I don't mean to be...but...

[Abby_Normal]

I hate that phrase!

I don't mean to be rude but...
I don't mean to sound racist but...
I don't mean to come off conceited but...

It's like saying that is supposed to make what you say alright and no one is going to be offended or put off.

I had a coworker today send an email with that phrase and instantly I took it in a rude tone. Had that phrase not been in there, the email would have been fine. So now instead of me being understanding how how she's feeling, I'm just thinking of her as being a bitch.

[RavenStarr]

Oh I hate people like that. Then they act all butt-hurt when you get mad at them. It's like when they start out with the phrase: "Don't take this the wrong way but...."

[blas87]

"Don't get mad at me, but-" is a sure way to send my blood pressure to unhealthy levels.

[Hyena Dandy]

I sometimes use that phrase, but usually its prefixed to something where what I'm saying is entirely independent of the possible implication.

"I'm not trying to come off racist, but I really don't like the Metco* kids"

More often I use the phrase "Oh shit, that wasn't supposed to be racist" which seems to anger people more than "I'm not trying to be..."

Which is weird. When I said "Goddamn Mexicans, get out of Arizona" I was honestly frustrated that a territory I [Republic of Texas] had previously conquered from the US had just been invaded by a 13000 man Mexican force.




*Bussing program that brought inner city kids to my highschool. The majority of them didn't really pay attention in class, made rude comments, and tended to mock people from my social group for being 'fags'.

[Greenday]

Anytime someone uses "...but..." to defend themselves, it becomes condencending.

[DrFaroohk]

I'm the opposite. People who just assume that "but" statements mean anything other than what the person saying them is trying to convey are, in my opinion, the stupidest people on the planet.

Obviously, as with ANYTHING ELSE, there are exceptions. For instance....

"I don't mean to be rude, but go fuck yourself."

"I'm not racist, I just hate black people."

"With all due respect, you can suck my cock."

But that's not even fair, because I deliberately created a false situation to try and prove a point.

There's plenty of times where it's perfectly find to use these phrases....

"I don't mean to be rude, but would you please put your penis away? We're in public."

"I'm not homophobic, but I believe marriage is between a man and a woman."

"With all due respect, that's a personal matter and I'd rather not discuss it with you."

As always, I prefer to follow these up with "Weren't you listening? I just said I wasn't racist/rude/offensive. If you had a better than room temperature IQ you'd have heard and understood me."

If you got a problem with the particular way someone phrases something, that's your hangup. Not mine.

[Boozy]

The OP is clearly talking about cases where these phrases are abused, DrFaroohk.

[Rageaholic]

Yeah, there are times when it's obvious the person is just being that very thing they say they aren't. Here's an example of this. Whether you like Obama or not, you have to admit that not wanting a man to be President because he's black is pretty fucking racist.

[Amanita]

I've used phrases like "with all due respect" and "No offense", and no, I wasn't using them to cover for saying something incredibly hateful and mean. Those phrases do have legitimate use, and I hate how they've become so abused that some people think there isn't a legit use for them anymore.

[DrFaroohk]

Yeah, some people just have stupid "rules" about things like that. They assume that anyone who says "no offense" is automatically offensive, regardless of what they said. People like that are what's wrong with everything in the world today. Seriously. Every bad thing in the world that's happening, from abusive dads, unfair bosses, cheating wives, corrupt politicians, crime, everything...all those people are the ones who are saying "YOU SAID WITH ALL DUE RESPECT THAT MEANS YOU'RE DISRESPECTFUL DERPA DERPA DERP DERP!"

Similar level of bullcrap: At my old job they taught us interview techniques and things to watch out for, and one of them was "The LYing statements." Any time someone said something like "Basically", they must be lying to you or full of crap in some way.

So yeah, people can suck. They just love to be as dumb as they can. I usually call them on it, and then they're like "Man you think you're better than everyone." No, I just think I'm better than YOU*, because you've proven your idiocy by taking that attitude with me.

* - being the generic YOU and not anyone in particular.

[Eisa]

"I don't mean to be rude, but would you please put your penis away? We're in public."

I'm sorry, but that phrase made me laugh like a loon.


I think most of the time, those phrases get used in the annoying way, but they do have their place in conversation sometimes to be polite.

[DrFaroohk]

I think also sometimes it can be used not to "clear" yourself of any wrongdoing, but to kind of skip over it...

Someone posted a link where a guy says "I'm not racist, but I don't think we should have a black president."

Ok, instead of just being a douche and focusing on the first part, why not focus on the second part? Debate about whether or not a black man can be a good president, not the way he phrased it.

[Abby_Normal]

I'm the opposite. People who just assume that "but" statements mean anything other than what the person saying them is trying to convey are, in my opinion, the stupidest people on the planet.

Thanks, I appreciate being called stupid by someone I've never met when I express my own opinion about something that irritates me. I think I'm going to add "...in my opinion..." to the list of abused phrases that irritate me.

Moving on...

This particular co-worker uses the phrase on a daily basis right as she's about to make a very rude/bitchy comment. My friend at work was ranting about this co-worker and her rudeness, specifically how CO thinks by using the phrase gives her a pass to say her rude statement.

I also had an ex who used the phrase to justify his highly racist comments and trying to hide his obvious hatred of anyone who wasn't white.

Now, I've used the phrase myself such as in this context:
"I don't mean to sound racist but why is it the black kid that's causing problems in my room? He really isn't helping diffuse the stereotype."

[Andara Bledin]

More often than not, any time you lead with a phrase that starts off, "I don't mean to be X," or "I'm not X-ist, but," you could probably just drop the entire phrase and avoid any chance of pre-disposing the recipient of your wisdom against you.

^-.-^

[MadMike]

I don't mean to be rude but...

I've been known to follow that one up with, "Then why are you?"