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My Abusive Ex (lots of venting)
I'm sorry for all this in advance, but I really need to vent.
I haven't been with my ex for 5 years now. Only recently have issues from my relationship with him been bubbling to the surface. I've been realizing that he was most likely emotionally abusive and definitely manipulative, probably through most, if not all, of our 5.5-year relationship.
Within the first 6 months he was making subtle and not-so-subtle comments that would make me feel unattractive, worthless, and ugly. He would tell me things about his sexual experience with his exes that I told him I didn't want to know, but he kept doing it anyway. He would make little remarks regarding intimate details in our relationship to his friends while I was there also, which I thought at the time was only embarrassing but now realize how humiliated it made me feel. He would disrespect me all the time, either doing things he knew would make me feel lessened or promising me things and then disregarding them and doing whatever he wanted.
He would almost never come out with me when I went to hang out with my friends or family. My friends used to dub him the imaginary boyfriend, because honestly some of them never met him. The only time he really spent any time with my family was on Christmas. I would always attend his family get-togethers unless I had to work. It was only when our relationship was on its last legs that he seemed to make any sort of effort to attend other family events with me.
He never told me that I couldn't go hang out with friends or see family, but I think by refusing to accompany me it made me go out less. The few times he did hang out with my friends and I it was really awkward and we ended up not sticking around very long. I would hang out with him and his friends all the time, though. Granted, I had known many of them before him and I were together, but they were still more his friends than they were mine.
It got really bad toward the end, once I started realizing that he might not be the person for me. A friend of mine passed away and I was really broken up about it. He brushed my grief aside saying that since I hadn't been super close with my friend that I should allow his real friends and family to receive the sympathy since they 'deserved' it more. Another friend, who is now my husband, was the one to comfort me and let me grieve for my loss. I think that was really the catalyst for the collapse of my relationship with my ex.
Once the collapse really began and I started getting closer with my now-husband, my ex turned psychotic. He threatened suicide, he cut himself in front of me, he called me horrible names, he belittled me, he threatened my now-husband, he stalked us. One night he went over to my best friend's apartment and tried to get her on his side with his woe-is-me stories. He told my now-husband about intimate things that went one between my ex and I, and used vulgar language to boot. He admitted to me and my now-husband that he was a good manipulator. He was able to turn tears on and off in the blink of an eye. He was frightening.
There was so much upheaval at the time, as well as love that was still there for my ex and all my emotions being tugged around, that there were a lot of things that I didn't realize. I think I buried them, and recently they've begun to seep through the surface. I feel like I was lied to and manipulated throughout my entire relationship with my ex. I feel like I was taken advantage of and frankly, I feel incredibly stupid. My husband likens it to someone falling victim to a con-artist who saps away a bunch of money. Only I happened to fall in love with an emotional con-artist who took my heart and emotions for a ride through hell.
There's no doubt that he was controlling. I've even been wondering if his mom had been trying to control me in a way, too. I wonder if they both were trying to create a rift between me and my parents. My relationship with my parents at the time wasn't the greatest. I was in my early 20s and was still getting over my rebellious I-hate-my-mom teenage girl thing, and I look back and see instances where his mom may have been planting negative ideas and feelings in my head about my parents. Whether or not that is the case, I honestly will probably never know. And regardless, I am still responsible for my own actions and thoughts.
Recently my husband and I have been having a few issues that we're working through, and I seriously think that some of them stem from my issues with my ex. And it pisses me right the fuck off to think that after 5 years away from that asshole he still has that kind of control over me. And I have no idea where or how to begin healing. I know talking about it will probably help. My husband and I have been talking about these things recently and I already feel closer to him again. I think that I had built up a wall around my perceived vulnerabilities in fear of getting so utterly hurt again, and that was also taking its toll on my relationship with my husband.
Putting up walls is nothing new. I've dealt with depression for many years. I grew up with an alcoholic father who often chose the bar over being at home with my mom and I, a passive-aggressive mother who would sometimes make jabs at me in front of my friends, and both as a couple who I'm surprised didn't get divorced with how much screaming they hurled at each other.
My relationship with my parents is actually really good now, though. I think that we've all grown up and matured. I won't say that I don't still hold scars from my childhood, because I do and probably always will, but I don't feel like that's as big of an issue anymore. I've done a lot of writing about this subject as well as some therapy years ago, and for the most part I hold no ill feelings toward my parents. I don't think they meant any harm, they were just dealing with life, too. I'm almost positive my mom suffers from some sort of untreated depression and I believe some of her actions stem from that. It's not an excuse for any less-than-stellar behavior on her part, but it's something I can sort of understand.
My ex, though... I think he did mean ill will. I think he was actively trying to control me and use my vulnerabilities against me. And when I finally started breaking away, he cracked. Even his mom seemed like she was trying to help him control me. Almost 2 years after we broke up, when I had been dating my now-husband for a while, I saw her at a wedding and she told me point-blank that her son would still marry me in a heartbeat if I took him back. Seriously?! Who the fuck says that? And every time she would see me at my old job, she would make comments about how the family was doing and all that, in a tone that seemed to mean "See what you could still be a part of?".
Wow, I'm rambling horribly. I apologize for the wall of text, but it feels good to get some of this off my chest. It's apparently been building for 5 years
I haven't been with my ex for 5 years now. Only recently have issues from my relationship with him been bubbling to the surface. I've been realizing that he was most likely emotionally abusive and definitely manipulative, probably through most, if not all, of our 5.5-year relationship.
Within the first 6 months he was making subtle and not-so-subtle comments that would make me feel unattractive, worthless, and ugly. He would tell me things about his sexual experience with his exes that I told him I didn't want to know, but he kept doing it anyway. He would make little remarks regarding intimate details in our relationship to his friends while I was there also, which I thought at the time was only embarrassing but now realize how humiliated it made me feel. He would disrespect me all the time, either doing things he knew would make me feel lessened or promising me things and then disregarding them and doing whatever he wanted.
He would almost never come out with me when I went to hang out with my friends or family. My friends used to dub him the imaginary boyfriend, because honestly some of them never met him. The only time he really spent any time with my family was on Christmas. I would always attend his family get-togethers unless I had to work. It was only when our relationship was on its last legs that he seemed to make any sort of effort to attend other family events with me.
He never told me that I couldn't go hang out with friends or see family, but I think by refusing to accompany me it made me go out less. The few times he did hang out with my friends and I it was really awkward and we ended up not sticking around very long. I would hang out with him and his friends all the time, though. Granted, I had known many of them before him and I were together, but they were still more his friends than they were mine.
It got really bad toward the end, once I started realizing that he might not be the person for me. A friend of mine passed away and I was really broken up about it. He brushed my grief aside saying that since I hadn't been super close with my friend that I should allow his real friends and family to receive the sympathy since they 'deserved' it more. Another friend, who is now my husband, was the one to comfort me and let me grieve for my loss. I think that was really the catalyst for the collapse of my relationship with my ex.
Once the collapse really began and I started getting closer with my now-husband, my ex turned psychotic. He threatened suicide, he cut himself in front of me, he called me horrible names, he belittled me, he threatened my now-husband, he stalked us. One night he went over to my best friend's apartment and tried to get her on his side with his woe-is-me stories. He told my now-husband about intimate things that went one between my ex and I, and used vulgar language to boot. He admitted to me and my now-husband that he was a good manipulator. He was able to turn tears on and off in the blink of an eye. He was frightening.
There was so much upheaval at the time, as well as love that was still there for my ex and all my emotions being tugged around, that there were a lot of things that I didn't realize. I think I buried them, and recently they've begun to seep through the surface. I feel like I was lied to and manipulated throughout my entire relationship with my ex. I feel like I was taken advantage of and frankly, I feel incredibly stupid. My husband likens it to someone falling victim to a con-artist who saps away a bunch of money. Only I happened to fall in love with an emotional con-artist who took my heart and emotions for a ride through hell.
There's no doubt that he was controlling. I've even been wondering if his mom had been trying to control me in a way, too. I wonder if they both were trying to create a rift between me and my parents. My relationship with my parents at the time wasn't the greatest. I was in my early 20s and was still getting over my rebellious I-hate-my-mom teenage girl thing, and I look back and see instances where his mom may have been planting negative ideas and feelings in my head about my parents. Whether or not that is the case, I honestly will probably never know. And regardless, I am still responsible for my own actions and thoughts.
Recently my husband and I have been having a few issues that we're working through, and I seriously think that some of them stem from my issues with my ex. And it pisses me right the fuck off to think that after 5 years away from that asshole he still has that kind of control over me. And I have no idea where or how to begin healing. I know talking about it will probably help. My husband and I have been talking about these things recently and I already feel closer to him again. I think that I had built up a wall around my perceived vulnerabilities in fear of getting so utterly hurt again, and that was also taking its toll on my relationship with my husband.
Putting up walls is nothing new. I've dealt with depression for many years. I grew up with an alcoholic father who often chose the bar over being at home with my mom and I, a passive-aggressive mother who would sometimes make jabs at me in front of my friends, and both as a couple who I'm surprised didn't get divorced with how much screaming they hurled at each other.
My relationship with my parents is actually really good now, though. I think that we've all grown up and matured. I won't say that I don't still hold scars from my childhood, because I do and probably always will, but I don't feel like that's as big of an issue anymore. I've done a lot of writing about this subject as well as some therapy years ago, and for the most part I hold no ill feelings toward my parents. I don't think they meant any harm, they were just dealing with life, too. I'm almost positive my mom suffers from some sort of untreated depression and I believe some of her actions stem from that. It's not an excuse for any less-than-stellar behavior on her part, but it's something I can sort of understand.
My ex, though... I think he did mean ill will. I think he was actively trying to control me and use my vulnerabilities against me. And when I finally started breaking away, he cracked. Even his mom seemed like she was trying to help him control me. Almost 2 years after we broke up, when I had been dating my now-husband for a while, I saw her at a wedding and she told me point-blank that her son would still marry me in a heartbeat if I took him back. Seriously?! Who the fuck says that? And every time she would see me at my old job, she would make comments about how the family was doing and all that, in a tone that seemed to mean "See what you could still be a part of?".
Wow, I'm rambling horribly. I apologize for the wall of text, but it feels good to get some of this off my chest. It's apparently been building for 5 years
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