"Must Be Nice..."

[anakhouri]

I stay at home with my son (actually I work at home, but it is only a few hours a week for my dad's company, so I don't really count it). My husband and I came to this decision after reviewing our finances, local day care costs, etc. With what I made at the bookstore, we are actually saving money by me staying home and not having to pay for day care.

Husband has three friends who all had children the same year we did. All three of the wives (and the friends) work.

Every single time we get together with one or more of these couples, the wives make snarky comments about how it must be so nice for me to be able to stay home. I usually answer, "Yeah, it sure is!". Just to be a bitch.

I am sure they never think about WHY I can stay home. My husband makes less than $40,000 a year. I am able to stay home because we have a small house, rarely go out, almost never make big purchases, use tons of coupons, keep the heat at 70 degrees during the day etc. We don't have cable or fancy electronics and I haven't bought clothes in months. Every 3-4 months one of us treats ourselves to a CD or a couple books. I take Khan to free library events all the time. Our last vacation was our honeymoon more than 5 years ago.

Now, some people would love to stay home with their kids and genuinely can't. I do feel sorry for these people.

But these wives...

All three of these couples own 5 bedroom houses, HDTVs, every video game system known to man, $600 Dyson vacuums, take two-week vacations every summer to exotic locales, watch DirecTV, eat out twice a week, take their kids to Gymboree classes on Saturdays etc.

I believe these wives could stay home if they were willing to make the financial sacrifices we have. They're just not willing to.

So yeah, it must be nice...and it IS, if you are OK with generic pasta sauce and combing the grocery sales flyers. It's also nice to have lots of spending money. But you can't have both. I made my choice, they made theirs. So I don't know what they're so jealous of.

[blas87]

I'm not a parent, I don't know how much of a right I have to an opinion on a topic like this, but I try not to judge SAHMs until I know the whole story.

I have a former coworker (remember Jem?) who just irresponsibly decided to quit showing up to work. At that point, she had two little boys at home with her (she had put her youngest up for adoption at birth, a good choice, because she was beyond broke and divorced) and she was dating a guy who had a bad reputation with most employers. He wasn't good at keeping jobs, but she let herself get fired, she got pregnant again, and decided she was not going to work again for at least a few years while her bf made all the money with random jobs here and there.

He did manage to get a decent job and keep it, but they still struggle, and I think she really ought to get a damn job and help out. They are on all kinds of assistance, and I know if you are poor enough, you can get childcare for very little cost.

Then there is my coworker, Drunken Victim. Before he and his gf broke up, she just flat out refused to work, so all the money came from what he earns at the factory. Besides that he has a drinking problem and already struggles financially because of his priorities with booze and cigarettes, they bounced checks and got blacklisted at just about every daycare in town because of that. Neither has any family here to watch the kids. But no, his gf would NOT work.

On the other hand, if it works out financially and the couple are responsible with their money and want to do things that way, more power to them.

I know, not a lot of right for me to judge, but I say if you can afford it, do it. If you can't, don't put yourself (or taxpayers) in jeopardy by doing it anyway.

Oh, and I didn't mean you yourself, just a general "you"

And I'm glad to hear this works out for you. Families did function a lot better when they spent more time with their actual parents than babysitters or daycare providers. Unfortunately, with the way things are, it's not always possible anymore, which could explain the dysfunction and problems a lot of families have, because in most cases, both parents have to work.

[anakhouri]

Man, that sucks. Those kind of deadbeats need to get off their asses and get jobs. But we're not on any kind of assistance, we go over our finances once a month and if we were ever falling behind, I would immediately see about finding a job. But so far, because we are so careful, we are doing fine.

The people I was referring to specifically bitch and whine about how they can't stay home with their kids, but they are too attached to a certain lifestyle to make the sacrifices necessary to stay home, so they have no reason to complain.

[blas87]

Weirdly enough, I think my former coworker and Drunken Victim are of the same kind of mindset....although they are opposite of your friends and on the poverty level, they are so used to that lifestyle that they don't want to change it and get better, so it's kind of similar to your friends.

Again I give you props for being able to do it. I think families would be a lot better off if the kids had more time with their parents, or if one stayed home more often, and the kids weren't raised solely by teachers and caregivers, but at the same time, it's not possible with most people nowadays.

[HYHYBT]

My brother's wife also stays with the kids, and it really is great for everybody...

[BlaqueKatt]

My husband and I came to this decision after reviewing our finances, local day care costs, etc. With what I made at the bookstore, we are actually saving money by me staying home and not having to pay for day care.<snip>
I am sure they never think about WHY I can stay home. My husband makes less than $40,000 a year.

I can beat that-it's called living within your means. And not trying to "keep up with the Joneses".

When I had my son, everyone assumed I'd be back to work when my maternity leave was up. I did not return to work until my son's father and I got divorced and my ex-husband got custody. Our son was two at that time. My husband made a whopping $1200 a month(yes that's what the military pays it's soldiers)which is less than 15,000 a year . We were comfortable, we had a "loose" budget and normally had money left at the end of the month, to maybe go out for dinner, buy a used video game for hubs, or some new toys for the sprog. And my husband was taking college classes at the time. If we hadn't lived in base housing we would've had an additional $200 a month.

I made my choice, they made theirs. So I don't know what they're so jealous of.

Maybe jealous of the ability to put your child before the desire for material things? Maybe jealous/worried that someday their child may realize they put their desire for material things above wanting to spend time with them?

[AdminAssistant]

I believe these wives could stay home if they were willing to make the financial sacrifices we have. They're just not willing to.

They could also be in careers where they *can't* take 5 or 10 or 18 years off to stay at home with their kids. I will never be able to stay at home with my children, if I have them, because I want to be an academic. If I take even just 5 years off until they're in school, I wouldn't be able to get a job at even the crappiest community college. My skills would be considered 'stale' and I wouldn't be up on the latest trends, research, etc. Even the 6-8 weeks of maternity leave is going to be difficult to navigate. Basically, if the baby isn't born in May, I miss out on a whole semester of work, which may or may not be paid depending on what kind of contract I have.

Other fields have this, too. If they work in a highly technical field, then taking years off means that their skills are rusty, and what're the odds that they'll be able to continue their careers then? Not everyone is concerned about finances, many women want to have fulfilling and productive careers because we've earned the right to do so. I think it's actually healthier, because if you've devoted *your life* to your children, what do you do when they move out? You turn into my mother and drive your adult children insane with your clingyness and codependence, that's what.

I plan on being a working mother, and I kinda resent the implication that I won't be as good of a parent as a SAHM or that my children will suffer. It's a reality for a lot of women that we need or want to work.

[anakhouri]

I didn't say there was anything wrong with working mothers. Some woman want to work, and there is nothing wrong with that. Their children are still cared for and it's better for them if their mother is happy working, then if she stayed home and was miserable. My mom worked and I am just fine.

To generalize what I said, I don't like it when people want something, but aren't willing to do the work to have it, then complain that they don't have it.

(one of the wives in question is a pediatrician, so yeah, she couldn't just leave her field and return in 5 years...but she knew that when she chose her career, so I don't have sympathy for her bitching).

[guywithashovel]

I sometimes catch myself scratching my head wondering how a family can function with both parents working full time careers. I can see it working if the kids are older, but it seems like it could be a huge juggling act if the kids are little or are babies. Babies and small children can't be left alone. And even if the kids are in school, the parents may have to take more than a few days off if they get sick, which can happen a lot when they're little. When I was in kindergarten and first grade, I missed quite a bit of school because of strep throat and bronchitis. My mom was a SAH mom at the time, so time off wasn't a problem.

In some situations, I can see it working. Consider my sister and her husband. Sis just had a baby in May. After her maternity leave, she went right back to work (she's a teacher). Her husband works, too, but he's a substitute teacher, so he has a somewhat sporadic work schedule and can sometimes be at home with the baby during the day. Also, her husband has a big family, and they all live close by, so they have a good network of people who can help them.

However, if a couple doesn't have such a network, the only option I can think of is daycare. But if the kids get sick, you can't take them to daycare (I wouldn't think so).

Of course, many parents scoff at people like me for even considering these things.

[BlaqueKatt]

I think it's actually healthier, because if you've devoted *your life* to your children, what do you do when they move out? You turn into my mother and drive your adult children insane with your clingyness and codependence, that's what.

Not all women are your mother. What did my mom do when my sister and I moved out. She was a registered nurse, so since her skills were "rusty", she became a CNA. Didn't drive me or my sister insane-in fact until she was forced to take disability for health reasons-we barely heard from her. She found other things to do after we were grown.

SAHM vs. WOHM is a personal choice, it's a decision that must be made hopefully as a team of both parents, with consideration for everything.

If you crunched the numbers and found out paying for daycare would cost almost twice as much money as you make-would it still be worth it? Does your child have health problems? Can one of us work part-time? Can we work opposite shifts?

These are the realities of becoming a parent-and only some of the things that need to be considered. It's not really a decision that can be made in advance.

Originally I wanted to go back to work. Things didn't work out that way, we made the decision together.

In my situation, daycare, diapers, and artificial infant milk would've cost more than twice what I would be bringing in, so working would've actually cost us money in the long run(with what he made we would've had less than $600 a month for food and bills-so half of what we had when I quit working). In addition to that, my son was deathly allergic to anything other than breastmilk, and I couldn't pump.

I also realized after spending that first 6 weeks with my son that I didn't want to leave him with strangers(no family close by-even if he didn't have the allergies he did), is that wrong? No, but quite a few working mothers tried to tell me it was. I had no opinion on their choices, as it was their family, their choice, but they sure felt the need to question and deride my choices. Even after they knew about my son's health issues. I wasn't "fulfilling my potential as a modern woman", and I was (according to some), "setting back woman's rights 50 years".

You make the decision that's right for the family, once a child enters the picture, it's not "all about you" anymore. If working works for your family, great! If it doesn't, great! If you can work and your spouse is willing and able to take care of the kids, great!

If I had been totally adamant about "I need to go back to work", my son would've died. But I guess in that case my wants are more important than my child's needs?

Sometimes life gets in the way while we're making other plans.