I was always considered different and got bullied for it. This is a whole other level of different.

I understand that; just saying that being always on the attack does NOT work.

[jackfaire]

I understand that; just saying that being always on the attack does NOT work.

Oh I know. I am pretty laid back at life. Sometimes I am envious of the people younger than me that seem to trip over eachother on the way out of the closet and had shows like Will and Grace, Dawson's Creek etc make them mainstream instead of something shameful to be hidden.