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it touches on something personal. this is long, and hurtful and probably not a wise thing to post here. but as its open for debate and people can let lose their feelings, i feel its better said here. be forewarned this is some serious self loathing stuff, or for some nothing new, just another whiny emo.
something i wrestled with for years...and knowing that if i don't tell someone eventually it will continue to get worse and I will turn on myself to the point when I get angry it will always be my fault and just turn the blade on myself in a figurative emotional manner.
I may dislike myself but not enough to literally hurt myself at least not yet and I don't want to get to that.
However it has gotten bad enough I may be turning bulimic in the sense that I won't make myself throw up but eat things that make my stomach have to push it back out. (yes I realized that lately as not yet mentioned in my thread in life advice)
latest example. The local cable tech person came while hubs and me were out, dad was home with the girls - daughter and two nieces. tech came to switch the phones over and needed the computer password to put the new modem in (a fail on its own as we did not need or ask for an internet service. anywho) and i had the cell phone on silent and forgot about it so the phone change over got a little messed up but mostly was done.
So even if it was or was not my fault, i blamed myself for it the rest of the day and did not do anything for me. And by that i did not eat dinner, ate one single blueberry waffle the next day without syrup, right out of the toaster. and nothing else for the rest of the day.
and when I did eat something it had alot of acidic sauce to it so having been sitting with stomach acid for the majority of the day that was obviously a bad idea but i knew this.
before you pipe up with go see a therapist or counselor, wtf do you think i am doing? oh but wait, she bailed on me. no really. i haven't had an appointment in three fucking months because her ass is too busy to call back to reschedule. so now i have to go to another one which in of itself took two months. and now i have to start over....or the time it took to transfer info from one to the other and come sign the forms....
and i can assure you, i'd lay a hand to myself before ever turning on my own family or child, even verbally.
I'm more likely to sit and seethe and bottle it up and shove it down than express. or when i do vent it comes out so explosive that I'm a walking time bomb. its very toxic. and alot of my actions are now based on if i do this it will take me away from lisa and who will care for her because i honestly feel only two people are capable of doing so without compromising their job and finances. and thats my closest friend back home and my mother.
hubs cannot, and dad cannot. well they can but not without daycare cost cutting into it
worst: i have become reclusive to keep me from being cruel to others or rather a lie i tell myself. I hate everyone else too. I'm safer name calling people here than to anyone's face back home.
Just angry that I took this long to say it, and that its to strangers and not my own. Sorry but in a sense people here are strangers as I have not met any of you in person.
something i wrestled with for years...and knowing that if i don't tell someone eventually it will continue to get worse and I will turn on myself to the point when I get angry it will always be my fault and just turn the blade on myself in a figurative emotional manner.
I may dislike myself but not enough to literally hurt myself at least not yet and I don't want to get to that.
However it has gotten bad enough I may be turning bulimic in the sense that I won't make myself throw up but eat things that make my stomach have to push it back out. (yes I realized that lately as not yet mentioned in my thread in life advice)
latest example. The local cable tech person came while hubs and me were out, dad was home with the girls - daughter and two nieces. tech came to switch the phones over and needed the computer password to put the new modem in (a fail on its own as we did not need or ask for an internet service. anywho) and i had the cell phone on silent and forgot about it so the phone change over got a little messed up but mostly was done.
So even if it was or was not my fault, i blamed myself for it the rest of the day and did not do anything for me. And by that i did not eat dinner, ate one single blueberry waffle the next day without syrup, right out of the toaster. and nothing else for the rest of the day.
and when I did eat something it had alot of acidic sauce to it so having been sitting with stomach acid for the majority of the day that was obviously a bad idea but i knew this.
before you pipe up with go see a therapist or counselor, wtf do you think i am doing? oh but wait, she bailed on me. no really. i haven't had an appointment in three fucking months because her ass is too busy to call back to reschedule. so now i have to go to another one which in of itself took two months. and now i have to start over....or the time it took to transfer info from one to the other and come sign the forms....
and i can assure you, i'd lay a hand to myself before ever turning on my own family or child, even verbally.
I'm more likely to sit and seethe and bottle it up and shove it down than express. or when i do vent it comes out so explosive that I'm a walking time bomb. its very toxic. and alot of my actions are now based on if i do this it will take me away from lisa and who will care for her because i honestly feel only two people are capable of doing so without compromising their job and finances. and thats my closest friend back home and my mother.
hubs cannot, and dad cannot. well they can but not without daycare cost cutting into it
worst: i have become reclusive to keep me from being cruel to others or rather a lie i tell myself. I hate everyone else too. I'm safer name calling people here than to anyone's face back home.
Just angry that I took this long to say it, and that its to strangers and not my own. Sorry but in a sense people here are strangers as I have not met any of you in person.
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