I'm Mad At You, But...

[blas87]

I'm not going to tell you about it. In fact, I am just going to sulk and ignore you and progressively get more angry with you until you mentally understand that I'm upset with you, and when you ask, I am going to tell you "You KNOW what you did!" (I have mentioned before how much I utterly HATE this, but now I finally have a story to illustrate why and how much). Then after a few minutes after you blankly stare at me, I am going to explode with "You did X and I specifially told you I HATE when people do that to me!" And then you will probably still be confused and ask what it was that upsets me so much or what you said, but I will just keep roaring at you and getting more upset and not tell you what was said.

This is what happened to me at work recently. I still have no idea in the effing world what the hell I said or did to this guy. For all I know, it could have been gossip from the typical nosy coworkers or something that was miscommunicated, or something taken completely out of context.

I know I should be the better person and quit letting it bother me, but I cannot figure out what the hell I said or did that made this guy so freaking upset, and for a few hours that night, all he did was glare at me and make rude comments after our confrontation. I even asked him "How can I know what upset you and how can I apologize and make it better if I don't even know what I said or did or if I even said or did it?" and he just turned his back and ignored me for several minutes.

To which point I was a little immature and stooped to his level and fired back with "And I have specifically told ALL OF YOU multiple times to not do X or Y to me, and you guys hop on lots of opportunities to do it to me, but at least I have the decency to let you know when you've crossed the line."

Still not a clue what I said or did.

[Hobbs]

I usually don't talk and ignore the topic when I initially get mad because I can lash out and say things I don't mean. I just tell people "nevermind" and let them keep asking until I'm ready to say it without being angry.

[jackfaire]

My response to people who refuse to ever tell me what I did wrong is to tell them then I must not have done anything wrong and I hope they have a nice day.

What they are doing is a passive aggressive tactic designed to ruin your day.

[MaggieTheCat]

Man, I hate this. The thing I hate most about it is that I sometimes do it to my husband. I was brought up in this environment; I can't tell you how many times my mom would get pissed at me or my brothers or my dad for something we said or did, but she would never tell any of us what it was. She'd sulk, sometimes for days, not speaking to anyone. It was worst when we didn't even know WHO she was mad at, we'd all be guessing, "Was it dad? Was it you? Was it me? We don't know!" She's never admitted that it's a "problem" (she always thinks she's right so she wouldn't think this is a flaw) but she has told me that her mother used to do this to her when she was a child, too, so it must run in the family.

I'm trying really hard to break the habit and I've gotten better since I moved in with my husband...sometimes I give him the silent treatment for a little while when I'm mad so I can think about why I'm really mad (instead of blurting out some garbbled mess) so then we can have a rational discussion about it in half an hour or an hour or whenever I get my thoughts straight.

[Fryk]

If someone pisses me off, I sorta do half of that. I do NOT pull the "You KNOW what you did argle blargle" crap, but I do shut off all possible contact and brood by myself for a while about it. BUT, after a little while, I'm over it and I slowly return things to normal. That's because with most of the people I know, trying to explain what they did that bugged me with usually evolve into a pointless argument, and I hate wasting my time with those.

[Greenday]

Any time I get that "You should know what you did wrong" bit, I tell them I'm not a mind reader so no, I don't know what they think I did wrong. And if they still refuse to tell me, I inform them it's obviously not that big a deal since they aren't talking about it and completely ignore the shit out of them which pisses these people off more than anything else.

[DrFaroohk]

I do that first part - I won't usually confront someone. I don't say "YOU KNOW WHY!!!!" because they don't. But sometimes i might be upset about something where the other person has some defenses against it - like they could say "Well that's none of your business." or "You have no right to bring that up!" Which sort of gives them "Ammo" for the coming argument.

However, if I just sulk, maybe cop a slight attitude, or just ignore them, and they ask me what's wrong, it removes that from the equation. They no longer have any "bullets", because they're the ones who brought it up.

I'm sure some people will say that's immature, it probably is, but that's how a lot of people are.

[Boozy]

I usually don't talk and ignore the topic when I initially get mad because I can lash out and say things I don't mean. I just tell people "nevermind" and let them keep asking until I'm ready to say it without being angry.

I can understand wanting to wait to talk about it, but don't you find it annoying to be asked constantly?

I just say to my husband, "We'll talk about this later. I'm too upset right now." That way he's not blind-sided when I come to him later with a greivance that happened hours ago (or even days) ago.

[Red Panda]

I think if the person says "You know why" then you should apologize for something that is completly absurd and obviously not the problem. For example

You: What's wrong

Them: You know what's wrong

You: Well I'm sorry I let my dog lick your tea kettle but there weren't any oranges in the freezer



That'll throw them off.

[Stormraven]

My response to that kind of thing has always been "I don't play those games. If you have a problem, tell me. If you refuse to tell me, I refuse to admit a problem."

[blas87]

I think to a certain point, almost everyone gets quiet or slightly moody or maybe even sulks when they are upset with someone, especially if that someone is nearby them.

However, I think it's totally immature and practically playing victim to pull the "You KNOW what you did!" routine. If you are lashing out and saying things like that, obviously you want attention (or rather, tension) and you want to make that person feel bad or reflect on anything they could have said or did that has upset you. Immature, uncalled for, totally soap opera melodrama that nobody needs to deal with.

If someone told me "I don't want to talk about it", I'd respect them, and not continue to ask. In fact, after this incident, ANY time someone does this to me ever again, I will not even ask or try to ponder what it was. That person wants attention and they are not going to get it. Come back and talk to me when you're a grown up.

[Rageaholic]

Ugh I hate that passive aggressive bullshit. It's one thing to be avoiding potential conflict, but it that's not the case with people who are showing that they hate your guts right now. That "You know what you did" sounds like a trick authority figures use to get people to confess what they did.

[Fryk]

Ok, how about we turn the topic on it's head?

What about those people who try to avoid and ignore out of a desire to not spark confrontation, but cab't because someone is following them around, badgering them.

"Whaaaaaaaaat??? What's wroooooooooooooong tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me TELL ME!!!!!!!!!!!"

Over and OVER and OVER until you just SNAP all over them?