When the term "passive aggressive" is just thrown around

[Ree]

People really don't know what that term really means.

People can be sarcastic.
I'm sarcastic.
That doesn't make me passive aggressive.

I will joke about it at times, but when I look at the definition of the word, I find that a lot of people who are being labelled as PA and some who label themselves as PA, really aren't.

True passive aggressiveness is a personality disorder.

http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/e...cle/000943.htm
People with this disorder resent responsibility and show it through their behaviors, rather than by openly expressing their feelings. They often use procrastination, inefficiency, and forgetfulness to avoid doing what they need to do or have been told by others to do.

Some common symptoms of passive-aggressive personality disorder include:

* Acting sullen
* Avoiding responsibility by claiming forgetfulness
* Being inefficient on purpose
* Blaming others
* Complaining
* Feeling resentment
* Having a fear of authority
* Having unexpressed anger or hostility
* Procrastinating
* Resisting other people's suggestions

A person with this disorder may appear to comply with another's wishes and may even demonstrate enthusiasm for those wishes. However, they:

* Perform the requested action too late to be helpful
* Perform it in a way that is useless
* Sabotage the action to show anger that they cannot express in words

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passive...ssive_behavior
Passive–aggressive behavior, a personality trait, is passive, sometimes obstructionist resistance to following through with expectations in interpersonal or occupational situations. It is a personality trait marked by a pervasive pattern of negative attitudes and passive, usually disavowed resistance in interpersonal or occupational situations.

It can manifest itself as learned helplessness, procrastination, stubbornness, resentment, sullenness, or deliberate/repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible.

* Ambiguity or speaking cryptically: a means of engendering a feeling of insecurity in others
* Chronically being late and forgetting things: another way to exert control or to punish.
* Fear of competition
* Fear of dependency
* Fear of intimacy as a means to act out anger: The passive–aggressive often cannot trust. Because of this, they guard themselves against becoming intimately attached to someone.
* Making chaotic situations
* Making excuses for non-performance in work teams
* Obstructionism
* Procrastination
* Sulking
* Victimization response: instead of recognizing one's own weaknesses, tendency to blame others for own failures.

I really wish people would get the definition right.

[Boozy]

LOL - Those definitions describe every teenager ever.

I'm assuming if someone reaches adulthood and they're still acting like that, then they could be diagnosed with the personality disorder at that point.

[HYHYBT]

One thing I'm uncertain about: several of those have reasons attached to them. Which is good: but, for example, is that list claiming that, for example, "chronically being late and forgetting things" is always "to exert control or punish," or only that, when it really is done for that purpose (rather than, say, being easily distracted) it counts as passive aggressiveness?

I forget stuff all the time; but it's at *least* as frustrating to me as to anyone else. Leaving things behind, for instance: even with ways of compensating, I fairly often lock my keys in either the house or the car, or have to go back in and get my wallet; yesterday, my second day at a new job delivering pizzas, I grabbed my first run, took it out, saw I hadn't put the sign on the car yet, went back for it, started the car, realized I hadn't picked up change money yet... any annoyance that sort of thing caused anyone else pales compared to my annoyance and embarrassment having to keep running back in after things. I'm late fairly often, mainly to whatever the first thing is I have to be at at a certain time that day, but I'm nearly as likely to be late to something I really want to do as to something I dread. (I actually am better at arriving on time if I allow as little time as possible and hope nothing comes up. If I allow a little extra, something *will* and it will take longer than the extra I allowed; if I allow a *lot* extra, I'll get distracted by something else... such as having a few minutes this morning to check email, finding this on RSS, and unexpectedly spending far longer than I meant to, or had, composing a post. Now I'm going to be late to church.) Ambiguity/speaking cryptically? Only intentionally when I'm trying to avoid a subject, but sometimes my sense of humor comes across that way.

[Ree]

I think it's saying that someone who is chronically late and forgetful could exhibit PA tendencies, but in and of itself, that is not a straight up diagnosis of the condition.

There are usually other behaviours coupled with the late and forgetful in order for it to be PA.

Sometimes, a person isn't really aware that their constant habit of being late or never remembering anything are not simply because they are easily distracted or just a bit scatterbrained.
Sometimes, it really is a subconscious thing.

[Rageaholic]

Yikes, that sounds a bit like me! Though I wonder if it's just symptoms of anxiety or depression. Maybe they can overlap?

[Hyena Dandy]

See, I do have friends who are very passive aggressive. I have an ex like that. Sarcasm isn't passive aggressive. Its just sarcasm. Completely different.

[Boozy]

Yikes, that sounds a bit like me! Though I wonder if it's just symptoms of anxiety or depression. Maybe they can overlap?

How old are you, though? I wasn't entirely joking when I said it sounds like every teenager ever.

Passive-aggressive behaviour is a pretty normal stage for young people to go through, and it's entirely normal. If part of the diagnostic criteria sounds like you, I really wouldn't worry about it.

Besides, a lot of that sounds like me sometimes, too. Who hasn't "felt resentment", "complained", or "procrastinated"? You're really supposed to look at the whole picture, not just a few things.

I think it's safe to say that sarcastic comments aren't passive-aggressive. They're just delightfully bitchy.

[Rageaholic]

I'm in my 20s, not too long since I've been a teenager so maybe that could explain my behavior. IDK, I'm not too worried, but it's ironic that most of these things could be applied to me. Then again, most of these could apply to anybody. The only thing I'm not guilty of is being PURPOSELY inefficent. Maybe that's the difference here.

[Andara Bledin]

It's not so much a matter that you do any of these things, but the motivation behind doing them.

I'm an inveterate procrastinator. If I say I'll do something, I will do it, but I will wait until the last minute more often than not. Not because I have any agenda, but because I'm generally lazy and easily distracted.

Someone who was PA would make a point of waiting purposefully to irritate the person who told them to do whatever. Perhaps in the hopes of getting out of it, or maybe just to annoy them.

^-.-^

[Ree]

I think it's safe to say that sarcastic comments aren't passive-aggressive. They're just delightfully bitchy.

Exactly!!!
I am bitchy.
"Delightfully bitchy"? Maybe not so much, but definitely bitchy.

Seriously, on occasion, I have been called passive aggressive because somebody didn't like what I said, or they just took it the wrong way.

The difference, as Andara said, would be the motivation.

In some cases, it's also the perception of the other person.

I don't deliberately set out to piss people off. I just do.

[Andara Bledin]

I don't deliberately set out to piss people off. I just do.

It's a talent.

... or maybe an art?

^-.-^

[Peppergirl]

Meh.

Regardless of the definition, I'd much rather be *labeled* passive-aggressive than to actually *be* a two-faced drama queen with a persecution complex.

I seem to know a few of those, unfortunately.

[blas87]

I may be guilty, because I always thought it was someone who had an awful demeanor but would come across as sweet or nice to get your attention, but then would proceed to tear you a new asshole.

[bainsidhe]

I may be guilty, because I always thought it was someone who had an awful demeanor but would come across as sweet or nice to get your attention, but then would proceed to tear you a new asshole.

And I always thought it was someone who, instead of coming right out and acting sarcastic and rude, will sprinkle back-stabbing little tidbits in regular conversation alongside a guilt trip. Something like "Gee, I would think a company of your standing would value their long-time customers. I'm surprised you're not even willing to do something small like expediting our order ahead of (other long-time customers who ordered first). You know I can ask your competitors and they'll do it, I'm just disappointed you won't even consider helping us." It's one thing when a sarcastic or angry tone is present. Annoying yes, but I can brush it off. When it's said with fake sincerity all in the name of twisting my arm and getting their way, nothing ticks me off faster.

[blas87]

I've come to learn that if it isn't a teenager or other youngster doing it, it's someone who was either never raised properly to, or just never cared to, learn how to deal with things in an adult and mature way, and uses little rude "hints" and "clues" to get others to see and realize how mad or angry they are.

The silent treatment is probably the #1 most passive aggressive trait, though people claim there are exceptions, people who deliberately do it because they know it gets results from others are passive aggressive because they lack the maturity or fortitude to just confront a person.

Another passive aggressive trait is thinking your little mind games or petty actions affect anyone else negatively, when they mostly affect you. Purposely show up late to work to "show" everyone how mad you are about yesterday at work, you just hurt yourself when you don't know what everyone else knows from being there on time. Or that when you're going to throw your silent treatment hissy fits, you just end up wanting to beat the wall because you aren't getting to anyone. Everyone else just ignores you or goes around you because they don't care what your problem is or are having a decent day and don't want you mucking it with your issue with someone from three days ago. Or ya know, thinking that if you ignore someone's calls or texts long enough, they'll beg and plead with you to forgive them or say what's wrong.