I Changed, I'm Better Than You

[blas87]

I understand that to anyone who reads my posts on CS enough, ya'll may now think of me as a raving hypocrite, because I just posted a few months ago (My Past Is Back To Haunt Me in Off Topic) about how I have changed and matured over the past few years and how some guys I used to know and associate with keep popping up and try to rile me up and I have to keep reminding them that I have changed.

But please, hear me out. I am willing to take that risk.

The other night at work, I ran into a guy that I used to hang out with and date when I was much younger, in high school, before the big move when I was 16 to a new town and school.

He used to be a real pothead, somewhat of a drinker, a smoker, a pill popper, all that good stuff. Experimented a lot with that stuff. Some heavy stuff, even meth for a while (although this was AFTER I left, I only ever knew of the pot when we dated, he explained this to me as we were working together and catching up).

He also used to curse, like most people do. He came from a very religious family, but wasn't very interested in it himself. He also was sexually active and all that jazz.

After I moved, he got into the heavier drugs and hit the alcohol harder and started getting in trouble.

As you'd expect, a few years later, he hit rock bottom and actually went into treatment, got help, it worked, and now he's a new person.

That would be fine and dandy. I am proud of him. Except I don't especially like the person he has become now.

Don't get me wrong. I am GLAD he is clean. I am glad he is also a more stable, committed man to his girlfriend and a good father to his kids that he's had.

I don't exactly like that since he somehow "found" God throughout his treatment, that now he's almost what I'd call a fundie, and he openly preaches to people. His exact reason for wanting full custody of his children was because the mother isn't religious enough, and he wants his kids to grow up with a healthy relationship with God. Ok, maybe some of you are rolling your eyes and may want to stab me, because I'm a Christian and not afraid to admit I believe in God and am one of his children.....but I tend to keep to myself about that stuff, especially at work.

I also know that I can be a dirty little pervert at work and that can be even more inappropriate than preaching about God to your coworkers, and two wrongs don't make a right, but it made me a little uncomfortable that he was getting so into the religion and people around us were starting to listen in and give funny looks. Not in the sense that I worry what others think, but I am worried he may get in trouble for that kind of talk at work. He is on the right track in getting a good job, I'd be afraid he'd get in trouble over the eavesdroppers and other nosey Noras at work, like what happens to so many others.

What kind of gets me is that I got the sense that he thinks he's better than some others nowadays, because he no longer swears at all. In fact, he even told me NOT to swear, because it OFFENDS him.

Look, I have changed my ways in other aspects, but I don't take offense when people say certain things, as long as the person isn't insinuating I am still the girl I used to be. I don't trash talk or openly judge girls who sleep around or don't think much of themselves. I don't think I am better than anyone because I managed to grow up and be a better adult when I was still a young adult. I don't hold myself up higher than others. He seems to.

I'm not really sure what to think. Does anyone get where I am coming from?

[Hobbs]

I get you. He's under the whole notion that being "saved" automatically makes him better. I wonder if he's read the part about noticing the sawdust in someone's eye, but not the piece of wood in his own eye.

The only real thing I agree with/object with you on, is the part about his discussion of religion at work. It seems hypocritical that this could endanger his job, while you "...can be a dirty little pervert at work..." and not be threatened as well.

[KitterCat]

I don't exactly like that since he somehow "found" God throughout his treatment, that now he's almost what I'd call a fundie, and he openly preaches to people.

I'm not really sure what to think. Does anyone get where I am coming from?

I’ve never understood the “born again” culture. Like you, I’ve come across a couple of them and they always seem to think that spreading ones religion means that they are now better than anyone else who isn’t part of their “club” and it gives them the right to try and jam their message down your throat in order to “save” you. I’ve just started calling them what they are- religious zealots and try to stay away from them.

Its great that he’s turned his life around, and if religion is what helped him do that wonderful. He does need to realize however that he’s turning some people off by constantly spouting his new doctrine. If he really wants to recruit the best way is to simply set an example.

[smileyeagle1021]

Blas, you have just described the reason why gay people HATE ex-gay people. It's not that we have anything against someone deciding that they can change their orientation, all the more power to you if you think you can pull that off. What we all hate is exactly what Blas has described, they treat any person who hasn't attempted to change their orientation, those of us who are comfortable with who we are, like we are obviously just weak and inferior. I have actually met an ex-gay who has advocated laws against homosexuality to force more people to follow the ex-gay path (much like many born agains see it as appropriate to force others to become born again).

[Rapscallion]

Sounds to me like religion helped him, but he's now desperate to hold on to it as a crutch. Same with the others - ex-smokers are often regarded as the most sanctimonious anti-smokers out there for a reason.

It's human nature. Not exactly pleasant.

Rapscallion

[Amanita]

I've got a friend like this- only instead of religion, he found the military. I'm happy for him because he hs found something that he loves, he's in the best shape he's ever been in and loves it, and it's been a major boost to his self esteem.

However, there's a shadow-side to all of this good stuff. He feels that because he found what he wanted to do and got his shit together, then everybody else needs to, as well. He has lost any and all sympathy for those less fortunate than him, who are in unhappy life or work situations.
He's taken to calling just about everybody either "shitpumps" or "gagglefucks". Shitpumps being those who aren't completely self sufficient or who he percieves as mooches- Anyone on any form of social assistance falls into this category. And gagglefuck denotes anyone who doesn't have their shit together as well as he thinks they should, or anyone whose problems are beneath him.

I hope this is just a phase he's going through- please tell me this isn't the standard military way of thinking- the contempt he has developed for civilians scares me! Especially considering I'm a prime target- overweight and working a crummy job.

[Hobbs]

Well, there has always been a slight contempt for civilians in the military...I think it stems mostly from the 1960's and 1970's, when civilians thought of the military as stupid, programmed robots etc. I know some people like that, but part of our training is to respect and support the civilian establishment.

On another note, I don't like people that aren't self-sufficient either(people who can't cook, sew, etc). But it looks like he's making character judgments without knowing whether or not they are self-sufficient or not. Also, sometimes when I read CS stories, I can get that little feeling of better-ness[sic] though I realize it's wrong and I don't think I'm better than any CSers.

[blas87]

I would just like to say, I never said it was ok that I can be dirty minded and it's not ok that he speaks of religion at work. Neither are ok to talk about, and I have been really, really watching myself lately, especially after we just had ANOTHER sexual harrassment workshop for the year.

I admitted that I can be that way and do occasionally do it, but I keep my audience in mind and always watch for eavesdroppers if I am joking with a friend. I would never speak about something dirty or sexual around an entire production area, the way he was speaking of religion. That's just asking to be sent to HR.

[Hobbs]

Okay, the way it is in the original post seems different.

I have a SARC briefing the week before Spring Break, how do you think I feel?

[HYHYBT]

I have actually met an ex-gay who has advocated laws against homosexuality to force more people to follow the ex-gay path (much like many born agains see it as appropriate to force others to become born again).

Which is funny, because even assuming for the moment that everybody should be born again, and that everybody can and should become straight if they're not already, both would be internal changes, completely beyond the reach of force. You can only force people to *act* straight or to *say* they're born again, which not only is meaningless but also makes it that much more difficult to know who still needs work.

Bold and italics so nobody takes me for actually holding this position.

[Tanasi]

I would just like to say, I never said it was ok that I can be dirty minded and it's not ok that he speaks of religion at work. Neither are ok to talk about, and I have been really, really watching myself lately, especially after we just had ANOTHER sexual harrassment workshop for the year.

I admitted that I can be that way and do occasionally do it, but I keep my audience in mind and always watch for eavesdroppers if I am joking with a friend. I would never speak about something dirty or sexual around an entire production area, the way he was speaking of religion. That's just asking to be sent to HR.

Blas think of it as he has a new toy that he is very proud of and he wants to show it off. He's new to the knowledge and hasn't learned all the rules especially the subtle. Christians especially those that are saved are charged with spreading the "Good News." It sounds to me as if he has a lot learn and not be unknowingly obniouxs about it. I also don't think that he thinks he's better than you, he knows he's still a sinner, he knows that everyone is a sinner but he also knows that he's forgiven. The knowledge of that forgives sometimes comes across as arrogence or smugness because it's a huge burden off of ones mind.
Please be patient with him and others as learn, one day he'll recognize the clue-by-four.

[Tanasi]

I've got a friend like this- only instead of religion, he found the military. I'm happy for him because he hs found something that he loves, he's in the best shape he's ever been in and loves it, and it's been a major boost to his self esteem.

However, there's a shadow-side to all of this good stuff. He feels that because he found what he wanted to do and got his shit together, then everybody else needs to, as well. He has lost any and all sympathy for those less fortunate than him, who are in unhappy life or work situations.
He's taken to calling just about everybody either "shitpumps" or "gagglefucks". Shitpumps being those who aren't completely self sufficient or who he percieves as mooches- Anyone on any form of social assistance falls into this category. And gagglefuck denotes anyone who doesn't have their shit together as well as he thinks they should, or anyone whose problems are beneath him.

I hope this is just a phase he's going through- please tell me this isn't the standard military way of thinking- the contempt he has developed for civilians scares me! Especially considering I'm a prime target- overweight and working a crummy job.

Can't say that I've ever heard those terms before but then again I've been out for 14 years so I'm sure a new term or twelve has been brought in. I've encountered this attitude a lot during my time especially amoungst the trigger pullers in the Army and Marine Corp. Unfortunately he really does have contempt not only for civilians but REMFs for the simple reason that they're not like him. What he has to learn is that he doesn't nearly have him stuff together as he thinks he does. Anyone that's been to see the elephant can tell you that. That being said trigger puller have to have their stuff together as much as possible because not only their life but their buddy's lives depend on it. The last thing a soldier, sailor, airman, marine, or coastie wants to do is let their buddies down, most would rather die.
Regardless of your situation I wouldn't expect to keep him as a close friend. Military folks are vey clanish and combat arms folks are also very cliqueish. It's hard to explain but the smaller your operational unit the more respect you're given. Special forces are few but are genuinelly BMFs whereas a PFC in most cases is just another leg. He could be a BMF but most likely hasn't proven himself.

Well, there has always been a slight contempt for civilians in the military...I think it stems mostly from the 1960's and 1970's, when civilians thought of the military as stupid, programmed robots etc. I know some people like that, but part of our training is to respect and support the civilian establishment.

On another note, I don't like people that aren't self-sufficient either(people who can't cook, sew, etc). But it looks like he's making character judgments without knowing whether or not they are self-sufficient or not. Also, sometimes when I read CS stories, I can get that little feeling of better-ness[sic] though I realize it's wrong and I don't think I'm better than any CSers.

Hobbs I think you nailed it. Post RVN lots of the military was really pissed off. They were blamed for and charged with loosing when it reality they didn't loose it was the civilian leadership and civilians in general that gave up. When we came home we didn't expect a lot but respect as a human being would have been nice but we received a lot of contempt from those that didn't or wouldn't serve their country. To tell the truth even in today's all volunteer military there's lots of contempt both ways, I think the military side of it is more subtle.

[Amanita]

The funny thing is- my friend's not going into the front lines as a trigger puller- he's Navy, Com-ops, to be exact.
Thing is, prior to this he was very murcurial- always changing his opinion about things. I wonder if he might be going through a phase- something about the zeal of the newly converted.

[Tanasi]

The funny thing is- my friend's not going into the front lines as a trigger puller- he's Navy, Com-ops, to be exact.
Thing is, prior to this he was very murcurial- always changing his opinion about things. I wonder if he might be going through a phase- something about the zeal of the newly converted.

A gung-ho deck-ape and not an operator at that. I'd just say he's an ass and be done with him. Unless he's exceptional very very few will be impressed with him as enlisted like him are a dime a dozen. My youngest brother had the same attitude until 90/91 when he found out his big brother knew what he was talking about.
I hope you friend never has to go see the elephant I'd dare say his laundry will suffer for it besides deck-apes in their cracker-jacks will stand out on the line.

[Amanita]

One thing about the Canadian Navy- we don't wear cracker jacks.
I'm waiting to see if my friend settles down- he seems to go through these gung-ho phases when he finds something new.
What does Go see the Elephant mean? That's one term I admit I don't know.