Being widowed...

[Ree]

So, as some may know, (especially those on my Facebook who may have read my messages), on Monday, it was 2 years since my husband's heart attack, and on Sunday, it will be 2 years since he passed.

All the books say grieving takes place over the first year, and then they add, but everyone has their own timetable. The thing is, I feel as if I am expected to adhere to that 1 year time frame, and the fact that I still grieve after 2 years makes me seem like I am wallowing in my misery instead of trying to move on.

I am at a difficult point.
If I show too much grief, I run the risk of having people roll their eyes and say, "Get over it already, woman. It's been 2 years."
If I act in ways that seem to show I am over him, I have people who seem to feel I have personally insulted their sensibilities because I am not supposed to act so casual about the death of a husband.

I am from a small town, and a lot of people knew my husband.
My personal life is, apparently, the subject of much conversation.

People have asked my daughter if I am dating.
I'm not, but if I was, it's none of their damned business.

I think I have come a long way in the grieving process. I think I have reached a point where I am not so heartsick and fragile as I once was.
There are still days when I sit and cry, or when I just want to lie in bed, but they are not every day.
I am always thinking about him, but it's now in a way that makes me treasure his memory instead of sobbing with sorrow that he's gone.

June is always going to be a tough month to get through, I think, because our wedding anniversary was June 7.
Next year, I think it will be especially difficult because there will be a sad reminder that we should have been celebrating 25 years of marriage.
Father's Day gets tossed in there, too.

Then, there is always going to be the third week of June, with all its daily reminders as I recall each day sitting in the hospital by his bed, praying and hoping he would recover.

So far, I have managed to book holidays from work each year so I don't have to deal with the crap and stress of the job while I get through this sad anniversary date.

Maybe there will come a time when I can't have a holiday in this week.
I don't know. I will deal with that when it comes.

The main thing is that I really wish I was not under the magnifying glass for so many people to pass judgment on how I should behave as a widow.

[Hobbs]

Small towns can suck like that. Being from the city, and not having lost a spouse, I can't imagine what that must be like. The closest I've come to is losing my grandparents. My grandfather died on Thanksgiving, and though the family goes through it normally...there are times we can sense that we're all thinking of him.

I don't think it's wrong to mourn; and I don't think there's a "time limit." I would point to the part you quoted as, "everyone has their own timetable." Also, I think my grandfather (who survived my grandmother) mourned her until he died.

[HYHYBT]

If I show too much grief, I run the risk of having people roll their eyes and say, "Get over it already, woman. It's been 2 years."
If I act in ways that seem to show I am over him, I have people who seem to feel I have personally insulted their sensibilities because I am not supposed to act so casual about the death of a husband.

As you say when you get to the subject of dating: "it's none of their damned business." Worrying about what other people think about your grief doesn't help anybody. And, as you say, you couldn't possibly please them all anyway.

Besides, the ones who expect you to get over things like that quickly are (it seems to me) essentially saying you shouldn't have cared so much for him in the first place. If they follow their own advice, then, they must have pretty meaningless lives. I feel sorry for them.

The main thing is that I really wish I was not under the magnifying glass for so many people to pass judgment on how I should behave as a widow.

That reminds me of a book. If you've never read "Cold Sassy Tree" (and chances are good you've never heard of it) you might want to give it a try. Early 1900's, set right around here actually, but what reminded me of it was that it starts off with the grandma dying, and though grandfather loved her dearly and was not unfaithful, he remarries as quickly as possible (I think the same week) rather than doing the official mourning period of 6 months or a year or whatever it was, and thereby scandalizes the whole town.

Not terribly relevant, I suppose...

[aurelemsrealm]

Ree, sorry about the loss of your husband. As I don't know you, I can't say anything other than that. I think that's sufficient, though. However, it sounds like you shared a lot of history with him. It's only natural that you'd continue to mourn for him. Small town life is difficult in that everyone knows everyone. Being from a small town, myself, I know all too well how gossips like to tell all they know about everyone else.

Anyway, I feel for your loss in a different sense. I don't know if you remember, but I posted on CS a little over a year ago how my wife and I lost our first daughter, Kirsten, when she was born prematurely. My wife suffered health complications that caused her to deliver at 5 months of pregnancy. Kirsten survived for roughly 4 hours. That was a very tough time for me, and it still affects me at times. I think the only thing that kept me going at that point was my education since this all happened just a couple of days into a new semester. The irony was that I was mentally absent even though I never missed a day of class. Most of the time, my mind was not really in class or focused on my studies. Somehow, I still made the Dean's List even though I really just went through the motions because I was so preoccupied with losing Kirsten.

Shortly before what would have been Kirsten's due date had she survived, my wife got pregnant again. We decided to name her Lila once we found out she was going to be a girl. Lila met her share of problems. My wife contracted pre-eclampsia, and delivered a month early. It was touch and go for a while, but my wife and Lila pulled through. Lila is now 5 months old, and healthy. Adjusting to life as a father has been a challenge, but I couldn't imagine life without Lila. The part that messes with my head is that Lila never would have been if Kirsten had survived. I wish Kirsten could somehow have survived so that I could know her the same way I'm getting to know Lila. On the other hand, if Kirsten had survived, my wife would have never gotten pregnant with Lila. That's just as hard to consider knowing what I know now. These circumstances just really mess with my head when I think about them because of the timing between Kirsten's death and Lila's emergence. I guess it always will mess with my head in that way. Somedays fatherhood is quite exhausting on top of everything else, but I just couldn't imagine life without Lila now.

Sorry that this has come out seeming like some kind of threadjack. I've just been thinking about a lot of these kinds of issues with raising Lila. It's not quite the same as you losing your husband, but I still relate. He was close to you just like Kirsten and Lila are close to me. Losing your husband was hard for you. Losing Kirsten was hard for me. I just had one of those moments of it striking me as it sometimes does.

[Ree]

I did not see this as a threadjack at all.

I am sorry for your loss.

I do understand what you're saying, and the emotions you are talking about.

I imagine my own mother went through a similar experience when I was born, and I have often sat and pondered the "what if's" of that situation.

She also experienced a miscarriage before she got pregnant with me.
(It was fairly early stage, but still...)
I was in my late teens before I was even told about the miscarriage.
It left me wondering.
If that baby had survived, would I even exist?
Would I just have been born a couple of years later?

Why was I allowed to live and that baby wasn't?

On days when life gets particularly hard for me, and I start to despair and wonder why I am even on this earth, I think about my miscarried sibling, and realize there must have been a reason why I was put on this earth, and that has kept me going.

[Giggle Goose]

If you've never read "Cold Sassy Tree" (and chances are good you've never heard of it) you might want to give it a try. Early 1900's, set right around here actually, but what reminded me of it was that it starts off with the grandma dying, and though grandfather loved her dearly and was not unfaithful, he remarries as quickly as possible (I think the same week) rather than doing the official mourning period of 6 months or a year or whatever it was, and thereby scandalizes the whole town.

*waves hand frantically* I have, I have! In my 11th grade English class, actually. Loved it....I think there's a lot of relevant life topics in there, no matter what you're going through.

Ree- I can't believe it's been 2 years already! I haven't experienced what you are going through, but please know that you're in my thoughts. I'm a firm believer in that you never fully "get over" some life experiences, and I'm sorry that people in your town have nothing better to talk about besides your personal life.

[Peppergirl]

I'm so sorry, Ree. I didn't pay attenion on FB I guess. I can't believe it's been 2 years already.

Hang in there and if you need to talk, you know how to find me.