Me

[Nyoibo]

Ok, so I deleted this and pasted it back about 3 times before I decided to post it, the rum hasn't quite worn off yet, so the booze won.

Or more to the point the fact that I can only admit to some things while drunk, or that I can't admit to them when I'm not, not quite sure which. Now to admit to some so that tomorrow, or more precisely later today I can look at them and go "Why did I say that?"

Ok, here goes, bare with me.

That I should have told my best friend that I have feelings for her long before now, even if it is too late now considering that she has a boyfriend and that I probably shouldn't have agreed to move to Canada with her later this year.

That I keep showing this happy well adjusted side to everyone even though my depression is getting worse all the time, which is ironic given I'm qualified in "communication and counselling" and did one of my major assignments on dealing with and treating depression.

That if my life is still like this by the time I'm 30 I don't intend to live until I'm 31, that I honestly don't see the point in extending a life that is nothing but dissapointment and loneliness for another 30+ years after that.

That when this bottle of rum (that I drank alone and will now hide from my parent) has worn off I'll go back to my "normal" life because I don't want to burden my mother with this and apart fomr her I really doubt anyone of my friends would really give a shit about how I feel.

Honestly I just needed to get thie out, thanks to the anonymity of the internet I can do it without having to actually make myself vunerable to anyone I have to face in my life.

[DrFaroohk]

Sounds like you might need a little more help than a bottle of rum. Kinda like I need more help than a bag of weed...lol...seriously though, have you tried actually talking to someone about it? Not a friend or a relative, but actually some real counseling? I know its not the most attractive idea, and it is hard to admit to a lot of the things you're feeling, but taking that first step and getting into the office and just spilling your guts and getting that shit out in the open where you can really deal with it might help immensely.

[powerboy]

I think that you seriously need help, if you are considering killing yourself.

[Kimmik]

Hun we can never heal ourselves. No matter what training we have had. Talk to someone.. it doesn't have to be a friend but please do talk to someone. you made a reference to killing yourself.. please think of what it will do to those you leave behind..

I know that life can suck a big green donkey dick at times.. I have had 2 failed marriages by the time I was 25, one to a physically abusive man, the next to an emotionally abusive, I held my son as he gasped for breath.. and died in my hands.. I know the pain that a sucky life can bring.. but quitting is not the answer... as corney as this sounds it is the little things in life that make it worth while.. the snow flake on the nose... the small bloom that peeks through the fallen leaves... Please talk to someone.. anyone.. no life is worthless.. and no pain is unbearable.

[Nyoibo]

have you tried actually talking to someone about it? Not a friend or a relative, but actually some real counseling?

Once or twice, but I don't trust people enough to open up about this stuff and there's nothing they can really do anyway.

you made a reference to killing yourself.. please think of what it will do to those you leave behind..

I have, long and hard, the only person who'd really be affected by it would be my mother and once she got over it she'd be better off.

but quitting is not the answer... as corney as this sounds it is the little things in life that make it worth while..

You have to started something to quit it. Now days there's nothing that I do that I get any enjoyment from that doesn't leave me feeling worse after, eveny the little things.

[elsporko]

Instead of getting drunk and crying to the internet why don't you actually do something to improve your life? You like somebody? Go tell them. She might have a boyfriend but maybe she likes you more then she likes him. Have clinical depression? Go to the doctor and get some pills. Chances are once you get yourself balanced you'll wonder why you wasted so much time being sad. You think your a burden to your mother? Then get a job and an apartment and move out.

The impression I get is that you view yourself as some sort of failure. Well if you kill yourself then you are a failure. That is the only way a person can be a failure because otherwise they always have a chance to achieve something. You won't achieve anything in life however if you spend your time bawling on the internet about how bad your life is.

[Boozy]

You won't achieve anything in life however if you spend your time bawling on the internet about how bad your life is.

I suppose, in your own way, you were trying to help Nyoibo. But I think this is a bit too much "tough love".

There's nothing wrong with sharing your fears and worries with friends. Nyoibo has been around Fratching long enough to get to know us and trust us, and we should feel flattered that she considers us confidantes.

[Kimmik]

I have, long and hard, the only person who'd really be affected by it would be my mother and once she got over it she'd be better off.

I can almost say for a certain that she wont be better off and there is no getting over it hun. I watched the devastation that my step-brother suicide caused my dad. To this day it is not uncommon to catch him crying over a photo, or get misty eyed at a memory. The folks left behind wonder were we failed what we missed and how we could and should have done things differently and better.

You do make a difference in this world even if you don't see it. One person that comes into contact with you could have their lives changed in that instant. Please hun seek someone to talk to.. there are medications and programs that really do help.. the scars on my body prove that there is help out there.. and we never no what the future may bring.

[jackfaire]

Believe me you may not see it but you are someone's George Bailey

[Nyoibo]

Instead of getting drunk and crying to the internet why don't you actually do something to improve your life? You like somebody? Go tell them. She might have a boyfriend but maybe she likes you more then she likes him. Have clinical depression? Go to the doctor and get some pills. Chances are once you get yourself balanced you'll wonder why you wasted so much time being sad. You think your a burden to your mother? Then get a job and an apartment and move out.

The impression I get is that you view yourself as some sort of failure. Well if you kill yourself then you are a failure. That is the only way a person can be a failure because otherwise they always have a chance to achieve something. You won't achieve anything in life however if you spend your time bawling on the internet about how bad your life is.

These will be addressed in random order, so bare with me.

I don't just spend my time bawling on the internet, in fact I hardly ever do it, I'm out 5 nights a week training and/or gaming.

Getting a job and an apartment sound like a good idea, except that I've been out of the workforce for so long it's almost impossible for me to get a job and any I do get will more than likely not be enough to be able to afford to move out, top that off with the fact that I have a dog, 3 cats and 3 horses, finding a place to rent is basically impossible, believe me, I've looked.

No, she doesn't, she doesn't even think of me like that.

Drugs are bad m'kay and apart from "been there, done that, got the t-shirt" didn't help. It's also not as easy as just going to the Dr. and getting some pills.

One of the problems I have is this annoying little thing called anhedonia, I don't get pleasure from things that I do, so all the things I do, like working out, training, catching up with friends, it all just feels like going through the motions.

[RavenStarr]

Hi, I know I don't know you, but I just want to say there is NOTHING worth killing yourself.

I read somewhere that * A suicide dies once, those left behind die a thousand deaths trying to understand why.

[NateSean]

All right, I'm going to chime in.

Because sometimes, lately especially, I too consider spending my last fifty dollars on the biggest bottle of cogniac I can find along with a bottle of Tylenol PM and playing the counting game.

The reason I have not done this is not because of the "people I would leave behind". Frankly I care more about them than they care about me. If I died right now I'd barely be a blip on their radar and that's the truth, but I'll get to that in a moment.

The biggest reason I have not taken my own life is because I don't have the balls to. In spite of what some people say, I think it takes an extraordinary act of strength to end one's own life. They say most people who make the attempt wish they hadn't done it, and if they're telling someone it's usually a cry for help anyhow. Rest assured that if I was going to do it I wouldn't tell anyone because I know what it's like to have something I've said used to make my life miserable.

Now, on the myth of people I left behind.

There's only one person who would cry over me being gone and that is my little sister. She would be shaken up, but only until my mother started trash talking me again in front of everyone. Because in my mom's eyes she can do no wrong but everyone else can and she uses every opportunity to break them down, especially to her children.

So, I'm going to live long enough so that my sister gets a chance to hear my side of allll of the bullshit that she has been told and is going to be told in the time I'm not with her.

Secondly, any bills I haven't paid off are going to be sitting there until some bill collecter traces my mother through my social security number. Then they're going to make their life miserable, thus making, tada, my little sister miserable.

My little sister is the only person I care about hurting. Ever. I won't give anyone else the satisfaction of coming to my funeral (if there even is one) so they can share a bunch of BS stories about how well we got along. Not going to happen.