Falling for someone you can't have

[LadyBarbossa]

Kind of a spin-off of this thread.

I have continued to work with this person, and while I do my best not to allow the 'warm fuzzies' to dominate me when I'm around him, I have come to care about him as at least a friend. I know he's a sweet person at heart, but he's done incredibly dumb things. I also know that he goes home on the weekends and drinks himself into numb oblivion, and I hate it. I hate how unhappy I know he really is, I hate that he chomps at the bit for the weekend to get here just so he can put away 30 beers between Friday night and Monday morning. I hate that I thought I found a nice person and he turned out to be a train wreck.

He still makes me laugh with his incessant teasing. I hate that I care about him so much when I know I can't fix him, when I know he's not even interested in a long-term relationship, his issues and baggage aside. I went out of my way today to tactfully avoid him without being rude, and we ran into each other even more than usual.

He made an offhand, joking comment that he might just go back to selling drugs if the store lays him off after remodel. I hope to God he's joking, since he seems too scared of going to prison to even talk much about drugs, but I wouldn't put it past him, either. He's going to wreck up his life even more and there's nothing I can do about it.

[Hobbs]

First off, thanks for the sig.

Secondly, I thought the OP would be a lot different from the title, but anywho...I know what it's like to pursue a love you can't have. It sucks, for sure but...the love I found in the process, I wouldn't trade for all the tea in China.

I had a coworker like that too. We'd joke and flirt all the time. Then I hit a brick wall when a coworker informed me she was married...and had kids. Still, sometimes I miss hanging out with her and joking around, y'know?

[guywithashovel]

I have been in this general type of situation many times before, though I've never been in your exact situation. In any sense, it really does suck. It's almost like seeing something in a store window that you know would make your life great in some way, but knowing that you'll never have enough money for it. Most single gals are out of my league, so yeah, I know what it feels like.

I don't mean to lament too much, though. I actually do enjoy being single, though I still hold out hope that there may be someone out there who fits me. In the mean time, I can take solace in the fact that there are two groups of women who like me:

1. Spoken-for women (i.e. ones married or in relationships)

2. Women old enough to be my mother.

For some strange reason, females in both of those groups just love me.

[HYHYBT]

None of them were drunks or had any problems of that kind, but I understand the title very well: everyone I've *ever* fallen for has been straight

Most annoying.

[jackfaire]

*nods* It also sucks when you could have had them but you missed your window.

On the lighter side of this I just found out that the actor who portrays one of my favorite characters (yes I know they are different people) is gay.

Please allow me my moment of gay

SQUUEEEEEEEEEEEE

Thank you that is all.

[Red Panda]

I don't get why you can't have him? If you actually care about him then the fact that he committed a crime wouldn't matter nor the fact that he enjoys drinking. Drugs and alcohol are victimless. If anything being with him might make him less bored so he drinks less.

[LadyBarbossa]

I don't think I can have him because if I enter a relationship, I'd like for it to be long term. He's been badly burned by his ex-wife (whom he regularly fantasizes about running over with his truck) and says the only way he'll do marriage again is if he wakes up from being drunk or high and finds the ring on his hand.

I have considered the fact that his drug arrest was a big mistake that he's made, but as Jester and others mentioned in my CS thread, would I really want to get involved with someone who has so recently had these issues? He's also posted status updates online about how he wishes he could 'run away to some place where no one knows him'.

Yes, I care about him. I absolutely want to help him. I realize that people can change. I'm often complimented on what a compassionate person I am, what a good attitude I have, etc. He treats me just a *little* bit differently than he does the rest of our little circle of friends, and I think he knows that we're from two entirely different walks of life, but he still hangs around me a lot, and talks to me like an actual person instead of treading eggshells lest he offend the innocent little religious girl. Just by watching his body language and the way he says certain things, I can tell he's a very lonely, unhappy person when it boils down to just him. Again, I'd love to help him, if only as a friend, but I can't deny I have strong feelings for him and I know that "I can change him!" are four very dangerous words.

[blas87]

Red Panda, I thought the way you are thinking right now when I first started dating my boyfriend. I knew what I was getting into with him, and I never tried to play the "with him to save him" routine, but there was some naivety in me to think that being with a really good girl would tame him a bit and get him to realize that he had been living the wrong life and there was so much more out there than drinking and drugs and always being in jail.

That was only somewhat true. I can't get him to quit fantasizing about his old life and all of his friends that he used to always get in trouble with. I can't stop him from wanting to always go back home and be with them and risk getting in trouble again and getting so drunk with them that something bad always happens (not always legal, just that someone ALWAYS ends up missing or lost or someone hospitalized or something important gets lost or stolen).

Maybe some people would agree with my bf's sentiments that I have destroyed his social life and taken him away from his friends, but I think he ruined his own life by doing what he used to do and continues to want to do. In fact, his own damn motto is "Zach* does what Zach wants!" and obviously he never lets anyone ever talk him out of anything. I have told him I'm not happy and don't want him to go, but he doesn't listen. That's hardly controlling at all.

All I wanted was to have a serious relationship and settle down and hoped that he'd want the same. He was badly burned as well by his last gf, and how I have zero chance of ever living with him because he's convinced he'll never get that serious with a girl ever again because we're all so damn "crazy". He has even called me crazy and psychotic, and I've never once followed him anywhere or ever tried to physically stop him from going out somewhere or call him a million times and I have never ever gotten physical with him in that way.

I don't mean to threadjack, but sometimes you can have someone you really do want, but they don't want you the same way or don't feel as deeply about you back.

It hurts and it sucks.

*= Alias to protect the asshole

[crashhelmet]

The best I can recommend is to continue being his friend and do what you can to show him that there is more than getting wasted on the weekends.

Most people like him are self-destructive like that because it blocks their acknowledgment of their own pain and/or depression. It sounds quite possible that it's the same for him.

Give him an ear and a shoulder. Get him to hang out outside of work doing things that will keep him sober, or at least less wasted for now. Help him come out of his shell. Things just might be different then.

CH

[blas87]

That's pretty good advice.

Also understand that if you were to persue things further with him, people with alcohol/drug dependency issues have a horrible habbit of blaming everyone and anyone else for their own problems, and that is not just limited to cops and judges and bosses. It could also be you. They also have a horrible habbit of needing to validate and justify themselves, so they are really good at making excuses. Lots of excuses.

Just know what you're getting into. There is nothing wrong with being a good person and a good friend, but realize the risks.

[Greenday]

I'm having dinner with the person I fell for that I can't have. Except her boyfriend is a loser, she knows it, and she doesn't want to stay with him. So it's just a matter of time. Plus it helps that her best friend agrees that this girl should date me instead of the loser. I hate the waiting game though.

It also doesn't help that she used to date a guy that at the time I considered my best friend. He transferred to another college and doesn't even try to contact me anymore. Doesn't answer texts or anything. His loss.

[blas87]

Greenday, don't even bother "waiting" for this girl. You will be wasting time that could spend on meeting a girl that is interested in YOU and only you.

[Boozy]

Someone I Can't Have = Everyone.

I'm married, and I have to say, it can be a struggle. I adore my husband, and I wouldn't leave him for anything. But even people in strong and loving marriages can have a wandering eye.

I'd advise against creating close friendships with people whom you might become interested in romantically. I have a long list of male friends, but I also have a long list of men whom I purposefully avoid. It's just easier in the long run.

Even if I did become close to someone I was attracted to, I still wouldn't cheat. But I figure, why put myself in that position? Who needs the angst?

[jackfaire]

I'd advise against creating close friendships with people whom you might become interested in romantically.

Well shit I am screwed because my tastes for both friends and romantic partners are the same. If they are a friend 9 times out of 10 I would date them too. I have the same standards for both.

[LadyBarbossa]

Well shit I am screwed because my tastes for both friends and romantic partners are the same. If they are a friend 9 times out of 10 I would date them too. I have the same standards for both.

I'm in the same boat. If I can't be someone's friend, than how could I possibly think about getting romantically involved with them? It's the reason I found this guy so damn attractive in the first place. I'd first noticed how easy on the eyes he was when I started the job, we shared a mutual friend, and he started talking to me a lot. He has kids aged 11 and 15, but absolutely never wants anymore, which is another plus for me, as I never plan on pushing out any of my own or becoming some guy's broodmare (I live in the south). I'd already fallen pretty badly for his good qualities before I found out he'd gotten himself probation for trafficking Vicodin and Rohypnol. Then I found out he really wasn't joking when he talked about going home Friday nights and getting trashed. Then I started to notice little things in his body language and facial expressions that give away how unhappy he really is.

I was off today, but in the store for weekly shopping (ugh) and I ran into him along with one of the women who leads store planning, who snapped me up to hang most of the signing during remodel and really likes my work. While I was getting her info in the case I ever needed a good job reference, she glanced sideways at the guy and told me in an undertone that she thinks the store is going to hire him on permanently. I hope so, for his sake, because I'm afraid getting let go will cause him to get a little depressed and I don't want him to drink or drug himself to death.

And then there's all the hell I'd get from my family if I did pursue this guy, even only as a friend. I was raised Baptist and I can't imagine the grief it'd cause if I came home with a first degree felon with alcohol and women issues