Selfish Brides

[AdminAssistant]

Who don't schedule their weddings with any consideration towards their guests.

One of my dearest friends from college is getting married in a few weeks. This is an event that, normally, I would love to go to. I haven't seen or talked to her in ages (we've really lost touch), and I know that a lot of old friends will be there. I was really excited about seeing everyone.

I can't go.

First of all, Fiance and I just had a very frank talk about finances and if we're going to be able to have our own wedding, then we've got to really, really cut back. Second of all, she's having the wedding on Sunday night, and he's got work/I've got class on Monday morning. He doesn't want to use up his PTO and I...I can't miss class. I can't. I won't. Bonus: she's having the wedding in the most expensive hotel in a small mountain resort town over 5 hours away.

I just don't understand it. Why not have the wedding in the afternoon? Or on Saturday? (But it has to be 10/10/10!) I'm hurt. And I'm a bit angry. I don't understand brides who don't think about their guests' schedules when picking a date. Fiance wanted an October wedding. But that just isn't possible when so many of the guests (not to mention me) either teach or are in school. We decided on May, since that's the best time for us and the greatest majority of our guests. (I have this funny thing where I actually want people to come to our wedding. Strange, right?)

So..now I'm working up the nerve to let her know that I won't be coming. I hope she'll understand, but it's a shitty spot to be in.

[Greenday]

The wedding is about her and not any of her friends or family who may have helped get her to where she is today. Why should she give a crap about what everyone else thinks?

Personally, I don't get why someone would pick a day when the majority would be unable to go. Not sure how fun a wedding can be if all your friends can't make it.

[the_std]

How about brides who are inconsiderate to their wedding party?

My good friend, a girl I used to live with, is getting married to her boyfriend. She asked me to be in the wedding party, and I accepted. I've never been part of a wedding before, hell, I haven't been to a wedding since I was twelve. My friend, like most of the girls she's asked to be her bridesmaids, has literally just graduated university, doesn't have much money and is fairly simple. We thought this would be a casual, fun wedding, as they'd want to live within their means.

It started to go downhill when the girls had to go shopping for a bridesmaids dresses. There are five of us (one maid of honor and four bridesmaids), and we're all fairly tomboy-ish, and we're definitely all broke. The bride decided she wanted floor-length, strapless red satin dresses. Ooookay, well, for my friend, I'll do it. But I can guarantee I'll never wear this dress again. Even if I shorten it, it's not my style. I wear skirts maybe once a year, and this is the only dress I've owned since I was... Hm... Twelve! The dresses are $200, yikes, but the bride says that she'll pay for half if we can pay for half. Alright, sure, I'll deal with it.

We've had some parties, some bridal showers, some stagettes, whee, that's fun. But I'm poor. This is starting to hurt. Oh shit, time to get my dress altered. La dee da dee da... Buh... $100? That's half as much as the dress cost! Holy fuck! And now the bride has decided that our accessories have to be gold, to match the colour scheme of the wedding. Fuck again. I hate gold, even moreso the bright, brassy shade she's chosen. And she wants us to wear bright gold high-heeled sandals. I have bad feet, have to wear special orthodics in them so I can't wear anything except sneakers most of the time. Great. Shoes I'll never wear again in a colour I hate. The cheapest pair I can find that I'm not going to die walking in? $60. Oh look, I need a necklace and earrings, as the bride doesn't want us to go without jewelry. There's another $40 for the cheapest set I can stand looking at. And now I need to buy a strapless bra, as my tits are big enough that I hate wearing them so never buy anything I can't wear a regular bra with. A steel-reinforced titanium-plated job (not really, but it feels like it because of how hardcore of a bra I need to hold the girls up), another $70 for a bra I'm never going to wear again.

And the final straw? The day of the wedding, the bride has told us that we're getting our hair done at a salon, at our own expense. But she graciously decided that we don't have our make-up done there, we're allowed to do it ourselves. I don't know what it's going to cost yet, but judging by the hoity-toity salon she's chosen, I'm thinking it's going to be a minimum of $50.

Tally:
$100 for the dress
$100 for the alterations
$60 for the shoes
$40 for the jewelry
$70 for the bra
$50 for my hair
Total cost: $420

To put it into perspective - that's almost as much as I make per month. All of this for something I'm never going to wear again. And my favourite part is that, when she asked me to be her bridesmaid, she said, "Well, I know that we're effing poor, so I'll pay for as much of this as I can."

My friends getting married have given me a lot of tips on what not to do if I ever get married. Fuck.

[blas87]

Keep talking, std, keep talking. I can't agree with you more.

I swear I cannot participate in another wedding party until I'm making way more money, or I have friends/family who are more considerate of other people's time and money.

My bf's sister went all bridezilla because not many people in her family could afford to fly halfway across the US to come to their wedding, or they couldn't afford to stay in the luxury hotel the wedding would be at, or they couldn't afford $100 a plate (!!!!!!!) for the reception. She whined that she ALWAYS comes back home to their weddings/special occasions. Well, she also has a job that pays out the wazoo, and so does her now husband. Not everyone makes that much money.

[guywithashovel]

I guess these people just get so wrapped up in it being "their day" that they forget to consider other people.

And yeah, bridezillas are a pain in the neck. I hope I don't have to deal with any. My sister has been married twice, and fortunately, she never did any of that stuff during her weddings. Heck, when she married her now husband, they got married on the back deck of his parents' house. It was on Thanksgiving Day, and we had Thanksgiving dinner as the reception. If I am ever lucky enough to meet someone, I hope our wedding can be something like that.

[AdminAssistant]

I would never ask either of my brides'maids' (they're both married) to shell out that much cash. Actually, I plan on the three of us getting together and hitting the malls until we find something we all like and that's affordable, and I'm going to at least pay for the dress. I may ask them to provide their own shoes, but it'll be something they want. I don't really care what's on their GD feet. And dictating jewelry? What. a. bitch. What my sis did, and what I plan to do, is give a necklace to the bridesmaids that they can wear with the dress if they want. Still have to figure out what to do with my 10 year old niece (she'll be 11 when we get married). Junior bridesmaid? Hrmmm. At any rate. Hell, the only reason that the guys will be in tuxes is because that's what Fiance wants. Well, that and my little nephew is just going to be so damn cute in a tux. I may let him wear cowboy boots with it.

I have never really thought of it as "my" day. First of all, it's for both me and my fiance (hey, he's getting married too, ya know). Second of all, it's more than just the two of us. It's our families getting together. That's why I didn't want to do a small house wedding...I just couldn't imagine not having all the aunts and uncles and cousins and the great aunts from Mississippi and our friends from college and...etc. (I totally respect those that do want small weddings, just not for me.)

Yeah, the more I read wedding magazines and books the more I just go "WTF, bitches?" I'm just sad to see a little bit of that coming from someone I used to be so close to.

[Lace Neil Singer]

Still have to figure out what to do with my 10 year old niece (she'll be 11 when we get married).

What about making her flower girl? I plan to make my little cousin the flower girl when I and my fiance get married.

Oh yes, and we will definitely get married on the cheap. Neither of us can stand the idea of spending tons of money on just one day. I will also want a dress that I can wear again, and I wouldn't dream of asking the bridesmaids to bankrupt themselves either. To my mind, what's important is being my fiance's wife and spending our lives together. Everything else is just window dressing.

[IDrinkaRum]

I think I mentioned in a previous thread I went out and bought 2 dresses for my 2 bridesmaids (my sister as Matron of Honor bought herself her own dress - which I was fine with - it just had to be green) for like $10-$15 at JC Penney outlet. (If any of you have one of those outlet stores in your area I HIGHLY HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend the store for really good JC Penney brands at ridiculous prices - like my fave pants which are like $30 @ store, I can get them for anywhere from $6.99 to $10.99 depending on how many they have - like overstock - or if they're on promtion or not).

The dresses for the bridesmaids (they too were both married & one was pregnant!) were green velvet bodice & green satin skirt of the dress. Both knew how to sew and so they were able to do their own alterations. Whew. But yeah, I didn't put too much demands on any of them. I just was worried that they would show up. (Best Man - BIL#2 was LATE to the wedding - OY - but that's for another thread, I'm thinking).

[draggar]

My wife must be the exception then.

For the bride's maids she sent them all a swatch of fabric of the color she wanted and told them to find a nice dress that matches the swatch. Just because a dress looks nice on one person doesn't mean it'll look nice on everyone. She even told them to bring sneakers for the reception.

For the flower girls - she told the parents to "just get them something nice, a nice sundress etc." because she knew girls might be messy in them and didn't want the parents to panic over them making a mess out of the dresses. (A month before the flower girls were at another wedding - the bride insisted on a $600 dress for each of them - we said it was OK for them to recycle those dresses if they wanted to).

The ring bearer was our collie, MacLeod, so all we had to worry about was a tartain (heh, we got one for the clan MacLeod).

Groomsmen - we got tuxes that were nice but inespensive. I agreed to pay for one who was having some financial issues (who returned the favor at his wedding).

The wedding was in NJ. We did have a recommended hotel that al the guests could stay at but we also gave a list of alternatives for people who couldn't afford it, but still close and/or in a good neighborhood.

The after wedding / after-reception party was at my in-laws house where my father in law just grilled, grilled and grilled.

As for planning the wedding, it's impossible for the planners to plan a day that is convenient for everyone. AA's friend's weddding is on a Sunday, what if one works Mon-Fri and the other has to work Saturdays? I'm sure out of the guests, there isn't a convenient day of the week, even a time of day. But in the end it is the bride and groom's wedding day and they should plan it. Hopefully they understand that people can't make it if they can't, for any reason.

[Greenday]

One of my sister's friends is getting married this Saturday. She picked what dresses they have to wear. They all have to get their hair done together that morning for pictures at 2:30pm but they have to all meet at 7:30am to start getting their hair done. My sister offered to be the last to get her hair done but nope, she has to be there at 7:30am. They all have to get their nails done a certain way. They all have to stay at the same hotel. Etc. etc. etc.

Of course the one getting married has plenty of money and doesn't seem to notice that not everyone else does.

[AdminAssistant]

What about making her flower girl? I plan to make my little cousin the flower girl when I and my fiance get married.

At 11, I think she'll be a bit too old. Plus, one of his cousins has a couple of young daughters, so I was going to ask them...so that the wedding party was a bit more even between my family and his. Niece is also technically my step-niece, and she spends most of her time with her biological mother who lives rather far away and makes scheduling a pain.

Draggar, I understand that it's impossible to pick something convenient for everyone - but a Sunday night wedding with a late into the night reception (she's basically said that if you're going to the reception you should plan to stay at the hotel that night) isn't going to work for most of the people involved. The greater majority of people who will be there either work or go to school M-F.

Also, in this case, it's the bride and bride's wedding day.

I was talking about this with one of my professors (I've been seeking advice on the challenge of getting married and finishing my degree at the same time), and he said, "Well, you walk into a room single, and you walk out married. Anything else is extra."

[Kimmik]

Ok I guess I am going to sound like a snob.. but the wedding.. yeah that is about the bride and groom.

It is normally scheduled to be convenient to the bride and groom.. or a day that matters to them. Me and hubby chose July 15 2004 because that was a date that meant a lot to us and we were not going to change it for any reason. We also understood that some people would not be there. Hell to save everyone money we got hitched by the JP since both of our families lived out of state.

With a wedding it may be about the bride and groom, one must understand that some guest may not be able to make it and that you have to remember that you need to make sure that you don't expect people who are cash strapped to magically afford that dress that your attendants are suppose to wear or expect someone to be able to attend if it is at night, you don't want children to attend, or if it is in timbuctoo.

but it all comes down to it is their day and it is meaniful to them.. but if you cant afford to attend, or buy a dress.. dont be afraid to tell them that. If they are not bridezilla they will understand.

[protege]

Ugh...and I thought my aunt was bad.

She decided, to have an expensive wedding out in the desert. Seriously, none of the family lives in Arizona, so why she did this...we'll never know. Most of the family--his too--lives along the east coast. When told that most of the family wouldn't be there, she got pissy. Sorry, but I'm not about to spend a month's salary (including the vacation time) to fly out there and stay at some fancy resort. Plus, I'm not about to spend all day in a tux...with 120F heat to deal with. Fuck that shit.

I too understand that it *is* about the bride and groom. However, they have to take into account that some people might not be able to afford the hotel rooms and other things. That is, if I say I can't afford to come, don't get upset. Either help out a bit, or shut the fuck up

[XCashier]

Still have to figure out what to do with my 10 year old niece (she'll be 11 when we get married). Junior bridesmaid?

Could she be in charge of the Guest Book? That's what my younger cousin did at my wedding.

I think I mentioned in a previous thread I went out and bought 2 dresses for my 2 bridesmaids (my sister as Matron of Honor bought herself her own dress - which I was fine with - it just had to be green) for like $10-$15 at JC Penney outlet.

We went the JC Penney Outlet route for our wedding, too. My dress cost $150, my maid of honor's dress cost $50. (We had no bridesmaids or groomsmen, just the best man and maid of honor, because frankly, we couldn't afford them!) And they were lovely dresses, too; nice satin numbers with pretty beading. Now granted, this was twenty years ago, you probably won't find new dresses that cheap nowadays, but that doesn't mean you have to blow this year's and next year's wages on your dress.

Real life is not a fairy tale, your wedding will not be ☼ ♫ ♥ Oh, So Perfect! ♥ ♫ ☼ (trust me on this, unless you're rich enough to hire a whole entourage to take care of everything for you, something's going to be forgotten / late / out of synch / etc.). Just do your best and keep your sense of humor about you.

[HYHYBT]

Do you *really* think that weddings should be planned around the preexisting schedule of everyone who is attending? Because unless your guest list is pretty much limited to the bride, groom, and maybe parents, that quickly becomes impossible. On the other hand, it *is* something that, if planned in advance, people generally can work their schedules around, including, if necessary, getting time off of work. Why should school be any different?

Funerals are worse, of course, because hardly anybody plans those more than a few days in advance.