Abrasiveness

[blas87]

I'm mostly referring to CS, but as I was thinking of what to write, I also remembered some situations at work and dealing with my mother that irked me.

Before I get into detail, I am not pointing any fingers nor am I trying to force people to change who they are. Second of all, I understand that things written on message boards or on Facebook or wherever online are just written. They can easily be misinterpreted and taken the wrong way. Maybe I am all riled up over nothing...

It's just that sometimes I feel some people are overly abrasive......in some of the threads on CS where folk seek advice (none in particular, it can be any of them from beauty to relationship advice to pet advice or whatever), some of the replies and some of the attitudes just come across as really crass and like I've been stressing...abrasive.

I understand this may be the pot calling the kettle black, because I am a lot of people's least favorite person on CS because of some things I've written in the past and I'm not pretending to be perfect. It's just kind of ironic how a post about "Nazi moderators" or "Hypersensitivity from the mods" will get people into a frenzy and the replies are "No, everyone on this site is so nice, that's why it's so great!"....when someone makes an innocent and inquisitive post and some people tend to get overly blunt and sometimes excessively rude with their advice or responses. With all the new people we tend to bring in, I find that sometimes people immediately calling "Bullshit!" or people immediately saying something overly crass would tend to scare some newbies away or cause a thread to head in the wrong direction.

In dealing with real life....a lot of times I've tried to be funny and make my mom laugh, and she'll just be overly rude in response. I'm not even being a pervert or immature...just trying to get a smile out of her and she'll go "No, that's really NOT the way it is..." oh whatever, Mom.
Anyone agree, disagree?

[Boozy]

The big thing to remember is that tone is very hard to convey in the written word. That's why everyone wants to be an author but only a few people can actually make a living at it.

Like everyone, I'm sure that I've posted a few things that have been misinterpreted by others as callous or snide, when my intention was anything but. I'm sure you've done the same.

I'd suggest using your ignore list if you find there is a certain member (and there are definitely a few) who is constantly making abrasive remarks. But if its just one post here and there, I'd ask yourself:

What is this poster's history like? Is this out of character for them?
If so, am I possibly misinterpreting what they are saying here?
Are they speaking about a topic that I tend to take too personally? (I struggle with this one here at Fratching sometimes)

Also realize that members are real people, and can have bad days. We don't ever know the full story behind a post, so sometimes the best course of action for those uncharacteristic posts is to just shrug, ignore, and move on.

If I see a post that's so abrasive as to be really beyond the pale, I report it. Otherwise, I laugh it off. I refuse to let a few off-hand comments here and there ruin the relaxation I get from posting here and on CS.

[DesignFox]

I agree with Boozy.

Sometimes, I've said a thing or two that came across as really harsh to someone else. And I really wasn't trying to be! I know tone is difficult to interpret from writing, so if someone calls me out for something I've said (or I re-read it later and think it sounds harsh) I'll try to clarify.

Maybe, if someone says something that bothers you, you can ask them to clarify their intentions. If you don't want to do it in the thread, maybe you can send them a friendly PM.

[blas87]

Those I am thinking of constantly make abrasive remarks. It's just who they are, I guess it's just something we need to learn to accept. Everyone is different.

I also guess you can't say "It's not what you said, it's how you said it" online because, we have already concluded, anyone can interpret something said online in many different ways.

[Seshat]

I also guess you can't say "It's not what you said, it's how you said it" online because, we have already concluded, anyone can interpret something said online in many different ways.

You can, actually. There are many different ways to write something. For instance, if I were to want to say that (since this is a thread about abrasiveness) everything Boozy says is a crock of crap, I could say it one of these ways:

Boozy sucks.

It's well known that Boozy is a member of that class of people who lack the sophistication to understand the intricacies of this situation.

Actually, I disagree with you, Boozy. My own experiences and research lead me to believe pretty much the opposite of what you've said.

(Boozy, I hope you don't mind being my example here. )

Anyway, I think the three examples are pretty clear that 'how you say it' still matters in text.

[Slytovhand]

I find that personality can be really hard to decipher online. I recall posts from various members on here that have resulted in some flaming, though I feel I get what the poster was getting at, and thus don't see what the flamer was getting at at all.

It can be easy to do a - but that doesn't really show just how much the person can be saying something either tongue in cheek, or how light-hearted a comment (or opinion or expression) is supposed to be taken.

For m, it's the same with USING CAPS LOCK. While it is supposed to be shouting, I personally just see it as a form of emphasis.

And all that would presume that even if the personality does come through in the post, that it would be 'liked'. I (apparently) have a 'strong' personality, which apparently puts some people off at work (or so I've been told....). Which would mean, if I'm being abrasive, I'm not likely to notice it - only that that person seems to avoid me.

So I'd add to Boozy's list with - perhaps the way you express yourself and communicate, and the way they (singular or plural) express themselves and communicate, aren't on the same wavelength (which is about both what or how something is being said, and the intention or message behind it).

Maybe as DesignFox said (and no doubt others thought) - maybe drop them a PM. The sort of response you get should be a good indicator... (I'd certainly not have an issue with getting one if I'm in the abrasive category...)


Slyt

[RecoveringKinkoid]

I'm gonna tell you a story here because I think it illustrates a very good point here.

I have a painting in my house of a field of sunflowers. The sky is dark clouds, breaking up to reveal blue sky underneath. A ray of bright sun cuts through the disolving storm. Sunflowers blaze in the forground. Blackbirds rise into the sky in the background and a faint rainbow is visible in the retreating stormclouds as the light shines in them. To me, the painting is fresh, hopefull, a quenching summer rain on grateful flowers and the sunshine after the darkness.

Friend of mine is all like "Damn, that's an oppressive painting." I'm flabbergasted at this. He says "Big storm coming to pound the sunflower field, crows rising up like carrion birds, the sun being blotted out. It's all tense and forboding. Geeze, it's freaking scary.



How anyone could interpret this painting the way he did is a mystery to me. I'm sure he could say the same about my interpretation of it.

I guess we need two things here when posting on line:
1. A thick skin when you are on the receiving end.
2. A willingness to apologize when you are on the giving end.

[blas87]

That does make sense.....I think I just learned a lesson in the past couple days that I am better off accepting that some people are the way they are (at least the way they come across online) and that I can't change that.

Kind of like with my mother. I gave up in recent times trying to cheer her up or lighten the mood, because she'd just bring it down by telling me how it "really" is. So I don't even try anymore. I guess I should apply the same with the people I am referring to. Just exist with them and not bother trying.

[Seshat]

That's very true, blas. You cannot change other people - the only person you can change is yourself.

That doesn't make it hopeless. You can choose to change how you respond to other people. That really helps you feel better about your interactions with them.

And there's a more sophisticated trick that you can learn - though this is for later, after you've learned to change your internal response. When a person behaves towards you in a way you don't want to accept, you can refuse to react to them in a way that rewards them for it.

It's a lot like training a dog. My dog whines for attention. If she comes up to me and whines and I give her attention (even just yelling at her), she's just learned that whining gets her what she wants. So I don't. Instead, I give her attention when she stops whining.
She's mostly learned the lesson. As I was typing this, she came up to me and sat beside me and looked hopeful. So I gave her loving attention.
She also has a habit I need to train her out of. She jumps up on me. As most of you know, I'm disabled. It hurts me when she jumps on me, and could cause me to fall. So I give her a 'yip' sound that tells her she just hurt me. She goes all upset and low-eared and low-tailed when she hears that sound. She's almost stopped jumping on me since I started doing that.
She acts how I want: I reward her. She acts in a way that annoys me: I give her a neutral reaction. She acts in a way that's dangerous: I give her a 'punishment' reaction.

You can learn to train humans similarly, but you have to be a lot more sophisticated about it. People resent being trained like this: they (unsurprisingly) think you're treating them like a dog.

[Slytovhand]

You can learn to train humans similarly, but you have to be a lot more sophisticated about it. People resent being trained like this: they (unsurprisingly) think you're treating them like a dog.

hehehe... also - humans tend not to need or crave the attention as much as dogs - or will go elsewhere to seek it.

Blas, also as Seshat said, it's not hopeless. Most people wouldn't even know how they were coming across to other people, except from the responses they were getting. If they get a 'positive' response, then they keep on doing it, if the get a 'negative' response, they might slow up a bit (depending on the person), and if they get no response, they will probably give up posting all together - which may mean everyone else missing out on some good wit, information, a different way to think of something... etc. If you try, you might just get the change you're after.

Besides... if you try and explain yourself, and get a 'tough - deal with it' - then you know you're probably better of putting them on ignore

And, possibly, that person is sitting in their own little world thinking their own little thoughts, and never understand why they don't seem to get the responses they are seeking (like dog biscuits )

Can it hurt to try? (well - yes actually, but anyway, that's part of living...)


Slyt

[powerboy]

Blas, I do agree with you.

There have been a few posts, that I had written. And after wards, it seems as if they are jumping down my back about it. That may not be the intention of that poster, but that is how I take it. Because that is how it comes across.

[Peppergirl]

Ironic for me to stumble upon this....

Since I just LOST IT in a thread where someone generalized about my profession.

I apologized, both to the mods and to the OP, who wasn't the target of my wrath, but I TOTALLY see what you mean about certain people being abrasive and not thinking before speaking.

I know I'm guilty of it on occasion, and today I flipped out about it and I'm embarassed.

[BlaqueKatt]

personally I just have a personality that rivals 20 grit sandpaper

[DesignFox]

personally I just have a personality that rivals 20 grit sandpaper

Which if funny, because your posts don't come across as abrasive to me...or do you watch your words a lot?