Apparently I'm Still 12....

[blas87]

I'm almost 24 and my parents (99% of it is mom) still think they can tell me what to do. I don't mean suggest or give advice.....she thinks she can still tell me what to do, like command I do something or demand I do something. Of course I don't really get threatened with grounding or similar consequences like the last time I was grounded at 19, but it's just plain wrong.

As much as I appreciate the help and support, I do not need to be told that I should not jeopardize my job by contemplating skipping out on holiday overtime. I am almost 24 years old and live on my own, you CANNOT yell at me, "YOU WILL DO IT, you are going to go to work and do your overtime! You are NOT going to get yourself FIRED!"

Oh, really? And what if I don't? Sure, I probably wouldn't get any help from them if I did get fired....but that is besides the point. The whole point is that from time to time, they still tell me what to do, like I have to do it.

I have heard before that I HAVE to pay that bill no matter what, I HAVE to go see my grandma on my only day off, I HAVE to drive here or drive there or do this or do that, I WILL be doing this or that.....last summer, I was told that I WOULD be taking my parents to the airport if I wasn't scheduled for overtime. I WOULD, I WOULD. I WOULD be petsitting while they were gone.

I have lived on my own for almost 4 1/2 years and I am still being told what to do. Not suggested or advised, but TOLD.

[guywithashovel]

I was still living at home when I was in my early twenties. In fact, I moved out when I was your age (24). During my last year at home, my dad went on day shift and then retired shortly thereafter, and I realized how controlling he can be. Whenever I left the house to go somewhere, he'd usually say "Try to be home before dark." And heaven forbid I started out the door after it actually did get dark. To his credit, he never actually told me NOT to do it, and his reason for it was because we lived in the country and there were a lot of deer that roamed around the roads at night. However, I knew that if I ever did leave the house after dark, and I did hit a deer, I never would have heard the end of it.

Also, on winter mornings when it was really cold, he and mom would usually get up with me and, as I was getting ready, lecture me on how it was cold outside, and I needed to make sure I wore warm clothes and bundled up. No, really? I thought it was summer and 80 degrees outside.

[LexiaFira]

I wonder - and this is purely curiosity and playing scenes out in my head, not goading - what they would do if you actually DIDN'T do what they said you MUST or WILL do.
Except for pet sitting as its not the pets fault about their owners. That and is there no one else who they can ask, yes ASK of things from others such as this?
You no longer live in their home, you are an adult and by all means can tell them no, with or without consequences.

[blas87]

I don't know what would happen. I honestly don't.

I do have strong family values that they taught me, but I feel theirs go too far. You can't expect everything from someone just because they are family. That's just my opinion, though.

Oh, and I heard about deer all the time when I still lived at home, too. Sometimes they even try to tell me NOT to go to my bf's house after dark between September and right after deer hunting because of the rut and because I've hit so many deer.

[Racket_Man]

the thought that immediately comes to mind is that your parents simply can not accept the fact that you (their child) is now an adult WHO has no legal stings attached to them (unless they are providing you with SIGNIFICANT financial assistance or have co-signed a loan for something) which in your case I highly doubt).

You see some parents just can not stop being parents along with the total "control" that goes with it. some parents have that control soo entrenched in their psychie. some parents will forever think of their adult child as "little Janie or Jimmie" who just NEEEDDDDDSS my control and advice and input. they like the "structure" that it brings to their lives

But then again some people are just control freaks or drama queens/kings, narcessisic, needy, etc.

"family values" are one thing but making "Family" the be all end all that interfers with YOUR life IS taking it way too far.

Telling you you "HAVE" to do something as an adult becasue of "FAMILY" is not right. they should be nicely asking you.

Yes I understand that "investing" 18+ years into raising a child is a "burden" but hey the birds gotta fly away from the nest at some point.

Kinda had a milder version of that with my parents. I was the last and youngest (by far) child and they for a while just could not seem to let go even after I got married and had a child of my own. They still wanted that "control".

[Mytical]

I was pretty independent when I was 16, but seemed as soon as I moved out on my own (when I went to the military then returned due to medical issues)..I had that problem for a bit. My folks are not near as bad, however. Now that I am the one taking care of them financially..they now ask instead of order.

My only suggestion is to say "No." and mean it. "I will do this instead. I have other obligations that need to be met."

[blas87]

My parents have helped me out in the past when we've had furloughs at the factory or reduced hours, right now my mom gave me a loan that I make monthly payments to her, I never am late or miss one, so it's not like that would be any kind of leverage.

Sometimes I may be late on bills to companies, but I never screw family or friends over if I borrow money. I try to never ever borrow money, but my mom INSISTED (there goes the CAPS again) that she borrow me some money when I first got my new car. They originally didn't think I'd get the car without a co-signer because of my money situation, but my credit had improved beyond what I had imagined and with all the overtime I've done in the past year and a half, I was actually in perfect financial standing to own that car. But she insisted I take the money anyway so that I could get rid of some piddly debts right away and not worry about them anymore.

[drunkenwildmage]

I'm 38..my wife is 34, own our house, and we still get it from our parents from time to time..I think it's just something that they never out grow.. No Matter what, we are still going to be their kids... We've learned over the years to bite our tongue and deal with it, and then pick and choose our battles..

[LexiaFira]

I see a similar situation with my youngest sis in law and you blas. In that she can walk away and stop at any time. Granted she would get an earfull for saying no -how dare she say no - however she doesn't do it out of obligation but either because she wants to or because she was raised its the right thing to do and honor they parents.
However she also lives there, by choice and can leave at any time.

My question is this, you may feel obligated, but are you really? No one's integrity or anything else is in question here beyond that if you really dislike it so much...are there any other options just for the fact to save you and them both stress?

Or is it close to what Racket_Man said and that your parents cannot fathom that you grew up and are no longer really under their control? Or until now you've have not said no.

However this is me questioning why should it have to be done as I always got from my dad "because I said so" and after a while that stopped flying with me by then.

[blas87]

Honestly, I'm a little scared to say no. I knew they'd never put my dog down just because I didn't want to dog-sit, but I never know what my parents might do if I tell them no. I'm afraid that if I say no, they'd never help me again if I end up in a bad situation with a landlord or a friend or boyfriend (if that were to ever happen, not saying it would).

So the other day was my grandma's birthday, they yelled at me that I had to call her and talk to her. My dad called me twice while I was at the gym telling me I had better do it, and I DID call her, yesterday my dad said "Oh yes, I know you did, because I called her later that day to make sure you had."

I'm starting to fear what will happen if I ever get engaged or married, or have a child....will I ever be allowed to do what I want, how I want, without being badgered?

Oh, and just so we're clear....they do this to my brother as well. He has woke me up in the middle of the afternoon before, calling me to vent to me about how they constantly nag him (although he does still live with them so there's a little leverage and leeway there), but in my opinion, they are way worse with him because he's younger.

[Racket_Man]

Honestly, I'm a little scared to say no. I knew they'd never put my dog down just because I didn't want to dog-sit, but I never know what my parents might do if I tell them no. I'm afraid that if I say no, they'd never help me again if I end up in a bad situation with a landlord or a friend or boyfriend (if that were to ever happen, not saying it would).

So the other day was my grandma's birthday, they yelled at me that I had to call her and talk to her. My dad called me twice while I was at the gym telling me I had better do it, and I DID call her, yesterday my dad said "Oh yes, I know you did, because I called her later that day to make sure you had."

I'm starting to fear what will happen if I ever get engaged or married, or have a child....will I ever be allowed to do what I want, how I want, without being badgered?

.

unfortuenately Blas these lines say it all. they have you scared and well trained. AND they have continually re-enforced that fear over the years. they use blackmail and fear AND the withholding of "family love" (however you wish to define that "love"), they use brute force (ie. constant nagging) and "helpful reminders". and yes the loan from your Mother IS leverage whether you like it or not (or even acknowledge it esp if "something" does happen it WILL be used against you).

You are letting them control you through your own fear and the fear THEY have created within you. that fear is what you will have to master and control. Yes I know times can turn tough in the blink of an eye, but to stand on your own two feet that "fear" has to be conquered and controlled.

unfortuneately this is what your parents have "taught" you over the years. this needs to be unlearned. at least you realize there is a "problem" with your situation. the hard part is actually doing something that helps you unlearn those "beaten in" behavior responces that THEY "taught" you

Yes we all get into some tough times but conditional "love", the occasional financial help and control over your life is NOT something a "normal" parent uses against their own flesh and blood. It still all boils down to the "control issues" your parents have over you. They just do NOT want to let go of the apron strings.

Your brother seems to be just a lazy slacker (from your posts I have read here and on CS) still living at home so he has no real right to complain. he just happens to be a control HQ and is very near to the source.

One bit of advice: do NOT get married or have children unless you move far away from them. I just might find you over at MotherInLawStories ranting about your narrissitic parents and the drama and the tension they have created between you and your spouse and children