If You Love Me ...

[Hyena Dandy]

I suppose when talking about permission and such, I should bring my relationship up. My boyfriend is submissive. Very submissive. He does have to ask for permission for everything, because he likes it better that way. He expects me to be upset if he does something without asking, because he likes to feel controlled. He wants to feel like I own him, and I guess me acting like that is part of the compromise. I compromise with his personal preferences by being... Well, shrewish.

If their relationship was like ours, I can see how doing something he really wanted would be seen as a gift, or a reward. That said, I highly doubt he IS in what is essentially a Master/pet relationship. So, I do believe in compromise, but what I don't like is when a compromise is presented as a 'gift.'

If they get together and decided that he'd cut down on gaming conventions to once a year, I can understand that. But unless he's in a relationship that is based on him having to ask for things, I don't think that him going to a convention should be treated as a gift. Compromise needs to go both ways.

[HEMI6point1]

Being that this is sort of a spin-off of sorts of my thread, I'll throw in my $.02....

Since I don't game, I'll use another example: cars.

I love going to car shows and special shows the local drag strip has, as well a big National Event drag race that's held every march in the northern part of the state with my father.

If I am ever so lucky to win the powerball, I'm upgrading myself from spectator to racer. It won't be a 300mph dragster or anything like that, it would be a car like this: http://www.autoguide.com/auto-news/2...drag-pack.html. Keep in mind that as I said in that other thread there's a bigger danger of dying on the highway than on the race track.

Now, if I meet a girl (should have no trouble if I'm a lottery winner finding a girl*) and she says "if you step one foot in that car I'm going to leave you," there are two outcomes:

1. If I see there wasn't much of a future with her anyway, then she can go take a hike. Don't let the door hit 'ya on your way out!
2. If I really saw a future with her or she was "the one," then I would hire someone to drive the car for me. Then everybody wins!

A buddy of mine asked me once, "What happens if you're married, and your wife is going to be honored with an award at her job and the ceremony is on the same day as one of your special shows, what are you going to do, blow her off?"

I simply told him, "A woman who is my wife would know coming in that I'm a huge car nut. She'll just have to be understanding. She knew months in advance I wanted to go to this once-a-year event and that's what it would be."

Now, OTOH....

Not to rehash the other thread but if my SO was with child and she was doing something that is going to harm her or the baby (like smoking, for example) then I have every right to beg her to stop.

*BTW I know I'm going off-topic here but there's an old saying that says "the more money you have, the better looking you are." Donald trump's kid looks like your average WoW geek but he has a smokin' model for a wife, why? Because he's freakin' loaded!

[Ginger Tea]

"You give up gaming conventions and I'll give up fucking other men." oh real fair compromise :P

[Ree]

I'm pretty sure that's not exactly what Boozy was saying with her example.

[Ginger Tea]

We'll its something thats traditionally expected to stop once you are in a relationship.

If money wasn't the issue, so no one is worried about hubby coming home with another batleth (sp) or Lightsaber and it's purely the time apart then what about her time apart pass times?

An active woman who rock climbs, white water rafts and other out of town long weekend excursions get's to the next level as a couple and she puts a limit on gaming conventions*, fairs fair, she should ditch all but one of her long weekend away trips (or however many conventions hes 'allowed').
she can take the rockclimbing to an indoors arena in town just as much as he can still have a regular gaming night x times a month.

But how many would see it as fair?
just as the "life's not fair suck it up" thread goes, some like to say it but don't like to hear it.

*still using the gaming conventions as I cannot be bothered thinking of anything else.

[Boozy]

An active woman who rock climbs, white water rafts and other out of town long weekend excursions get's to the next level as a couple and she puts a limit on gaming conventions*, fairs fair, she should ditch all but one of her long weekend away trips (or however many conventions hes 'allowed').
she can take the rockclimbing to an indoors arena in town just as much as he can still have a regular gaming night x times a month.

But how many would see it as fair?

That would be completely fair. It's the same thing.

It's not the "gaming" part of the excessive weekend conventions I'd have a problem with. It would be the "I'm using the lion's share of our vacation time and budget to do something just for me" part.

As I said, if my husband wants to do a convention, it's one a year. If I want to do a girl's weekend at the spa - it's one a year. It's fair for both of us.

"You give up gaming conventions and I'll give up fucking other men." oh real fair compromise

As far as this goes, I was mostly going for laughs when I made the comparison. But there's some truth behind it, too.

When someone enters a relationship, they're expected to give things up. Giving up sleeping with other people may be a "standard" clause, and giving up some gaming convention time is not, but both are fair game for negotiations.

[IDrinkaRum]

My problem is that I want to go to 2 different conventions, within a month's span of each other (give or take a few weeks).

I've been to Gen*Con a few times. Loved it! Want to go again.

I also want to go to Dragon*Con (which I have never been).

We could do the Gen*Con thing. It's usually held the week/weekend of our Wedding Anniversary (which I think is AWESOME).

However, Dragon*Con takes place right around the end-of-year budget crunch for the Fed Gov't which means long hours/days for Mr. Rum.

He doesn't want me to go to Dragon*Con without him.

See the dilemma?

Makes me a sad Rum.

But then again, I've found something else that happens around the same time as Dragon*Con, and I know he'd never go with me, so I'd like to go by myself. Have to figure out the logistics of babysitting and getting there. Might go ... some day.

But again, he puts a kabosh on it because it doesn't fit his schedule and he doesn't want me to go by myself.

GRRRRRRR.

[Ginger Tea]

Seeing as its something you both want to do its different, he can't make it and want's to go and you can go, it's like the "if I can't have you no body will" phrase, but less veiled threats of murder .

At my current job its nigh on impossible to get a good Christmas break, if your lucky you can get to go home at 11:30 on Christmas day, if like me you start at 10 you are in for the duration of however long it takes to do the job, longer if you need a driver to come back to have empty packing trays (we had over a hundred in stores now we need one driver back minimum to start).
Drivers however get the worst, some are not back till after 2 having started at 6.
But getting a week off to visit my mum when she was alive, no chance, I took my Christmas break in feburary, it meant more for me to be there in december as her birthday was the 25th (and my dad's would have been the 23rd) but there was no dice, at the time no one really wanted to do my job due to the cold and those that did used to royaly fuck it up. I lost track of how many days off I worked in the first 2 years due to this.

As I said in another post, summer music festivals are catered to the accademic break and jobs might be bias towards parents when it comes to who gets time off during those months.
There are many factors involved into what and where you can go, it sucks that I can't do something out of town or for a few days as I cannot get time off from work
I have the money
I have the anual leave saved up
I just can't get that week, sorry but that week is the only week this will happen for a year.

Being single and I aim to stay that way for the rest of the year, easy peasy for me I don't have to worry about if it affect's "together time" as I've stated you will want "far away time" just as much if not more. Instead I just have to worry about if anyone else who does my job is thinking of being off the same time as I plan to.

Back to the thread's hypothetical deal breaker (for me)
I've agreed that I will only do X and thats got a confirmed date 3 months before the event itself, I hand in my leave request and its denied due to someone else being off and they cant have both of us off. We'll that sucks, first come first served and other person handed in the request long before I knew the dates I wanted.

What if it wasn't just one convention a year but one specific one, I'm not allowed to go to plan B C or D, plan A or not at all.
if the original post was given plan A only not whcihever one you can get leave for, I would be pissed, yes I can't help others at work getting leave in first, but I would resent my only option being my only option.

As for together vacation times
I don't know about you, but right this moment I'm on forced leave for 2 weeks then 2 more in Feb and March (mostly due to me not going anywhere last year and we don't do a cash swap, use it or loose it.) and every 3 weeks I get a semi long weekend off Wed-Sun save for working Friday, so I know I can get a long weekend break by just booking the friday and monday off and do it every odd month or so, so baring long breaks away, thats together time away neatly sorted if other half works m-f, working weekends then it's even harder getting time to match, I could see couples at my place trying to get onto the same rota just to have some time together, but working together also, christ by the first day off I would want to be far away for a few hours.

[Andara Bledin]

When someone enters a relationship, they're expected to give things up. Giving up sleeping with other people may be a "standard" clause, and giving up some gaming convention time is not, but both are fair game for negotiations.

The thing about sleeping with others is that both sides give that up. Or, at least, so goes the theory. And thus, that breaks its relevance to this thread.

^-.-^

[Boozy]

The thing about sleeping with others is that both sides give that up. Or, at least, so goes the theory. And thus, that breaks its relevance to this thread.

How so?

It may or may not apply to your friend's situation, but we're talking about the broader issue.

[Ginger Tea]

How about "I go to whichever gaming con I like and you can take whichever college sports team that takes your fancy whilst I'm away?"

[Andara Bledin]

The thread is about one member of a relationship declaring, "If you love me, you will stop doing activity x." It's not about compromise, and it's not about debate. It's about a person using another person's love for them as leverage for making demands of the other person.

The whole 'not sleeping with others' is something that is a given in a committed monogamous relationship and applies equally to both members.

^-.-^

[LewisLegion]

Asking someone to stop or slim down doing a particular activity is fine. You have an adult discussion about it, and come to a compromise. That’s fine, and fair. That’s what a partnership should be. Flat out saying ‘now that we’re married you can’t collect baseball cards any more’ is ludicrous in my opinion. One spouse telling their friends they would go do an activity but they are not ‘allowed’ to any more due to something their spouse demanded…that’s too far.

My stepmother is one of these. My father has ‘rules’. She tells him how much time he’s allowed to do any given activity, how to spend his money (his earned paycheck, mind), and he has to ask her permission for everything. Now, he has his reasons to be still in the marriage (I don’t agree with them but…there you are), and as soon as my youngest sister turns 18 and leaves, he’s going to have divorce papers on her so quick it’ll make her head spin. THIS is what I’m talking about. What kind of mentality does a person have to have to want to control someone who’s supposed to be an EQUAL PARTNER like this?

And yes. Cheating would be a deal-breaker. I have my reasons, and I fully understand that for some, this would not be a deal-breaker. That’s fine.

[blas87]

I'm going to be really unpopular here, but a girlfriend and I are really starting to get sick of the "man rules" that her husband and my bf seem to think give them the right to go out and do whatever they want, whenever they want, because they need "guy time".

They are married, so it's just a peeve for her, but for me, my bf continually spending money on stuff that's stupid and that he can't afford is one of the many reasons he's still stuck at home. Now he's become obsessed with a guy's getaway for spring break, and my friend's husband told him that he cannot go, so my bf said he's "pussy-whipped" and needs to tell his wife that he'll do whatever he wants and quit letting her boss him around. Actually, the reason he said no is because they are still saving for a honeymoon and because she is having major surgery coming up.

[MadMike]

Blas, I have to agree with you on that one. If someone's habit is hurting the household financially (i.e. they're spending all their money on it and bills aren't getting paid), or if they're never home and neglecting the other person because of it, then there's a problem. But for someone to tell their s/o to give up something they like just because they think it's stupid... well, that's just wrong.