Excusing bad behavior with a sob story

[flybye023]

I don't usually post on this board but I ran across something recently that really irritated me. There's this one forum that I like to read occasionally. I never participate though because the behavior of the posters is, more often than not, extremely rude. Flame wars nearly always erupt within a post or two and it is very poorly (IMO) moderated.

I quit reading for awhile but then went back and there were several new posters. Two or three of them are just plain nasty in nearly every response. So, on to the topic. This one woman who comes across as self-righteous, negative, nasty, judgmental, etc started a new thread where she basically said "I know I'm a bitch but...[sob story]. Everyone immediately offers sympathy for several posts, then one person tentatively says, "well, this is horrible but it doesn't excuse you taking it out on others."

She responds "yeah, I know, I'm sorry...but sometimes [because of sob story]. Pissed me off because it seemed that she was using it more of an excuse than explanation. I guess I felt that she was exploiting her story rather than it being a real cause.

So, I did what I always do when a poster irritates me and just quit reading her thread.

Today I went on again and another really nasty poster has put on a thread where he goes into his own sob story and how this explains why his posts are so rude.


I'm just venting 'cause it rubbed me the wrong way.

[Lace Neil Singer]

I'd agree with that; on this forum I admin on, this girl went on a flame-a-thon where she attacked several members of staff along with some regular members. When I told her off, she came out with, "I'm sorry but my mum's sick" as an excuse for her bad behaviour. Sorry, but we all go thru shit; it doesn't give you a green light to flame people. I told her as much; she replied with rudeness so I banned her arse.

If it was true; I feel for her, but no-one has the right to go around attacking people.

[aurelemsrealm]

It's not right or fair for people to take their frustrations out on people who are not responsible for those frustrations. Emotions do sometimes overwhelm people to the point that they snap at innocent bystanders. That is a part of human nature. However, the proper thing to do is accept responsibility for being wrong and apologize when that happens, not offer excuses to justify what is not justifiable.

If someone or group of people in particular are the cause of the frustration, then by all means confront those people to address the issue. Again, when emotions are running high, it's not easy to think with a clear head. However, the confrontation should specifically address the problem as directly as possible without resorting to namecalling, violence, or other such drama.

That's why I try to just get away by myself when I'm overwhelmed.

[flybye023]

See, here's my take on it. I can understand being touchy about a certain topic after something terrible happened, for example, my cousin lost her little boy in a drowning accident. So, I could understand losing perspective if in a thread, someone went on a rant about home swimming pools and carelessness or supervising Autistic children. But to get upset at every topic I disagree with and blame it on my cousin drowning is illogical.

That's why I try to just get away by myself when I'm overwhelmed.

Exactly. Sometimes I'm stressed about something and I get grumpy and ornery. I do NOT expect everyone around me to just take it and if I'm particularly bad, I lock myself in my room and read or something until I can be civil. It's MY problem if I'm behaving badly, not theirs.

Part of what's so irritating about the lady is that she sits there and tells everyone their vents/annoyances are soooo trivial and that there are worse things happening all over [insert sob story reference] and she's disgusted with their whining. Well, this isn't a grief therapy board, it's just a general discussion board. If you don't like the topics and the posts---leave! We're not twisting your arm and making you participate.

[dendawg]

I'd agree with that; on this forum I admin on, this girl went on a flame-a-thon where she attacked several members of staff along with some regular members. When I told her off, she came out with, "I'm sorry but my mum's sick" as an excuse for her bad behaviour. Sorry, but we all go thru shit; it doesn't give you a green light to flame people. I told her as much; she replied with rudeness so I banned her arse.

If it was true; I feel for her, but no-one has the right to go around attacking people.

Hmmm....are we talking about a certain someone who got banned on CS and then proceeded to take her bitchfest to PFB?

[Lace Neil Singer]

No, but I know the person you mean; they reminded me of this other person. XD

By the way, when I say banned, this girl was given a temp ban of two weeks, but she never came back afterwards. Good riddance.

[Kimmik]

I have sorta done the I am a bitch because of x reason. But that was when I lost my son and I told my guild in wow.. that if I explode and go off I am really sorry and to give me time. They were a great bunch very understanding. I have gotten better.. but I give the warning again about this time of year.. it marks year 2.. I still go a bit looney this time of year till endish of Jan
I try to be good but sometimes emotions take over with a vengence

[kibbles]

I agree 100% This sort of behavior and the martyr behavior where people parade themselves as nice girls and guys and whine that they can't find someone and other girls and guys don't appreciate their niceness irritates me to no end. It's almost as if their boasting their niceness for praise instead of just for the sake of being a good person.

[smileyeagle1021]

However, the proper thing to do is accept responsibility for being wrong and apologize when that happens, not offer excuses to justify what is not justifiable.

Thank you for that, it is so very true.
I am frequently rude and short with people this time of year... I also though tell people up front that I am in a bad place right now and I apologize in advance for anything unbecoming that I may say (and it is always in direct relationship to the problems I'm having, namely money... I know I'm guilty of telling my future sister in law "yeah, I'll drive up to Ogden when I can piss gasoline and don't have to worry about how I'm going to pay for it").
I'm getting the impression though that the people the OP are talking about aren't being rude and bitchy over something that is directly related to their problems (like me telling off my future sister in law for asking me to drive an hour to see her when she knows I can barely afford the gas for my commute as it is) but rather just enjoy being rude and bitchy and think they have a convenient excuse.

[Plaidman]

Huh. I'm just naturally a jerk, (Despite what people think I am a jerk).

I've done alot of bad behavior. I also said sorry for it. I rarely have an excuse. I made the choice to do it.

That being said, even with my life, I never used it as an excuse to do bad behavior.

[DrFaroohk]

Although sometimes it's not that easy to just get away from people. I got sob stories too, on top of chemical imbalances, and most of the time I handle it pretty well, but sometimes if my meds run out or I'm just having a bad day I try to deal and avoid people, but that's when they all need me the most!

I can see a sob story being workable if it's relevant to the situation....i.e., you were rude to a rapist, because a long time ago he raped you too. I don't see too much wrong with that. Except for the rape part.

[Ladeeda]

DR, there is a HUGE difference between a Sob Story (an exaggerated excuse to garner sympathy and to avoid concequences for everything) and a legitimate excuse.

[Rapscallion]

From an admin/mod side of things, it's often pretty easy to see which the genuine cases are and even try to help them where you can. It's worth trying to head them off at the pass - the last thing someone in genuine need needs is to lose friends.

Rapscallion

[Mytical]

It comes down to taking credit/blame for your own actions. People can and do have bad experiences. Imo it is never an excuse for anything, though people DO love excuses.

The only legitimate excuse I can see, is something physically wrong with a persons brain..or in other words something legitimately keeps them from making their own decisions. Other then that..I know this is going to be unpopular, but you have to take responsibility for your own actions.

Society, religion (or hate of it), poverty, etc can be used as an excuse for things, but that is all it is .. an excuse. Other people have had similar if not worse things happen, and have CHOSEN not to do something bad. Again, that is not to say there are not legitimate reasons to do bad things, but they are a lot fewer then people like to think.

Hmm between STS and much more serious fratching then might be appreciated even on this board..I think that is where I will end it for now.

[Ree]

It happens on CS all the time.

Somebody gets called on their actions and it's always a sob story of financial woe, or loneliness, or depression, or their cat died, or they have a hangnail, or somebody died, or any other excuse.

Nobody wants to take responsibility for their actions.

I can understand grief causing changes in the way a person reacts or responds, because I have been through it, and I do admit to using it as a reason on a few occasions. Before I did experience it myself, I admit to not really accepting it or understanding it from other people.
The things is, I didn't use it as an excuse to be irresponsible and just plain nasty.

I'm sorry but, personal problems aside, you chose to do what you did.
Own it.