I think I'm going through a life crisis of some kind

[guywithashovel]

All of this set in a while ago. It's this weird sense of anxiety that I just can't seem to shake. When I think of all the things it's about (or that I think it's about), I feel stupid, because I know it's all irrational, but I can't help it. I still catch myself wanting to panic and freak out.

I turned 29 earlier this year. Yes, I know that's still quite young, and yes, I know that barring any accident or terminal illness, I still have many years left to do the things I want to do. Still, just a few weeks ago, it hit me.

I'm pushing thirty.

I'm tens of thousands of dollars in debt (student loans, and they're really hurting me, but still, they're there).

I've spent most of my twenties trying to make something of myself, working in retail and other random jobs.

However, I do have a lot of good things going for me. I've earned a bachelor's degree and a master's degree, and I'm currently shopping for a home. Though when I do finally buy that home, it'll be the first place I've ever lived in that will be "my place." During college, I stayed at home with my parents (they insisted, and I didn't fight it). When I went to grad school, I moved in with a relative. I know it's silly to fuss over that, because hey, at least I've always had a place to stay. Still, I've never really had a place of my own, and when that dawned on me, it really drove me nuts. Darn it, I should have have done that by now!

For some reason, all of this just hit me a few weeks ago, and when I look around, it seems like everyone else my age is light years ahead of me, having all kinds of success with work, relationships, life, etc. Then I look at myself and wonder what the heck I've been doing over the past nine years. And I feel stupid for wondering that, because intellectually, I think I've been pretty productive, but I still don't feel like I am where I should be. I feel like I've been stagnant, and I feel like I'm behind everyone else. Also, it becomes even more obvious to me that my life is not going to last forever, and that all these years I've spent doing the things I've chosen to do can never be regained, and for a brief second, it sends a sharp, devastating chill down my spine.

And on top of feeling all these things, I feel alone.

[Akasa]

You went to school, concentrated on it, and got your degrees. That's what you did. Now you can concentrate on the rest of your life. I understand feeling alone. I think I've finally found that someone. I'm 36 now. It took me a while, but it happened. Don't loose hope, don't wallow in self pity, breathe. Its ok.

[Boozy]

I meant to respond to this days ago, and haven't had the opportunity.

Your thoughts are the most common thing I hear from my friends who spent the majority of their twenties in school. They all feel like their falling behind. No one knows where they're going in life, where they'll end up. No one has a plan.

Your twenties can kind of suck. It gets so much better into your thirties. You will eventually meet someone and things will start to fall into place.

The important thing is to remember that you didn't waste your twenties. What you did is very valuable. My husband and I both have degrees (he has two). We spent a lot of time paying off student debt, and he got a later start in his career, so we still haven't bought a house. People much younger than me are already five years into paying down a mortgage.

I often have to remind myself that the disparity we're seeing now won't last. Our earning potential is better with degrees than without, so we're just getting started where so many others have peaked.

[AdminAssistant]

I know how you guys feel. I'm almost 28 and still in school. I'll probably be 30 before I finish my doctorate. My 10 year high school reunion is coming up, and I'm getting back in touch with old friends who are married, have kids, a home, and a long-term job or career. I just have to remind myself that I did the right thing for me and that I'm better set up in life than a lot of them are, particularly the other girls. So many skipped schooling of any kind to get married and have kids. I know of at least one who had her husband up and leave her and their kids, what is she going to do now? I love my Fiance, but I don't have to rely on him financially, never will, and that's so liberating.

[guywithashovel]

Since I posted this, quite a bit of the anxiety and panic I was feeling has dissipated. I do appreciate the empathy, though. Thanks. After I posted this, I started feeling a little ashamed, because everything I said started to sound very neurotic to me. I just had all these feeling set in and linger, and I didn't really have anyone around I could bounce them off of.

I'm just one of those people who likes to have everything planned out. Some people are fine---even happy---not knowing where the heck they are going in life. Me, I like to have a plan, and I like to have a reasonable idea of where I'm going, and if I don't have that, I can get anxious. Being like this has its pros and cons. I'm starting to think that I just need to teach myself to live more in the present instead of fussing over what will or may happen in the future so much.

As for my ten-year high school reunion, it was this past year. I thought about going, but ended up skipping out. I didn't find out when it was until after it was over, anyway. Oh well, there will be another one in 2015. Maybe I'll hit that one.