Cleaning out the toybox

[MadMike]

I keep hearing this nonsense about girls who ask their boyfriends to get rid of or stop looking at porn.

When my ex moved in with me, she didn't ask me to get rid of it. She simply gave it all away while I was at work one day. When I complained, she threw a fit about me supposedly liking the magazines more than I liked her, so I backed down. Little did I know, that was just the beginning of what else was to come.

If, on the other hand, they're asking the other person to give up something simply because they don't like it, that's not acceptable, in my opinion.

Exactly. Anyone whose seen my Facebook page will recognize this sentence at the end of my bio: Take me as I am, or not at all.

I have a huge problems with people who get into a relationship with someone and then start trying to change them. I can see it if it's some bad habit the other person is trying to get rid of, and they actually want help, but when it's something that's just the way they are, something they have no desire to change, then they need to stay out of it. And if it's not something they can deal with, then they shouldn't get involved with that person in the first place.

My ex kept trying to change all sorts of things about me, especially the way I dress (I like wearing jeans, T-shirts, and sneakers, and I hate dressing up), and the music that I listen to (metal all the way, none of that mainstream crap for me.) She knew I was like this when she got involved with me, and if she had a problem with it, she should have stayed away.

[KnitShoni]

And I don't have a problem at all with him looking at porn, as I look at it too, though our porn preferences are quite different. XD

There's that, as well.

[KnitShoni]

I have a huge problems with people who get into a relationship with someone and then start trying to change them. I can see it if it's some bad habit the other person is trying to get rid of, and they actually want help, but when it's something that's just the way they are, something they have no desire to change, then they need to stay out of it. And if it's not something they can deal with, then they shouldn't get involved with that person in the first place.

This is something I've never understood. What is the point of getting into a relationship with someone if your goal is to change them into a different person? Why not just find some who fits what you want in a person?

[Red Panda]

There must be some positive qualities to the person like their personality or if they are hot. Then you just need to get rid of whatver about them you don't like

[KnitShoni]

There must be some positive qualities to the person like their personality or if they are hot. Then you just need to get rid of whatver about them you don't like

.......

Or...you could learn to like what they're into...or deal with it...or find someone else...

[Amanita]

Red, how would you like it if somebody tried to make you give up something you loved, treating you like their personal makeover project?
If somebody thought I was hot, but insisted I throw out my goth clothes, sell my leathercraft tools, or stop cosplaying or playing video games, I would be done with them.

Because if somebody thinks I'm hot but can't accept or tolerate the things which bring me joy, then IMHO, they do not respect me as a person. I'm either a hot piece of ass, or their own personal barble doll, to be made over at will. And I do not want to be with somebody who thinks that admiring my looks gives them license to make me over in their image.

Don't you think it's a bit arrogant to try and just "get rid of" another person's likes, interests, or hobbies, regardless of how they feel about it? Now, if the person is neglecting you in favor of their hobby-buddies, then you would be within your rights to ask them to scale back. Of if they are spending all their money on toys and have none to contribute to shared expenses, then you would also be right to ask them to scale back. But if they are making sure the bills are paid and that you are looked after, then why take their fun away?

I'm pretty sure that a lot of partners end up resentful when that happens- they are forced to give up what makes them happy.
I would never give up the things I love for a guy. The right guy for me would never ask such a thing, let alone demand it.

[Plaidman]

Goth Clothes? Cosplaying? Video Games?

What city and state do you live in Amanita? I totally need to take you out to coffee. Or Mead. Or whatever it is ya wanna drink.

[Amanita]

Sorry, Canadian here
I guess I'm kind of eclectic- ethnic/pagan/goth in clothing style, I have several sets of Jedi robes and a basket of lightsabers, and I love playing City of Heroes online

[Lace Neil Singer]

I'm jealous!

I have never before uttered this phrase:

"This thread is useless without pics!"

Wish I could, but no camera or scanner or else I totally would. XD

In any case, I stayed single for many years simply cuz a lot of men just could not accept me the way I was. There was no way in hell that I was going to change myself for a man; and luckily, I found one who loved me for who I was.

[Red Panda]

Red, how would you like it if somebody tried to make you give up something you loved, treating you like their personal makeover project?
If somebody thought I was hot, but insisted I throw out my goth clothes, sell my leathercraft tools, or stop cosplaying or playing video games, I would be done with them.

Because if somebody thinks I'm hot but can't accept or tolerate the things which bring me joy, then IMHO, they do not respect me as a person. I'm either a hot piece of ass, or their own personal barble doll, to be made over at will. And I do not want to be with somebody who thinks that admiring my looks gives them license to make me over in their image.

Don't you think it's a bit arrogant to try and just "get rid of" another person's likes, interests, or hobbies, regardless of how they feel about it? Now, if the person is neglecting you in favor of their hobby-buddies, then you would be within your rights to ask them to scale back. Of if they are spending all their money on toys and have none to contribute to shared expenses, then you would also be right to ask them to scale back. But if they are making sure the bills are paid and that you are looked after, then why take their fun away?

I'm pretty sure that a lot of partners end up resentful when that happens- they are forced to give up what makes them happy.
I would never give up the things I love for a guy. The right guy for me would never ask such a thing, let alone demand it.

Relationships are all about give and take and power. If one person has all the power then they can make the other give up whatever they want. If the power is even then consessions are more equel.

If somebody is heads over heels for me and I am only mildly interested in him then I will let him know what it is about him that he can change to make me like him more. I can't force him to do anything its up to him if he wants to change. Same goes for if I like a guy more then he likes me.

It depends on how interested the parties are in the relationship and how important the other thing is. If you met the most perfect girl in the world, but she told you this one shirt you have is really ugly would you concede to not wearing the shirt on dates? What if she is vegetarian and won't eat at resturaunts that don't have a meatless option? Are you so set in your ways you would break up with her because you can no longer go to Arbys?

[radiocerk]

There's a difference between not taking a vegetarian to the BBQ joint for dates, and being told "if you want to date me you'll give up eating meat". One is a perfectly reasonable concession, one is seeking to change someone. Trying to remake someone into someone you like better is dumb and vaguely codependent. Do you not think you can find someone you'd actually like?

It can only breed resentment. I'd never ask the boyfriend to give up his Star Wars toys or his weapon collection, or the girlfriend to give up Adult Swim (which really does rot my brain if I listen to it.) Similarly, they would n't ask me to give up my costume making or my writing.

As for porn, there are two groups of people. People who admit they look at porn, and people who lie about it. There may be a VERY small number of people who completely don't bother, but not many. And, yes, bodice rippers count as porn.

[Amanita]

There's a difference between not wearing a certain ugly shirt on dates, and your SO demanding that you throw it out altogether. Also, a difference between not taking your vegetarian partner to Arby's on dates, and being forbidden to go to Arby's, ever.

The people we're complaining about WOULD insist that their SO throw out that shirt, or agree never to go to Arby's ever again.

[Red Panda]

And if the SO agrees then either the person making the demand is worth it or they are completly spineless

[Lace Neil Singer]

Or that the person demanding is an emotionally abusive arsehole, and the person who caves in is a victim of abuse.

[IDrinkaRum]

When I met & married my husband, we were both playing D&D heavily. So heavily in fact, his gaming group took up running a mini-convention (Hoch Con in case anyone is interested) for 3 years running.

His friends hate me. Mainly because I don't let him game. WTF? I'm the one pushing him out the door but he does get burned out.

BIL#2's wife made him get rid of his comics and won't let him game nearly as much. We got the comics. BIL#2 & hubs have the same friends and yet they like her.

WTH?