If You Love Me ...

[Andara Bledin]

This was inspired by a comment in another thread.

I just remember a thread here about someones GF telling her BF to dump alot of his gaming gear and to not game. Fuck. That. Shit.

I used to have a couple of friends that I only saw three times a year at gaming conventions. Fun guys.

Then one of them got married. To not only a non-gamer, but an anti-gamer. She allows him to attend one convention (of any kind, not just gaming) per year. She presents this as some sort of gift. I've seen him once in the last 4 years. The other guy, deprived of his ride (legally blind, and nearly legally deaf, too), was thus, also cut off.

I can't even conceive of making someone stop doing something they enjoy and doesn't cause anyone harm and holding my love for them hostage to do so.

I can't blame the guy for choosing her over gaming. He does love her, and he'd been wanting to start a family in the worst sort of way for years. I can't help but think that this sort of thing will be a thorn in their relationship forever, though. It may never come to anything, but then it could also fester and turn into something ugly down the road.

^-.-^

[MadMike]

If someone told me, "If you loved me, you'd give up your games", my reply would be, "If you loved me, you wouldn't ask me to."

[Elspeth]

Oh for the love of. How can you ask someone you love to give up something they love? And I think you are right Andara this will become a thorn in the relationship.

[Greenday]

My last girlfriend was pretty anti-games at first. I guess when she was younger she kinda dated a guy who played WoW and was a typical WoW player meaning he did nothing but play WoW. I got her to understand that my video gaming didn't interrupt us-time at all. I kept my video gaming to when she was busy and it was me-time.

[Ginger Tea]

I was trying to find the original thread, but no topic titles sprang out

iir there was a, perhaps hypothetical, singer in a band being asked nay told to no longer sing in his band as it was time away from her and the kicker was she was originally a groupie.
Sure they might not have been big time touring their country, but it was something he loved and ironicaly how they met.

Would you ask your other half who due to their job, eg oil rig, fisher man, armed forces, spent months away from home but brought home more money (perhaps not in the fishing job) than if they stayed and did a 9-5 job to quit if for said 9-5 lifestyle and then not bitch about the lack of funds?

[Boozy]

Then one of them got married. To not only a non-gamer, but an anti-gamer. She allows him to attend one convention (of any kind, not just gaming) per year. She presents this as some sort of gift.

Not knowing the full story, I can't say if that's reasonable or not. I'm assuming not, because Andara would know better than I about the full situation.

But - let me share a reason why someone might not want their spouse going to more than one convention a year.

My husband works upwards of 60 hours a week, and its very difficult for him to get time off. He can usually only get two or three long weekends (say, four or five days) - off in any year.

One of those long weekends is usually spent visiting his family, who live far away. That's not a problem for me, because family is important. Also, I usually try to join him, and I enjoy myself when I do, because I like my in-laws a great deal.

That leaves two long weekends.

If he spends both at conventions, we don't get a vacation together doing something we both enjoy.

So if he wants to go to a convention - it's one a year.

Time is finite, and a relationship requires attention.

[AdminAssistant]

Time is finite, and a relationship requires attention.

Exactly. Yeah, I have asked Fiance to cut back on his WoW playing. I insist on us eating dinner together in the living room instead of at our separate computers. And he's okay with that. We both like to play video games, but we need our "us" time as well.

I also have to wonder about finances. Long trips cost money, and a couple planning on kids and such may not have the cash to spare to attend conventions multiple times a year.

[LexiaFira]

Can see the whole wanting time for the relationship/marriage. But cutting it out completely? And also by doing so cutting off the other person who depends on him as a ride who probably also helps with the costs. thats a guess tho.

When I married I knew I was marrying a gamer/comicbook/computer geek who would collect such until he died and to ask him to leave it or stop completely would be like unto asking him to stop seeing his babies. I asked him to organize and budget his spending....
Point being I cannot see it working out unless that guy is really willing to sacrifice alot for her and even then...i suppose this is one of those times when opposites attract and it works out yet leaves everyone wondering

[IDrinkaRum]

I married a gamer. He's a DM. He runs games. His old gaming group ran a 250+ person convention for 3 years running. (HochCon for those interested - during the time it was Living Greyhawk as the adventure at the gaming conventions).

I don't mind my husband gaming. As long as it's either at our house or at a local house. I don't like him driving late at night when he's tired.

He's burned himself out for right now. But I know he'll get the gaming bug and it'll be another 6 months to a year.

I would never dream of asking him to give up gaming. Or his comic books (which would be hypocritical as I collect certain comics myself).

The only thing I ask is for him to be considerate of the noise level if the game is at our house (trying to get Child Rum to sleep when there's a game going on in an adventure in and of itself).

Talking about gaming, Child Rum is good at playing the Sonic games for both the PS3 and the Wii. Yes, we're raising a girl gamer.

[Amanita]

To see my thoughts on this subject, go here:
http://forums.thecustomsabershop.com...hlight=justify

My two posts are the second one down, and the last one.

[Ginger Tea]

going by the saber thread, if you pay your half of the rent and bills anything left from your own wage packet is your money and anything left from hers is hers.

I'm single and have been for longer than I care to remember, but I would not give up anything that I can afford to do, If we were both saving up for something big like a house, then yeah I would expect to limit my spending but not throw away what I already have as its money already spent, I would also expect her to be limiting her spending too.

If for example the big spend was a fancy wedding, I know traditionally the parents used to pay for this (never understood that bit). I'm not big on frivalous spending*, so if she wanted to spend thousands on something that could be bought/rented for hundreds, well she can save up for it
but thats probably a whole different thread altogether

*I do have a collectors bug for sometimes stupid things, but thats mostly due to them being numbered and I don't want a gap in the set, even if I will never read or listen to it.
eg the 100 Hits: collections, each has a DMG 100 xxx code and I have most, 2 are unreleased in the 50's and the rest I have not found in stores so will order online

[Boozy]

Can see the whole wanting time for the relationship/marriage. But cutting it out completely?

If you're referring to the OP, the person in question has not cut gaming, nor gaming conventions even, out of their lives entirely. They're just down to one convention per year.

Relationships involved compromise and negotiation to be successful. It would be nice if everyone could be their own special selves all the time, doing whatever they'd like with their time and money, and still have a successful relationship. But that's not usually how things work.

If someone's seriously into any hobby, and can't see themselves giving an inch in that regard, then that's a deal-breaker for them. They should find another gamer to marry - one who takes the hobby as seriously as they do - or resign themselves to being single.

Most of my husband's gaming friends are still single - or married to other gamers. My husband didn't marry a gamer, so that means he games a bit less than he used to. I'm not forcing him to give anything up; he's choosing to spend less time and money gaming so he can build a life with me based on the common ground that we do share.

[Ree]

I'm not forcing him to give anything up; he's choosing to spend less time and money gaming so he can build a life with me based on the common ground that we do share.

Exactly!

As you said, Boozy, we don't know the full details of the situation, and assume that the OP does, but is it possible that the person is not being forced to give it up?

I know other gamers might not comprehend that another diehard gamer might willingly make the compromise to give up the conventions because they have found someone to share their life and start a family, and that means more to them.

I wouldn't dare ask someone I loved to give up something they enjoy, but I would expect, if they want to be in a relationship with me, that they actually do take time away from their gaming to spend time with me.

Conventions are expensive, and as you mentioned, Boozy, they can end up eating up valuable time that could be spent with a partner enjoying mutual things.

[Andara Bledin]

First, I have no difficulty in understanding gamers moving their priorities to their families. I've got about half a dozen friends that used to be part of my particular gaming crew that are all now married with kids and don't do the gaming thing much, if at all, any more.

However, in this case, he made it quite clear that the only reason he would no longer be attending was because his fiancee essentially forbid him from going to conventions any more. When he did show up the one time, he let us know that it was some sort of "gift" from her, that he could choose to attend one convention per year.

From an outsider's perspective, never having met the woman (it's not like she'd ever gone to any conventions with him), she mostly just wanted him to never do anything without her and she wasn't willing to do the things he usually did. And rather than compromising with him she gave a royal decree.

He obviously loves her, and I know he's totally gaga for their kids, which he'd been wanting to have for years. But I also know that he wants to be going to the conventions he's missing and chafes at the fact that she essentially made the decision for him.

^-.-^

[Ree]

Well, like I said, Andara, we don't know the people involved, and you do.

Just doing a "devil's advocate" kind of thing on the issue of people making their partner give up gaming and conventions, rather than commenting on this particular couple.