Would you tell a relative if their SO was badmouthing them behind their back?

[MaggieTheCat]

Players:
me!
B = my brother
T = his girlfriend
D = T's daughter from a previous marriage

B lives in Wisconsin but works for a company located in NYC. About once every 6 weeks he flies out there for a week to do work in person, but most of what he does is all online. This aggravates T since he's gone so often.

T recently got a Facebook account and friended me there. Lately she's been saying some rather derogatory things about B on FB. For one, she was complaining that B hasn't proposed to her yet. They've been dating for 6 or 7 years and she keeps hoping for a ring but he won't get one for her, and she keeps asking and asking and it still hasn't happened. Today she was upset because B is currently out in NYC and it's D's Christmas concert this week and he's going to miss it. The overall feeling of both posts was just bitchy and whiny.

I'm wondering if I should tell B that she's saying these things about him behind his back. B hates online message boards and networking sites and would never even go to a site like facebook.com, let alone get an account of his own, so he'll never find the posts she's made on his own. I have no idea if T has actually talked to B about these issues or not.

So, would you tell your brother if his girlfriend was badmouthing him behind his back?

[christopher]

Yes. I would definitely tell my brother that his wife is badmouthing him online. I would appreciate being told that my woman is being an ass online. better to be prepared for trouble than to stumble into it like an idiot.

[Rapscallion]

Depends. If it's just venting over an incident I'd consider that healthy. If it's continuous then that's something they need to work out - but I'd try to drop hints here or there. Getting between two people is a surefire recipe for pain for you. Both of them will hate you for it.

Rapscallion

[Ginger Tea]

If it was an informal bitch rant between two people, I would probably leave it there, plastering it on the internet and its everybodys business, even if you don't tell him, someone else who knows the couple might

[Giggle Goose]

Maybe B already knows T's a whiny bitch anyway and probably wouldn't be surprised that she's been posting negative things on FB. (Maybe that's why he hasn't proposed?? ) I'd go ahead and tell B the next time you talk. I wouldn't make a special phone call or write an email for that express purpose, just casually bring it up in conversation and see what happens.

[aurelemsrealm]

I think that really depends on your relationship with your brother. He might be receptive to you looking out for his best interests by telling him. He might also think you're trying to meddle in his personal life by telling him. It could go either way, so you must be careful wading into that issue.

I've had it go both ways with my sister. My sister fell in with a bad crowd for her in high school. She's one of those types who tries to befriend everyone, and a lot of people have taken advantage of her kindness. She got involved with a lot of losers who were worthless deadbeats, but most of them never stuck around for very long.

She's never really lived on her own. She finally found a guy who seems to treat her well. For a while there, she'd come stay with me when she'd get into a fight with our parents over deadbeat boyfriends. She'd cry to me about them being unfair in their rules and decisions. Sometimes, she'd also get mad at me when I'd tell her my opinion of the boyfriend. Other times, she'd also cry to me about the boyfriends being jerks when she finally saw them for what they were. In short, as with any relationship, there were a lot of ups and downs.

[MaggieTheCat]

Uh.

Okay. So here's an update.

Her latest facebook update said that she wasn't taking a shot at B, that she just wanted someone to hint to him to get her a ring because it's been 6-7 years since they've been together and she thinks it's way over due.

Am I the only one going "wtf" at this?

[AdminAssistant]

Her latest facebook update said that she wasn't taking a shot at B, that she just wanted someone to hint to him to get her a ring because it's been 6-7 years since they've been together and she thinks it's way over due.

Well, IMO, it is, but that's a piss-poor way to go about it. A serious talk that starts with, "I think after so many years we need to talk about taking our relationship to the next level, and in order for the relationship to continue, I need proof of your commitment." Or something like that. Doesn't have to be a ring. But 6-7 years is a helluva long time to date.

[MaggieTheCat]

They're practically married, even if they don't have the actual marriage certificate... They've lived together for a long time and Brian basically treats D (T's daughter) like his own daughter (D was only 2 or 3 when they started dating.) I understand her wanting to take it to the next level, marriage if that's what they want, but I don't think she should be spreading it all over the internet, especially if she hasn't actually talked to B about it herself. "I was hoping someone would hint for him to give me a ring" is juvenile and stupid, I think.

[Peppergirl]

"I was hoping someone would hint for him to give me a ring" is juvenile and stupid, I think.

To say the least! How the hell old IS this woman, for chrissakes?

[MaggieTheCat]

Older than me, and I'm 26. She's always been a little whiny and childish, but never so much that it really bothered me till now. This tactic of her's reminds me of a high school girl wanting to get a boy's attention or something. I honestly wonder if she posted the message about wanting a ring (the first one, which she posted a few days ago) solely for me to see hoping I would tell B about it. She only has a few friends on FB and I'm by far the closest of them to B since I'm his sister.

[Cats]

Marriage should be a mutual agreement. 6-7 to date is a long time, but you should NEVER get married just because it's 'what you do after a lengthy relationship'. I've had a few friends who have recent divorces under their belt because they fell into that trap (we're in our mid 20's).

She needs to discuss this with HIM, not whine about it on facebook. I can understand her desire to seal the deal, but a ring isn't going to magically fix anything that could be wrong in their relationship (assuming there is anything). Getting married will change the legal status of their relationship, and not much else at this point. Given that she's been taking to whining about it, methinks she's not wanting it for the right reasons.

Of course, that's just my opinion on the matter.

[MaggieTheCat]

I think one of the reasons B doesn't want to marry her is for insurance purposes. Right now T is considered a single mother and gets insurance through the state. If she gets married, she stops getting state's aid for insurance and they would have to get insurance on their own, which would be difficult since B doesn't get insurance through his job and T is going to school and doesn't work. So to get insurance for a family of 3 when none is offered through employment would be pricey, I assume.

I also don't know why she's so desperate for a ring. I don't think there's anything wrong with their relationship, nothing that I or the rest of the family knows of at least, but there could be something going on that they haven't told us about. But as Cats said, getting a ring won't change that. Honestly, from what I know of T, I think she's just being a whiny, materialistic girl who wants a shiny bauble to show off to her friends. Again, typical high school girl -- "look at the shiny pretty thing my boyfriend got for me." I don't know why she's acting like this when she's nearly 30 years old but that's the impression I'm getting from her right now.

[AdminAssistant]

She could also be getting a lot of pressure from her friends/family, "Why hasn't he married you yet?" etc. Or she could be feeling insecure about the relationship.