The Argument Is Over....Wait, No It's Not!

[blas87]

You know when you're having an argument or disagreement with someone and it's one of those situations where you just come to terms and one of you says "Sorry" or "Know what? This is stupid. I'm done. Let's drop this!" and the other person agrees to drop it, and then sometime later, that person brings up the argument, like out of nowhere says "So why did you even talk to that person if you hate her so much?"

I don't get it. I understand someone just saying "Drop it" doesn't always guarantee it's over, but if the other person you are arguing with agrees with you to drop it, and then later on starts the argument all over again.....

*bangs head against the wall*

Or the special bonus round:

When the person who previously agreed with you to drop it NOT ONLY brings it up again, but gets mad at you for getting upset, and when you say "Because we agreed to drop it, argument over!", they tell you "I'm NOT bringing it up again or continuing the argument, I'm just saying....." or "But I just wanted to know...." or "I'm not starting the fight again, I just wanted to ask you..." No, you wanted to fight some more.

When you bring it up to them that the fight was supposed to be over and they agreed to it, they brought it up again and were trying to start it all over again, they huff and puff and slam the door and waltz away and give you the silent treatment for several days.

[Greenday]

It happens because just saying "Don't feel like fighting anymore, sorry" doesn't solve anything. The issue isn't resolved and the fighting mood remains. It's one thing to ask for a break from the argument to calm down, which is a smart thing to do when it gets too heated. But if I'm arguing with someone and they just out of nowhere say the fight is over or drop it...it sounds like they don't give a shit. And I rarely get into a big fight unless it's something really bothering me.

[blas87]

I understand what you mean and where you're coming from, but this has been happening to me a lot lately and it's never worth anything to keep it going over. I have even admitted fault or apologized even if I wasn't the one who started it or made it into a fight, and they'll agree we can end it here, and then not too long later, we're fighting about it again. Most of the time, these instances happen in public and I don't want people to hear about my problems in public and I don't want to be embarrassed by the people I'm with. I'm the person who will say "Come on, can we please just stop it, we can talk about it later but please, don't make a scene. I come here all the time and I don't want the cashiers to think of me as the girl with the crazy friends who always start drama in the store!"

That's a whole seperate thread, though. It's not that I care the entire world what people think of me, but I don't want public arguments and dramatic fights at the movie store or at a restaurant.

[HYHYBT]

When the person who previously agreed with you to drop it NOT ONLY brings it up again, but gets mad at you for getting upset, and when you say "Because we agreed to drop it, argument over!", they tell you "I'm NOT bringing it up again or continuing the argument, I'm just saying....." or "But I just wanted to know...." or "I'm not starting the fight again, I just wanted to ask you..." No, you wanted to fight some more.

That's an interesting assumption to make. Why is it not possible that they don't want to fight, but rather, now that the actual fighting is over and you're both calm, they want to understand better?

[blas87]

That's not an assumption, it's the truth. If a fight is over and everything is supposed to be back to normal again, why would you even bring it up again, let alone in a condenscending or accusatory tone of voice? My OP was not the best of examples and something I just thought of off the top of my head, but it's always something like that. Fight's over, a little while goes by, actually one time, a friend and I had had an argument, supposedly agreed to call that quits, some time went by, and just before bedtime, there was the accusatory question "Well, why did you even bring that up then, if it didn't mean anything to you?!"

If you want to understand better, let's stop fighting and talk like mature adults, especially if this is in public, let's go back home and not make a damn scene. If it's late at night, let's not argue loudly and wake others up. Especially to DENY that they are bringing the argument up again or try to use the ever-so-cliche "I'm just saying" (which gets really old by the way!).....no. I'm done fighting with you. It was supposed to be over. If you wanted to keep it going or you wanted a better understanding, you'd find a better way to go about it.

[HYHYBT]

I really don't see how you could possibly know that they're lying about their motivation for asking... unless it's specific to one person you know who does this regularly, but you spoke as if you meant it more generally than that. "Let's not fight anymore" is not, and should not be taken as, "let's never speak of this again." It is entirely possible to discuss without a fight, even over issues that you've fought on in the past.