having to resort to upside the head*

[LexiaFira]

*and for the record i don't condone violence but in this case a bop upside the back of the head is a kind of violence to me and I don't like it but at the same time its come to this...

I loathe having to repeat myself to where it becomes nagging to hubs to get things done i asked him to. (i ask him too because i cannot or it takes long enough that my other duties get neglected or it throws off the schedule to the point dinner will most definitely be late and that's one thing I can't have. its not for me but to make sure everyone gets fed)

so when he doesn't do it, its now come to that I have to bop him upside the back of the head. not hard. somewhere between the force of a spitball or how a person would tap an animal on the nose and say no, its that kind of force.

i have a dry erase board for our chores and mine are almost always marked off for the day or if its time sensitive meaning i have to get it done between this time or that such as dinner so its not sitting their all day its checked last
but his list has maybe one check on it. because he is busy goofing off.

I don't like that i have to reinforce it like this, i do love him and he loves me yet i am not his parents looming over some bad child that has to be reminded to get stuff done all the time. I don't like nagging it makes me feel like a broken record and by the third or fourth skip i usually say eff it and do it myself and get in trouble anyways because its messed up the rest of the day. i finally got everyone in the same room one day and said WHY that has happened and that if you want to get mad at me get mad at hubs because it was his chore i asked him five times in one day and nothing.

thats the extent of that. it bothers me because it seems like alot of people i know I have to repeat myself or have to get their full attention which makes me feel like i'm not important enough to devote full attention to so in return i do the same back yet they take it personally.....and get even more upset when i point out that it was the exact same thing they did to me.

rant over before i start screaming

[blas87]

Don't feel too bad. I've actually imagined somehow defying physics and grabbing my bf and shoving him in his trunk and driving his car off a bridge and me jumping out just in time to get away safely swimming. Yeah, not very pleasant, is it?

He wants to get a place this spring, but I'm hesitant. I've become extremely weird since living alone and liking it so much. My old roomate was such a slob and a lazyass only child mama's boy (which I know not every guy or only child is that way) and he made living with someone such a nightmare that I'm truly scared.

That and bf has had to stay at my place the past two weekends, if we want to be able to be together at night because of his grandparents visiting. We've take food back to my place, and he'll just leave his plate laying around after he's done eating and just want to watch the movie and leave it there. NO. We put that away, NOW. That and he literally JUMPS into bed, which is a no no for me because it pisses off my neighbors, and also because it rips the sheet off of the matress, and I hate the bed getting all messed up. And he rolls and tosses and turns so much and snores if he's drank any alcohol.

At his own house, he's left our plates and stuff laying around supposedly because he doesn't want to wake anyone up, but I'm scared he doesn't do it because he's lazy, and I cannot stand stuff laying around!

[Jack]

Whatever your grievances, I don't see how you find it at all acceptable to hit him for not doing what you would like him to do, no matter how you try to justify it by using light force etc. I had a friend do this once, gave me a "light bop" on the back of the head because he was mad at me for not keeping my house clean. I told him not to do it again. If he does I'll return it multiply and have nothing more to do with him.

"Hubs" must really love you to put up with that shit.

[the_std]

I will use physical force to express a lot of emotions... In my family, my dad wasn't around a lot when I was younger, and when he was around, we would have playful wrestling matches. I grew up with this as my idea of expressing fondness and love with males. I went through a stage in my teen years where I took it too far and would actually physically hurt the men in my life. But now I scale it back and will only use force to express positive emotions, and I will only do this if I have very obvious, up-front consent from the man I am using it on. I will never, ever again use my strength to demonstrate negative emotions, as I know where this leads and it is never anywhere good. I will also never condone the use of force for anything negative, as there is always, always a better solution; the obvious exception being for self-defense.

I understand your frustration. I, too, know what it's like to live with someone who has no respect for my schedule and for their responsibilities to a household. It is angering beyond belief to see that someone acts like they do not care. But I also think that you'd be better off using your words in this situation. I will not presume to say which words, or how to use them because I do not know you or your husband, nor the way you deal with conflict. However, I will strongly urge to re-think the way you've presented this situation to him. Is there another way you could say it that would make him more likely to see things from your side too? Try to take the emotion out of it, perhaps?

[telecom_goddess]

I don't see the problem with a bop on the head honestly...I really can't stand it when shit needs to be done and people just fuck around instead of being responsible people.

I"m the type that I relax and watch tv AFTER the goddamn chores are done. There is stuff that needs to be done daily that of course I don't get help with.

My bf is the type to leave laundry on the floor instead of putting it in the laundry basket/hamper. He did this with a shirt the other day, and there were some cards in the pocket he wanted to keep, and OOOPS they get washed cause the shirt was on the floor, so I picked it up and washed it. Shouldn't keep important shit in a pocket and that clothing item on the floor.....sorry.

I can't stand to have stuff lying around either..when a meal is done dishes need to be put in the dishwasher and the counters and stuff cleaned up. And NO ONE ELSE gives a shit in my house.

[Jack]

The point isn't the physical harm (or lack thereof). It's that it has a certain intent of punishment or physical compulsion which shows gross disrespect for the person you're hitting and their ability to communicate and negotiate with you in the infinite more respectful ways. It says that you've given up understanding and resorted to treating them like a dumb animal who has to be hit and yelled at to, as you may see it, "get it through their head" or to do what you think they should be doing. I find no excuse for it. If you're unable to persuade, argue, or nag someone into doing something, even if they agreed to do it, you don't escalate to physical aggression. You step off, recognize that they are their own person who will make their own choices, possibly whether it inconveniences you or not, and you deal with it. You know what I think of when I read this thread? Little children who get mad and hit people and things that won't help them get their way.

[LexiaFira]

Whatever your grievances, I don't see how you find it at all acceptable to hit him for not doing what you would like him to do

... You know what I think of when I read this thread? Little children who get mad and hit people and things that won't help them get their way

I have not done it yet. Trust me, I have tried the dry erase board, reminding every so often asking him drop it do it now and standing there like a mother would tapping her foot. compromising, or ending up doing it myself right then and there while lisa has to wait for her food, attention or everything gets put on hold because he can't do it. Believe me if you have a better idea i would gladly appreciate it. because as i said i don't like doing this. I'm not his mother its not my job to nag incessantly

And how can I put it. When I had Lisa it was agreed when I felt able to function enough after healing I would try to keep up with most, MOST of the household chores as I don't know if i would ever be able to return to work or be rehired. So since then I've made sure the kitchen, den, living room, bedroom and bathroom are as clean as I can get them, made sure lisa has everything she needs and that I at least have a quick bathroom break and some form of snack in between. I KNOW he works his behind off, I know he has the right to wind down when he gets home but from our agreement it was also my understanding that three simple chores out of the ENTIRE DAY of the many I do he was to do.
From my point of view I spend all day tending to a teething upset fussy child and try and keep a clean house and when dinner is done one person is coming home to wind down and another is waking up. And BOTH leave a TRAIL of mess in their wake so coming and going my work is NEVER done. So after what I feel is bending over backwards to try and keep up my end, its like they just add more to the pile of what feels like never ending chores.
so yes you are justified to say that but before you continue to chastise me please try and look at it from my point of view.
oh and i almost forgot, I also take care of the two dogs and two cats with help from FIL. I don't recall the last time hubs spent time with any of them either

and believe me i have expressed how i feel when he does this and asked why is it so difficult. his excuse? he is used to his parents nagging him until it gets done. my response i'm not your mom and if thats how they did it then MAYBE that means you should get that request DONE first then play around. I love him and yes he loves me and we put up with alot from each other I even said if this is how its going to be (its not just the not getting chores done its A LIST of issues) then maybe i should go if i make you that miserable) and it was said from an observational point not a threat or ultimatum

thank you for the sharing blas87, the_std, and telecom_goddess

[Jack]

It sounds like he has a good deal of blame to take there, and I really do empathize with your situation because my mother was in the same one for the second half of my minor-hood. :P

I guess I misread. I got the idea that the hitting is something you've already been doing. Sorry. I'm glad to hear you haven't done it though.

I wish I could recommend something but I have no experience there. I think my opposite role counts as negative experience.

[protege]

I can see both sides of this....mainly because I saw it constantly at my parents' house. Even now, it still goes on.

For years, my mother would bitch about having to work full-time, and then coming home to "take care of the family." She was going on about how "nobody was helping," and that there was "too much to do." The reason nobody wanted to help her? It was a simple matter of we were tired of being screamed at if the task wasn't done *exactly* how she would have done it. She'd bitch a storm if the shirts weren't perfectly folded, or if a rug wasn't perfectly centered in a room. After several years of that, most of us gave up. That is, if you don't want us to learn how to do things "correctly," either teach us, do it yourself, or shut the fuck up.

Did I mention that my mother only worked one job? 8 hours, 5 days a week, in fact. Years ago, my family had some serious money issues...forcing my dad (who was then out of work) to work *multiple* jobs. He'd literally get up in the morning, go to one job, work several hours, grab something to eat, and go to the next job. 16 hours a day, 7 days a week...for nearly 20 years. He'd come home, tired as hell, and would catch grief for wanting some down time. Apparently, he was an asshole for wanting to rest, and apparently because what he did wasn't an 8-5, he was *supposed* to take shit for it.

Now, dad's teaching, and is home more. Some of the above bullshit still goes on...but at least he doesn't have to deal with it. Why? Well, I don't know if I've posted about it on CS, but he's dealing with cancer now It's not fatal, but still. As if it wasn't enough with the fucking cancer...he was in a serious auto accident a few weeks back. Some piece of shit ran a stop sign, and hit him head-on totaling his new car, and landing him in the hospital for a couple of days. Pardon my French, but he was pretty fucking lucky to come out of that with only bruises, and a sore back.

What pisses me off about *all* of this, is that my parents aren't the only people who live there. Both of my younger brothers (31 and 28) live there too. They don't do jack shit, and up until recently, neither one had a job. Up until now, most of their days were spent playing video games and watching TV. No helping out around the house, no cleaning, no cooking meals, nothing. Instead, they'd actually bitch if dinner wasn't ready when they got home. What the fuck?

[LexiaFira]

Very much understandable protege
I try to not be picky but if it has to be done a certain way i do try to teach him that way otherwise. it got done, it meets the clean standards, good enough.
Hubs works overnight at a 24 hour place so he gets the weird ones (not bad customers) but the occasional bad ones that not caring walk over his newly cleaned area causing him and his team to have to redo it because of the one spot they ruined. fresh coat of wax and all.

much hugs. many things would have happened to those siblings if they griped dinner wasn't done. but as its not my family i will politely keep my mouth shut

[Sage Blackthorn]

What pisses me off about *all* of this, is that my parents aren't the only people who live there. Both of my younger brothers (31 and 28) live there too. They don't do jack shit, and up until recently, neither one had a job. Up until now, most of their days were spent playing video games and watching TV. No helping out around the house, no cleaning, no cooking meals, nothing. Instead, they'd actually bitch if dinner wasn't ready when they got home. What the fuck?

Wow, this reminds me of my wife's sister....who's now moved back in with their mother and has been living there for the last 2 or 3 years now, rent free. She use to work as a Pharmacy Tech'. Lost her job due to budget cuts, and went on un-employment. Never went out to look for another job, she was making more on unemployment a month than either I or the wife make working at the family store. He sister has never contributed to her mom's bills (mortgage, utilities, food, etc) and complains when she asked to do some simply chores or help out at the store every so often.

Ain't it just mind boggling how some folks wind up with such a "The World Owes Me A Living" entitlement attitude? I just don't understand it. When I still lived with my parents, I mowed the lawn, did dishes, took out the trash, helped do laundry, clean the house, cook dinner...and I was only 8! Helping out around the house is just what you do when you live there. Now my nephew is living with my parents. His mother has disowned him (makes for an amusing story I rant about later when the mood strikes) and he doesn't do ANY chores around there house. I really just can't understand how I could be a blood relative to the lazy little bastard.

[protege]

Ain't it just mind boggling how some folks wind up with such a "The World Owes Me A Living" entitlement attitude? I just don't understand it. When I still lived with my parents, I mowed the lawn, did dishes, took out the trash, helped do laundry, clean the house, cook dinner...and I was only 8! Helping out around the house is just what you do when you live there. Now my nephew is living with my parents. His mother has disowned him (makes for an amusing story I rant about later when the mood strikes) and he doesn't do ANY chores around there house. I really just can't understand how I could be a blood relative to the lazy little bastard.

I hear ya! I've had various jobs since I was 10--paper routes, washing cars, helping my dad at the office (which actually started before then), Hechinger's, etc. mainly because I liked earning my own cash. Well that...and I wanted to save up for a car Meanwhile, my brothers didn't do much of anything--what little money they make, gets spent on video games. 28 and 31 years old, and they really have no idea. With that said, my brothers and I might as well be from two different planets.

The only things I didn't do when I still lived there...was to cut the grass and the laundry. Cutting the grass was a sure way to make my allergies go nuts, and Mom was a bit, um, protective of her washing machine

But, things really got interesting when I was handed the keys to the MG in 2004. My brothers hit the freaking *ceiling* when they saw that. Even though the car was a total mess. Even though they can't handle a four-speed. Even though I was the only one interested in it, and working on it, not to mention funding the acquisition of various parts--they felt that it was wrong that I end up with it. Entitlement much? Anyway, at least my parents put them in their place: "Pro got the car, simply because he was the only one who showed *any* interest in it, and we wanted to reward him for working his ass off." Needless to say, that didn't go over well

Getting back on topic here, if someone is going to hit me, they'd better have a damn good reason. Sorry but not taking out the trash is *NOT* one of those reasons.

[LexiaFira]

went back to writing on the chore board, and updating it daily especially with the date and day. trying this one last time and actually erasing or checking off for the day as well as initialling so that he gets the idea that yes I REALLY DID do it. and managed my time multi tasking as well.

so no, have not hit yet but sleeping on the matter did help me regain my senses. I thus reiterate on the I am not a violent person nor willingly so, i'd sooner punch a pillow than a person. so again i turn to what I know as its not right to bop husband even though i may want to

[Jack]

You do seem reasonable. I hope I didn't come off too vehement or accusing in my posts but it's a sensitive thing for me.

[LexiaFira]

you do have a point, jack and i really did almost do so but i thought about how would i feel if it was done to me. pretty angry. so i am trying to get to the root of the issue.

today is just not my day. apparently spoilt niece's awful bordering EW behavior is being encouraged and i am not having it, so because of that i'm the bad person