Harsh Realizations....

[AdminAssistant]

So, as y'all might know from many threads and posts here and on CS, I'm engaged and have been trying to plan my wedding. We'd planned on next May, to give me enough time to both plan and do comps. However, I've been trying to find locations, pick a dress, find honeymoon spots now so that we can get the best deal possible. It's been stressing me out a bit, especially because we're getting married in a different state, so last night I talked with Fiance about it (after he finally got off Final Fantasy XI which is another rant entirely).

He doesn't really want a wedding. He wants me to be happy, but he doesn't want to do a big thing and, as he pointed out, we have practically no savings, we both have a lot of credit card and student loan debt = we can't afford it. My sister keeps harping on the idea of a destination wedding (woman, if you want a beach vacation, then take a damn beach vacation, you don't need me as an excuse and I'm not taking you, your husband, or your children on my damn honeymoon.) My parents are still separated and not doing really well financially, especially since Dad's not working much and is racking up court costs/lawyer's fees.

So pretty much the only person who wants an actual wedding in this whole equation is me. Yay. I'm sorry that I'm a repressed former actor who loves attention. I apologize for being a theatre/performance studies geek who knows the power of performance and the performative. I wanted a damn civil ceremony, somewhere nice, with family. Why is this so damn much to ask for? Every location that I like is expensive, Fiance "doesn't feel right" about using a church (which would be cheaper), and I'm not wild about outdoor locations (heat and restrooms). So, right now, it's looking like a courtroom elopement. Yay. So we'll be married (and yes, I do realize that it is the end goal). But I'm really depressed about having to settle for this. And I'll admit that it feels very unfair that I'm going to have to do this while my fucking sister got the big wedding she wanted with seven damn showers. I won't even have one, I imagine. (I wouldn't feel right about having a shower when we're not having a big public wedding.)

And Fiance is like, "And we can just have a reception later for family." Well, I've already expressed my feelings on that - I'm not comfortable with inviting people to a reception but not the actual wedding. For all of you who did elope or have a small courtroom wedding and wanted to do that, that's great! But it's not what I've wanted or have been planning. It's what I'm having to settle for, because I'm too fucking broke to do anything else.

[blas87]

You vent away all you want.

You have every right to feel the way you do. I understand your frustration and troubles. I feel for you Don't apologize for feeling the way you do, you don't need to defend yourself to anyone.

[Andara Bledin]

If money is a big issue, you might want to compromise on the outdoor location. Mine was outdoors, and we saved at least $500 by going that route. But then, we were happy with the idea of outdoors already, so didn't really look into building rentals much.

My wedding ran $800 total, and the vast majority of that was for his outfit (was his fancy faire garb, so wasn't just for the wedding) and the food, which was catered by co-worker acquaintances.

I can't remember where you are, so I don't know what your weather is like in May.

^-.-^

[HYHYBT]

Is it all right to be sorry you're not going to have the wedding you'd hoped and planned for, and still envious that you have both someone worth marrying and the option of doing so even if it does wind up just being at the courthouse?

[Giggle Goose]

I'm so bummed to hear that, AA! It seems like this whole time that everyone else is trying to make it about what THEY want and forgetting about you!

It may be more cost effective in the long run to elope, but make sure you do what YOU want and don't feel pressured into it. Would you be open to waiting for a while, for when finances might get better? I have student loans myself, though, so I know that might not be an option.

Whatever you choose, just know that you DON'T have to feel bad at all!

[AdminAssistant]

The weather would be alright if we had it early afternoon, and just pray that there's no high winds or rain. I'm from NE Arkansas, although I had started to expand my search to the Little Rock area, and found out real quick how expensive that gets. I wouldn't mind it as much if it were just an outdoor ceremony with indoor reception and a building to get ready nearby. I just worry about the availability of clean restrooms and the odd chance that it might be 95 degrees or storming.

Where I originally looked (and would prefer to have it) in Jonesboro, the city parks and local forest areas are, well, ghetto and not well cared for. I would love to have it on ASU's campus, as that's where we met, but if we had the reception there we have to use their catering which suuucckkkssss. No nice libraries or museums or anything. Not a problem for most people, since pretty much everyone gets married in a church down there. For a while, we considered having it at my sister's house, but thought it might be too big.

I understand that, logically speaking, eloping would be the best and smartest way to go, which is what makes this so much more frustrating. I don't want to be logical. I want to wear a pretty white dress and walk down the aisle to pretty music and get married in a meaningful, if quirky, ceremony. And I'd prefer to not do it in a courtroom that my father has recently been arraigned in.

ETA: I do realize how lucky I am, HYHYBT. He's a great guy and puts up with a lot of nonsense from me. However, tonight we're going to have a talk about saving money by maybe cutting back on a certain someone's video game habits, which are getting ridiculous.

[Greenday]

Do the court thing, get the piece of paper that makes it official, then have a large wedding when you can afford it.

I've been telling my mom and step-dad to do it for years. Just now they are all like, "Hm, we should have gotten married and have the wedding later." ...DUH. They are getting married when I come home for R&R. About fucking time. Only been about 16 years.

[Kheldarson]

AA, I'm in the opposite boat; want to switch? My fiance and I don't particularly want a large ceremony, can't really afford a large ceremony, but my mom wants me to invite all the family...including the way extended family (as in my grandparents' remaining brothers and sisters) and some of her co-workers. We're getting married in my church but between my mom and maid of honor, I'm going nuts because all these little details are things I don't care about.

But mom does so...I put up with it.


BUT. Your fiance should realize this is important to you, is a major step for both of you, and should be willing to help out with it. And if he's on the computer that much....Yeah, it's time for a talk.

[Ladeeda]

If you want a big wedding, but can't afford one right now, why not put it off until you CAN afford it? Additional debt isn't a very fun way to start a marriage.

As for the fiance, remember, this is his day, too. Regardless of what the magazines and reality shows say, a wedding is not all about the bride.

[AdminAssistant]

If we elope, I guess we could renew our vows later (it wouldn't be a wedding since we'd already be, y'know, married). But who knows how long it would take before we could afford something? Trust me, I know that it's his day, too. But if I just roll over and not insist on anything that I want, then I'll just be miserable and unhappy and that's no way to start a marriage.

[Ladeeda]

Not having a big, expensive wedding would make you long-term unhappy?

Really?

Sorry, but that sounds unlikely. You seem way to reasonable for that.

[Andara Bledin]

Greenday does have a valid idea, too.

Have the legal wedding as planned, with a tiny ceremony and a few friends, and spend most of the money on the honeymoon trip. Then, sometime down the road, have an anniversary celebration around a ceremony. I've seen that done a few times.

If Nekojin and I end up having a full ceremony, it will be almost entirely for his grandmother's benefit. We'd both be just fine with a small courthouse gathering.

^-.-^

[AdminAssistant]

Not having a big, expensive wedding would make you long-term unhappy?

*sigh* no. Not having the wedding I want will make me unhappy, to some extent or the other. Right now, for example, I'm not happy. I've been mentally planning on having a wedding since last July. Switching gears like this is making me a bit grumpy. What I want is rather simple, actually. Ceremony, reception, immediate family and friends. Civil ceremony, preferably indoors. Cake with Mario and Princess topper. A few snackies.

I'm not wanting a big, overly complex, all-about-me, extravaganza with champagne and a chocolate fountain. But even the relatively simple things that I want really add up. 2 bridesmaids, 2 groomsmen, 2 Jr. attendants. All have to have a dress/suit. I have to have a dress, hair, makeup. He has to have a tux/suit. The officiant, of course. The location (ceremony & reception). The cheapest locations that I've seen run $500/5 hours. Then there's food. Cake. Photography. Favors. Gifts for the wedding party. Oh, and the rehearsal dinner. It adds up. :/

[Kheldarson]

Um...can you cut your attendants to the maid/matron of honor and the best man and leave the rest out? That would take care of some of the expense there. Maybe somebody can lend/give you a dress that you can modify for yourself. Photos...my aunt did this. Buy a bunch of disposables and leave them out so anybody can take photos. Ask a trusted family member to take the big photos (like as you and he are coming down the aisle, the kiss, that stuff) so you know those are taken care of but all the rest can be taken by whomever, whenever and you develop the film. Food for the day...do a lot of people in your family cook? Does it have to be a sit down meal? Or can it be finger foods to munch on while everybody mingles? In either case, if you have people who like to cook, ask them to cook instead of bringing a gift. Or something. Mom and I are going to be doing finger foods for my reception. All of that can help with costs.

[Hyena Dandy]

Greenday does have a valid idea, too.

Have the legal wedding as planned, with a tiny ceremony and a few friends, and spend most of the money on the honeymoon trip. Then, sometime down the road, have an anniversary celebration around a ceremony. I've seen that done a few times.

If Nekojin and I end up having a full ceremony, it will be almost entirely for his grandmother's benefit. We'd both be just fine with a small courthouse gathering.

^-.-^

You gotta invite me either way.